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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the catalyst was the continued selfishness along with his mood swings.

A couple of weeks ago we went to dinner and he was blatently flirting with the waitress like I wasn't even there. Then he decides he will not talk to me for a couple of weeks because I said something about it. The list goes on.

He has many issues, one being depression that he won't own up to. He hates his life, he hates himself, etc.

The camel that broke the straws back so to speak was some health issues (women problems) I have been having. Never asked if I was feeling ok, NOTHING...but wanted sex.

If I didn't leave I was going to do something I would regret. So I left. He hasn't contacted me since Tuesday.
Ugghhhh


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Nofun}}}}

We're here for you. Come here and vent!!

I think what so many people say is right: you get to a point that you KNOW it's over and you're done. Please keep in contact here and I hope there are people IRL that are there for you. See a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself and your assets.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Honest...I've been smart and have been getting things in order. Sometimes you just know even though you don't want to believe it or are in denial.

Nobody is going to screw me over, nobody!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow..Nofun... from what you describe of his behavior it sounds like you had no other choice.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be treated much better.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: I'm glad that you have been getting your things in order. Geez, you should have had him leave the house after all he's put you through!

You have the right attitude, no one is going to screw you over!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello everyone...its been so so long since i have posted or even have read up on all.....so i am here to give you all an update...

first and foremost...i passed my certification and am now a certified medical assistant, i have a job that has crazy long hours....not sure i will stay with this job though....not much job security so i will gain my experience and move when i feel im ready....

when i last posted i posted about an issue with my daughter....while i cannot say its resolved permanently it is not on a front burner of sorts....and for the most part we are feeling better about the situation...she has a boyfriend and its getting much more serious then i would llike way way too soon....but i have stepped back and am being her background support system....she will be 20 next month and for the most part my job is done

manchild is a volunteer firefighter now,we are very proud of him for that, he is still miraculously enrolled in college..... and we are hopin he continues that path..

scrawny boy is going to be a senior in high school and is an honor student...he will be applying for college this fall....damn im too young to have 3 college kids...

as for life with pfm...he still does stupid so well...and i have finally reached a point of decent indifference making living together much more peaceful to an extent...although his inadequacies regarding manchild who also seems to do stupid well have put a different tension in the house and between he and i.....i am looking forward to a future without him and am on the road leading to it......

as for my sanity.....i have my days....thankfully i dont have as many as i used too.....knowing, really KNOWING what i am doing and going to do is really key in keeping my sanity, keeping me strong and keeping me moving in that direction....i chose my path and am stickin to it, and its really satisfying having that "knowing"....i still do therapy, and my therapist is very proud of my progress!!

i am hopin to find some routine eventually so that i can post and read on a more steady basis, give back! this place was my salvation, without it i don't think i would have come so far so fast!! so THANK YOU TRIBE

(((((tribe)))))

ok....now i only skimmed the last few pages and have not caught all i with i could have but for starters..

happy birthday dip....miss you and your humor

nell...you missed me...well ii missed you too....didn't catch up though on how you are doing as a single woman..

allgood...i am so proud of you, of all you have done and continue to do for YOU...and you will date when youre ready, and if you do so b4 you really are ready,...then go into it with the attitude of its a relationship for some FUN

(((nofun))) oh my friend, i am so sorry he never stepped up and so proud of you for taking that step you have been dreading, wanting and not wanting .....i hope you find some peace finally....

ukgirl, fnf, njgal, laura, i have missed you all...

m3 i still can't believe you are havin another baby.,,, and how is baby paddy doin? and did i read right...are you plannin on divorcing??

dp: did i also see that you are also divorcing?...

strong: glad you are happy i your new home...i thought of you recently, i was at a new gym and i was talking with this woman int the pool...she left her husband....he refused to leave the home, of course it was ugly.....he also went after custody of the one son left underage..the other kids were over 18...this kid was i believe 15 at the time...she finally got fed up and left the home, the home her son grew up in, she left with all of her kids....and the youngest son with all the custody battling (he wanted to stay with his mother in "his" home) reached a boiling point and has not spoken to his father since...and told his dad that if ended up with him he would just run away back to his mothers.....that was 2 years ago...so this woman says that her ex now has this big house, with a big kitchen and pool...he doesnt cook and does not use the pool and he no longer has any relationship with his kids as his own hand!!! really sad...i came home and told pfm about her, cause i seem him giving me problems and not leaving when the time comes....of course pfms first reponse was
"i dont want to leave"....when it should have been.."i will do as you ask when you ask as much as i want to stay i will respect your wishes"...but that would mean he is a changed man....


