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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a 2yr affair with an old girlfriend of his. Said it was over and he didn't love her, he loved me. I then find out the day after our 8th wedding anniversary (which he forgot) that he was still seeing her a year later. It has been two months and I am still in Limbo and can't seem to function. I do everyday things, but the triggers are constantly driving me crazy. He can't see why I am where I am. He had 3 IC sessions and started reading "Not just Friends", but he just picks it up occasionally and reads a page or two and is now refusing IC again. This past weekend was DD#1 anniversary and I don't think it even dawned on him. I tried to talk to him the other night and he got very defensive after only a few minutes and wouldn't answer any of my questions. He would start to answer and then would hold back.He says all he can say is he is no longer seeing the OW, he is sorry he hurt me, and he is trying to make our marriage better. I don't see it that way. It's just like I found out about his affair last year over Labor day and he flew out to CA to see me where I was working. We had a fantastic weekend and then he flew home. It was after he got on the plane when the OW called and told me about them. My whole world fell apart. Now he still talks about what a wonderful time we had that weekend when we are with family and friends. I just want to forget the whole weekend, it sends off very bad triggers and he acts like he doesn't have a clue about what that weekend reminds me of. He is a rug sweeper and I know I should just end it now. His IC said he was a SA and when I try to discuss this with him, he clams up and just says he is no longer seeing the OW. I would suggest MC, but until he faces his own issues, we can't really work on us and it would be a waste of time. So here I am sitting in Limbo.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, where are all the fresh peoples coming from? Really sad.

0115, thank you for your compliment. I just calls 'em as I lives 'em...

TrustGone:

...he is sorry he hurt me, and he is trying to make our marriage better.

Then I suggest you TELL him how to make the M better. Tell him, and I would have 2 written lists; one for him and one to keep.

First, tell him there are no promises of it will work out to him, but if he wants you to stick around while he works on repairing his damage to the M, then give him your list of boundaries. things you NEED to feel safe remaining in the M while he works on fixing what he broke. Maybe you commit to put off D decision for 6 months if he complies with your boundaries. Use the 6 months to work on healing you and preparing resources if you need to leave.

Your boundaries could include items such as:

Continued NC.

Full transparency about where he is and what he does. Maybe activate gps on his phone so you can verify his phone is where he is supposed to be.

A written timeline of his A with the level of details you want within 2 weeks, 4 weeks, or whatever is reasonable to you.

Read Not Just Friends by Glass, Sexual Detours by Hines, Love Languages by Chapman and discuss them with you, explain to you how they apply to your M and his A. Feel free to add other books.

IC once a week, at least every 2 weeks, to figure out why he turned to an old GF. What need was he trying to fulfill so inappropriately? What skills can he learn to not repeat the behavior when those needs return?

STD testing before you and he have any more sex.

Supporting you exploring activities you want to do like exercising, classes, going out with friends.

Setting aside an hour a couple of times a week to answer your questions.

These are just a few quick ideas. There are many more in the healing library and in other posts.

I would suggest MC, but until he faces his own issues, we can't really work on us and it would be a waste of time.

Agreed

His IC said he was a SA...

If this is true, you should research what this means. Perhaps talk it over with an IC of your own (and an IC for the BS is always a good idea). Recovery from an A is hard. Recovery from a LTA is often harder just because of the number of betrayals. Recovery from SA is hard, even without infidelity. Very few (any?) of the people I have followed where SA was involved have had good outcomes. Some are still together, but at 3+ years out it is not much of a M or R.

You do not mention any children. Your WH sounds like he is rug sweeping rather than trying to own and fix a problem. I would think long and hard about what you want. How do you want to spend the next 3-5 years of your life? No matter what you decide, start to get your ducks in a row so you will have options if you get to the point that you know it is time to leave. Start saving some you money; contact an attorney for advice on your options.

So sorry you have to deal with this.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:10 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the new members of tribe.
Dont have anything to add but great advice from the long term members here.
Whether you choose to R or D remember to always look after yourself first.

Take care.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust...I am sorry you are here. I know hoe you feel. My wh is in ic and it has been incredibly important in the this ridiculously difficult process. What is your wh's reason for not wanting to go to ic? I think you are right...if he doesn't go you could be stuck in limbo for awhile. I too trigger all the time. My wh had a 7 year lta...I feel like I can't look back at any of our marriage and find a happy memory at this point. I guess I just wanted you to know I feel your pain.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone,

Actually, In your case I would file for a divorce. I'd do it Katie Holmes style too, where he get the papers while he's away at work or somewhere else and when he gets home you're 100% already gone, and when he tries to call you all he gets is a text that says everything can go through the lawyer if there is something in the papers he doesn't understand. Then crickets.

Here's my reason: it's the second Dday, and with the same person. And he's not remorseful or really doing anything other than trying to figure out how long he's got to hunker down for again THIS time...

