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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I think of you often...I think all of us just want to be loved.

It's a shitty situation to be in and yours is so much more complicated.

I'm still dealing with anger. You'd think after 3 years it would subside; just a little? I say mean things to H, half the time I don't even know how I say the things I do. I was never like that before. Deep down I want him to feel the hurt.

((((Laura)))) and hugs to the rest of the tribe. I too miss Miracle.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where's miracle?????
Have I missed something? I miss her.

Laura

She posted something about her daughter possibly being in legal trouble and that was all she wrote. Weeks ago. I PM'ed her a while ago but never heard back.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle's last post was on March 29th. Just an FYI. I hope all is well and she's lurking or too busy for us.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I survived the anniversary and just have one last major hurdle to jump over. First antiversary in 2 weeks. Ugh.

We scheduled a vacation during that time, I chose to be gone then on purpose. I just want to be far away from here, where it all went down.

I have to thank all of you for your support through this first year. I can honestly say I feel like I've been to hell and back a few times...but it helps me tremendously to know that there is a safe place here for me to get it all out.

Love you all.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We love you, WYE. You're very strong.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LTA gang. Thank you (belated) for the Fathers day wishes. I haven't posted because it has been so crazy in dadville. We sent our Daughter (16) off to Deutschland Saturday as part of a exchange program so getting prepped for that trip was tough. FWW is going to Washington DC for a OB/GYN convention and I have to tell you I am having some anxiety over it. I'm not showing it but I'm having some anxiety.
Anyway, NoFun I have been there and our timeline is similar. I sometimes say things that are not nice too. It is a way to try and extract a pound of flesh because we perceive (sometimes truthfully) that they don't have a clue as to the pain they caused. They don't have a clue and they likely never will.That is OK because who in Gods name wants to go through this fucking hell!
Peace to the tribe and it's a great day here in New Hampshire. We keep telling ourselves you don't have to shovel sunshine

[This message edited by dadof4 at 3:33 PM, June 21st (Thursday)]


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
I don't know anymore where I should post/ Whether in the LTA or the SA thread. So I will post on both.
I am so drained right now I don't think I can get my whole story out, so I would ask if you want please read my Profile. My first Dday was in 11/09, where my whole world fell apartt. Since then after 2 yrs of MC and then another Dday in 10/11 (continuous ddays until 2/12) I have found the ugly truth about my WH. He is definitely a SA and is in treament with a SA program. We went for a couples session where I found out that one of h is many OW has been in his life since 1975. We were married in 1970!!
1975!! I still can not grasp this. My whole married life has been a lie. He states that she has been in and out sometimes for years and then would return and beg him to see her and it would start again.
She is fucked up just as much as he is. I keep asking what was it about her? He did say it was the sex and she was very needy and that was a turn on and she was very attractive. Oh, okay thanks again for the kick in the stomach. Of course, she is not the only one, there have been many women and encounters over these past years. But this, really has knocked me to my knees. I want to hurt her. I want to destroy her. I want her to lose sleep, and agonize like I have for the last 2 years. I realize, it is my WH who is responsible but for godsakes to pursue a married man for all those years, you have to be a sick individual. He did say he tried to end it with her about 6 years ago but she threatened suicide (so?) and then she was acting so crazy he was afraid she would contact me. So he kept seeing her. I guess they were both getting what they wanted from their sick relationship. Anyway, To say the least, I am not in a good place. I will go back to the therapy with wh because I do like the counselor and I will try to make some sense of this but I just don't know if I can heal from this ever.
M-BS
Him-WH
M-41yrs
Dday#1 11//09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since.
OW- countless
PA's- too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one lasted for 37 yrs.)
Escorts, etc- way too many to count
Broken, shattered heart- too many times to count.
Everything is in Limbo right now.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 412 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They don't have a clue and they likely never will.That is OK because who in Gods name wants to go through this fucking hell!

Dad...so true...it hurts me to my core and he'll never know that hurt.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

traditoperanni,
I am so sorry. I don't know anything about SA, except what I have gleaned here (my XWH being just a run of the mill entitled dick)... but I read in another thread, I think in General, not too long ago some pretty shocking things about what can be expected with full-blown SAs and even SAs in treatment. You might want to talk to an SA counselor to learn about your best case scenario?

I post in several different venues. No worries. And welcome.

Hugs, Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

traditoperrani -

There are quite a few of us here that could easily post in multiple ICR forums...I know I fit into more than half of them myself.

I generally post here though, I guess because I feel like the other people here relate the most to my situation.

I am so sorry you are hurting right now.

