Take care tribe
It's the how I am struggling that I am not sure what to do with.
For the entire time since this all went down, I never had trouble with mind movies, which was strange considering I caught fWH making out with OW2 in my kitchen. Still, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't struggle with that.
They've hit, full force. OW1, OW2, full blown over-active imagination kicking in here.
I am just completely sickened, and he can't understand why I am so upset about this stuff now.
I swear to god if I hear "let's just move forward" one more time I am going to pummel him.
Soooo....how do you all cope with mind movies? This is going to drive me insane.
[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 4:24 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]
Mind-movies. I have a decent trick that someone else on SI... I think Edie?... shared with me. Wear a stretchy band around your wrist and every time one of those mind movies hit, you snap your band and think NO and direct your thoughts to something else. It helps to practice visualizing your "happy place" before the movies hit so you can get there when you're in distress.
As for your WH, tell him that you don't expect him to understand it, nor does he need to UNDERSTAND it; he just needs to help you through it. Of course, you have to be able to tell him what you need and he needs to be able to do it... but baby steps.
Fortunately, he is gone with our oldest at scout camp this week. I think my soul needs the break.
Another couple of tricks people gave me on here.
Instead of imagining him with her imagine you with him laughing, smiling or having sex while she is in the fetal position, cringing, crying and hiding her face in the corner of the room.
When it really gets to me I like to think of FWH's OWs alone, rejected and lonely in their cold beds at night hopefully for the rest of their lives.
Or think about the myriad times while they were seeing FWH and were teary and upset and felt rejected because he "couldn't be with them" for whatever reason associated with his real family.
Hope some of these help.
Re: Miracle - she's fine. I dont want to speak on her behalf, but I think she, like I, find it hard to come back here, even as much as you are all in our thoughts - I know for me, at least, that reading a lot of the posts here would affect me too deeply, stuff Ive had some success in bottling up and putting away and I'm afraid to look at it again.
Anyway. M3 please check in - I think you are being too quiet under the circumstances.
I think there are a lot of lessons to take away from this that are somewhat universally applicable:
(1) If you're having trouble re-investing in the marriage for "some reason" you can't quite put your finger on, it might be a gut-level recognition of something subtle in your spouse's behavior that is indicative of a high likelihood of future A behavior - and not some deficiency of forgiveness from you.
(2) Forgiveness is for YOU and it's independent of reconciliation.
Back to this: There are a lot of things you can do that make it easier to forgive. First, I think working on releasing co-dependent behaviors and attitudes and detaching both make it easier to forgive. Second, very few affairs are revenge-based. I think that recognizing that your spouse behaves this way independent of your existence is helpful as well. For two reasons: (1) their intent is not to hurt you -- in fact, they usually think that you'll never find out and "what you don't know can't hurt you..." insert rest of that cliche train here... (2) They would have done this regardless of whom they were married to. There's no magic thing you did wrong to cause this to happen or could have done right to prevent it. It is what it is. (3) I think once you recognize that it's about them and their issues/deficiencies/selfishness and not about you it IS easier to forgive. Because forgiveness isn't saying "what you did is OK" it's ultimately just releasing the event in it's entirety. No further need for restitution or retribution. Simply no longer allowing the event to have power in your life. It doesn't mean you have to stay married, or even ever speak with your former spouse if you divorce, it's about you.
(3) It's important for your own healing to both detach and forgive whether you are trying to reconcile or not. However, you can detach and still maintain and even improve the relationship. There is a lot of good info that speaks to this in reading buddhist stuff on mindfullness, loving-kindness, etc. (I blame ATS! Ha!) but it's really useful. Living in the moment and not being attached to any particular outcome of the situation can really improve your quality of life.
(4) You don't have to be in love with your spouse to try to save the marriage. You also don't have to stay married even if you're still in love with your spouse. Feelings are just feelings, and they don't always have a huge amount of significance as far as making a good decision goes.
So, there you go. I'm fine. Getting divorced with 4 kids and one on the way is going to be a pain in the ass, but I'll live. I love my husband and I'll miss him, but, once again, I'll live. My guess is that he'll help me out by turning on a whole bunch of nasty NPD behavior and I eventually won't even like him anymore, but you never know. Fortunately, whereas where I used to live (in Virginia) you CANNOT get a divorce while pregnant, in my new state you can, so there's one bonus.
I honestly haven't shed a single tear. Which is sad in it's own way. The kids will have a tough time, but I'll do my best to support them... etc. I'm sure I'll cry about their hurt at some point.
So, I'm ok. The bottom line is that his behavior in chasing (and sometimes catching) other women makes the relationship too bad for me to stay in, no matter what other positives it may have.
It was nice to read though and see posts form so many; allgood, nofun, Nell, honest, deep and Laura. Also glad to read that iwam is doing well and moving on.
m334455, I am sorry that you have arrived where you have, but we often talk about the need to heal one-self, and then see if our F(?)WS is on the path with us or not. Clearly Mr. 334455 is on a different path and not willing to break new trails. I thought your post on forgiveness is spot on.
As for me, tryn bought me a nice lunch while I was out of town and near his town, thanks tryn. It was really nice meeting a SI member and talking in person.
My marriage life is what it has been the last year or so; much better than it was, but less than I hoped for. Rather than focus on my M, I am re-booting my professional life. I have accepted a job that will take me back to my core technical skills and stretch me professionally. Funding for the position is identified for 3 years, by then I will need to have proven my worth to be retained once the projects are over. If it works out there are opportunities for advancement and eventually some additional money. This week is screening, pre-employment stuff. I will start the middle of July. There will be plenty to focus on for the next year or so while I get this new position rolling, so hopefully I will have less time ruminating on how FWW is or is not treating me.
