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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honest. I'm so sorry. Are you ready to walk away? That is the only silver lining I can fathom for this new layer of hurts. Please know that we are here for you. I would hope that if you are not able to immerse yourself in the forums here, that you are reaching out via PM to get the support you need and that any one of us, including me, would love to give you. Hugs, honey.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I've missed you and I'm so sorry you are still dealing with more TT. I'm here if you need to talk. My 3 year antiversary is coming up in June. Yuk! I'm trying to not think about it. I'm still so very angry.

Even though H took OW to Vegas and even though I had a major trigger one day when the commercial came on "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"; I want to go back there someday with my girlfriends and reclaim it. I have never gone there with H, only with my Gf's and he said he'd never go back there because he hates it. The one and only time he goes and he brings OW. It's still so raw.

Nell - I swear if I Divorced H, he'd take up where he left off with OW. I've been making sure all my assets that I OWN are in a trust for my kids. If something happens to me, my H is screwed. He's made some shitty decisions with money that was left him and literally has nothing. I on the other hand have managed to hide a pretty good amount of money that I have worked very hard for. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and feel guilty about how I have planned things. But I'll be damned if OW will get ANYTHING of mine.

On a side note - my DD29 told me yesterday that she will never feel the same way towards her father again. H made a comment to her about how young people have no morals anymore. She looked him right in the eye and said, "you should talk". You have no morals yourself and are the biggest hypocrite I know." H walked away. I didn't realize how much it has hurt my adult children. She said she was sad that her father chose not to apologize to his kids or talk about how he had hurt a lot of people. She's angry and it saddens me because even my DS27 makes comments. A's go so deep and affect so many.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I'm so sorry for all that you are dealing with right now.
Please keep posting here-don't try to process all of this on your own.
We've missed hearing from you on the LTA forum.

Nell- Sorry that your WH turned out to be such a disappointment. But, it's good to hear how strong you sound.
How is your sister's baby girl?

nofun-
All of the news on TV about John Edwards and his affair has made me think about how much infidelity impacts families....and can have a devastating effect for years and even generations.
I think that my FWH helped rehabilitate his reputation with my DS and DD when he contacted both of them after d-day and apologized to them for the LTA and the hurt that he caused me.
And the fact that he got sober and went to AA gave the kids a very tangible example of his comittment to change.
He was very grouchy and negative toward me and the kids during the LTA years and even a bit before...
since d-day he has really changed in terms of how he relates to all of us-he is a changed man in many ways and I think that's what the kids are responding to.

I'm sorry that your kids still feel such pain and that your WH cannot seem to be able to comfort them.

I think the idea of keeping a nest egg separate from the marital money may not be a bad idea.

My FWH actually encouraged that for me. After d-day I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. I opened my own bank accounts etc. and after we reconciled he encouraged me to keep that account for myself and he contributes to that account with his part time job (he retired from his 30+ yr career one month before d-day).It's one of the ways that he tries to make amends to me.
My car is in my name alone also and it is paid for.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts. It really makes me feel good that you say I was missed!

I've been up and down a rollercoaster again, just when I thought I was starting to cope and ready to start anew, something else happens and I get knocked down again. I ended up in the depths of despair almost as deep as DDay. More TT and more things to deal with when I thought I more or less had a handle on things.

Ironically, when Mom was in the hospital and my sons visited, she was showing her true colors for all to see. The way she always acted with me, but hid it from others. I got validation from the older DS's that she is mentally ill....yes this is what I've been trying to tell people.

BUT,

Then, I felt so abandoned...like I thought my mother really loved me and it was just her black hole of need. Ok, she probably loved me to the best of her ability, but...

Sorry for the ramble, but this was coinciding with TT from NPD that verified that he NEVER EVER was faithful to me at any time during our whole relationship. I was NEVER the only one. EVER. I found out that the supposed "ex"gf that he continued to see while we were dating and even when we were first married had gotten pregnant while we were dating and he said they could get married and she said that that wasn't a good reason to get married and she had an abortion. He also told me that he "married" other women "religiously" while we were dating too.

