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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3, by my count, you're about three times cooler than I am.

But I've got those shoes so I'm catching up.

Allgood! Hiya! Missed you!

honest, I am so proud of you! Can you get away while NPD is in the country? I hate that he comes and goes in your life; every single time he re-enters he causes chaos that you do not need.

WYE, how are the mind movies?

jollum and dp, I always like to see you guys posting here.

messedup, I hope getting everything down was cathartic. Sounds like you don't know which way is up yet, and that's normal. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus on YOU. Have you read the 180?

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:49 AM, June 26th (Tuesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell -ha!

Yeah, cool shoes are out for me for now ... summer heat, pregnant belly... nope.

Sunshine is sick today, but he's rallying. The Pharaoh and I just took him out to play on the swings for a while. Major mood improvement. The weather is gorgeous here today; what a blessing!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you all cope with mind movies

WYE.. I had forgotten about mind movies until I saw your post. I have not had any mind movies in months (at least 8).

Immediately after DDay, I mentally pushed away the images which was a constant effort. One month later I started EMDR treatments at least once a week and sometimes twice weekly. It took over two months of treatment before it was complete.

Closest analogy for EDMR is trying to quit smoking by smoking non stop until you cannot smoke anymore. The sessions started with visulization of a distressing image of the A. And then I was to relax and let whatever images flowed into my mind, even the fond memories were distressing, for 2-3 minutes while the treatment was performed. Assess and repeat. A very sorrow filled process. At a breakthrough poing, I bawled incessantly for over an hour. I have had many tragic events in my life and I had not cried since I was five.

And my WW attended most of my sessions, sitting to the side, with no interruptions. I did not notice her at all. The benefit was that she saw the pain her choices had caused.

my experience.. I am so sorry that you are having mind movies now. They freeze your senses and take great effort to overcome. Wishing you the best.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I wanted to add, that I'm pretty sure this chick has cancer or something. I checked her facebook to see what he was posting on there (hence the "nailed it" shark photo) and she's got all these posts about pain, god quotes, healing quotes, asking where she can get prescription for medical marijuana... no pictures of her any more recent than like 1996... she's not working.

Anyway, it's weird.

Also, she's been texting and posting stuff to WH's wall about the baby. Pictures of stuff she sees in stores or whatever. Glad she's excited about the baby.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M334455, Deep suggested taking batting practice with (using) MrM. Well as a lifelong ice hockey player (Aesir and I are Kindred spirits) I would prefer a goalie warm-up. MRM is the goalie without the pads and we take slap-shots at his head. My slapshot has been clocked in the mid/high 80 mph.
That said however, since his head is lodged in his ass we may loose a few pucks


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
messedup96
♀ Member
Member # 35936
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard my husbands mistress has cancer too.


BS me 36
Dirtbag 36
1st A DD July 20th 1996 OW also married
2nd A DD Oct 19th 2002
3rd A DD July 17th 2012
2nd and 3rd With same psycho serial married men cheater gutter fish troll
Married 16 thisnov
Together 17 this dec
Friends 24next marc

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: IL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you know, messedup -- it would be one thing if this was the original chick from the LTA -- but she's been off the (well at least MY) radar screen since about 6 months after Dday -- it might even make sense if it was the other chick he was texting from high school right around Dday -- but she's been off my radar screen since he unfriended her on FB about 10 months after Dday (and another friend he went to HS went mentioned that chick is now a newlywed) ANYWAY, this is some totally OTHER person he went to high school with who I've never heard one peep about.

Oh, except for when he first started talking to her again. This one REALLY needs a drumroll....

She's an Occupational Therapist (no, actually douchebag, she's not, she's an OT assistant) so maybe she can help Baby Paddy out with some free OT.

I would ALMOST be amazed except I've seen so many similarly delusional SI stories over the past few years...

Ah, well. At least she's a lot less likely to be a psychopath than LTA OW was; she's some 45 year old childless sick and/or dying chick. Still uncool, but misguided ego boosts are better than outright psychopathy.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: Hi!

