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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations! When is the baby due?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
Yay for The Boyz!!! Have you thought of a nickname yet? So excited to welcome another little guy to the extended tribe!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'll call him Pedro for now. Baby is due the day before Thanksgiving.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - Congrats. Take care.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe,

I posted a thread in General and I would greatly appreciate you all taking a look at it and giving me your thoughts.

Thanks jollum

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=462077


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, jollum... I've no words of wisdom <pause for collective gasp of surprise> but I wanted to give you a big cyberhug.

(((((jollum)))))

There's just no GOOD answer here.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There comes a time when the last tear falls. It happens when you look at yourself in the mirror with red eyes after the worst has happened and you see that you are still standing.
Your lungs still breathe.
Your heart still beats.
You arenít a broken-to-pieces person. You can handle the present and you can look forward to a future.
You are a survivor- a thriver! Now give yourself a hug.

~Janet via FB Get Stronger Girlfriend but IMHO... this applies to all of the LTA tribe

Happy Canada Day!
Happy 4th of July!
Have a good wkend wherever you are!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - for the last month or so WW has been cleaning the house big & packing things away. Packing her old life away. I've noticed the special things I've given her & other things that were important to her slowly disappear from the house ; to be wrapped & carefully boxed away. The kids havent noticed these subtle changes. I believe she is preparing to leave - not straightaway but 6 - 12 months time. Her attitude towards me is if I was the one who cheated. We both keep NC with each other but when she does talk - its lemons & pinapples up her arse. I've seen a lawyer who feels @ this point to hang in as long as possible. No fault state, back log in family court 2 years if mediation doesnt work $20-50k in costs if we go to court. Basically 40(me) / 60(ww). Even in this depressed housing market i wouldnt be able to buy a proprty straightaway - after almost 20 years together i walk away with bugger all & she gets the kids & weekly child support + benefits while i work till i die.
& i probably get the kids every w/e so she can go out screwing around. I feel sorry for my kids thay dont deserve this fucked up scenario.I draw inspiration from the tribe & move with my life; slowly the ducks are lining up.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
messedup96
♀ Member
Member # 35936
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations


BS me 36
Dirtbag 36
1st A DD July 20th 1996 OW also married
2nd A DD Oct 19th 2002
3rd A DD July 17th 2012
2nd and 3rd With same psycho serial married men cheater gutter fish troll
Married 16 thisnov
Together 17 this dec
Friends 24next marc

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: IL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DP)))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((DP))))) This is dragging out and dragging out. As you say, packing her old life away. Have you asked her exactly what she is doing and what her plans are? Is there no chance the girls would stay with you?? Sheesh, Iím so sorry. Keep those ducks in focus.

m33, fun that Pedro might have Thanksgiving as his birthday party!

Meanwhile, I am trying to get DS17 to pack for his trip to Germany. Tomorrow. Heís gone out. Then I want to sort MY stuff for Eee-tal-ee. Only a week, but Iím looking forward to it. Although DS24 + gf might come up to use our house for carnival weekendÖÖ

Iím very apprehensive about this holiday. I feel I have disconnected and detached from my marriage and I donít know what to do about it. Mr UKg never talks about us and our relationship. I dunno. Still, I might be able to just park it up for the week and just enjoy the holiday. And heís good company.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep-
You have the patience of a saint. Don't think I could have continued living with a WS that showed no remorse and basically just checked out. Then again... that describes my FWH during the LTA years...so I guess I did just that.
Only now,you know about the LTA and still have to deal with her crappy attitude.
Is there a reason why you don't want to begin divorce mediation with her? I don't understand your lawyers thinking.If it takes 2 yrs then if you start now it will be done in 2 yrs. If you wait another year then it will be 3 yrs until the divorce is final. Why not start now?
and yes... it does stink that you will have to pay child support-but, maybe you could have shared custody 50/50 and then you wouldn't have to pay and.... from what you describe your girls have a really good relationship with you.
Maybe they will choose to spend more and more time with you as opposed to WW.As long as the child custody agreement is open to what the children want.

