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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's viewed him AGAIN!!!

WTF is the matter with the woman???

I gotta stop looking, haven't I?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl,

I had written my H a long Letter also last week. I was waiting until a particularly busy period at work was over before I sent it.

Then all the other stuff happened, (discovery of the weekend getaways and asking him to leave)

I did send the email three days ago. he told me that he received it but has made no mention of it. This is typical when I sent him articles to read. No comments.

I obviously have a big problem with hotels too. Even hotels that they never met in. We also have a three day trip (work-related) coming up at the end of September and the thought of staying at a hotel makes me anxious.

I cannot, nor do I want to compete with MOM in so far as she went to great lengths to "create a mood". Candles, music, alcohol, sex toys and the latest suggestions from Cosmo.
walking into a hotel room will bring all of these images back for me. My only consolation is that this hotel is a lot classier than the ones they stayed at (with a couple of exceptions) and that I am a lot classier than the one he stayed with.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 663 | Registered: Feb 2012
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly UKG? I really LIKE my husband. And I'm very attracted to him as well. Even after all this infidelity BS, he is still so very important to me, no matter how hard I try for that not to be the case. He was too important to me before, my whole little world revolved around him.

I just don't like him cheating on me. Which is very understandable. There are other things I don't like too, but I'm learning to deal with them assertively over time.

So, there you go.

I also think the tremendous amount of Buddhist stuff I've been reading has really changed my perspectives, and continues to do so.

Oh, and STOP LOOKING. Yep. What's wrong with her is that instead of facing and dealing with whatever her real problem(s) is/are she is fantasizing that your husband is her white knight.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl- You gotta stop looking.

It's one thing for him to be looking for her - that's unacceptable. But if it's just her pining away, let her pine.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33, I totally understand liking your fWS. I like being with Mr UKg Ė Iíve always said that. I feel very different about him now, but overall, I like being with him. Heís interesting, amusing, good fun, witty, charming and all those things MOW fell in love with too. He has this darker side which I was aware of, highly strung, unpredictable, smouldering, a typical Scorpio profile. But I also have to take into account he is a liar and a cheat and did something I never thought he was capable of. And that makes me wary. We all have our tolerances of our spouses, wayward or not. If Mr m33 could rein in this adolescent behaviour and this need to have women respond as ďchicksĒ, Iím sure you would be further on by now. Doesnít he realise the effect of what he is doing? Not just to you and the children, but to everyone his life touches. Does he actually think his behaviour is normal and acceptable? And whatís his reason for doing it anyway? Is he that insecure he needs constant attention?

Fighting Back, everything I asked me fWH to do he did with reluctance. The counselling. Writing a NC letter to MOW. I gave him letters. I asked him questions. I gave him a timeline guide (facts and events, not all the other stuff I knew about him and MOW) to give me his timeline of the LTA. I gave him After the Affair e-book to help him. I had never been one to snoop and pry, after d-day I went through all his stuff and found crap I could have done without Ė all because HE either didnít have the wit or couldnít be bothered to clear out everything to do with her. I have had to prompt him every step of the way. Iím just not going to do it anymore. I gave him the document a month ago. If he hasnít read it by the time he starts the new job on 3rd Sept, Iím simply going to remove it. I donít want DS17 (or anyone else) coming across it by chance.

I am a lot classier than the one he stayed with.
True. What gets me is when it was assumed she was his wife!!! I donít wear a wedding ring, so I donít care what people think.

Right, Iím off to get my laptop fixed, so probably wonít be back until the end of the month unless I can sneak on the pc. (((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:41 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...everything I asked me fWH to do he did with reluctance...

UKgirl, I understand this. FWW was/is similar. For too long I made her problems my problem. I bought the books, pushed for IC/MC, kept asking for what I wanted. Once I dropped her issues, I began to see that what I want and need is very different form what she wants. She has done, and continues IC to work on her, but the M is not benefiting much other than I am no longer the root of all evil. She cannot schedule an event or trip for us, but recently set up a trip to visit her DD without me, and is planning a trip to visit the other DD who hates me and whose house I am not welcome at. She is reading at night and bringing work home, so it is not like there is no time. I can only assume that I am less interesting than her books or her work. I am no longer nagging for what I want, and I see what my future is with FWW. Nothing really negative, just not any intimacy or connection.

It is interesting in my new job with my post-dday glasses on. I can see the opportunities, the women who are eager for attention and very happy anytime I stop in to chat with them. Anytime I stop in they stop what they are doing and focus on me. They ask about my life, my weekend, how I am doing. Everything I say is interesting to them. They want to know what they can do for me, they want to help me get acclimated in my new job. I can see how affirming it is, how easy to go to lunch, work on some projects together, tell each other how wonderful we are. This new job has the sort of flexibility like FWW used to have. I can find an excuse to be most anywhere in the city most anytime of the workday. I can find reasons to work late or on a weekend. It would be easy to find a few hours in an afternoon.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS, do not have an affair.

