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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all - How is everyone doing this week?

Wanted to bump this closer to the top, because I recently saw a couple of other members who might be interested in reading/posting here.

Take care.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Been wondering.
Have not seen much action here.
Not much action with wife or myself either. We go about the day, not saying much anymore.
Hb over. Im working again, hands good.
Sex life gone again.
Fertile ground for affair. According to ic. Shes still weepy about it all.
Doesnt talk at all.
Just marking time i suppose

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh.
Sorry thats not a vent.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear back from you, EH. So what has your wife weepy about? Is that something you can talk to her about?

It's definitely important to keep those lines of communication open.

Take care.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in...

Doing really well here. Since my post last week, Mr918 and I were able to talk through much of what I was concerned about and had posted.

TG also gave me some things to think about.

I'd say our two major issues right now are boundaries and communication.

If I am really honest, I'm struggling more with the communication than he is. It feels like he's struggling more with boundaries.

I don't know why we can't really commit to separation. We keep finding ourselves spending more time together and then things get...ahem...intimate.

Which is fantastic. And also confusing.

And I think both of us want as much time with the kids as possible so it's just easier to all be together. We work well as a team and our kids seem happier.

I'm just not in any place where I want to be in relationship. With anyone.

So, we just keep muddling through, one day at a time.

I do find that I'm no longer consumed by the infidelities. There are triggers but they're less and less. And sometimes they aren't even accompanied by pain. It's a rememberence but it doesn't hurt.

Never thought I'd ever be able to say that. Of course there's still a lot of hurt but I have to go digging for it, rather than having it so close to the surface.

And mainly, I just often can't believe this is my life that I'm living.

All that said, I am really happy the majority of the time. I love my life, my kids, my friends, the place I'm in with Mr918 (for the most part) and while it's incredibly difficult to explain my "situation" to anyone else, I'm finding that I don't really care.

Life is messy and confusing and painful and crazy. And I'm just trying to take each moment as it comes and be thankful.

And anyone who doesn't like that is welcome to leave my life. :-)


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 364 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we were supposed to start a new MC today but it got changed til next week.

Monday night was unbearably tough and we tried to work through a trigger of his.

Some days are good, and then a trigger starts for us and we can't put it down gently.

One thing that has helped me: I wrote a list of the things that I've forgiven and things not. I occasionally am able to move things from non forgiven to forgiven. It just happens, with time... so this is growth, no?

I want to take a fitness class but he is nervous about it as he thinks men will look and hit on me. My IC says go ahead anyway. And then I wonder what my punishment will be. So, we really need to get to MC.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:16 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3663 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

918Mama - I'm glad to hear things are going so much better for you! It almost sounds to me like you are in a state of limbo, yet a 'buoyant' state at the same time. I'd say to keep riding this thing out for now, and keep doing what you all are doing day by day. It seems to me that you have a pretty good handle on what needs to be worked on regarding communication and boundaries, which is great.

rachelc - I remember reading about your husband's trigger on one of the other threads. Were you ever able to talk to him about looking at that type of material at work? I understand the whole 'separating of everything out' and not wanting to 'pile on', but I thought you questioning him about looking at that material at work was a perfectly valid question.

Is there someone you can go to the fitness class with? My wife recently started going to fitness classes with my sister-in-law. On the other hand, I personally wouldn't mind if she went by herself. I know if some guy were to hit on her, she would tell me about it right away (at least I can say that with a fair amount of certainty).

I like your idea of the forgiveness list. When you move something over to the 'forgiven' column, do you feel any sense of relief?


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc - I remember reading about your husband's trigger on one of the other threads. Were you ever able to talk to him about looking at that type of material at work? I understand the whole 'separating of everything out' and not wanting to 'pile on', but I thought you questioning him about looking at that material at work was a perfectly valid question.
IT WOULD TURN INTO A FIGHT. BUT I WILL BRING IT UP AT MC...

Is there someone you can go to the fitness class with?YES I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS - OUR DD IS STRUGGLING WITH WEIGHT AND WANTS TO DO IT DESPERATELY.. I WOULD HAVE TO HELP PAY FOR IT BUT THAT'S OK. I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO GO AND HE SAID NO. My wife recently started going to fitness classes with my sister-in-law. On the other hand, I personally wouldn't mind if she went by herself. I know if some guy were to hit on her, she would tell me about it right away (at least I can say that with a fair amount of certainty).

I like your idea of the forgiveness list. When you move something over to the 'forgiven' column, do you feel any sense of relief?

YES...LIKE, GLAD THAT'S DONE... INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, THE PHYSICAL STUFF HE DID WITH THEM WAS THE FIRST TO GO...THE TIME WITH THEM - DIFFICULT.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3663 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel - Whether you bring that up in MC or not is up to you. We all have to choose which battles we fight. I will say that some of the greatest resolutions that my wife and I have come to have often started with some very intense conflict.