All I ever wanted was to be loved and I feel so unlovable and unworthy.

God, I'm so sorry for dumping and venting.

I tried to skim through the posts I missed and I know so many of you are going through tough times and you are in my thoughts and prayers. {{{{Nell}}}
Welcome to the "newbies".

Love to all of you.

I'm just a mess.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

Thanks for reporting in. Like everyone else here I was worried about you. You have such a full plate and have to deal with a bunch of bad. Vent to us more often. It helps.

I can relate to what you said about your mother acting different toward you than she does to others. BPDs are so good at that. It is almost impossible to explain to people who have never seen it. Thinking of you.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I've recently had the same realizations about my mother. With my dad passing away last year, then mom spiraling out of control and finding out about fWH, I feel like I no longer have anyone I can really count on. A little bit abandoned, even.

Since my mom has been in the hospital this last time, she's suffered what appears to be a stroke. Total personality shift, and needs more help than she ever has before. I love her, and I will always love her, but I know that I can't fix her. I found out a few days ago that she named someone else her decision maker for medical stuff, and it hurts a lot. I'm the only one who knows all about her conditions, I'm the only one who has been there, I'm the only one she can count on. But she doesn't trust me.

Doesn't matter how old you are, seems like you can always screw up your kids.

I wish that I had something helpful to tell you, but I don't. Just know that you aren't alone. ((((hugs))))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you consider a long term affair? My wh was a year and a half and I struggle with how he could lie to me every day. He was being blackmailed. She said she would tell me. So this supposely kept him from skipping even a day of texting, IMing, calling, emailing. He did it all day every day. He travels and he lied to me and went to her state every month. How do you get past all the betrayals? Yes, he is doing everything right. Yes, I try and try to move past it and sometimes it works. Today is a bad day since he told me he used to blow me off to talk to her..I rarely called him while he was gone because I didn't want to bother him. I love him and I know I would be happier with him than without him but how do I live like this forever just knowing. Oh and the reason he had an affair ?? Mid life crisis..what a crock. I keep myself looking good so he would have an attractive wife, we spent time together, talked, and were always interested in what the other was doing. We had a happy marriage which he admits to..so why do this???

Posts: 828 | Registered: Oct 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feelthrownaway

I would call that a LTA.

We had a happy marriage which he admits to..so why do this???

He must have some sort of unfulfilled need. But in no way this is your fault. His issue is that he did not tell you. In my case, my wife couldn’t tell me in a way that would get my attention. Had she just said, “Honey, my boss and I had a moment today. I had feelings of attraction to him today. I wanted to kiss and have sex with him.” Wow, I would have had some wild emotions but guess what? It would have awakened me.

Imagine that? If the people we marry had that much openness. That is one of your H problems. He is not open to you. Why? They somehow allow fears, lies, shame, compartmentalizing, to dictate who they are. It is not some mid life crisis BS.. He wanted more sex is my guess. He wanted “strange.” “different” See, the problem now is he got it… and look what he’s done to someone he married. Hurt beyond what he knows or will understand. A cheater usually feels pretty bad once it’s all out. Hey world, I am an adulterer is not so good a label! We betrayed lose something forever too. It is never the same.

That’s my first guess Feelthownaway…So, what are you doing? R’ing it sounds like.

Honest, Good to see your post. Be strong woman! Move forward in your life! You can do this….

Dip, hope your wife is well.

Nell, Your H moved out yet? D but living togather? lol.. That could never be me.

Hey Nofun... Go do something fun on the 3
year..

