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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33 - Happy birthday & I also hope the house sale goes well.
Give baby P a hug from me.
Take care

PS - I no longer wear my ring as well.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ladies... I have a question for you woman who have good values on this board...

What are your values as a woman?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy birthday, m3!!!!! I know you are sad to let the house go, but this is your day to begin your new future. It's not a coincidence that your house sale and birthday fall on the same day. Just like it wasn't a coincidence that my 30s ended, the offer on my townhouse was accepted and my job situation changed all in the same month. It's a time of transition to better things.

tryn,
I don't think I have gender-specific values. Maybe culture-specific; I don't know. I value:
* Authenticity
* Setting and working to meet priorities/principles/goals (whatever you want to call a person's guiding ideals)
* A grateful/positive attitude
* Self-discovery and self-direction
* Kindness to self and others
* Living within one's means
* Family and friends


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday m33! And blessings on your 5th angel.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.. yes, alzheimers is creeping in and it might be nice to lose some memory.

M3 - happy, happy birthday.

Tryin - I agree with Nell that values are not gender specific. Preferences will be different but not values.

Update on the h&c world.

Anniversaries have always been an appropriate time for me to evaluate the past, present, and future eliminating the noise of the daily activities of life. I am currently in the midst of a string of anniversaries related to my WW A and will share my thoughts, emotions, and paths being considered.

Triggers – few, if any, in months. Occasional clenching of eyes due to overall sickness of A but not triggered by anything specific.

Stress – still carry some in my back though it is significantly less than six months earlier.

Peace – getting closer. W and I were at a site that has one of, if not the largest, association with her A. I was not angry, uptight, but just wondered (and said to W), what do you think your AP is doing? I still grieve over what I have lost (or thought I had) and the future that could have been. Finally, I can enjoy a good drink (occasionally) again.

Reconciliation – W is attentive and affectionate. There is still the I love you with a subtext of I do not love you the way you love me. “I have also wondered if I would be happier if I were not married to you” – WW

Status – I understand her feelings and told her this week that I could no longer stay under those conditions. Yes, we would give up each others companionship (good); support (good); daily interaction with our teens (I would miss); comforts of our finances (not important). Her reaction was do not say it! I am not in a rush, the time is small relative to 20 years of M. Though I do not see her behaviors changing and see a D as inevitable.

Wishing all a great weekend!

h&c



BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dammit...I hate that I am writing in this dreaded section of SI. I'll give a bit of background as I haven't really written about it on this forum. My wife had a 5 year affair. I found out on 3/6 when I was getting ready for bed and needed to check my emails. I had shut my laptop down and hers was open, so I did what anyone lazy would...I used her machine! Her homepage was her email account and I don't know why, but I looked at the list of emails and it's there that I saw a hotel receipt for that day. When she was supposed to be in a meeting after work. I was devastated. I was totally fucking blindsided. She had gone to bed about an hour before me so I took her laptop upstairs and dropped it on the bed and demanded to know what the hell was going on. She initially looked at it and said it must be some sort of mistake, but little did she know that I saw a text on her phone earlier from the OM asking if they were still on for their "meeting". So I asked, if its a mistake then who is OM? I then began to put my jeans on and I looked at her in the dim light. I said, you know what I'm doing, right? She said yes. I walked downstairs and she followed me. I told her give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out the door right then and there. She broke down. I told her to give me her phone and I texted the OM asking him to call. He did and I answered "Hi this is Dig, what's going on with you and my wife?" He immediately hung up. I texted him and told him I knew what kind of a fucking coward he would be when confronted. He said he would call back in a few minutes. When he did, I told him in no uncertain terms that if he tried to contact my wife in any way, that I would kill him. He knows who I am, so he believed that. I told him he had a choice to make: Either he could go tell his wife what he had done, or he could wait for her as I had just sent her an email during our call after he confessed. He begged me to take the email back because he had a family!! I said, well mother f'er, so do I and I hung up. I found out through our friends (he's a friend of a friend...how they were introduced) that his wife had to confront him. That was a little over 7 weeks ago. My wife immediately admitted to this being 5 years long that night and we talked for about 3 hours. I told her that if she wanted me to get in bed that she'd better take a shower and do what she had to do. She did so without complaint. Since then, we have decided to reconcile. I know it was probably a bit early to do so, but I hadn't looked at a forum or a book on the subject. I know how much I love her. I know the back story as to how the marriage was broken, and I will relate that another time. She has been transparent, given me access to her email and every password to every account she has. One thing that I have learned is that this was purely sexual. No dinners, drinks, spending the nights. Just get together and screw. Doesn't make it easier at all, but it's the cards I got dealt. At times, this has been like trying to drink from a fire hose. We have talked and she has given me answers to every question I have. One thing that I have learned is that I am a pretty strong guy mentally. Sometimes when I need to really hear her, I check my ego at the door and truly listen. I believe that I cannot heal with my ego in control at those times. It doesn't mean I don't feel the bad stuff, I just don't let my self, get in the way of trying to recover from this nightmare. On her own last week, she installed a GPS tracker on her phone and surprised me by calling and giving me the app name. After I downloaded it, she told me to click on her name and her position was updated in real time as she drove the highway home from work. I give her credit for doing a ton of heavy lifting. I hate what she did to us. But I'm glad that we are finally truly talking and connecting again. OK...well, that's me. Thank you all for the reading I've done over the past few days. I really appreciate all the stories and the advice that I've read.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Somedaydig

