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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault
As hard as life is... You can change and make a good one out of it. You can do it.

I think of Iwant as a great example.. She must be feeling pretty good about now moving foward in her new career choice.

Nell.. A book I once read call Sex on the Brain... As you move forward in life Lesson 6: use your brain before you give away your heart.

Nell da kenny Rogers.. "Know when to walk away... know when to run."

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:51 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trip was fun. Very tiring -- it's no picnic taking 3 preschoolers and a ten year old to the beach -- but still great!

I hope everyone else had a lovely weekend as well.

Tryn, so sorry about your coworker.

I'd like to help you all so much, but I just don't know what to say. So I send my love.

Oh, and ATS -- I've been reading more Peema Chodron. Very awesome stuff.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All, just checking in to say Hi and see how folks are doing.

Laura, I think there is a typo and that post card was supposed to saw "seen more as a prostitute..." I am glad you are getting past your second dday anti, and wish you well for your coming trip.

m334455, I am glad you find reading Pema Chodron profitable. I go back to her books from time to time. I really need to get back to structured meditation and some yoga again.

trynhard, sorry about the coworker who was killed, but honestly I am surprised this sort of thing and road rage do not happen more frequently.

Hi honesttoafault, sorry you are still feeling stuck. Not much to offer than a big hug and to let you know I often think and wonder about you.

Brokenworld,

That was when he (MC) told me that he advises couples to maintain some sense of denial when it comes to details of an Affair - even when caught red handed - go figure!! He rationalizes this by saying that if I knew all the details of the LTA I would not be able to eat at specific restaurants, stay at specific hotels, or even have a chance of a normal intimate life with my H.

That is more like what FWW said. Our MC/IC was clear I had the right to ask questions, she had the right to refuse to answer, and I have the right to decide how thta impacts our on-going relationship. IME, the untold impacts me more than the told. The fact that she insisted on holding onto some information is an on-going strain on my relationship with her.

I also think it has become a catch-22. So much healing on my part has occurred, that to re-visit this with new information may take more energy to process than I am willing to invest. OTOH, that she was not totally open and honest is a deeper and more troubling scar than the issues she did tell me about.

Currently, life with FWW is better than it was pre-dday but less than I had hoped for post-dday. I definitely feel more like I have settled, and that is OK. Most things in our lives are choices somewhere along the continuum between unacceptable to perfect.

When old_dipstick comes back I will report on my new smoker.

I read a line in a Tim Robbins book recently that I really liked. The French say that the best part of an affair is going up the stairs. Desire is almost always more thrilling than fulfillment. I really think that is true.

To those still struggling; take care of yourselves and your children if applicable. For now stop working on the relationship with your FWS and your FWS's issues. Once you are healed and healthy, you will be ready to take inventory and determine if your FWS is someone you want and can have an on-going intimate relationship (you will always have a relationship as x's and co-parents if there are children). As the flight stewards say, attend to your oxygen needs first, before attempting to assist others.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:33 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey ats.. good to hear from ya...

"The French say that the best part of an affair is going up the stairs. Desire is almost always more thrilling than fulfillment."

YEP... All those brain chemicals are at the highest level. Adrenaline, Dopamine, Serotonin

Laura... Your OW's post. If you got the same from that as me, It says to me, I need penis. I was watching a show on addictions. A woman who had your OW thought process did not get male approval as a child. She was starving for it.. I wonder if that was what was missing in her life a child. I now pour approval all over my DD in the form of words, hugs, gifts, and touch. I do it for my W too.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:49 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wye... One more need your man must know.

A man need to assist his W when his mom is sick.

A man needs to be present when tough chioces are made in treatment to back the decisions YOU make.

A man needs research and offer all possible solutions for your peace of mind.

He be supportive in all financial aspects.

A man must touch you for warmth and affirmations.

He needs to stimulate your mind with positive thoughts and interest so that you can be placed at a better peace of mind

Just to name the ones on my mind.

I hope he steps up... And make sure he knows what YOU need..

I hope this will help you in some way..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Tryn.

Today is our oldest's birthday, so I'm planning to just compartmentalize all the bullshit and try to enjoy the day.

I feel like I've told him all those things, and that he's told me in return that all I do is judge him for what he's bad at. That I criticize him. That I make him feel bad about himself. Whatever.

Honestly.

I'm just too exhausted to keep having the same arguments with him. About how I'm asking too much, and all that.

It's draining.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- Just wanted to comment on the OWs facebook postcard.... OMG....
what is wrong with these women? obviously she is like my FWh's MOW....zero remorse, zero self analysis or introspection....no change or growth
FWH's MOW had been cheating with married co-workers for 30 yrs....
what a lifetime achievement huh?

ats- good to hear from you


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just thought I would share.

Today I decided to buy my FWH an iphone. I already have an iphone and he has a prepaid.

He is not the slightest bit tech savvy.

I do all the account keeping/bill paying etc. I have online access to our phone accounts (That's how I found out - he was using the house phone to call his OWs).

At present I have no idea what he is doing with his prepaid.

With an iphone I can monitor all his calls and texts and there's this cute little app called "find my iphone" which is a GPS tracker you can use from any computer.

I am 99% sure he is no contact but with such a long history of cheating and so many OWs I believe it pays to trust but verify

My cardiac guy has told me I have to have some surgery before Christmas (told him I was going OS and he seemed to think it was OK to wait until after the trip). He also told me to avoid stress until then so I think having this will stop me worrying.