M3: I cannot believe this sh*t really. I would go bat shit crazy if OW was even thinking about my unborn child. OMFG.

Anyway - didn't see it in your posts & tho I'm sure it's nothing shocking - I was nonetheless curious what happened when you confronted your H about this latest antic?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I first saw the FB stuff back in May -- then she texted him at the beach when we went there Memorial Day weekend and he said we should meet up with her and her BF and I said, "Nope. Now this chick is texting you? I don't like it." and his response was "You've got nothing to worry about from her."

That's about it. I've been watching. We didn't meet up with them, but he blew me off and started guarding his phone and she's putting stuff on FB every day...

Look, if your spouse is going to blow you off about this 2 1/2 years into R you're screwed.

Yes, the baby thing makes me a bit ill. But I'll live. I'm sad though. Really, really sad.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M- I just want to give you a hug honey. To know that some OW is window shopping for your baby.....I truly have no words.

I'm hanging in there I guess...trying to stay super busy so tgere isn't much idle time for my mind to wander.

Fwh is gone camp and I hate that I miss him. I don't sleep well when he is gone, never have. This is the first time he's been gone in years that he isn't with ow.

Sigh.

I wish they could see the destruction they cause, and perhaps realize that nothing is worth this.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M - Big hug. The pregnancy keeps you otherwise pre-occupied allowing fucktard more freedom to conduct his new A.
Wants to buy a LOTUS - WTF. H&C forget the puck use the whole freaking hockey stick! That'll make his eyes water. The OW baby clothes shopping oh YUK!

Nell - WOW so much in such a short period of time. You sound so grounded & up for all the challenges before you. Your boyos will thank you in the long run - he's shown his true colors. However I'm not so sure about the shoes

Honest - Proud of you too. Stay strong.

Ats - congrats on the job - well done.

Tribe - take care one & all


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I know you never wanted to make this decision, what I meant was that you wanted to make a decision once and for all that was for sure, if you KWIM? I'll line up with the hockey sticks or even a baseball bat or a lacrosse stick (DS 13 got a black eye last week from getting hit with a lacrosse ball just before his graduation. All is well, just colorful for his pics!)

Nell: WOW!! You've been super busy and doing great. A new house too, good for you! It will be hard with the boyos for a while. It's normal for kids to wish that their parents get back together. My parents were divorced and I know I felt the same way. Although I was very angry at my father, I also loved him too. Kind of a love/hate thing.

WYE: take advantage of the time you have alone and do some nice things for yourself. Have a facial or a massage. Something only for you. You deserve it.

Good to hear from you Deep.

Lol, I'm reading that you guys are proud of me and I'm saying to myself "why?". I've been through a few bad months, pretty damn bad, but maybe because I seem to have found a compass steering me? My major problem as always is just when I might be getting back on track, NPD comes back again.

That is something I have to work on....Pray for me.

Hi to all the "newbies"

{{{{{Tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, I hope things are going well.

M3... You are smart, beautiful, hard work and I hope you are heading toward the happiness you deserve. You had a great post on page 19. I would add… choose wisely-treat kindly.

Ats… Happy you got the new job and of course good things happen to good people.

Honest… I like what you’ve posted. You sound like you are headed to a good place. Courage and a plan is all it takes.

Nell… sounds like you are having some fun and excitement! Of course you needed the online thing… it’s good for you.

H&C.. I like where you are going.

Wye.. hang tough and seek your own happiness! Heck, I play a whole lot of golf these days. My DD has been going fishing with me a lot. My son just likes dark beers. LOL..