Welcome to our little corner of SI.

So sad you had to find us but you will quickly learn that the tribe are very compassionate people who truly do understand your pain.

It sounds to me as though you are going very well considering.

I particularly like the story about your FWW putting the GPS tracker on her phone. That kind of proactive behaviour is really encouraging.

Like all of us you have a long way to go. Whenever you need us we will be here so don't hesitate to post your thoughts or experiences.

We all know each other well and I think that is the wonderful thing about LTA. We are a community.

I visit the other sections of SI regularly but unless I follow a particular thread for a while don't get to really "know" all those who post.

This is a safe haven for those of us who have suffered from LTAs. Hang around. You won't be sorry.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dig - welcome your amongst friends.Sounds like WW is doing her share at the moment. Are either one of you in IC or the 2 of you in MC?

Take care Bro.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Laura and Deep for the welcome. I'll definitely hang around as this is someplace that really seems to offer a shoulder to lean on even if it is "just the internet".
Deep...we're in MC. We both agreed to go the day after Dday and had our first appointment the following week. I think we will be getting into IC shortly though as we each need to work on our individual pain to help out MC.
Last night...wow...what a 2 hour talk we had. For the first time ever, and she's 41 years old, she broke down sobbing when I looked at her and "simply" asked, tell me what happened to you. I knew I was instigating her to open up, but honestly I didn't expect to hear what I did. She was gang raped in college. Admittedly, she said she was promiscuous in her freshman year, but when she told me what happened and how, I could see all the pain from holding that in for 20+ years. She's never ever told anyone before and boy was she hurting. I know we, as the BS's are the ones who are supposed to be comforted and whatnot, but how could I not hold her in my arms and feel this pain, shame and embarrassment? I haven't even gotten into when our marriage began to break with SI, but since this just happened less than 12 hours ago, I felt it was important to share. As difficult as it was to put my own shit aside for those 2 hours, I am proud of myself for showing the compassion for such a horrific experience that my wife not only endured, but has held in for so so long.
I hope Peace for everyone today who is struggling with betrayal and pain.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Somedaydig to our 'dreaded' corner of SI. Sad you had to find us but believe me the LTA tribe is a terrific group who truly do understand your pain.

Belated Bday greetings to M3! Ditto on Nell's msg... I agree and applaud you both, admiring your strength & positive attitude!

As Friday is my day with my GS, online activity is pretty much confined to his favourite Youtube Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & other kids' viewing & music... "Don't read your email Gramma!" says my precious almost 3 yr old. July is his birth month and we spent some time marking his 2012 Cars calendar with family Bdays. The calendar lives on my fridge, in case you are wondering <GriN>

{{{h&c}}} {{{LTA}}}

ETA to re-try posting the image. sometimes it works, sometimes not...