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:35 PM, May 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
Trying to R. He hurt his back badly then got skin cancer. I wanted sex three times as week just as we had always done. Nope..his back hurt. So I take on all his projects and things around the house. He says the injuries made him feel old so he wanted to feel young and see if he could get another woman to sleep with him like he did in college. He never said anything to me. I knew his back hurt and did everything I could think of to help him with it. He never said he felt old. I had no clue he was cheating. I found out because one day he did not clear the browser on our computer. The hurt, the betrayal is brutal. No, he can't undo it though he says he wishes he could. He could have stopped the affair. I stopped it all the day I found out. Cancel his email, Im and blocked her number. It all took less than ten minutes. He said he didn't do that because he thought she would come to our home. Well, she didn't and she couldn't as she does not know where we live. How do you deal with it? This day by day is a bitch. Why he doing everything now when he did everything wrong then? How do you ever trust them again? Why do I have to feel as though he went out and got it out of his system now I am enough once again for him?

Posts: 828 | Registered: Oct 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Feelthrownaway

Welcome

You have so many questions - and every one of them is normal - every single one.

All of us BSs have had these questions and most of us still do. The question list for victims of LTAs is longer than for many others esp if there were also multiple partners or very long As.

Some you will get answers to - many you won't.

In the early days these questions used to run through my mind all day every day. Sadly, over time there will be more questions to add to the question bank. I used to come up with answers and then discard those answers and then ask myself (or FWH) again.

Your WH will give you some answers. Some will be true answers, some will be true in his mind but actually distortions to enable him to cope with his shame or stupidity, some will be outright and deliberate lies.

On SI you will read the standard response : "Because he was "broken" or "Because he was weak".

I wish we could give you the real answers honey. But sadly we can't. Your WH will give you some but you need to sift through them to find SOME truth.

After almost two years these are some of my answers.

1. He was a weak, selfish, fucktard, POS who thought only of himself. Both he and his whores told me that he always told them he would never leave me.
2. He demonized me (unjustly) in his mind in order to justify his selfish behaviour to himself and to his whores. OW3 begged him to leave me for her. He consistently said no and she became difficult. I believe he stayed with me because he realised how much "better" I was than his whores. He was a cake eater.
3. He just didn't care enough about me and the kids.
4. He was convinced he would never get caught and so never seriously considered the consequences.
5. Trust - I seriously doubt I will ever completely trust him again.
6. Good behaviour now - because it suits him. He realises this is the life he wants and is willing to try to save it. He has realised he has more to lose by leaving me than he has to gain. He has also realised that his whores are not worth the trouble. (This last one contains my words - not his!)

These answers sound fairly bitter and cynical. I think perhaps I am bitter and cynical. But I don't care. I like my life as it is with him now and so I let him stay. I am living my path of least regret. We get on well. He is attentive and thoughtful. He is the H he could and should always have been. Outwardly, I am the same as I have always been with a few minor adjustments. I now am willing at times to put my needs first. I always used to put him first. Don't misunderstand me - I still do put him first often but not always. Inwardly I am totally different. I am tougher. I have to be.

As my friend UK once said I am with him because it suits me and I like him well enough.

Why do I have to feel as though he went out and got it out of his system now I am enough once again for him?

This question really resonated with me. I said to FWH one day "You stole my life. For all of our M I tried so hard to have a good relationship with you and all that time you got to go out and have fun, get your jollies with your whores, get your validation etc all the while neglecting the kids and treating me very badly and making me feel like any problems in the M were my fault. For years I used to say to you "Why are you so cranky all the time? Why are you so nasty? Why can't you try to make our M work?" and all the time you didn't give a shit. You didn't need me. You had your whores!!! For God's sake, why did you do it?????

He could only answer "I was stupid and selfish and never thought I would get caught".

Anyway honey. You have a long road ahead of you. The most important piece of advice I can offer is:

Be kind to yourself.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arrrgh! Started a post on Monday and finally got to go back and finish it this Friday afternoon. Hit submit and then system says I am logged out. All my thoughts and well wishes were gone, poof! Off to another DD event so here goes a quik one.

