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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken - Just wanted to reiterate what others have said. It's something that took me a long time to even wrap my head around, and something that I don't like, but it is reality.

You will never know everything.

You just won't. People who are betrayed through ONS or very short term affairs may get closer, just by virtue of the fact that there is less to remember.

In a LTA, it's impossible.

Even if your WS wanted to tell you everything, even if they wanted to clear their conscience entirely and start with a blank slate, it would be impossible. There is too much time involved, too many details, too many days, too many meetings, etc.

Instead, you have to work towards what those of us here in this forum strive for...accepting the entirety of it all. The bits and pieces are never going to be as crushing as the cumulative effect of them all, and when you're dealing with a betrayal as huge as an LTA, you'd run yourself ragged if you ever tried to work through each specific piece. There are simply too many of them.

I won't claim that I'm anywhere near acceptance myself. I won't claim that there aren't things I wish he could remember.

I guess my point is that to some degree you have to let go of the idea that you can ever know everything.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's the weekend, so things are slow around here, but I could use a little pep talk.

More like a talk to nudge me away from the edge of losing it completely....

fWH is backpacking with our oldest, and I checked on his accounts (he knows I have the pws and do it occasionally).

Checked his search history, two things are really f-ing with me right about now.

Several instances of searches on both his and my account for porn, which I can tell is from my son (the one who is backpacking), just based on the maturity levels of what the search terms are (like "boobies")

This is what he's been up to in the morning, hacking onto his father's account or mine and looking for naked pictures of girls. Barf.

As if that isn't bad enough, found something else.

Someone using fWH's account searched OW2's name a few weeks ago.

I'll admit I google her every so often (we were Bffs, and the betrayal is horrid), but I don't think I was ever logged into his account that day. At all. It could be from anyone logged into his account, or from his phone.

I'm freaking out. This is a dealbreaker if he did it again.

And he's up in the flipping mountains with porn-boy.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey WYE. So... you sense something. It might be what you fear, it might not. The fact that your FWH is away gives you some valuable time to figure out your what next ... if X then Y, if Z then? ??

I always feel better when I have a while to sort through all the bits and pieces... sort of settle things in my head before acting out IRL.

Good luck!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, trust me....it's better that neither of them are here right now! I am grateful for a day to sort it out, dig deeper and decide how to approach it.

Searching OW2 was one of the things I caught him doing when I hacked his accounts, which led yo the end of TT....it's a sore subject.

It's entirely possible that it was me doing it (which I know I need to stop anyway)....but I am not sure.

Grrrrr....frustrated with myself for not remembering. He's finally started to make some real progress in IC & MC....I'd hate to find out he's still up to his old tricks.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
Sorry about all the triggers that you are dealing with.
About your DS...it is normal for boys to be curious so maybe all you can do is try to keep him busy and supervise his computer use a bit more...especially in the mornings!
About googling the OW...
it may have just been you.
Why would your husband google her name? If he really wanted to contact her wouldn't he just email her or text her?
Googling her name is more like something that we as BS do. I still do that every once in a while and I'm 5 yrs post d-day!
So...it may not be the worst case scenario.

What do you think you will do? Will you ask your WH about the googling? or will you just wait and watch?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the thing though....I've caught him Googling her before. He just wanted to see a picture, and I'd blocked any other way they could communicate. Barf. I'm not sure what I will do when he gets home tomorrow. Sigh.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye-
do you still go to MC? Maybe that would be the place to bring this up? Has he talked about how he feels about the OW now? Do you think he is still mooning around about her? Does he say he is 'over' her ?
Does he go to IC?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever

As you may know, sex in my relationship has been one of only if not last issues I am trying to deal with.

You need to know this about men because a woman just does not have the same type feelings. We healthy men have a need for sex. It starts a very young age. It is not up to anyone to tell any man how much sex they need. The need sometime is frequent as everyday or once a week. Most healthy woman seems to get her feelings of sex fulfilled just by reading a novel, watching a love movie, soaps etc.. This is not the case everytime but a woman needs many things to have sex everyday or whatever 2-3 times a week. Women seem to get statisfied with thier brains, not the physical part... watching that stuff seem to satisfy most woman. That does not satisfy a man. A man needs the release to feel exactly the same way. We are wired totally different.