[This message edited by lostsuol at 12:41 PM, April 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Someday-
So sorry that you find yourself here but I know that posting on SI will help.
My FWH also had a 5 yr LTA-totally sexual, no romance.
And we are successfully reconciled.
Others on the LTA forum are still struggling with what to do. And then there are those that have decided to divorce.
The one thing that I know is that we can survive this and even thrive....
but it is a long, journey-a roller coaster of emotions.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are only one year out… Love is patient.


She says, “I have also wondered if I would be happier if I were not married to you” Is it a some moments of time or does she really say and think this every time?


I have some values…… I will be a man who gives my wife what she needs to the best of my ability. H&C, This kind of value has worked very well for me and I communicate it to my wife. I know that my values may not match those of others. If not, I manage them to the best of my ability.

This is what I have done to my wife… “If You’re not happy? Then it’s your choice to leave. I don’t want you to leave. I want to be the man you need and will change to be this man if this is a good man. But I will also tell you, I only be in a marriage that is mutually, loving, caring, happy, honoring and sexual (newly added this year). “


Thank you Nell for placing some thought in your values. Values may not be gender specific, but after talking to all you fine woman for a few years now, you do seem to think way different than a man.

H&C.. do you have this value Nell mentions? A grateful/positive attitude.

“Though I do not see her behaviors changing and see a D as inevitable.”
Too me, when we try to R, we get so negative. I did it for sure many times. You can make it your choice that it will be your W who files D and ends it with you. That is a value. If my W, njgal’s H, ats’s W and others, your wife can change too with your staying true to your own values.

Nell, I too have those same values. I think you made a good list. Thank you.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somedaydig.. Sorry you are walking the path we walk.
I told her that if she wanted me to get in bed that she'd better take a shower and do what she had to do.

What did she have to do? Have sex with you clean now?

I think what your wife is doing is a good sign to R. But the ultimate factor you can control is you.

So, you get gang raped in college and that is the reason. Bull shit IMO. She may have some issues but that rape has not a damn thing to do with her not living up to marriage commitment. That was done for you to feel sorry for her bad behavoir. They are separate issues.

Sent you a PM.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:43 AM, April 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you misunderstood me there trynhard. She NEVER said that was in any way a reason why she had the affair. It was simply something that she opened up to me. Something that she's never told anyone. Ever.

As for the shower and "do what you have to do" bit. Well, that was before I would climb into our bed that night. We did NOT have sex that night. No f'ng way could I have done that. I was trying to be subtle, but if you need clarification, I told her to shower so she could wash his smell off her and douche to get any bit of him the fuck outta there.

My apologies if I offended anyone there, but it seems like tryn wanted to know what I was talking about. I can be subtle or I can be pretty blatant. I'd rather be subtle not knowing exactly who I'm chatting with in a forum. But that's just me.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somedaydig... I am sorry I misunderstood. You will never offend me... After going through being most offended by my wife an forgiving her for her 8 year affair, posters around just cannot offend me for some reason. I might be hardened. I'm sure I offend some too. Anyway, I hope you find a way to forgive.

Stone

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument; and the one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "Today my best friend slapped me in the face."

They kept walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one, who had been slapped, got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After the friend recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "Today my best friend saved my life."

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Learn to write your hurts in the sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.

Dr Laura

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:39 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for understanding tryn. I'm working on forgiveness, but I'm not 100% ready to say that just yet. While we are working on R, I feel I can do so without a "forgiveness speech". I like the stone story. That really hits home. Thank you


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somedaydig

It's so early, I am not sure you are capable of forgiving right now. I wanted to early, but it tooks well over a year for me to forgive and even now I am not sure it is complete.

This is hard. It will be about the hardest thing you ever face in life.

I wish you peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again tryn. No, I don't think I'm ready to truly forgive at this point. Mostly because to me, true forgiveness is absolute. And I'm certainly not ready for any absolute (unless its vodka) at this stage.