Welcome to the newbies… Spit it out.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to the Tribe! I’ve been away for a few days. It’s been a bit manic in the UKg house with comings and goings. fWH is engaged in his hobby of chatting to headhunters and going off to an interview – in Sweden. But I’d rather he was doing that to bolster his ego than shag some empty headed, doey eyed, love sick ex-gf. I’ve been with a friend for a few days down at the coast, which was good. Met fWH on the road as I drove home. Got to get DS17 sorted for his Germany trip – eek! So not ready! And then sort myself for Italy. I’ve already decided fWH can sort his own suitcase/bag. We do that for the UK, so we can do it for abroad. Even though he’s not home until late Friday. 30C degrees. Yes!

Okay – catching up…….

Messedup – welcome to the LTA corner. I don’t quite get what you have written, but I hope it made you feel better just getting it out there!
********

WYE, you are coming up for your second year. This is the year when you need to take good care of yourself mentally. Reconciliation seemed to bite back in the second year and I got very low. I wondered just whether or not it was worth the effort – or if anything was worth the effort. fWH didn’t understand how bad it was and I only saw it with hindsight. Listen to your inner self and act upon it if you feel yourself sliding. So why now? Because that’s just how it is. But if you realise it might happen to you too, then you can see and act.

As to the mind movies, yes I remember about the wrist band too. And picturing the OW in a corner of the room. I would think of MOW all miserable because WH couldn’t/wouldn’t be with her. And her outside our house while we were in bed unaware she WAS out side! But mostly I bring myself out of it by knowing I am a better person that she will EVER be. Ever. And that I can still wreck her life by facebooking her daughters and everyone else on her friends list. And tell her work colleagues. And she knows I know. I want that slight fear of what I might do – and her older daughter is getting married in September – keep her looking over her shoulder. And then I think of something else, having put the bitch where she belongs! I don’t think about the others, or have mind movies. Just her – the LTA. I’ve learned to move very quickly through them and mostly can’t be bothered anymore. Although they can still be very intense for a few moments. But it’s only moments and then I’m…. oh bugger this, I have better things to think about. And she’s gone.
********

m33, I’m so sorry honey. He is such a dickhead. Gonna be another case of he won’t know what he has/had until it has gone. I don’t understand the behaviour, I truly don’t. Now you have to just think of you. Stupid, juvenile, self centred and egotistical idiot.

I honestly haven't shed a single tear. Which is sad in it's own way. The kids will have a tough time, but I'll do my best to support them... etc. I'm sure I'll cry about their hurt at some point.
There comes a point when you have shed all the tears you are going to cry. He didn’t change, he didn’t stand up to the plate. And that is deeply disappointing. I think that’s where the sadness lies. You tried, it didn’t work and you have chosen to save yourself any further disappointment and pain by walking away. You did your best.

Perhaps being married to me is truly horrible and all that.
or perhaps you being married to him is what makes you grumpy…..hmm?

This one REALLY needs a drumroll.... She's an Occupational Therapist
Hmm. I’m guessing he says “she’s a nice person” That WS speak for she’s not a whore if I’m chasing/sexting/shagging her. And she thinks she’s okay because she’s interested in your baby. WTF?? As for the marijuana/cannabis, isn’t that for MS? Is Mr m33 gonna get her some…..?? I dunno, he is so far removed from reality, it beggars belief.
********

Good on the job ats! A different focus and concentration on something new may well help your healing.
********

honest,

NPD is supposed to come Friday after being gone for 2.5 months.
Ugh. Back on the 180 wheel, hon. You managed last time, and you’ll do it better this time. Make sure you do things to make yourself feel good and strong. Hair, make up, good clothes, high heeled shoes. Have your programme and routine and don’t let NPD upset it.
********

Nell – you are officially the new Hero, strapping on your kitten heeled, strappy turquoise sandals and clipping off into the sunset. He wasn’t going to make it, he was always one foot in the other camp and one day – that was it. Mutual delusion – nice turn of phrase and extremely apt. Again, all the crying was done a long, long time ago.
*****

Life goes on…… I need to find a new hobby. Mebbe after the holiday.
hugs

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:59 AM, June 27th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-
You sound good....focus on all that is good in your life. Your upcoming trip to Italy. How wonderful.