Your son is hungry. It happens to all us boys. He is going to masturbate no matter with porn or not. The fantasies are part of a man. Do you want to make him feel guilty for a God given gift? Don’t make him think of sex a bad thing in any way is my thoughts.

I think you can help your son understand a few things about Porn. Porn is not real, those woman fake it. Most woman are yelling the love it when those position may really be hurting them. Each woman he falls in love with will enjoy different sex and you must understand to respect your woman. Every time he looks at porn, he supports a shady industry. Slaves, manipulations, child abuse, etc.

You can offer him some advice that a masculine man with good values has control over his mind and will make a value to respect all women. You can tell him men once a man begins the visual parts of sex, especially video, it becomes line a drug. Your future W may not respect that behavior. You watch it enough video, you think your woman should just roll over and give you sex without doing all the things a man must do to attract, warm-up, stimulate his woman.

Now you have a great teaching moment.

Start with honey. I was on the computer looking for a food site I visited last month and found a porn site visited. Just listen for a minute… Then just tell him… when you are done.. say… Do you have any questions? Ok have a good day.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:08 AM, May 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I know that I have to deal with my son carefully. I don't want him to think sex is dirty or that there is something wrong with him, but I also don't want him to think that porn IS real sex either. I'm glad I've had a while to think about it and calm down before they get back.

As for fWH, he is in IC every week and we go to MC occasionally.

As to what he thinks about OW2, I can honestly say that I am not sure. I know he sees OW1 in a very negative light now, and he threw her directly under the bus on dday and never looked back.

OW2, though, isn't like that. They took the online portion of the affair underground after dday until I caught them.

Since then, I've caught him checking a secret email account to see if she contacted him, caught him googling her. His excuse was that he "just needed to see a picture of her". We all know that he was really hoping she was trying to contact him.

I've since deleted that email address and she is blocked on all forms of communication he has (those that I know about anyway).

He's never seen her in the same negative light as the other one, and the few times he has posted here, he's only talked about the length of time since he had NC with OW2.

I know he missed her for a long time. I know that he still might. Which hurts even more because she was supposed to be my bff.

I know it sounds silly to think it was him, but I am afraid it was. He's done it before, and he knows that if I found out he'd done it again, it would be a dealbreaker.

I don't "sit" on information well, and will probably talk to him about it today. We don't even have another MC appt scheduled yet, and there is no way I can handle the stress of not knowing with everything else going on in my life right now.

His reaction will tell me the truth.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang on there WYE


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was him.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WYE))) I don't post much on this tread but I do lurk. I am so so sorry that it was him. I am glad you found out quickly....I assume no TT about the matter. Please take care of yourself.


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WYE))))

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
So sorry to hear that.
I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever... You are worthy of so much better. What was the reason he said he peaked? If he looked at porn, that is one thing, but the OW is another. OK.. let’s think about this… You invited him back to the M again yet he picked to still think about this fantasy of a life. So what are his consequences for this behavior? WYE, I say a woman should never sacrifice her own values! Sometimes WYE, life does not go the way you plan. Don’t spend any more energy “watching over” him because he is not worthy.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((WYE)))))
When are they due back? Do you have a plan of any sort? The fact that he was/is looking for OW seems to reveal that he isn't fully in the marriage. I'm so sorry.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((WYE)))))
I'm so sorry. Now what?

PM me if you want to talk about this. I've done some thinking on the topic, as Mr. XNell did something similar-ish.

Thinking of you. Be strong, and be good to yourself.

Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE.. I am sorry to hear the awful news. Do take care of yourself and try to avoid quick decisions. Analyze and plan what is best for you and then and only then act quickly.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{WYE}}}

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone...I'm a wreck. He lied about it initially, because that's what he does whenever I confront him with information. Then he admitted it. He claims he was just having doubts, that he searched OW, clicked on one link and immediately closed it after he realized how wrong it was.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I really don't think he understands why this is a big deal.

I have no idea what I'm going to do.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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