Thanks m....how are you doing? I know you've had a rough couple of weeks too. I hope you are taking care of you.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks worst-year -ever and Imnellnow
for the kind thoughts. I just saw another thread here for BS's in Limbo. I could post there too. Wow, I'm so emotionally drained right now. And when I read here and in General and JFO my heart aches for all who are going through this pain.
I feel like this is an epidemic.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all this but it's hard. I sincerely do not know what I am going to do. I know my SAWH is trying very hard now to
get help and deal with his issues and I am glad for him but it might be just too late for me. And if I decide to not D this M will never be the same. I will never feel the same about wh. Never.
Right now, all I can see are all these women floating around in my head.
Especially the LTA skank that has been around for the last 37 yrs. What kind of loser are you to pursue someone for that long? I know my wh is no better, but really? I have this urge to confront her but I am just too angry right now.
Maybe later. I'm trying to take the high road and give the message that she is no more important than the shit on my shoe. Mind you, she is not the only LTA but she is the longest. the other LTA skank was around for 7 years off and on. (a retired escort!)
And I did confront her when I went to the restaurant where she and wh were having an intimate dinner. I waited till their entree came and then walked in. I didn't even address her, just looked at him and told him not to come home. the look on his face was priceless. I threw a letter in her lap and walked out. The letter just stated I know everything, I know about her life and if she doesn't get out of mine I will expose her.
I hope everyone can have a peaceful weekend. Is that possible?



Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 412 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please excuse the laughing faces I meant to post a sad one- not use to doing this yet. Sorry.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 412 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you will heal, FWIW.

37 years. Jeesh. I just turned 37 at the end of April. That just blows.

Gently, just try to remember that you did't DO or CAUSE any of this, ok? It's not a reflection of you in ANY way.

Hugs.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE.. glad you survived your wedding anniversary - it can be so hard.

We scheduled a vacation during that time, I chose to be gone then on purpose. I just want to be far away from here, where it all went down

Yes, it is good to get away but it seems you never leave the A or is it that it never leaves you. Post DDay gettaways w WW.
1 mont out. Minnesota. Nice venue. Awkward time alone. We fought.
8 months out. Las Vegas. Some A history.Better but not necessarily relaxed.
10 months out - spring break, Los Cabos. Active but not necessarily engaged.
14 months out - this August, NYC. I will wait and see.

Take a book you enjoy or plan some other activity to fill your time to avoid dwelling on A or being dependent on WH for your relaxation / enjoyment.

traditoperanni.. I am sorry that you have such pain and sadness. As are a terrible affliction.
Post wherever there is support for your needs. The LTA group is wonderful and I have gained so much from them over the past year and it has been my best source for healing after my WW A. Better than IC, MC, family and friends. The LTA goup understands through unwelcome experience the range of emotions / issues involved and shares success and failures freely so that all benefit and it is focused on imporving one's life; not a pity party. I post on other forums for specific questions and scan the topics for relevant ones to my situation. Though with limited time, this is my first and only choice.

I I waited till their entree came and then walked in. I didn't even address her, just looked at him and told him not to come home. the look on his face was priceless.

Awesome. I applaud you setting boundaries with WH.

Wishing all a great weekend.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I hope you are doing well. You are an amazing woman!
I saw Miracle a few weeks ago and she is so busy with her new job!! I am so proud of her. I do worry, like you that she is not posting that often.

Nofun: thank you for your thoughts. You are such beautiful lady inside and out. Your WH is an idiot not to appreciate you. I hope all is going well with your children.

Hello to all the newbies. I have been lurking a lot lately and have wanted to post, but just couldn't. Just want to let all of you know that although I haven't been able to reply or post, you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

Nell: Thank you so much. I often think of you and how you were so strong and brave to move forward like you have. I'm not just saying this, but I REALLY do think of you in particular when I'm trying to get my act together and do what you were able to do. I know that's what I want to do.

You know, I've been there before. I was divorced form xWH #1 and it took a while to get over it. A long time. I know what is ahead of me, and I wasn't ready for it. I was also in denial.
I admire so many of you who have the self esteem enough to actually be angry! To know your self worth.

NEVER FORGET THAT.

Never forget the motto of this site:
We can own 50% of the marital problems, but it was 100% the decision of the WS to deal with those problems by having an affair.
I told my WH that if he spent just one quarter (or even less) of the effort to hide the A on our marriage, we would have had the best marriage in the world!!!

Anyway, I'm thinking that I'm starting to get to a breakthrough.