Nell- You also sound strong...I'm glad. Hoping that you and your boyos continue to do well.

WYE- The mind movies are like everything else having to do with infidelity....
it just takes time...
and ..a very remorseful FWS.

If your husband continues to do the right thing and comfort you and make amends... and be totally transparent about all of his activities so that you can build back trust this too shall pass..

That is the only way that a betrayed spouse can reconcile and heal.

If the WS is not 100% committed to saving the marriage or if the WS continues to 'dabble' in new affairs or continue to see the affair partner etc. etc. keep secrets, continue behaving in the way that he did during the LTA...well...then there is no reconciliation is there?

so hang in there...

I know I keep saying this...

but even with a very remorseful FWH it took me 4 and 1/2 yrs to feel better....

I cried over the LTA every single day for about 1 and 1/2 yrs! I was a mess....

I couldn't have sex with my husband without thinking about all of his shenanigans with the MOW! For years and years....it took me that long.

I actually had to drive somewhere yesterday and was amazed at the number of triggers that this trip caused ( I was driving alone) and every sign, billboard etc. seemed to be a trigger about something affair related.
The difference for me now is that the triggers do not last long, and do not cause me to fall down the rabbit hole.
My 'new' husband is such an incredible husband that he makes it really hard for me to hold a grudge and focus on his past indiscretions.

But.. like I said... this journey was not an easy one for me.
I spent over 4 yrs in therapy, also went to see a psychiatrist where I discussed this mess and got meds to help with the depression and anxiety.... you name it, I did it.
But I got 'through it' not necessarily 'over it'.

Honest-
We're proud of you for being you.
For remaining the kind loving caring person you are despite the disappointments and heartache that you have suffered.

Please do not allow NPD back into your life.
Do the 180 big time! If only in your head!
Re-direct your thoughts.
Think of him as your ex.
Keep your contact with him limited to business and to the children.
Stay busy and as far away from him as possible while he is here.

M33-
My heart breaks for you.

There is something seriously wrong with your WH.

You've written about that before... that he is a narcissist....
now... to me he sounds like a sociopath.

Knowing what you have been through dealing with his LTA... knowing that you are expecting another child... and dealing with the day to day stress of being a mom to so many little ones, moving to a new home etc etc.

and this is what he is doing?

instead of being a rock for you?
instead of being there for you and the kids?

he's sexting?
again? really?

Please take care of yourself.
Do you see a IC? If not... maybe that would help? to have someone on your side? to talk to?
Do you have any family or friends that you could talk to and lean on right now?

Sending you a long distance hug!

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:38 AM, June 28th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl - you sound great, and the trip to Italy?!?! Sounds fabulous. Good to hear from you.

NJgal - thank you. He really has been good about it most of the time. This week is the first time he's been gone for more than a day or two that he wasn't otherwise occupied with OW. I think he may actually be starting to miss me and realize what he has. Which would be nice.

I am pretty awesome.

Honest - you are so strong. You've been through this before, you can do it again. Keep your chin up and don't let him get to you.

Nell - I have to admit to being more than a little jealous of the shoes! :)

As for me, the mind movies aren't so bad the last few days. Doing anything I can think of to make them stop, and it seems to be working. What UKgirl said is so true though, she honestly has nothing on me. Never did, and I know that. (doesn't make it easier to wrap my head around why he did it, but whatever)

Glad to know I'm not the only one with a back pocket full of ways to mess with OW if she ever rears her ugly head again. I have the phone numbers and addresses of every member of her family, none of whom knew about her "fiancee" (aka MY husband) because she knew how f-ed up their relationship was. I also have the contact info for her new boyfriend, and if she even thinks about trying anything, I'll start making phone calls.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

baby is a boy! that makes 4 boys and Paddy


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow M3....so awesome....Paddy is going to be well protected by all her brothers!

Hugs to you!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats M!!!!


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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