Sometimes I just feel like I am not worthy of anything.
But today I feel better. I feel like maybe we are moving forward.
Do you ever hate the person you were during your A? I am so ashamed of myself and who I was.
As for a personal update I vent a lot in wayward and general and have gotten many 2x4's from TG and others which is why I haven't posted here in awhile. I have been reading though. After the last fight with SO things have been okay, not great and not terrible but it still feels off. Affection is not there and neither is intimacy. I found a card for unlimited salsa lessons in his wallet. I showed him the website for this place weeks ago as a spot my friend and I were looking at to take lessons and he never mentioned his pass. I've invited to teach him for years and he has told me he doesn't like the dance. I brought him to a spanish club with me once and he left when we were 2 blocks away to go hang out with his friends because he doesn't like spanish dancing. This is part of my heritage and was important to me long before my A. I accepted he would never like it and dropped it. Now I find out he's paid for unlimited lessons with his BFF. Add in the no intimacy, no affection, continued lies, and no transparency and I'm so close to my breaking point. The fact that life feels kind of normal right now makes it worse. I just got a new job I start in a couple weeks and I'm back in school, take dance lessons and hang out with friends. Cook, clean, take care of the dog and no fighting for a few weeks now. It's all so normal but it feels off. It feels like we're acting and like it's all going to come crashing down any day now.
[This message edited by Unagie at 5:22 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Hope the rest of you are doing ok. EH, you're back together, wow! That's great. Don't get stuck in that "I deserve what she did" place. It's not good for anyone. You don't deserve what she did, and she doesn't deserve what you did.
Feelings of inadequacy and sexual self esteem issues plagued me. We have not had sex in over 8 months and I was a wreck. About 2 months after d-day, I slept with a friend. I was an emotional wreck. We were drinking heavily and I KNEW I was putting myself in a sticky situation, but I proceeded. After it happened I felt worse that ever. Now possibly ruining a friendship, complicating the current situation I am in and it didn't make me feel better at all.
Now what? We are not in R. We are both in IC and "discussing" MC. We were and still are heading for D, but I am torn. I have not told WW yet. I feel I want to, but I want to for the right reasons. Not just to hurt her, but because it is needed for healing and if we end in D anyway, what would be the point?
Any insight from anyone out there? I feel like a jerk and a hypocrite. Since d-day, all I did was question and want honesty and details. Now I am there. I know a ONS isn't the same and I am not in love, but I still cheated too and now and in a bigger mess than ever. It didn't seem possible before that it could get any worse, but it has. SOS! :(
the only thing i feel like doing it going to the cow's work and spray painting slut on her car.
i am no longer the person i thought i was. i have been shredded to the core by this.
the husband went to IC. I never know if i should ask what he talked about or not. we just ended up fighting all day.
If she is still actively involved with the OM, not pursuing any kind of relationship with you, and headed towards divorce, I really don't see any reason to tell her, but that is just my opinion. I'm sure others will be along with advice. This can be a slow moving thread at times, just to let you know.
Take care. I'm glad you found the courage to post here.