That would be awesome if you could take your DD to fitness class with you! Great opportunity for bonding time. I've had a tremendous time bonding with my son during karate classes.

I'm really thinking about stealing your idea about the forgiveness list. Been feeling a bit 'stuck' lately. Don't know if it's limbo, lethal flatness, or what. Either way, good sign that things need to be mixed up a bit. Thanks for sharing that idea. I might run with it.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 11:15 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Los, when we try to talk, all she does is cry.
We seem to be drifting apart fasterthan we can catch it.
What gets me is she told me, in a more lucid moment, there" may be more to my part, but i cant say yet"
More affairs? More to the one affair?
Dont know. MC later this week.
Will bring this up.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later this coming week sounds better i suppose...lol

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether the crying is intentional or not, it is a big time inhibitor to communication. She'll eventually need to figure out how to get control over that.

What gets me is she told me, in a more lucid moment, there" may be more to my part, but i cant say yet"

Damn... what a way to leave you hanging! Definitely bring this up in MC. Let us know what comes out of that. I'll be thinking of you, EH.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

exhausted - can she write about it?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3663 | Registered: Dec 2010
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, checking in. Been generally inactive for a while. Nothing's changed. Hope y'all are getting some progress under way. Just popped in to say "hey, we're about to hit 50 pages of MH!!!". Keep sharing and helping out, you don't know which lurker may get an 'aha' moment from what you share. Thanks a lot to the moderators and vets.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't feel like writing about this in General, but just letting something sink in that I learned. Ages ago, I realized about something hurtful my grandfather had said to me, that he didn't apologize for a simple reason. It's because he wasn't sorry. I've come to the same realization about Mr Silver.

He's apologized for some things, but only after outbursts and venting and hurt feelings on my part. And I realized why his apologies seemed hollow: each time they were followed up by excuses, the same excuses he'd given before in anger, but now said in an apologetic tone. The main one: "I didn't know how a relationship was supposed to work back then." But this had been in the same period where he had said that if I were so much as polite to another man, I was leading him on. So why did his boundaries extend so much farther than mine?

I don't believe his excuse, that he didn't know how relationships worked then. Don't believe that at all. The reason is simpler. That's that he really isn't sorry. Why would he be? It's perfectly in line with his character to do those things. That's why there was anger instead of an apology. He might even be sorry now for upsetting me, while before he was angry with me for "getting mad at every little thing, so he couldn't do anything." He'd rather I wasn't angry at all. I'd rather he was actually sorry about what he did and ashamed of doing it. But I need to just accept he isn't, that he had a really good time and if I hadn't been so upset over it he'd probably still be telling stories about the other girls with fond memories, and it's rather invasive of me to keep trying to get him to feel the way I'd want him to. So, when painful topics come up (i.e. most recently he talked about wanting to get a certain type of food and then a related event where he'd been out with another girl a few years ago during our relationship - we've had issues over both that incident where he was out with her, and the girl herself), how do I respond when he starts talking about those things? Indifference? Support? My true feelings of anger and humiliation?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silver - I personally think speaking your true feelings is the best policy. Even the most empathic of people sometimes need to be told how other people truly feel sometimes. I've found that my wife and I have been having a lot better communication recently by being open books with how we feel on the inside.

I've known some people in my life who didn't have the word "sorry" in their vocabulary. It's so frustrating. Do you think any of Mr. Silver's apologies have been genuine, or is it just certain specific things that you feel he's not truly sorry for?


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here because.someone on SI suggested this thread. I guess I will lurk around and see if anyone shows up.

Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome, Phoenix.

Being in a madhatter situation definitely has it's own set of implications and special waters to tread. Definitely stick around here, lurk, post, do whatever helps you the most. You can get through this. We're here to listen and help.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Phoenix and welcome!

Good question, Losfer. It seems that he feels sorry for, in his words, "doing things that upset you." So the sense is he'll feel sorry, after I express that it's more about *hurt* than *anger*, that he upset me... But never about the things themselves. Sees nothing wrong with them. I'm not sure what to make of that.

On the one hand, he told me a long time ago that we shouldn't use the words "mine" and "yours" to describe each other, though that changed later. But it almost feels like he regards the times with the other girls as "his" and therefore none of my business. Just sees them as part of his life that's separate from me. He likes it when I give him space. I've got a whole host of feelings about things that I wish we had in our relationship, and it hurts knowing that he's capable of enjoying those things... But obviously not with me. But it's just a separate part of his mind, perhaps.

I wonder how he sees relationships. I wonder what he thinks they're all about. He hates it when I try to talk to him about this kind of stuff. Prefers leaving things unsaid. How do you ask questions or share with someone who prefers things to be unsaid?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or maybe the problem is that I don't listen to him the right way. I've wondered that sometimes. Or maybe I haven't done enough standing in his shoes so I can understand his values and feel compassion instead of judgmental. I don't feel he listens to me, but that's not something I have control over. Maybe I need to help him open up by learning how to listen to him and value his voice FIRST.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:55 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
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