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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday I told WH that I need to talk to him about my questions, that I cannot fathom getting better until I talk about these things, that i know he sees them as an obstacle in recovery and I see not knowing as an obstacle to recovery. That there are a lot of questions, and some of them I know I have asked before but if he could sit with me patiently and honestly and answer them it would be what i need to start to get over it. I told him that if we cannot have this hard talk then its always going to be easier to turn to someone else and easier to lie to each other and i never want to be on either side of that again. He said we can talk about whatever you want. I told him just hearing him say that (with no 'but idk what else you could ask me') already made me feel better. It was supposed to happen last night...i typed out all of my questions so I wouldn't get hung up in the conversation and forget something. I do want to sit down with him this one time and go over it ALL. I do not want to "trick" him into it, I mean i dont want to ask him 10 questions, get distracted by his answers to those and not get my other questions answered, because then I will have to ask him to do this again and I dont want him to think she's never going to move past it, she told me if I did this it would help but nothings changed. So i want to make sure it all gets covered.

So anyway, i typed out all my questions. I've read over them numerous times because this was supposed to happen last night. Life got in the way of that, and as much as I wanted to set aside every other responsibility because this one is most important to me, I realized it was a bad idea to try and have the conversation when he was exhausted and i wasn't far behind him myself. That leaves tonight. I wish he would say to me, I know you wanted to talk last night and we didnt,we will make time tonight. But I know that is not him. he will wait until I bring it up, which makes me feel like Im nagging him, but Im going to do it because I feel like I need to. Anyway...40 questions give or take, some Ive asked, some I havent, some are general some are very specific, I expect some vague answers, i will let that go on a couple questions, not most of them. Anyone have any advice before I venture into this? Any warnings on questions I think i want to know but maybe I really dont?


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Spidey - It's good that you have your questions written out. But 40 questions is a lot to go through in one go. As much as you want to have it all out now (which I totally understand) it may not be feasible if he opens up.

Maybe you want to set a time limit (10 minutes / 30 minutes / 1 hour / 2 hours /etc) that you both agree upon at the start. It may be that he doesn't feel like talking and gives a bunch of short answers and barrels through them all. But hopefully he will open up and you both with really converse and you find that you only get through a handful of questions.

One person on SI said that what they did was cut up the questions so that you had one question per sliver of paper. Then they put them in a bowl/jar/fishbowl/what-have-you. When they sat down to talk her H (the wayward) would pick out a question and then answer it / they would discuss. Then, time permitting, he would pull out another question and repeat.

I believe they had a set time to talk (once a week or something). During the week if a question popped into her head she would write it down and put it in the fishbowl.

If there are questions that are really burning a hole in your brain maybe start with those? But if they are all pretty much equal in 'importance' (for lack of a better word) then maybe something like the fishbowl idea would be good?

Good luck!!


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exhausted - how are you doing today?

And everyone else?

ETA: My IC went fine today but it's just the initial 'meet and greet' essentially. I didn't tell H last night because life got in the way but I did tell him today. After an initial gruffness he took it OK.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 5:55 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very bad week end.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh,

What is going on?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3678 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

exhausted whats going on?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I walked in on stbxw ...yes stbxw...
and her turd removing items from my home. I will spare sordid details, but suffice it to say someone had an arrest warrant and im still here. Someone else is not.
I cant make this crap up.
Her turd was on the run from texas.
!!! She broke down in the front yard and i have never seen a person so completely lose it. Howling almost from the bottom of her soul.
For 30 minutes.
In front of neighbors.
Dogs
Cats
Birds
Unfccing believable.
Police asked if she "needed help"
I had told her yesterday im out.
Ugh.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She called just now while i was posting and begged to talk. Cried and i could almost feel her panic.
However, my opinion is she just saw her exit from all this leave...
From what the police said, he wont be released.
Two felony charges of kidnapping and "holding someone against their will" in addition to escape charges and prior convictions...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spidey, tired, and shadow...thx!
Even knowing yall are there helps. Believe it or not. I pray for healing in each of your lives. All of you. Spouses, kids, dogs, cats ...not trying to be flippant. Just real.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good nite all.
My hand hurts.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((exhausted)))

What a scene for you to walk in on. You have the strength of Hercules evidenced by the fact that you managed to not go off on the OM at that moment.

Know that you ARE strong. And I'm so sorry that you're having to go through any of this. Were you able to get any sleep last night?


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh exhausted...you are right you cannot make this stuff up. Wow, what bad choices your stbxw has made. I hate to jump to judgment on anyone because I know how I felt when people judged me for my A, but it certainly sounds like yes, this was an exit for her, she was not committed to you or fixing you or really coming home, and now she does sound like she is freaking out because her plan has gone awry.