honest: my heart aches for you my friend, and am sending you as much strength as i can for you to get on your path, the path you know you need to take for your own santity!!

well my friends, i am tired, been a long long day and i need a shower...i will check in again soon i hope...and just know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis..


special note to the newbies:

welcome to this corner of si....a corner that had been "home" to me for the last 3 and a half years....its been a place of tears, anger, joy and laughter, its been a place most importantly in healing....the peeps on this forum in particular are a special bunch.....this tribe has always been the most embracing, encouraging, warm, non-judgemental and kickass crew!!!....in them you can regain the sanity you may have lost, the support you need to get up, the shoulder to cry on, the laughs when you really need one....

and remember...ALL THINGS PASS, TIME WILL HEAL......everything, and i mean everything passes in time...and you control YOU and YOUR path....

"it is what it is, AND it will become what you make of it"


(((((tribe)))))



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: It's so good to see you again! I'm soooo proud of you and what you have achieved. You go girl!!! All will work out with the kids. When they get in thier 20's they become "human" again

I know how busy you are, but please keep dropping in and give us updates!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun
You have courage! Good for you. It sounds like you are on a good path to building YOU up again!

Iwant, you sound good.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your support.

It's so good to hear from you miracle. When you set out to do something, YOU DO IT. I'm proud of you.

Miracle...your kids will be just fine. I had problems with mine at that age and honest is right, they do grow up to be human beings. And the one that you worry about the most, somehow does the best out of all of them.

My H will not leave the home either, that's why I left. I just couldn't take the drama.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... yes, you deserve someone that has concern for your well being. Sorry your WH does not get it.

miracle.. congratulations!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear from you miracle!


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to All,

nofun, I know that you have been preparing in case you had to leave him. That will not make the emotional discaonection any easier I suspect, but hopefully it will allow you to focus more on healing and moving forward.

((nofun))

iwam, what a pleasant suprise to see your post, and congratulations.

Hi honest, glad to see you posting too.

tryn, I thought of you the other day. You were their early in my time on SI when I was trying to move on from dday, and then we met for lunch just as I was moving on to my new and much better job. Are you one of my angels? And if you are, I need to know the right 7 numbers for tonight...

I had not really realized how unhappy I was at my former job, and how porly they were treating me, until I started my new position. What a feeling to be valued, have coworkers ready to help, and doing work that is valued. Leaving that former job was the best decision I ever made, regardless of how this new one turns out.

Which leads me to wonder about my M. The best that can be said is that it is not bad, certainly better then the first 20 years. Maybe I need to leave to understand how unsatisfying it is? Sex only once or twice a month no longer bothers me, becasue when we do have sex it is mechanical, I don't feel what I used to (think I remember) feeling.

Oh well, hugs to all. And maybe unhappiness is life saying you need to make a change?

--Ats

etc (edited to change) week to month re: sex. Guess that was just wishful thinkin'

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:17 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Good to hear from you. Great news about your job!!

Analogy time When I had a car accident many years ago, I was in so much pain from whiplash, I got used to it. When I went to the chiropractor and got relief, tears ran down my cheeks from being without pain. I didn't realize how much pain I was in until I was out of it.

That is what is happening for you, Ats with your job.

Laura: I hope you had a wonderful time.

UKgirl: any updates?

Nofun: keep posting here and let us support you, keep us updated.

I had a good conversation with DS17 this morning. (the thing with teens, is that they CAN be human with their parents on a limited time )
So sadly, because of the OC's, my DS's feel the abandonment, rejection, betrayal of a BS in a way KWIM?

I was telling DS 17 that I liked talking with him and that we "interact", like when we were watching a favorite movie the other night and had an "intellectual conversation" about the theme of this sci/fi movie. Then I said, I wish that his father would be able to do that with me, and DS17 says that his father doesn't really "interact" with anyone. DS said his father doesn't want to hang out with him, even though he wants to hang out with his father. How sad. What an idiot NPD is on missing out hanging out with a great person like DS17!
It's not just talking or having conversation, but real interaction, that, thank God, I do have with my DS's,even though some days it may be the only few minutes I see them during thier busy schedules.

I've spent the major part of the week mourning for the loss of what I thought I had. What I wanted all my life, and really didn't have. I guess I finally moved out of the bargaining/hope stage that I was forever stuck in and starting to face the reality of what is.
It's sad, but thank God, not the terrible, heart wrenching, knife stabbing, disabilatinig pain of before.
Thank you all here. Hugs to everyone in the tribe,

{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun - so sorry that you had to leave however you have found that inner strength you needed.
As DP I had decided to leave the leave divorce till the new year so DS got thru 1st year of high school & we celebrated xmas together but I dont think i will hold on till then. WW is so bat faced bitchy these days that the kids are reacting in ways I didnt think possible. WW bags me in front of the kids at every opportunity & is now telling the kids im stealing from the family. Everything is my fault etc etc. It will take another 4-5 weeks to sort out the financial mess she has left us in & then i can start the D process before xmas.
Ats - congrats on the job.