NJ

Yep. They really are like an alien species aren't they. I just don't get the mindset!!!

Honest

Great to hear from you honey. Big HUGS

HUGs to everyone else too

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I hope the phone helps put you at ease a little.

I need some positive energy sent my way...this weekend is the 20th anniversary of the day we met. 20 years of my life.

And I want nothing to do with it.

I know that fWH (though I'm debating whether he's earned the "f" anymore) has something planned, but I just am not even sure I want to acknowledge it.

Before dday, I had visions of how this date coming up would be such a pivotal one in our relationship, how it would be special and all that...now I wish that we could just skip the day altogether.

How did those of you further out deal with anniversaries? Our wedding anniversary isn't far from now either...


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't celebrate my anniversary anymore. The wedding was a farce, so what's to celebrate?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, m, that's basically what I think. I'm a bit amazed that I haven't destroyed wedding pictures yet.

I mentioned trashing my dress, and the look on his face was abject horror. Huh....maybe he shouldn't have trashed the marriage then.

He seems hell bent on celebrating these days, and I have a feeling whatever he does will just make me angry.

Dammit.

How are you feeling, M?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anniversaries... WH made a big stinkin' deal about the two we had after DDay. Lots of gushy lovewords and big dates that were more like events. I didn't feel gushy at all but did my best to ignore the REASON for the gushy dates and just enjoy the events as if they were tied to nothing. That worked for me, mostly. I did find myself unable to make eye contact with Mr. XNell, especially during the first one.

Public Service Announcement: I found buying cards to be a hot walk through hell's jungle... I learned to focus my search on the cards that play music when you open them, specifically music cards with upbeat songs. (No Celine Dion or Journey, please! 1970s pop music was usually okay.)

I think my first card thing was Mr. XNell's birthday, and I know I looked like a raging lunatic... alternately spitting with anger and sobbing because of all the "you're so great, you're just swell, I love you 'cause you love me well" poems. I finally bought one with a photo of a pig's ass on the front.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The wedding was a farce, so what's to celebrate?

A moment for me during the first post-DDay anniversary was when Mr. XNell announced that he was so happy to be with me on this sacred day. So lemme get this straight: the anniversary of the marriage is sacred... the marriage itself, though, not so much? (I did not say.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I bought him a card at all for his birthday, and had the kids make them just to avoid that whole issue.

This time of year already sucks because June means Father's Day, and it's only been a year since I lost my dad. I forgot how to breathe last week when I needed a birthday card and walked by the Father's Day stuff.

Literally, stopped me in my tracks.

I can't even think about buying fWH a card about our anniversary.

I hate cards. Ugh.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wye... Get a blank card I wrote a poem for ya

This anniversary creed
You pee'd on my need
Spread'n your seed
Wasn't in the deed
So now I don't believe

Not really... Lol

If you want to disconnect don't get a card.

But in R, you buy the card or something.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmn. I don't think you buy a card at the expense of being genuine. I did get a Valentine's Day card for fWH this year.

WYE -- I gave my wedding dress to Goodwill.

Thanks for asking how I'm feeling. Depressed and tired. Not every day is constant depression anymore. So, the medicine is working. They said a month to 6 weeks to feel better. So 20 or 30 days to go...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's moving in the right direction, m...take care of you.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don’t remember the date we first met, so there never has been anything to celebrate. It was June or July. He had just graduated. I do remember the year though!!

Wedding anniversary? Nah. It has been dropped from the calendar. The only cards we get now are from parents. And they’re not here, so they stay unopened until after the anniversary day and then go in the bin if fWH hasn’t opened them. I cut up my wedding dress and threw out all memorabilia. Kept the official wedding album, but that’s all.

Wedding anni’s
Yr1 – had prebooked a gourmet meal, so still went ahead. No gifts though. That was a couple of weeks before I found out fWH was still texting with MOW.
Yr2 – I went away to visit a friend. I arranged it before fWH realised the date.
Yr3 – my parents diamond anniversary weekend. My Dad toasted us as the our anni was actually the Saturday big do. Big pretend. No gifts.
Yr4 – Another big pretend. My parents were staying with us as a last visit before DS1, 2 & 3 went off to New Zealand. Everything swept off the mantelpiece when they left.
Yr5 – Ignored
Yr6 – Ignored, although fWH insisted on being at home because although he knew I didn’t want to celebrate it, he wanted me to know that it meant something to him. Funny how he missed something only it was gone.

WH told MOW I had given him a date and told him to be there. Not true, of course.

I won't celebrate birthdays either. MOW's birthday is a couple of weeks before mine and WH would juggle so things were just right.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

LOve seeing you post at this time. I get lonely when the yanks are all in bed!!!

BTW: OW3 is coming to your part of the world again. You will get to enjoy her company for 7 weeks - about the same time I will get to enjoy her absence

I'm so sorry I won't get to visit you in pommy land. probably just as well since she will be there.

You could always pop over to Paris for a cup of tea while we are there.

ETA: Yes anniversaries are shit. I keep telling myself not to even think about them. You sound a little down tonight so BIG hugs from me.

HUGS also to all the SI LTAers.

Laura XXX

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:26 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, who the heck knows? Maybe I'll celebrate the anniversary this year.

I have a confesssion: a week or so before our first anniversary I had to confess to fWH that I'd forgotten the date and needed to go get the marriage license to look it up.

I'm no so hot with birthdays either...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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