Everyone else, I hate to hear all of the issues but I am always thankful for SI being here for each and every one of us. I wish each of you peace (((tribe)))
In happier news from M3 land -- I find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl on Wednesday morning...
Who knows, jollum? I'm not the greatest thing since sliced bread. I get grumpy for no reason, etc. Perhaps being married to me is truly horrible and all that. What do I know?
Grumpy?....possibly, you're pregnant with a cheating husband...let's change that to probably and more than allowed.
Being married to you truly horrible?....then why did he stick around? If it was bad he would have left. He is a cake eater.
You deserving any of this???...Don't even joke about that! You know darn good and well nothing you've done deserves the treatment he is giving you.
Keep posting and thinking happy thoughts about baby soon-to-be. Start detaching from WS.
Ats: Glad you got to meet Tryn. That's awesome!
Ats: It's so good to hear that you and Tryn were able to g2g! Congratulations on the new job! Perhaps this is just the thing for you right now. Concentrate on healing YOU.
NPD is supposed to come Friday after being gone for 2.5 months. I can't do this roller coaster any longer.
The book, "Codependent No More" is really helping me and I think it's a must read for any BS. I think a lot of us go into that zone when we are trying to deal with the aftermath of the A and trying to R.
Nell: give us an update about you and the boyos.
Itís been a pretty frantic several months! I divorced Daffy at the end of March, but co-habitated through the end of May while I found and bought a new home.
I moved out of The Marital Home and into my townhouse the first week of June. Itís a great house. Very good layout for me and the Boyos. My former neighbors and several friends have all volunteered to help me paint once Iíve prepped the walls, which I am doing little by little as I have time. Last weekend I took down all the (weirdly placed) molding and more wallpaper removal is next. The very first thing I did, before I even finished packing, was to spend a whole lot of money on a beautiful silk painting, which now hangs over my fireplace. Itís mine mine mineÖ just my style and I love it! Even the Boyos like it.
The Boyos seem to be adjusting well to the changes, although they seem a little more sensitive (just in general). Iím paying attention but not coddling. Soon after I moved out, Boyo1 asked me if I was going to move back in and forget all ďthis divorce silliness.Ē Boyo2 has asked what Iím going to wear when I marry dad again. I gently/firmly/nonchalantly tell them that this is how itís gonna be forever. Then we move on with our day. So far, no drama. There are weird things said every once in a while and I deal with them immediately without making a huge deal about them.
Daffy waited for a week after I asked for a divorce before he uploaded all the contact info he had squirrelled away for The COW and was dating/sleeping with her almost immediately (well before we were divorced and while he was boohoohoo-ing about losing me). I don't care what he does, but I have let him know in no uncertain terms that if he introduces our children to his whore, there WILL be problems. And if he doesn't, I will not say a word. In fact, he and The COW (and her kid) are spending Daffy's birthday and the fourth of July (his day with the Boyos, I'm covering for him) with her fucktarded family in another state. Her mother is financing the trip. I hope it speeds up the inevitable crash and burn of their ... I don't know what to call it ... "relationship" seems a bit generous. Mutual delusion?
I didn't have a Plan B sitting around for two years waiting for me, so about five minutes after the divorce was final, I joined an online dating site. Got a lot of attention, messaged with a bunch of people, met with five men. Ended up with one stalker, two zero-chemistries, one sorry-I-can't-make-a-two-hour-drive-for-lunch-dates and had a fling with someone who poofed on me after several weeks of (what appeared to me to be) escalating feelings/beginning relationship stuff. That one threw me for a bit of a loop. (But just a bit of one!) Took my profile down. That entire episode lasted six weeks. It was good practice but frantic and utterly ridiculous and took up way too much energy that I want to put elsewhere.
I joined a few meetup.com groups and those are great. I've been active in a book club that meets once a month and I went on my first hike with a hiking group this weekend. I reconnected with an old friend who got me back into golf after 10 years of not picking up my clubs and doing other stuff together, too. I think sheís thrilled to have another divorced mom to do stuff with, honestly. I have my watercolor stuff ready to go but havenít had time yet to do that.
I am planning a road trip this summer to bring the boyos up to my hometown to meet their new niece (who has not been in the hospital in the last two weeks, YAY!) and reconnect with family, etc. I didnít see anyone when I was there in April because it was all about supporting my sister and her family.
I am going to spend a long weekend in Nicaragua at an eco-lodge in September. I just bought the plane tickets last night. An old friend who lives there will be my traveling companion/tour guide.
My job also decided to change when everything else was upside down and sideways; I report to a new boss who does things radically different than the old one. There is a bit of a learning curve but Iím excited about what this means for my career. (Most days, anyway. Hee hee.)
UmÖ and I bought some strappy turquoise sandals with a kitten heel. I think thatís it.
Though I do like watercolors -- in college my watercolor art professor was trying to "save me" from my Chem major...
Honest: this is not the decision I WANTED to make; but it is what I saw coming. My husband never shed a single tear over this. He's just remorseless. He used my grief and confusion to bully me into buying a yacht we can't afford... I'll stop. The point is: when you see no remorse and a lot of rugsweeping, odds are that the behavior will continue.
He bought a new car in December because he was going to need one for commuting. A red, fast car with 5 seats (for his 6 person family) and... wait for it... he's been bitching on a regular basis for the last 2 months that I "won't let him" buy a Lotus.
Just add it to the list, folks.
I can't wait to see where he plans to put the baby when it's his turn to have the kids. Maybe he can strap the car seat to the roof a la Mitt Romney.
No, I wanted him to extract his head out of his ass.
Anyway, too bad for him that he forgot to get me to buy the house he wants before he got caught philandering again.