When one is confronted with a trauma, we sometimes have to repeat over and over again the trauma to others until we can start to accept it. Like with 9/11, we had to watch those towers fall over and over again until we could start to accept this horrific incident actually happened.

With a lot of us, it was not only the discovery of a LTA, but then there was TT and new discoveries that we had to integrate into our lives. Too much to deal with.

A lot of us started to integrate the knowledge and then to try to R was a whole other story.

For me, it's been a long, long journey and I'm still travelling along. I've been stuck for a looooong time. Too much to integrate and with a lot of FOO issues and ongoing mother issues ( I really HEAR and UNDERSTAND WYE!!!!! My heart goes out to you) FOO issues that I thought I dealt with, but really didn't came to surface. WOW too much shit!!!

I can't thank the people on LTA enough for being there and helping me.

If it wasn't for you guys and my crazy neighbor ( lol, some of you know I've talked about her enough...the "black widow"....divorced, widowed twice, and then 2 boyfriends die and her mother was bipolar.. geez)...if it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't be here today writing this post. SERIOUSLY.

I had a lot of "suicidal ideation" over these past few years. Still struggle with it at times.

But thanks to all of you, I'm still here. Good for my sons....

I am sooo grateful when I read that so many of you were worried about me.

Thank you all. I love you guys!!

(((((Tribe )))))))


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, thank you for posting - and also for letting us know Miracle is well.

So, got hold of the phone again - he's def. sexting/flirting with this woman often at the very least. And it looks like stuff has been deleted - for example there is a random stray comment from her "nice biceps!". He's away on business and texting this chick - heck tonight he texted her "foxy cougar!" while I'm sitting right across the cabin settling Sunshine and Paddy in for bed.

Anyhow, enough drama from M3 land...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh M3, I don't even know what to say. Take care of YOU and your beautiful kiddos. Some of our spouses just don't get it and never will. I'm angry for you and it doesn't take much for me to feel anger anymore.

Honest - You are a wonderful person with more that just this A to worry about. You will move on in your own time. I'm glad Miracle is doing well, thanks for the update.

Nell - you are my inspiration.

I too post mostly in the LTA forum because I feel everyone knows what the other is going through. I feel I belong here, although I probably belong in BS's in Limbo. I think I may always be in Limbo. One foot in the door and one foot out the door. I feel like there is something else lurking that I don't know about and at any given moment something will come crashing down on my world worse than what I already know.

My M will never be the same, I will never feel the same towards my H. The connection is gone. I just don't care about him like I used to. He has come down from the pedestal and the respect I had for him is gone. I don't trust him to do the right thing anymore. So...I put my ducks in a row and I am able to take care of myself. I wouldn't ask him for anything, ever again. It's quite sad.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M - I am SO fuming at your husband right now. I can't believe him.

Honest - (((Hugs))) I had to laugh a few weeks ago when someone who sort-of knew snippets of things accused me of being melodramatic....until I gave her the full run down on BPD mom and fWH. Then, she was all like OMG how are you functioning?!?!?!

It's a lot, but I don't have to tell you that. Just know that there's someone out there who understands...thinking of you.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then, she was all like OMG how are you functioning?!?!?!

Indeed! I don't how any of us are functioning!! Hang in there WYE. Don't feel guilty about wanting your mother to leave or being angry and upset with her. It's understandable.

Nofun: Keep getting those ducks in a row. Hopefully there will come a day when you will make a decision and not be in Limbo Land. Take your time. He doesn't deserve you.

M3: I am SOOOOOO angry at your WH!!!! Just take care of yourself and the kids. Start planning and putting your ducks in a row so you'll be able to make a decision down the line. We always hope they will change, but we cannnot change them. They have to do it for themselves.
You are a beautiful young lady with gorgeous kids. He does not appreciate what he has. Idiot!!!

I've been working on letting go of fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of letting go. I guess it's all about the illusion of control, which none of really has, just control of ourselves to some degree.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if he spent just one quarter (or even less) of the effort to hide the A on our marriage, we would have had the best marriage in the world!!!

honest... so true. If my WW would have given me one half of the attention she gave her AP, we would have had the greatest M. Toobad, WW still does not see that truism.

drama from M3 land

m3.. I am so sorry and do not know what to say. I just do not understand anyone, including my WW, that cannot be honest, straightforward, and trusted.

WW and I saw MC on Friday. I was relaxed, not agry, as I am moving forward and taking care of myself. My WW was aprehensive. MC quickly saw that I was making a huge effort for the M and WW was flat and befuddled. WW described our relationship very accurrately over the past few weeks and said it made her scared that I was so happy. Well, I am working on it!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
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