To relate a bit more of my/our back story. 7 years ago, my wife had a miscarriage. I've been captain of a couple private jets for the past decade. I was thousands of miles away when she began spotting one night and then I got the call the following morning after her doctor's appointment. Luckily we were coming home that day and I was able to be with her for the next week as she had to have what amounts to an abortion to remove the dead fetus. I remember how horrible it was and how deeply sad I was at losing our baby. She went into a pretty deep depression and of course...I had to get back to flying the rich people around. Whenever I was home, I would try to talk to her, but nothing seemed to work. I walked on eggshells around her. I didn't know what to do or say to ease her pain. Then I began to shut down from trying to help. I stopped talking and continued my eggshell dance. We drifted at that point. She wrote to me this weekend (we keep a journal together) that it was during that time that she realizes now that she should have opened up to me. That she should have recognized that I was her strength. I was her husband and I was there to console her and help BOTH of us heal. Unfortunately, she didn't do that. So, she began to resent me, even though it was her that didn't confide in me. The resentment was wrongfully placed on me (her words) and she began to drift further away. She met the OM about 2 years after that. He gave her the attention that she thought she wasn't getting from me. Again, since everything has come out and she has been completely transparent and honest with me, she has admitted that during the 5 years that in her mind, she created the resentment and anger towards me to justify the affair. I was constantly to blame for everything that was wrong in our marriage...which I know now was pretty much bullshit. She admits that, too. She has told me on a daily basis for the last 8 weeks since Dday how sorry she is for her betrayal and that she will do everything and anything to get our marriage back. She bought a book called "How to Heal Your Spouse After Your Affair" and I can see a 180 degree change in her behavior since Dday. Literally, a different woman than 3/5. I'm not happy that this happened, however I AM happy that we are where we are. We talk to each other every day with honesty. Heck, we even sit on the same couch together to watch our nightly TV shows. The air in the house is totally different, and even though it sucks that we got to this place the way we did, I'm glad that we are here.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somedaydig

I made this for ats but it also applies to you.

If you don't leave your wife, your arm is missing forever. I don't hurt anymore, I can hurt when I want to take my mind in the past. I look at my arm all the time. It’s missing. Do you get what I am saying?

You can allow yesterday to ruin today... or not. This is about you now.

Forgiveness is a choice. You decide to forgive or not. Once you decide, then you begin act and execute forgiving ways. The execution is not so easy. We allow our feeling and emotion to overpower us. You should read a book on how to forgive. The path you are on should be a learning experience to pass on to your kids and others that will need you later in life.

A masculine man knows how to have self control. It is his value. I will not allow my emotions to make poor choices. Damn straight every pilot I know is a masculine man. My brother is a pilot and it takes courage to have that job. I know you have what it takes.

She bought a book called "How to Heal Your Spouse After Your Affair"

I have read this book and it is dead on for a cheater. This tells me your wife made her choice she wants your marriage.

A man with values will not mislead his wife into believing all she does today to correct her failing is without reward. I think we all want a mutually, loving, kind, caring, happy and sexually relationship. If you fail to give your wife what she needs, you fail yourself and you stay and wallow in your own misery. I wallowed in it for months and months and it was my greatest mistake.


You are in a grieving period. It will take you through some stages. All I can say is self control is your biggest asset. Your goal should not be to fix your wife. She can only fix herself. I think you can understand that your W has failed herself, let God down, let you, your family down. Affairs are about the worst possible thing a person can do. Affairs are evil, no ifs, ands or buts.

Now is the time to be wise. You are not a doormat. You do not accept anything but new transparency. You accept only good loving, caring, happy and a good sexual relationship from now on. You need to take something from this experience. I will learn how to handle future conflicts. I will bring on conflicts to stay true to my own values and boundaries. I will be more loving and discover what my wife’s needs are and try to the best of my ability for fill those needs. I will control my emotions.

Have you read the 5 languages of love. Do it.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Somedaydig..

I am kinda new to the LTA forum myself, but not new to SI. I am almost 2 years out from my dday.

My fWH read "how to help your spouse heal" also. He has been rock solid for the most part in my healing. We still have issues at times, but I think a lot of it can be attributed to the crazy thinking I was gifted on dday.

Tryn suggested the 5 love languages. I also suggest it, however, when fWH and I read it we first did the online assessment and then focused on the top two love languages for each of us.

We didn't really need to read "gifts" because it was the bottom love language for us both. Anyway, here is the assessment.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
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