WYE.. so sorry for the pain of the Vegas anniversary and your mom's poor health. Best wishes for you to survive and thrive again.

Nell.. sometimes it is good to be able to ship our porblems to someone else. Good luck!

Vegas, oh yes. A different twist. I took my W to Vegas during her A and she spent most of the time texting her AP. WS just know hou to trample souls all the while maintaing that no one is getting hurt because they keep it a secret.

Honest.. so sorry. TT runs a very close second to the A itself in causing pain and distress. Hang in there.

Someday.. sorry you have had to join this great but undesireable group. My onlvy advise is to show your wife trust for everything she says and be a skeptic of what she says and critically analyze to see if it makes sense. (see my profile), after DDay#1 my W gave me a false story about her A and said she ended the A because her AP said "you are a good little whore" and she did not like it. I consoled and comforted her as no one should be treated this way and it was all a lie!!!

Tryin... good comments / questions and they deserve a detailed response which I do not have time to post now but will do so later.

Wishing all a peaceful and joyful weekend.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe

Sorry I have been out of touch. Not a good week.

Trying to catch up:

Nope. Too hard. Just want to say it's great to see some old friends returning. I have read all the posts but too much to take in. HUGS to all.

At Laura's Place

FWH is behaving very well.

Recent news

OW1 quit her job (at the aged care facility where my mum lived before she died)and she and her H are off travelling around Australia. Hope while they are up north a crocodile gets her!!!

OW2 was thinking of leaving town but is still here.

Just heard that OW3 is still devastated by her son's suicide and is off to see her daughter in the UK again soon. YAY!!!!! Hope she never comes back.

Took DS21 to see the Prof for his Marfan check up last week. Not good news. Looks like major heart surgery coming up in the next few years. They have to put a dacron sheath around his aorta to stop it bursting!!! Scary stuff. I worry about his mental health. After his first lung collapsed in 2007 and he was diagnosed with Marfan he went into depression. We tried ADs but he got severe mania from the drugs and had to stop. He was going OK until his other lung collapsed in 2010. (While he was recovering from surgery 300kms from home I stayed with him. FWH came home and had a few nice nights with OW3).

Anyway both his mental and physical health have seemed good for the last year or so. The news was a blow to us both. FWH of course is in denial and doesn't seem worried. Par for the course. Throughout our M I am the one who always worried about the kids and dealt with their problems. FWH just goes on his merry way contributing lots to conversations by informing me of the trials and tribulations of the FDs, FGs, and FCs (for the newbies fucking ducks, fucking geese and fucking chooks which now fill his time as he no longer has any FWs - fucking whores )

So on that lighter note I will leave you all. It is 9am on a beautiful sunny autumn day here in Oz. I will go fill my bird feeder, have a nice cup of tea and watch our latest guests come in for breakfast. I love sitting on the side veranda because I know that no OW ever sat there. The king parrots, top knot pigeons, honey eaters and lorikeets still visit daily. Below is a pic of our newest visitors - Galahs.

HUGS to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:16 PM, May 4th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
I'm so sorry to hear about your DS's diagnosis.
I will keep him (and you) in my prayers.
Will you still be able to go on your trip to Europe?
Or will he need to stay close to home?

Love the pics of the beautiful birds.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.. I am glad those OW that have been part of your pain have been leaving yoursurroundings. It must give a tremendous sense of relief. More importantly, it is nice to hear that your H is behaving well. May it continue and strengthen.

I am sorry to hear about DS diagnosis. I often marvel at the HUGE advances in heart treatment since I have been alive. From the very first open heart surgeries in the 70s/80s to my 81 yo father having open heart surgery (quintiple bypass) and then being at my DS baseball game less than two weeks later. I sense your son will get excellent care and have a long and glorious life.

Tryin.. again, thanks for you comments. I have some time this morning and will share my perspective.

