SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not going into details but I had an affair and knew it was wrong, turned to a long time male friend to confess and for support to get my marriage back on track. I ended up having an affair with him as well and tried ending it numerous times. I have now ended it asking for NC and I know in my heart he will comply as my friend. It's over and it hurts but I feel I can now give my M 100% which is what I want. I never meant to be so messed up. I'm at the lowest point in my life ever, but I feel lucky my family hasn't found out.

Welcome to SI.

The A is MOSTLY over, but until you've established no contact with the OM, it's not REALLY over.

Start reading the articles in the Library here- they'll give you some good ideas on figuring out why you cheated- and that's going to be key to your healing.

I don't advocate keeping the A a secret since your H likely knows something was off anyway but doesn't understand why. Keeping him in the dark is wrong, and if he does find out, can do even more damage than telling him.

My H had always made it clear that if I cheated he was gone- yet when it came to that moment, he saw something worth salvaging, so don't be so sure your H won't do the same.

I don't want to hammer you too hard on your first post. You just need to start reading and learning about what's messed up within you that allowed you to cheat. Not once, but twice... IC really helped me figure out my why.

Good luck.

I'm at the lowest point in my life ever, but I feel lucky my family hasn't found out.

Welcome to SI,

It is never wise to keep something of this magnitude from your BH.

You are making a decision for him about his life.That is not fair to him. It can also be interpreted as manipulation. It is always up to you how you decide to live your life, but as a FWS I will tell you, the decision not to tell is not a wise one.

Ty for the welcome. I am constantly reading and figuring out what drove me to this. I will need help here but please may I have support if I choose to not divulge these affairs?

but please may I have support if I choose to not divulge these affairs?

Yes. However you will be reminded of how that could be detrimental to your recovery.

You'll have support as long as the A has ended... but it you need to go no contact with both OM. The other thing about support here is that it doesn't always come in the form of hugs and it being stuff that's easy to hear. The best support we can offer is the truth, and sometimes it will be easy to hear and other times it won't be. Pay close attention to the times that the truth makes you uncomfortable. Those are the things you really need to dig deeper on.

The reason we don't advise keeping it a secret is that it's still deceitful. BUT... most WSes feel exactly like you do- ashamed, sick and confused about what they've done, so at first it seems like a huge thing to confess. Do some reading and look into getting into counseling. Maintain NC. Keep posting.

I won't confess to what I've done but I will never do this again. It's been almost one year of NC with first ExAP and one week of NC of what I feel is the true NC w exAF2. We have tried NC before and went almost a month but I think he knows and understands now that it must stop. I truly feel this entire vicious cycle is over

I truly feel this entire vicious cycle is over

It takes far more than feeling that it is.

Read the healing library. You may say now that you won't confess, however the more you learn and stay NC..you will see how important honesty will be.

Maintain NC..Keep posting.

Can I ask what your reasons for not confessing your As are?

What if the tables were turned? If your husband was sleeping with his bestie? Wouldn't you want to know so you could make an informed decision about the rest of your life?

I am not divulging the A because I know my husband would leave me and my children would be devastated by divorce. I am truly making an effort to change myself and reconnect with my H. He has changed as well since we are talking more and building intimacy. He acknowledges that we let our M slide and take a low priority in our lives. I am hurting though because I regret what I've done and I do miss my exAP. I've been physically ill with grief and longing but I tell myself that with time these feelings will go away. I hope so anyway. Being with my husband and family is such a support and where I feel better. I just hope I dont have to see my exAP at work much as it just hurts so much.

Bellechica,

I'm not trying to beat you up about this so please do not take it wrong. How do you plan to "rebuild" the marriage when it's based on lies? You are lying by just smoothing it over with "we just slacked of and kind of fell away from each other". And what happens when your husband finds out from someone else that you cheated? These things have a way of coming out. The AP may go to him, the APs wife may go to him. There are a million possible scenarios.

If you chose not to tell your BH, that's your deal. But I want you to be aware that this whole "it'll go with me to my grave" may not turn out that way. Are you prepared to face the fallout from that?

because I know my husband would leave me and my children would be devastated by divorce

You would actually be surprised at what you don't know. You won't really know the outcome until you've told him. One HUGE lesson I've learned here, Don't Assume Shit for your SO.

I am truly making an effort to change myself and reconnect with my H. He has changed as well since we are talking more and building intimacy. He acknowledges that we let our M slide and take a low priority in our lives.

But you guys are rebuilding and becoming closer on a foundation of lies and deceit. How long do you think that will hold? How strong will that foundation be once he finally finds out- and he will.

How can you be certain that you have stopped the behaviors and won't have another A? You're still lying to your H and keeping YOUR best interests at heart. Don't you think he's a adult who has a right to know and has a right to make a decision for himself? Would you want to know if he had an A so that YOU could make a decision?

Here's the problem, though. Your husband is being robbed of his choices. His life has been impacted without his consent and now will continue to always be.

There is absolutely no way you can guarantee this secret remains a secret. That's living with a time bomb.

It's your choice and this site is a great support. The very sad thing is while you both feel the marriage wasn't a priority only one of you knows it's not even really a marriage anymore. Those boundaries are forever shattered.

He will see your grief and assume he's the cause.

It's very hard to heal when you've removed so many tools. Honesty, respect, transparency.

I understand you alone need to decide this. It's a very hard decision. I know you said you want to change. That's going to take courage to really dig into why you felt an affair was an acceptable choice. Otherwise it's just a whitewash and you'll sadly be back in this situation again...probably very soon with the same person or another.

Good luck. This site is a great help and resource. Hope you'll keep reading and posting.

Keeping secrets was probably very prevalent in your family. You seem to be able to do it and think it will work out for the better in the long run. This is not true most of the time.

