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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell,
Happy birthday 21st & many more to come. Enjoy your new life.
So good to hear that the baby is doing so well. With you as an aunty she is truelly blessed.

take care

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - Happy Birthday! And, I'm glad that the baby is doing well & has a good prognosis.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. Today is my birthday. I'm 40. Thank God my 30s are behind me; they SUCKED! It's all up from here!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday, too. I am 41 today. It has been a pretty good day so far. fWH and DS gave me cards and gifts last night since I was going to be out of the house before DS woke up this morning. He bought me a really cute dress, new sunglasses, and a cover for my phone (which is a hideous camouflage pattern, but he let our son pick it out and no matter how much he or the salesperson tried to convince him otherwise, our little guy insisted "mommy wants the army one!" So I am using it proudly.) :) I had to be at my home office (I'm a consultant) over lunch today, so fWH came and met me here and took me for coffee and to exchange said dress, since I was swimming in the one he got me.

I am sorry to hear that there are health issues for the baby, but I am very glad to know that it can be managed. What a scary situation, though.

Just posting quickly, I hope to catch up more tomorrow.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1682 | Registered: Nov 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday to cdnmommy and to Nell!
May this year be the best year ever for both you!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday cdn and Nell

Have a great day

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chiming in late, but just had to say I hope Nell and cdmommy had great birthdays! Yay! Happy, happy birthday and all the wishes you could wish for yourself - may they ALL come true!

Love 'n' hugs

Nell - I hadn't kept up with your baby news, I'm sorry. I hope that the consultants have painted the worst case for your niece and that she will be much further up the health scale than they anticipate. Sad, but glad she's going home. Best place to be.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baby ARGH. They did an echocardiogram and it turns out the veins leading into (or out of?) her heart are bent... so now they are consulting with cardiologists. So I need more prayers, if you please.

cdn, happy birthday, sister!

Laura, love the card.

All's well in my little household. Boyo1 has a very good eye for jewelry. Lucky future girlfriends! And they are both silly and great (and healthy). I'm so lucky to have them and my tribe!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell,
Mega prayers for baby & family. Thinking of you all.

take care.

dp


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey allgood,

Sounds like your H is still not getting it. All you can do is tell him what you need. You can not say a word, he will never get it. Who will tell him what it mean to be a good man? Who will tell him what YOU need?

"Honey, you want me back? A mututally statisfying marriage is one of love, affection, caring.. CARING and consideration. I need a man who will nurture, care about me, be aware of, give me comfort, consider me, an be present with me, willing and wants to be with me when I am sick. A man who’s values THIS, “my wife has surgery, I need to make sure she is healed, taken care of, feeling safe before I go and be entertained.” Your husband does not have this value. It is your choice to be a man of value to a wife, or not. YOU GOT THAT H?"

Fairness to him is for you to have the courage to tell him what I said.

I was once that man. I never knew because I was so focused on me. This week, my wife is about to have an implant on her front top tooth #9. I made a point, out of my new values; I will be here for her this time. I was there for the consultation, the money, encouragement, and be there when the surgery takes place.

As I look back, It was my wife responsibility to tell me when I was not there for her. No, she buried the feelings and got mad. She then became open to another man trying to feel that need, not me, because she did not tell me what she needed. Only in time to find out her new man was no different than me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:02 AM, April 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood- I agree with Tryin it does not sound like your WH is putting 100% of his effort into R.
If he was...he would be asking to be with you and the kids all the time-and he certainly would have been there for you when you had surgery.
Who knows? He may still be in contact with the OW and that is keeping him in a fog.
Or...he really does prefer the single lifestyle.
But, from the little that you describe he does not sound truly motivated or invested in saving the marriage.
That takes a huge effort on the part of the WS.
And even with a huge effort it takes years for a BS to 'get over' a LTA.

nell-my prayers are with your sister and her precious baby.

Tryin- I'm glad that you will be there for your wife.
One thing that I notice on SI is that the marriages that R are the ones that re-invent themselves post d-day.
IMHO everything about the marriage has to change.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn & NJGal - thanks for responding. Tryn - I understand what you are saying about being my responsibility to tell him what I need. Your wife's reaction was very much like my own throughout the marriage. Even after I realized how destructive that response could be I had trouble changing because I really felt some things should not have to be explained or told to someone that you've had a 20+year relationship with. I get what you are saying.

I guess my ongoing question is why should I put myself at risk again for someone who still doesn't get it? Do I want to be with someone whoe doesn't naturally know that the day after I have eye surgery he should 1 - not leave me to care for 4 kids unassisted & 2 - should call to see if I'm ok & 3 =- shouldn't get so inebriated so as to make it impossible to assist me if I called him for help?

Just one example. If it was an isolated thing, that would be one thing. I see it as more of an ongoing thing with him. That he still has not scheduled mc is also grating on my nerves. Which was told to him a few weeks ago.

If he is this out of touch with what I consider to be normal, considerate behavior, who's going to be there to tell him not to have inappropriate exchanges with women when I'm not around?