My M is not currently and has not been for some time a mutually affectionate, supportive, sexual relationship. It seems my W and I have vastly different values, desires, and perspectives. A very few examples:
- Dealing with our DS issues this week, one of the things we had agreed upon (herrequest and I supported), which we jointly told him (I toold him with my W present) was that he was no longer allowed to eat in his room. It had become apattern that he would sanck and eat his meals in his room. He was "not hungry" when we were having family meals. So after coming home form DD event Friday evening, my W and I enter his room to talk and his room is litterred with dirty dishes.

Later my W tells me that he ate his dinner that night in his room. She had asked him to eat his dinner downstaris and he said no he would eat in his room. Did she give him permission? response, no he just told me he was going to eat in his room. Did she tell him that was not acceptable? response - no, she cannot stand up to our children. Had she told me this and asked for my help? No, I only found out after seeing his room and asking. And our history is that my W has told me that I am harsh when I ask our kids to meet the committments her and I have agreed upon. This is my Catch 22 and I see no way to resolve it.

Good news / bad news. The lab reported that the over the counter drug test our DS took last weekend was negative and in contradiction to the initial positive result we saw at home. Still, my W and I both believe there is something dangerous going onand we still will monitor closely. My W had picked up DS from school and told him the negative results. His response was "fuck you!, fuck you! I had to get that off my chest". My W later told me this and said she understood his reaction and they continued on to discuss the issues calmly. My values are that a child should NEVER show such DISRESPECT to anyone, especially their parent The parents who know the damage that illicit drug use can cause and will do their best to ensure that this tragedy does dot happen to their child.

Mutually satisfying sexual relationship. This has been an issue throught our M. This is an aspect of marriage that I consider paramount to a healthy marriage. It is the one aspect of life that should only be shared between spouses. It is not shared with parents, children, friends, colleagues. It is special and unique to the M. I have always made this effort to make my W feel special and please her sexually both emotionally and physically. And she has acknowleded this by telling me repeatedly that "I am so good to her".

Yet, the same desire to please me sexually has been lacking. I have openly discussed this with her on many occassions. Her response over the past few years was that she did not feel the desire and earilier in the marriage was that it made her uncomfortable. And then she has this entirely sexual affair where she does extreme things to please her AP sexually. There were no dinners, no givts, no vacation get aways. Just sex, phone calls, texts, photos.

I have supported my W for 20+ years emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. I have regularily acknowledged her many and great characteristics. Her instinct to face challenges, to do things she has never done before. Her skills as a cook and preparation of meals for the family. Her beauty. Her contributions to our community. Her skills in her profession.

Andyes, I have sometimes been demanding, angry and treated her poorly. Sometimes with cause: there was not time to be sexual with me because she was tired but there was time to stay up to 11 pm to prepare for the extra, extra girl scout activity. Being a Girl Scout troop leader was a GREAT thing. I admired her for it greatly. Neglecting me in the M wihile dvoting time to achive greater success for the girls did not meet my values. And somethimes it was just a lack of patience on my part.

Her values have been that since these aspects of our relationship were not perfect and had faults, she could not be affectionate and sexual with me until they were fixed.

In 2011 and during the midst of her A, I had enought and was looking at how to D properly to minimize the consequential damages to all including our children, parents and each other. Yet, instead I made another committment to myself and to my W to do all the things that a H should do. She responde that "I am in a different place (in our relationship and committment) than you". Still, I did these behaviours. Shortly thereafter I was rewarded with DDay1 followed by lies for two months until her hand was forced by the telephone logs. Months followed where her current and past actions were justified because I confronted her with the knowledge I had gained.

Bottomline:none of this matters. My W says she is unhappy, has told me verbally and shown me through her actions that she does not desire me. It is against my values, character, and desire to stay in this type of relationship. It is my value and character to address life's issues straight forward and in this case it means I will proceed towards D.