Having said that, don't hesitate to get a divorce if this "alternate life" you can glimpse seems better to you after a little deliberation.

Doesnít he realise the effect of what he is doing? No. Not just to you and the children, but to everyone his life touches. No. Does he actually think his behaviour is normal and acceptable? Yes. And whatís his reason for doing it anyway? I don't know. Because it's Tuesday? Is he that insecure he needs constant attention? Yes.

A lot of it is the culture(s) he's been in and around. Our professional area -- cheaterville. I can never keep track of who is sleeping with who at the office; I don't even try. And the law firms are way worse than my agency. The guy WH worked for before his current boss had married THREE of his secretaries. Because, you know, whenever a man marries his mistress a job opening is created. Sailing -- cheaterville. Those dudes actually call themselves "rock stars".

Ah, well. I have no idea if that answers anything.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats - Don't do anything you'll regret. Maybe this will help you to see that you don't have to settle for a M without any real connections.

We don't have to settle. None of us do. It can be different, it can be better.

We all know how badly you want it to be different and better with her, but it just doesn't seem like it's going that way.

Wishing you peace and clarity.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no. I am not looking to start anything (although the flirting in fun). I am just amazed how obvious it all is once you know what to look for. It is just as FWW described her A's starting. How she would flirt, the attention she liked, needy people, etc. I was incredulous that she would be able to work out all the steps to have an A not once, but multiple times. Now I see that is is not so complicated if you are looking for it.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knock knock. Hello! Is anyone home?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hellooooooo! I'm over here. (Excuse me, fellas... coming through...) Coffee?

What are your thoughts on the way the current drought is impacting the actions of our WSs?

Yeah, I got nothin'.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got nothing here either.

Well, that's not exactly true.

fWH is having a really hard time lately, lots of self-reflection and realizing the gravity of what has happened.

It's hard to watch him struggle so much, but at the same time I know that this could have all been avoided.

I find myself comforting him more these days, which just seems soooo ass backwards.

Anyone else have to deal with this?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself comforting him more these days, which just seems soooo ass backwards.

Anyone else have to deal with this?

yep, it took me a long time to where I was able to watch and exude the "what did you expect" attitude.

Really, it is not just validation and affirmation that many WSs need to learn to find inside rather than externally, but how to self-sooth too.

btw,

...and realizing the gravity of what has happened.

Not just what happened, but the realization of what kind of person he is (was?).

Hi Nell and Dip.

ETA: Happy Birthday Honest!

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:50 PM, August 24th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

The drought does not seem to be impacting my W much. My well is still working so she has plenty of water. Since I am the one to water the plants she is impacted by all my bitching about the lack of rain and that I am tired of watering her flowers.

wye.

It does seem ass backwards. I do think it is natural to want to comfort someone who you care about that is suffering. It just gets confusing when the cause of their suffering is self-inflicted and a knife in the back to us.

ats.

Hi. Have you had time to grill lately?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEST.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's honest's birthday?! Happy birthday, honey!!!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe...
I'm skimming as time online is short while visiting out of town.

HaPPY Birthday Honest!

{{{LTA Tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost... hang in there! You will get through this moment and become stronger.

Honest.. Happy Brithday!!!

UKGirl.. best wishes for a fun and enjoyable holiday! No advice from h&c - the other members of the tribe have given excellent advice and it is yours to use as you see fit.

avicarswife.. yes, it is difficult to face that your spouse is a stranger. I knew my W would never cheat. It was not in her character. I admired her traits and had know her over twenty years. I know her family well. And yet, she ad a 2+ year affair. I did not know her as I thought I did. Yes, overnight (Dday), she became a stranger to me and I am still struggling to learn who she is.

And so what are her suggestions to move away from walking over the same ground? What are her needs for ďhappinessĒ Ė or is she chasing rainbows and a perception of what happiness is?

She does not express any of this and I do not think she knows. I think WW is afraid, very afraid to discover and face who she is and what she wants.

It is not the place that has any issue, it is (was) the people

Yes, ats.. it is / was the people. Still it matters and the degree depends upon the location, the situation, and the WS actions post Dday. Some examples from my situation.
1. The restrauant where I confronted my WW (DDay 1) and she lied making up a false story that could not be verified at all and saying it was over. Our DD has requested some family meals there and I am able to go and not be distracted.
2. WW had sex with AP in our home on the sofa. That sofa is gone! I would not stand for a daily reminder of her betrayal.
3. During WW A, we visited her parents and WW went on a "girls night out with HS friends" while I stayed at her parents house with our kids. Post DDay 2, I found out that her AP was in the area and her night out was with him. We are going to visit her parents over thanksgiving and I refuse to stay at their house and will make alternate arrangements (hotel). WW is in a quandry about what to tell her parents as we have always stayed at thir house and I normally prefer this as it gives a more relaxed atmosphere. WW has never told her parents about her A and this is her problem to deal with as she sees fit.