I guess I just can't think of any good reasons to keep it together with him. Kids' expectations for marriage & family life have already been altered. I'm fine. Kids seems to be fine. His work schedule makes family time a 1 day a week event anyway. I think I just don't like to be the one tomake the ugly decision.

ANyhoo - thanks for listening, as always.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:49 AM, April 22nd (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

I may be projecting a bit, but it seems to me that you have given Mr. Nogood all the information he needs to make a decision to give what he needs to give to create a healthy relationship or not. And he has made many, many DECISIONS... CHOICES... to do the opposite. Is it worth your time and effort to, as tryn counseled, tell him yet again that he needs to be a partner to you and not one more child for you to provide for? I don't know. Maybe I'm not remembering correctly and you haven't actually had this conversation seventy kabillion times. Or maybe the seventy kabillion and oneth time will be the magic number. I just hate to see you in limbo. It's a painful place to be.

Of course, you should also keep in mind what I decided to do, and take my words with a shaker of salt.

Baby is home and doing a very good job of celebrating all night.

I have an appointment with my mortgage lender on Tuesday and have my eye on a townhouse that would meet all my needs. And I've joined meetup groups and met some nice people. And I've gotten my ego stroked on an online dating site and met some genuinely nice men. And one of my divorced friends is REALLY HAPPY to have another single mom to do stuff with. Life is good right now.

Hugs all around.
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - glad to hear you so happy!

And, as always - you crack me up!

I agree with you - I think enough's been said to him too.

And, to be honest. I'm not a very nice person when I'm with him anyway.

I'm actually doing good tho. I've got a lot of pockets of new friends that go out more than my old ones - so I'm not bored, lonely, etc. Dating the cute younger guy definitely was a good remedy for my bruised ego - but also provided the swift kick in the ass that I needed to remind me that I'm not ready to have another relationship, even if the X-factor was 100% resolved.

Peace to all!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LTA peeps,

That he still has not scheduled mc is also grating on my nerves. Which was told to him a few weeks ago.

So here is a contrast. FWW has been trying to fix her issues, to some extent our M is just icing on the cake for her. When she did not finish everything last Friday, she rescheduled another IC for this Friday instead of the normal every other week.

She works on her independant of me. I do not have to remind or suggest anymore. This is how she fixes our M, by fixing her. Sure I have a basketfull of crap sandwiches (well mostly crusts and wrappers, I have been eating for 2+ years) of my own to work through to healing, but she is out in front healing herself.

Anyone who has to cajole or remind, then your WS is not really trying to do the work. Sure it took FWW a year or so to engage, but since then she has been on a mission.

I miss honest.

Glad to read you are doing well Nell.

Thinking of you Tryn.

My life is good with FWW. I am on another trip of self-discovery mostly in my professional/social life.

Hugs all,

Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have little time to post. I send all my best thoughts to all. My W has some serious medical problems. It is not life threatning but 24/7 time comsuming. I will be dealing with this issue for a few more months and may not have much time to add my almost super power knowledge to these discussions. I hope you all will be able to make it without me.
Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip,
Best thoughts for you & your W. Take care Bro.

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip- Sorry to hear about your wife. Hope she recovers soon.
I know that you are there to support and nurture her.
She's a lucky woman.

Allgood- I do think that there's one issue that seems to recurr in your discussions about your WH-and that is his issue with alcohol.
I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic and trust me-everything that you say about your husband points to a possible addiction problem.
There are plenty of functioning alcoholics out there. They go to work, hold down professional jobs appear to be able to 'hold' their liquor or just binge now and then...but under closer scrutiny -they do have a problem.
The first question to ask is- does his drinking impact his life negatively in any way?
could he stop drinking 100% tomorrow if you asked him to? or would he resist?

Many people have issues with alcohol-it starts out as their way of letting off steam but very easily can turn into a habit that they rely on every single day.

My husband would drink a bit at lunch and then come home and pour himself a drink after work to 'relax' and that would be the start-he would sit on the couch watching sports and the glass was always full. He was not loud, not sloppy,he just had a buzz on all evening and would eventually fall asleep on the couch.

On weekends he would start with a beer at lunch time and then another in the afternoon and then eventually switch to the hard liquor.
To the casual observer he did not appear to be a drunk...but it was affecting him every day-dulling his senses, keeping him detached, grouchy, toxic.

And then there were the binges.
When he was younger it was the happy hour after work to 'unwind'....except the happy hour would last an hour longer, then one more...until he crawled home late...too late to tuck his kids into bed,too late to interract with me...

and then our unhealthy pattern as a couple would begin....he would get the cold shoulder from me for a few days...then he would apologize and 'be good' for a few days to get back in my good graces and then the cycle would happen all over again.

In many cases that you read about on SI-alcohol played a huge role in the infidelity.
The MOW in my case was/is am alcoholic.She became his first female drinking buddy.

Its all a part of the toxic thinking and the slippery slope...