I can only imagine that some part of you is still affected seeing her break down like that while being able to hate her at the same time. I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible time. Sending healing thoughts your way.

My own update is nothing to really update, despite his promises that he would answer my questions, he hasn't. There was an event on Sunday night, he ended up getting stuck "working" much later than he thought, it isn't that I didnt believe him, its just that I felt uneasy about it all. I tried to tell him why I was upset, he got angry....AGAIN eventually telling me that I can believe whatever i want and if I dont trust him theres nothing he can do about that.

Yesterday i tried some 180, came home at lunch, barely spoke, did dishes, laundry, etc. took my lunch back to work with me. When he got home from his other job (an hour later than normal-he got "stuck" there too) I had already cooked dinner, made dessert, mowed the lawn, and showered (these are all things he is normally responsible for). he came in asked me why i cut the grass, he can do it. I said it needed it. He thanked me twice for making dinner. When i told him about the dessert he asked what had gotten into me. I just said nothing, felt like doing it (really jsut cant handle moping around right now so trying to stay busy). He fell asleep on the couch about 815 so still no talking to me, even though he assured me on sunday he wasnt avoiding talking to me.

Im giving up on answering the questions. Right now I dont think Ive ever felt so disconnected from him. I feel like we are just passing time and I am the only one making any effort whatsoever.

[This message edited by Spideysense at 9:06 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So...she has called 4 times.
She has texted me 20 different times.
Since 9am. Its now 12.
I have no desire to talk.
My shame has resurfaced and this whole thing is done.
I want to be mad, and as soon as it surfaces, my own shame takes over.
Then anger again. Then shame.
So far, its been all day like this.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel selfish here. I read the posts from you folks and i am unable to provide much insight
My heart breaks over again to know all of you r going thru this.
The pain in my gut seems to not want to go away. Sux.
Evry1 plz have a good day.
Im gone fo now.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh,

What is going on today?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3678 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Ashamed14
♀ New Member
Member # 38240
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I need some advice. My H received an anonymous text yesterday saying "You should see what Ashamed14 says about you on SI. Not very flattering." This came from a phone in Orlando as far as I can tell. The only motive that makes sense is this came from OW, but I can't be sure. What is scary is that someone knows from my posts/profile who I am and has contact my H, someone who knows his mobile number. Any advice? Not sure what to do with this.


MHW-42
STBX-MHH-41
Married 15 yrs.
2 children

Mine DD - 6/2012
His DD - 5/2013


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG, am in sort of a holding pattern
Not sure what to do.
Not much else to mention yet.
Trying to ignore everything.
Yuk

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed, that is scary. Anonymity is the best thing about this site.
Me, i would dig. Call the number.
Hit it head on with authority.
CONFRONT. any way possible.
If ur still able, plz stay. Keep posting.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed, what was your H response to that? Did he look at the site before or after he told you he received it? It may not be OW but it is someone that knows OW that she asked to send it. She is trying to cause problems, don't let that happen.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning....well it isn't actually a good morning at all but I'm trying to paint a smile on my face anyway.

So yesterday via text (because how else would two grown adults possibly communicate?) he asked me why i slept on the couch the last two nights, told him I jsut wanted to watch TV until my eyes were so heavy they closed bc I was tired of laying in bed thinking about things all night. This led to the conversation the night before when he got angry and told me I could think whatever i wanted. I told him I feel like I am losing more of him every day, that he doesnt even listen to me, he asked what hes doing to make me feel that way, i said its what you arent, i told you what i needed, you havent followed through on any of it. I reminded him about promising to talk to me and how good i felt when he agreed. I said last week it would have to wait 3-4 days due to things in life he said thats a long time maybe we can find time before that. We havent. i told him again on Sunday this was still important to me, he assured me he wasnt avoiding talking to me. i remind him of all this and then say its now Tuesday...still havent talked. he said tell me when you want to do it. I said no i told you on sunday to come to me when you were ready i would be ready whenever. he responded back, im ready. so home last night, he was actually home before me and had no place else to be, we had some things around the house we were doing but nothing that really impacted our evening.

he didnt bring it up at all. not a single word. he asked me a few times whats wrong (my god how many times do i need to tell you???? you can ask me every single flipping day but until you sit down and talk to me nothing is going to change). he was being affectionate, trying to squeeze my shoulder, hug or kiss me. Part of me appreciates that, i still miss his touch, but part of me wants to turn around and scream at him..."YOU DONT GET TO MAKE THIS ALL BETTER JSUT BY KISSING ME....YOU CANT KISS AWAY MY PAIN"

I feel so lost, I dont know what to do


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
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