Ukgirl-
Hope you have a wonderful time in Italy.
I know in England they might say-hope you have a brilliant time.I like that choice of word even better.

lostsoul- glad you checked in. and glad to hear that you sound strong. Yes...we can survive this mess.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DEEP.. listen to UKgirl and Njgal and let it soak in.
and give some thought to this:

We both keep NC with each o

Control what you can and end the NC with your WW. Be pleasant and if she gives lemons and pineapples just listen - do not argue.

With NC, you are probably heading for an acrimonious divorce. Bad for you, bad for your kids. Your kids will remember you as pleasant and respectful. Your WW may grow to appreciate your relationship with them and work out solutions to keep it intact. And it will be much easier post D is you have decent communication with her.

Once I gave up the expectation that my WW needed to change and make amends for her choices then I became more relaxed and able to focus on what was important to me. My children, my happiness and I began to plan on how to do that without being M to my WW. This opened up a more frank level of discussion between WW and I as we work together on what is best fro her, me and us. D or R.

My oldest leaves for college this fall and my youngest is entering HS so our kids are not as much of a factor as in your case.

I too got treated as if it was I who had the A. IMO, my WW was unable to face the horric choice she made and villified me as a defense mechanism.

I am so sorry and wish you the best.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ - I should add the court process starts only if mediation cant be agreed.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C
Yes communication is the key. Ive treated her with dignity & respect over the past 3 years. (only raised my voice once to her) otherwise have treated her how i would like to be treated.
Its difficult when your talking to a brickwall - the best response i get is grunt otherwise she comminates to me via the kids.I'm prepared to suck it up for the kids but her attitude aint helping the situation.
Only 1 adult in fucking house & it aint her!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP,

You've thought it out and really know what needs to happen. I wish you peace and strength during the rough months to follow. Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn.

DP}}}}}


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning everyone. Trying not to lose my mind here. We are leaving on vacation in a few days, so that is a little chaotic. Vacation isn't vacation with 4 kids. LOL

In some ways I am glad that we will be gone the 7th (first antiversary), but I'm nervous about it in others. I really have no idea how I will be that day, and we will be around tons of family back home. I wish there was just an island far far away with my name on it this week.

fWH has been mostly good. He has times that I just want to scream, but for the most part things are ok. He was gone with our son at camp all week last week, and (which this is just sad), it's the first time in almost 5 years that he was actually alone. He actually missed me.

Every other time that he was gone or I was gone, he was with her. He is so terrified of being alone that he never was. God forbid he might have actually missed his wife.

It's the things like that I struggle with now. Everything is bittersweet. Yes, I did miss him (even though I really didn't want to), but I also had a fairly sizable realization about the fact that he never missed me before. He was always occupied with someone else. It just makes me sick.

I probably won't be online much through these next few weeks since we will be gone.

Deep breath.

I can do this.

I think.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sorry I haven't checked in the last few days. So very busy on our trip.

Having a wonderful time.

Remember you CAN make your dreams come true.

DP

I'm so sorry honey. I know it is the most awful form of slow torture you are going through.

Thinking of you.

My thoughts are also with everyone on LTA who is struggling.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- Glad to hear that you are enjoying your trip

WYE- Try to enjoy your vacation with the kids. I know it sounds like a cliche but as a mom of 2 grown up kids.... enjoy every minute with your children...they do grow up so fast.
And remember...you are making memories with them that will last a lifetime.
As for your WH not missing you...that seems to be a pattern with the WS. Even before the LTA my FWH never called us every day when he was on a business trip etc.
He was the king of compartmentalization- when he was sitting on a bar stool he was in the moment. When he was home with the kids he was dad.
That's why he was able to carry on the LTA- everything had compartments.
And of course a very common thing for many WS to say is that they never appreciated their spouse like they should have and they took them for granted.
It makes me sad to think of the past in that way but I remind myself that he treated our children the same way as he treated me and I know he loves the kids. He took them for granted...especially during the LTA years when he became very depressed and detached from the family.
It was his loss. I enjoyed every minute of those years with my children.
But,now, my husband has a new found love and appreciation for me and for the kids.
He wants to spend all of his time with us and will put us first before himself.
Hopefully, your WH will feel the same level of remorse and will become more attentive and attached to you and your children.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep- You are such a good father. I know that you are hanging in there for the sake of the kids.It sounds like you are getting good legal advice.
Sending you a long distance hug.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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