Maybe I'm completely off track here but I don't think so.
If you can- try reading some of the old posts in I Can Relate- When you Love an Alcoholic.
Also checking out the site for ALANON and reading some of the articles there might give you some insight.

Addictions are not what we think they are...there is an Addictive way of looking at life, living our lives, and approaching issues in our lives.


I found two books by Craig Naaken to be very helpful:The Addictive Personality and Reclaim Your Family From Addiction.

I've been re-reading these books lately and am amazed at how much of the information also applies to infidelity issues.

I now see and addictive element to the long term affairs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Allgood
I guess my ongoing question is why should I put myself at risk again for someone who still doesn't get it?
You don't. You can go ahead and file D. That would make it easier for you to find a good new man. You already know you attract men. A good one will come at the right time.

I think you make the decision to R, then do it. You invite your H back to your house and you live for today. R = Mutually.. not Singular. Go to Retro! place some needs down in writing. Look at if he really is a drunk. Does he drink everyday?


“Doesn’t naturally know”

You have boundaries and you let him cross them just like my wife allowed me to cross her boundaries over and over for years a years. She had minor surgery but I worked that day. Why did I do it? because my belief was that "I" could easily handle that surgery if it was happening to me.

I can remember before my W's A... she was saying things like.. "I am not happy" me, "Why?"
her, "I don't know."

I totally blame my wife for her inablity to protect her boundaries. Her real fix was that I was not romancing her. I was not giving her the emotional support, emotional words... I was not making her feel safe. I tried to "fix her" issue by giving her more freedom.. Freedom away for me in a job! Her new job with the man who gave her emotional words, romance... And me too weak to enforce my own boundaries once I knew they were being crossed. Nope.. no more fixing I will ever do... I will creat a conflict and she will fix herself on her own, by her own choice. I will creat conflict over and over until she fixes or leaves.

That is my message Allgood. We will end up in the same type relationships over and over if we don't make ourselve aware, act on all boundaries crossed, make it communicated in a safe but effective way... And that is so critical... conflict in a safe but effective way?

Nell.. You are proof of how you can move on in your life... of course you will meet a good man. This time, you are much wiser and the selection will be better. Just watch out for the liars and fakes!... lol

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:53 AM, April 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just visiting to add my thoughts.

Nell - Sending prayers for the baby. I feel it will be a tough road but one that will even out to become a blessing. I don't know why I feel this but I do. Sending healing energy your way. Love to you and your family xxxxx.

Dip - Sorry to hear about your wife. You are a strong man and will get her through this. Just another challenge in the long list of challenges that make us who we are.

DD - I don't really know your story but I empathise with your question about the feelings you have about yourself having been betrayed for so long. Not surprisingly, I believe we all go through this. I sent an email to my stbxh in the first few weeks after D-Day saying something like "I can't believe I wasted the past 25 years on you". He was devastated, couldn't understand how I could say something so hurtful . His answer was "I do not feel that I have wasted the past 25 years. I have treasured every moment". Hmmmmm. I guess you look at things from a different perspective when you have a large slice of chocolate cake in one hand and a loving family in the other. Don't be too hard on yourself. I asked my counsellor how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I see it? How could I have been in so much denial, so blind etc etc? (my stbx was sleeping with my dearest friend and next-door neighbour for years, amongst others). She explained to me that the reason I didn't see it was because I was living a totally different reality to my H. I was in a marriage, loved him unconditionally and was busy supporting him in his achievements, working full-time, tending to kids, home, finances, not to mention feeding bloody chickens!! When someone pops round to the neighbour's house for coffee, must we all now think "I bet he is really going round for a fuck"? I know in my case the answer must be YES that's what he's really going round for but SERIOUSLY!! Who wants to live their life like that. You are living your life with integrity and trust and with an authentic purpose. NEVER criticise yourself for that.

Land of Ellejay: Had a sad moment yesterday. Having Sunday dinner with my two sons aged 19 and 23 and my daughter aged 13. My 19 year suddenly brought up a conversation he had with his father a couple of weeks ago. Stbxh asked DS19 whether he had a girlfriend yet and he said No. Of course idiot stbxh otherwise known as Sir Shagalot couldn't resist this pearl of wisdom "Well son, why don't you just go out and get your leg over?" (This is Aussie slang for a one-night stand in case anyone needs an interpreter). DS19 just looked at him and apparently had to bite his tongue but managed to say "Because Dad, I have more respect for women than that". What he really wanted to say was "I don't want to be like you". DS19 then said "I love Dad because he is my Dad but I have no respect for him, he will never be a role model for me". I was devastated. Not for me, not for stbxh but for my son. All this has basically robbed my son of the father I wanted him to have. The price of infidelity is huge.

Be back once I've had time to catch up on everyone's stories. Hopefully I can come up with something brilliant to add but don't hold your breath.

Laura - Love you sister!!!


Love Ellejay xxxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in quick...

Nell, thinking about you and the baby.

Dip, your wife is a lucky woman to have you. I wish you peace, strength and healing.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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