Tribe take care


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - welcome home


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP- My FWH's MOW was a serial cheater. I found out from her BH that her first LTA started in the early 1980's and lasted 6 yrs! and of course that was an affair with a married co-worker.
Her BH found out about that LTA a few years after it ended. Oh...and during those years of the LTA the MOW gave birth to 2 children.
Yes...I know...
The BH never said a word to me about his concerns about their paternity etc.
But, I'm sure there were some.
But...he was a really nice guy-already very bonded with the kids and my guess-didn't want to know because he felt like he was the father.
He reconciled with the MOW but never demanded all he should have. No transparency. He never contacted the OM. He never insisted that she leave the job etc.She continued going out to happy hour etc for work, traveling extensively for work.
She lied and told him that the OM had retired (not true...he stayed there for another 25 yrs and I suspect she was a booty call for those years).

I suspect that the MOW was 'close' to other married co-workers over the years.
And then my FWH's office location moved to her building and she began a year long aggressive pursuit of the 'new' guy.

Her BH found out about the LTA with my FWH 2 yrs before I did!
He never confronted her, never contacted me,instead he quietly moved out of the bedroom, detached and decided to wait to divorce until the youngest child was finished with college!

However, he finally broke down and left earlier due to the fact that the MOW became more and more blatant with her behaviors and more and more detached from the family and disrespectful of him.

he realized that this was not in the best interest of the kids and he moved out.

After d-day I contacted him immediately and he told me this sad story.
He also told me that he was banned from his family home on Xmas day because his wife had painted him as a bad guy and told the kids and her family that the reason for the divorce was that HE was cheating!!!!
Can you imagine the audacity of this woman?

I told him-enough is enough.
He cannot continue to play the KISA and try to protect the mother's image. He had to tell the kids the truth and he finally did.

They are divorced.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP: I hope that you are going to IC to help sort out all your feelings and help plan what your next move is. I agree, you cannot stay in this environment. Also, it may be possible to get the kids to go to family therapy since this environment that your wife is creating is not good for them either.

You need to see a lawyer and find out what your options are, especially with who is going to leave the marital home, child custody, visitation, etc.

How many people/family know of WW's behavior? It may be time to out her to one and all. No more protection for her.
I'm so sorry, DP. I really, really know how hard it is to try to be there and act normal for the kids when you know WW is still at it. It eats at your soul. {{{DP}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun, somehow I missed that you moved out. I will pray that you finally find peace and joy now, dear friend.

Miracle! So happy to "see" you. Yes, I am planning on divorcing. Mr.M3 is involved with yet ANOTHER chick he went to high school with . So, that's two XHSGF's and one LTA college ho. Whatever. Nell likes to refer to him as Mr. Nofuckingclueman -- because it does not seem like he's aware that he's about to get slapped with D papers. I said exactly ONE thing about HS chick; when I saw they'd moved from overly-friendly facebooking to texting I told him flat-out, "I don't like this and I don't like where it's going" and got the fabulously remorseful and self-aware response of "you've got nothing to worry about from her."

Well, duh, genius. It's YOU who has something to worry about from her; child support for 5 kids is not negligible. My attorney suggested that we write an agreement that leans towards his favor in every instance where it could be litigated to avoid court and court costs because the attorney fees could eat up any difference very fast and I'll make up for whatever I lose rather quickly in child support, which is basically a statutory amount in MD -- plug the pertinent info into a calculator and it spits out a number.

In other M3 news, looks like WH is being sent overseas for a substantial amout of time for work anyhow, which should make the whole thing easier.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant now, so getting very noticeable and tired. The baby is a BOY.

Baby Paddy graduated from PT as well and is age-appropriate in everything. My first non-advaced child, though she does know many shapes and colors at 2 1/2. She (finally) had her first haircut on Saturday!

That's about it.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: Congrats on the baby boy!! I'm so happy that Paddy is doing well! All her "adoptive" aunts and uncles on LTA love her! It may be a good thing that WH is going away for a while to give you some peace. I hope that you can get help with the children while he is away.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks honest. Fortunately (smartly?) when we moved, we moved much closer to my family, so I think some of them will have a bit of pity on me...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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