WW could be (but is not) proactive in addressing the situation. Speak up and acknowledge the issue. Be remoresful / apolgize often. Make a planand share that plan with me on how she will try to makeup for this transgression and recommit to our M.

She wants it all to go away and be over. There have been a very few times she has reached out to support or comfort me. The times she did were like magic, and I have told her this.

Same here!

Conquering yourself is infinitely more important and of much higher value than conquering your spouse"

tryin.. spot on! Short, to the point.

fWH was notoriously like this until very recently. All of a sudden, he's very aware of triggery stuff, asking me how I am, all that. I hope that it lasts.

WYE.. that is great!

Best wishes that it continues.

Sigh. For me -- I can't say I will always stay married. I can say that my financial situation needs extreme improvement before I would feel comfortable divorcing. And I am working towards that goal. I'm very glad I saw the divorce attorney last month. I learned a lot about how to improve the financial situation in a way that benefits me the most.

m3.. good for you! One of the hardest things in my life is avoiding "shooting myself in the foot" over principle. Keep the big picture and your goals in mind as you proceed down a chosen path.

fWH is having a really hard time lately, lots of self-reflection and realizing the gravity of what has happened.

It's hard to watch him struggle so much, but at the same time I know that this could have all been avoided.

I find myself comforting him more these days, which just seems soooo ass backwards.


WYE.. yes, post DDay 1, WW was distracught and I was compassionate and consoled her. It was the right thing to do. Only she was still carrying on the A and lying to me! Now, I am compassionate towards her aboutthings other than the A (which she ignores) and sometimes wonder why I sould.

We don't have to settle. None of us do. It can be different, it can be better.

WYE.. you are so right, we do not have to settle. We make choices to D, R, or just stay M for other reasons. One of which is history tobether, sigh.

Based on WW and I relationship today (and I was single), there is no way I would ask her for another date much less marry her. But there is the history: the friendship we developed when we met. Our courship. Raising a family together. And the unique and enjoyable times we have spent together. That is why I am still giving R a chance. Though it is very hard for me right now.

Friday evening, WW took DD (who leaves for college this week) to a concert they both enjoyed. A great opportunity for mother / daughter bond growth and I encouraged the outing. On Saturday moring, WW and DSgot up (way to) early to go run with their respective traing clubs while I slept in. We met at breakfast, I gave her a good morning kiss and WW buried her head in a magazine, occassionally sharing something with DS, and shrugging off my attempts to engage her in conversation. WW then proceded with some paperwork so I began my weekend chores. That evening we went to a cocktail/dinnerparty together.

So this (Sunday) morning, I brought up the lack of affection and engagement. Her response, "really? I do not remember. It was not intential. These are busy times."

Sigh, whatever.

Best wishes to all.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c

I hear ya on that whole "I don't know if I'd even date this person now, let along marry them thing". There is something that just strips away everything you think you know about someone when they orchestrate lies like this.

I want to say that I know who my husband is. But I thought did...even when he was in it. Not only can I not trust him to be authentic, I have to call into question my ability to perceive his authenticity or lack thereof.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

w-y-e,

I have to call into question my ability to perceive his authenticity or lack thereof.

I suspect that you will get to the point where you will be able to perceive what is your reality with your WS. I know that I can make those perceptions now , and I suspect that h&c can too based on his line.

Based on WW and I relationship today (and I was single), there is no way I would ask her for another date much less marry her.

h&c, I really get that line. Neither FWW nor I are the people we were pre-dday, or even a year ago. However, just because we are better or healthier does not mean that we are better for each other, and I do not think either of us would have progressed to serious dating.

Some of the very aspects of FWW's personality that lead to our problems, and that she is working now to change, are part of what attracted me to FWW. Once upon a time, I thought it would be a good thing to be FWW's KISA. I thought it was a good thing that she clearly adored me. FWW thought I would make her happy ever after. We were both wrong, and I think our new sense of perceiving who we are and what we want (need) in a relationship is creating a chasm. Sadly, I do not see FWWís new perceptions and behavior traits leading to her being happier in her life, but the contrary.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:37 PM, August 27th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm angry today....not sure why. Just feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

Envy those who only have to deal with one affair or one encounter or even an affair "season " as they call it.

Those of us down here have to wrap our heads around years. Years.

Sometimes it just seems like it's too much. I know the hows and whys but it's never going to explain or justify how he could do this to me.

Sorry.... just in a bad place.

I think part of it is that I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for so long, assuming he'd do it gain, thinking he'd never get it. Now that's he's actually remorseful and trying I have to try and figure out where I go from here.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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