I will be giving um many things that I hold dear. The friendship with my W. This is what began and led to our M. The admiration of her as a whole and the desire to share every part of my life with her. The daily and improptu interaction with my children. There is no substitue for the relaxed and unplanned conversations and interactions with them and their friends. And what could have been our future together as a family.

Tryin... thanks for aksing the good questions. It has given me the additional reason to assess and analyze . Thank you.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

After his first lung collapsed in 2007 and he was diagnosed with Marfan he went into depression. We tried ADs but he got severe mania from the drugs and had to stop.

This is almost a definition of bipolar disorder. Some people have this "soft" version where they almost never get manic but have treatment-resistant depression. Consider taking him to a psychiatrist who specializes in bipolar -- they might find a medication that works for him. I know many times they use my medication (Lamictal) for soft bipolar or even for treatment-resistant unipolar depression.

I'm sorry he'll need surgery, but happy to know that they've caught this in time to repair the damage.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura -I'm so sorry about your DS. Prayers & thoughts for you & your family. Take care of yourself.

H&C - You need to do whats best for you. I havent reached that point nor do I have the strength at this point in time but I know dep in my heart its where I'm headed in the next few years.

Take care Tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - Prayers for you son are coming your way. And thank you for the pictures of the beautiful birds.

I love reading your posts, especially the comments on the OW...it gives me chuckles.

Hugs to all the tribe.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feelthrownaway

I think this is very good he has told you some of this stuff. I think your far enough out for me to tell you this and you might be able to absorb it. As I read your post and knowing you are on the path I took… Here are some thoughts I give to you…

The hurt, the betrayal is brutal.

Yes. It is brutal and your H made a poor choice. It was his choice and not yours. You choice is about today. You have made the choice to R, so do it all the way. You do it half way, you will continue misery. Doing it 100% will still have it’s ups and downs. Know it, accept it with positive responses. I will not be the one to D. If your H makes the choice to D, that is him leaving you. Yes, you now have this memory, might be like a amputee, it will always now be in the back of your mind, But if you forge on a peace will come back to your soul because you are allow God to take you on this journey.

This is about you today. Only you can control your own mind. Some givens in life are that people are not always loyal or loving. It is up to you to fully understand, this happened to you. You can allow what has happened to you effect your feelings today, or let go, accept it for what it was, and move toward good feelings today. You can allow yesterday ruin today, or you don’t let yesterday ruin today.

You now have the choice to make. You can view this as an awakening or continue to live in misery. You can have….More intimacy, More closeness, more giving because if you do these things, you will find the rule of reciprocity kick in. I don’t know you but it sounds like you H needs the love… “words of affirmations” Woman often look at us men as masculine, powerful mind control, etc… But we need to be told how we are a lion! We are king. We are powerful, we are the best at making love, we are… the best any man can be. I tmust be told and shown in a hundred different ways to us. SOme men don't need this kind of love so much, some men do. You filled his sex bucket, this A may not have been about sex. It might have been about affirmation in other ways. When a woman is not doing that to us, we seek it. And since you never knew, how could you possilby do? YOu could not! Many woman will puke at what I just said.. Then go vomit I say, you are not the woman this man wants and needs. You don’t have to be this woman for me, but I know some woman will be. Men cannot be let off the hook... In return, every man has a responsibility too. To be the man a woman needs. That is for another post… lol.. This R is mutual! Accept nothing less!!!

You can treat your H poorly right now = Bad feelings (when you treat other bad, YOUR feeling are bad)
You can treat your H good right now = good feelings (It feels good to treat others good)

I stopped it all the day I found out.

The way I see this, No you didn’t stop it, your H stopped. You just found out and he made the choice to stop.