You keep telling yourself that they don't know me or my situation.

Maybe not you personally, but I and others have seen your situations thousands of times.

We do want to help you, but we are also warning you about what could possibly happen.

We've seen it..the outcome is never pretty.

It is not the affair that genuinely kills the marriage..it's the lying and deceit afterwards.

whose to say that the exAP won't start blackmailing you. He could say.."if you don't sleep with me again,I'm going to tell your BH about us."

What then?

You have to see him at work also..that's also not good.

This takes more than just sheer will.

It takes precautions, honesty and introspection.

My exAP will not tell and he will not blackmail me. He was a close friend before all this chaos happened and we both agreed that it had to stop. He isn't married. Yes I'll have to live each day with the possibility that some how the A may be discovered. I deserve to live in my own personal hell as I was the one who got into the A and tried to find a quick escape from my M. I never planned for any of this to happen. Being in an A terrible. Too many emotional highs and lows like I had no control over myself. I will NEVER repeat one and after trying to end the A several times I am finally feeling that it is truly over. I feel like I'm grieving and I've lost my friend forever actually I know I have. I can never be around him again. I will break this cycle of selfish behavior. I am truly greatful this forum is here so I can get my feelings out even if you all disagree. I'd rather turn to strangers than another man. I honestly think I have to set stronger boundaries with men.

While the self-preservation instinct of not telling is very appealing, it's important to realize that it's very rare that a secret of this magnitude will stay hidden forever, especially since it seems like you may be forced to come in contact with your AP at work. You may feel he's going to comply with NC because he's your 'friend', but he cannot be your friend in any form.

Continuing your life with these lies hanging over you will make your life difficult no matter how things go with your husband. Honesty may mean losing 'everything', but living in a marriage with a core of lies is not healthy for you, your husband or your children, no matter how determined you are not to cheat again. You cannot be truly intimate with someone you are actively hurting.

It's a hard choice that only you can make. If you dedicate yourself to determining why you cheated (being dissatisfied with the marriage is not sufficient), maybe you can make a go of it without coming clean... but that's a huge maybe. Follow the good advice you've already gotten to read up, and maybe get into IC to help you work through the issues you led you to make these decisions. I'd really suggest reading Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends", too, as it seems very appropriate for you.

As a final thought, after you had the first affair, did you feel confident you would never do it again?

[This message edited by idiot_husband at 10:52 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

Welcome to SI. You will find an amazing support system here. This place has been a savior for me. Like Fallen, I don't want to be hard on you given this is your first post but I will share things with you that others shared with me that ultimately set me straight.

I am not divulging the A because I know my husband would leave me and my children would be devastated by divorce

like SLH said, you'd be surprised what you don't know about your H. I think this is a common excuse to use when you're looking for justification to continue to lie by omission.

If you're reeling this much from what you've done and from seeing your xAP at work regularly, it's very likely that your BH already senses something's up. Your BH knows you better than you think. I too thought I'd take my secrets with me to the grave. Little did I know my H already knew. He sensed something and went into detective mode. Don't be surprised if this happens to you.

my friend

your xAP is not and cannot ever be your friend. EVER. Thinking of him in that light allows you to keep the A alive mentally. If you truly want this whole thing to end you have to go NC physically and mentally. PERIOD.

Look, I know you're hurting and seeing your xAP on a regular basis certainly doesn't help things. Once you get into IC and you start to learn just how damaging these secrets are, the guilt is going to eat at you - if it hasn't done begun to do so already. The guilt of knowing something your BH doesn't know. The guilt of the continued lies. The guilt of looking at your husband and lying to him with ease every single day. It's often said, in fact FRM said it, that the lies & continued deliberate deceit are what kills the M. It's true. Read my profile - I have a quote in there that came from a BH from another board that hit home for me. It hurt to read it because it could've easily been written by my BH.

While ultimately it's your decision to confess, if you genuinely want to change, grow, and heal, the path of least resistance is not sustainable. Real growth comes from doing things we have avoided all our lives. Facing what you don't want to face, feeling the hurt you don't want to feel, owning the shit you don't want to own.

I will NEVER repeat one

this is easy to say but harder to do when you haven't been faced with the repercussions of your actions. You've done this 3 times now. Never say never. It's too much of an absolute statement and really doesn't apply to your situation. You haven't done any real digging as to why you had A, so how can you prevent it from happening again? You said you tried ending this last A several times - what kept you coming back? Why did you have your A's in the first place? Why did you continue to think that a friend, your xAP, is a true friend? A true friend wouldn't willingly engage in the destruction of your life, your husband's life, your marriage, and your family. No REAL friend would do that.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 12:43 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

I honestly think I have to set stronger boundaries with men.

Yes..this would be very helpful.

Never confide in another man about troubles you are having with your husband.

Even innocently started, feelings will start to happen.

Keep posting and maintain NC.

We are glad you are here for help.

I deserve to live in my own personal hell

The problem is It won't be your private hell. Unless you "split" yourself it's a part of you and your actions. You'll feel it and so will your husband every day. He'll assume it's him.

Can you imagine building a wall around an infection hoping it won't spread?

I understand and won't continue along this subject. I urge you to consider how trying to control a bomb you've already set off is damn near impossible.

Building better boundaries starts with internal processes. Not external targets. That's where your focus needs to be. Not the men, the thought processes behind reaching out to them. What are those?

You all are very helpful and I have much to think about and to continue to soul search. I'm doing a lot of reading and learning. I'm still in an up and down mode emotionally. I don't see my exAP very much at work. We were in the same room last week but we didn't even make eye contact. We hurt each other and destroyed our friendship and you're right, he can never be my friend again.