Things you now must work on is yourself. What are your values? What are good values vs. bad values? Here a few that are rock solid for anyone

- I will not change my spouse. I leave it up to my spouse to change himself.
- I will, every time, voice my displeasure when my boundaries are crossed in a way of strength, conviction, and with all my power keep self control from throwing evilness comments or actions.
- I will change myself when I am not following what I know are good values for me.
- I am human and accept I will make some mistakes, but I will pick myself back up and get back on track.
- I take care of my own emotional well being.
- I will make time for my spouse everyday.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:27 AM, May 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeandchange

I am in a new phase of my life. I am working on me. I am trying to be the most attractive man in all areas of life. It's not so easy. You can be attractive... your wife will then desire you.

The woman who is right for you will be a pleasure to bless. The woman who is NOT right for you will be an exhausting burden to bless.

You care for you son, this is why you test him for drugs. You must make sure you teach your son to be a man of good values, strong masculinity and strenght.

This stuff worked for me... Explain to your son.. A man has the strength of self control. A man who can control is emotions does not say "Fuck you" to his parents. A man can see that addiction ruin lives. By me doing this test shows I care. I will trust you from now on. No more test. If I find evidence, I will test you again and you will have consequences to pay. So you know son, The final ultimate consequence is that I will not allow an addicted person in my life. I will not allow me to be addicted.

Anyways.. You are a man of good values because you want to change and meet your W’s needs. I see it..

My son Graduates from Purdue this week doing it in 4 years. He has a job alreadying making a very good salary to start. He never got in trouble his career at a very hard college, Purdue. He flys on his own as of this week. I hope he is much like the "good" me... and I continue to teach him all that I know learning from my own life Experiences.

Laura! I love the pics..Thanks for giving me the smile on my face!!

Oh well off to have a great day! Peace all.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:50 AM, May 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin.. thanks for the input.

I am working on me.

Same here. I do it daily, I seek out new perspectives, I am introspective. And that has brought me peace.

My W is not working on herself. She sees my faults and faults in others. Yet, she does not acknowledger her own. She can see how DD can be mean to her when DD is stressed. She does not see that she treats me poorly when she is stressed.

I am trying to be the most attractive man in all areas of life. It's not so easy. You can be attractive... your wife will then desire you.

One of my flaws - respect is more important to me then being liked, even being loved. I will not compromise my values and that includes cheating on my spouse. It also includes that my spouse is accountable for her actions.

My W had not been to her therapist for weeks prior to me telling her it was time to D. Her sexuality in our M was missing, she had been given suggestions by her therapist and she had not followed through on them. Her response was she devoted time after DDay and our M issues no longer required that intensity. My vlaues are that our M was broken, I was betrayed, and she needed to treat this as an emergency until some progress was made. I gave her room and her behaviour showed complacency.

At her latest IC session, whe concluded that her A was a coping mechanism due to being surrounded by unhappines - my unhappiness, our childtren's unhappiness. Really? Did her IC ask for specifics - I doubt it. If I was unhappy, it was due to a lack of affirmation from my W, respect, affection, and sexual. It is unfair for her to blame our kids and the troubles they had at the time. And she gives respect, affection, and her sexuality to her AP who 1) was not supporting her financially, 2)was not coping with raising our children 3) was not her companion at religous services, dinners, shopping or other events 4) SPEAK HIGHLY of HER to OTHERS (I assume that he said nothing about her to family and friends or only bragged about what a great lay she was), 5) I treated her with respect (her AP referred to her as his whore or his slut, of course this was only during sex).

So, I can be a man of great values. I can provide for my W and children, I can support my W spiritually and with companionship. AND it does not necessarrily mean she will desire me.

The woman who is right for you will be a pleasure to bless. The woman who is NOT right for you will be an exhausting burden to bless.

How True!!! I thought I had the former for 20 years and now fear I have the latter!!!


You care for you son
,

Yes, and I agree and have done all the things you have said. I strive to raise him as a man who will have great values and treat women respectfully.


My son Graduates from Purdue this week

Congratulations!!! Purdue is a very fine University. It is one of the few Universities that the firm I work for will recruit graduates.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

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