Somewhere along the way he's sized you up and decided that he can do whatever he wants and you'll always be there. You're the fallback girl. If he's right, then I suggest eliminating ALL efforts to talk about the A or get through to him or monitor him in any way and work on yourself. Tell him that you've got a lot more going on in your life than whatever HIS problem is that leads him to be fidelity-challenged and you don't have time to decide what to do about his onging A right now, and that you're going to hit the "pause" button and put him in the friend zone until you can clear some time to make some intelligent decisions. Do a hard 180, get your own sleeping space, your own bank account and treat him like a roommate and take yourself to IC until you figure out where you want to be and what that will mean for you.

That's my take on it.

I am very sorry. It's extremely hurtful. Please take good care of yourself physically. It will help. I have been amazed by the powers of healthy food, walks, bubble baths, good haircuts and mani-pedis over the last nearly 3 years.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good golly miss molly! It is a invasion of the newbies! Congratulation to the LTA recruiter whoever you are. Good job.

Now that I have that out of my system welcome to all the newbies. This LTA house is a good place with a lot of great people. Don't be afraid to ask any question or to tell everyone what is going on in your head. It helps and is good for you.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
navymom1
♀ Member
Member # 36007
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I talked to WH yesterday and explainded to him that I dont feel he is remorseful and that he is living in a fantasyland where none of this ever happened while I am suffering daily! I told him that I think it is best if we move on! After all was said he said nothing acted like I never even talked to him, ignored me once again and acted like all was well! WTH I honestly think he has problems ! I have detached over the past month and am now getting my ducks in a row to move on ! The best is he hasnt even noticed I have detached ! Benn 180 too doesnt faze him in his lala land ! MC doesnt seem to help he dont read papers mc gives , doesnt attempt to work on issues MC tells him too ! Anyone have any takes on this? Anything would be appreciated

[This message edited by navymom1 at 10:33 AM, September 7th (Friday)]



Me-40
WS-42
Married 1995
DDay# 1995
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....

I forgive people, but that


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: New Jersey
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About those memories during the A...

First post here in a while.

Thanks to those above who opined about one's memories during the A and their authenticity.

This is what I struggle with the most. The duration of the A and its affect on my memories. Because it was long distance and she only saw him 4 times over 2.5 years, my WW said that she did not think that the communication via phone or text once/twice a week was really causing any damage. She of course knows differently now.

So about those memories of what we did together, what do I keep? Was she wishing I was him?

BONUS Q: She kept a journal throughout. She is willing to share it. Do I want to read it/ hear it? Would that help? The journal is put away, but my WW seems to think that it will chronicle her torment over A not complete bliss with OM...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC Jack,
That may be one of the most difficult choices I have ever heard of...part of me would want to read that so badly. And another would be scared to death, as I am already tortured by details/mind movies. I wish I had some advice to give. I even thought maybe try one page and see how it goes, but if you are anything like me, I wouldn't be able to stop no matter how much it hurt. You may want to just think about where you are right now in your M. If you are in a better place, maybe it isn't worth it. But I know how you feel about your memories. I have a difficult time even looking at pictures of my own children at the moment.

On a completely different note...there is a thread in the reconciliation forum about ever feeling special again. I'm wondering from you...who understand the damage of LTA, did you ever feel special again? My H tries hard to make me feel that way, but at the moment, nothing is breaking through this anger.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MCJack,
She of course knows differently now.
<snip>
BONUS Q: She kept a journal throughout. She is willing to share it. Do I want to read it/ hear it? Would that help?

The journal would show you what the WW thought and felt. What she wanted to see reflected from her AP. As you posted, that was what she thought then, not now.

If you are both working on R, she is identifying and owning her issues, then it is no longer relevant. If you are not working towards R it does not matter either, because it still was fantasy.

She was not wishing you were him, she was wishing she was the person she was pretending to be in her A. I thought that if I had an A I would think about my FWW a lot, compare her. I understand now that I was not a part of the relationship. They both minimized my concern, and that of the OBS. They assumed I knew and was OK with the A.

I am at the point where I accept my thoughts and feelings during her A as legitimet. Real. Mine. It is FWW’s memories over the years that are false and warrant reflection. When I was mad at her I was mad, and when I was trying my best to be who she wanted and needed that was real too. I also believe that when WW and I had good times, even when she met and had sex with OM the day before or after, we were generally having a good time.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 5:59 PM, September 7th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm not sure what I'd do with a journal.

I know that I went back and read and re-read those horrible emails over and over again. They were just with OW2.

He deleted every shred of evidence of communication with OW1 (the LTA). I know that if I had it, I would read it. I also know that it would rip me to shreds all over again.

If she is really making progress, I agree that whatever she felt back then means nothing. It wasn't real, it existed in a vacuum, it was foggy and messed up.

Maybe you guys could burn it together as a message to each other that everything that is in there is a lie? I don't know.

I know I'd read it, so I can't very well tell you not to. But I have a hard time seeing how anything good could come of it (unless there are things she still isn't telling you and you feel like you have to know in order to move forward).


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to all the newbies. The LTA tribe are wonderful people.

I wish I could give more insight and help at this time.

NPD just went in for a stress test for the heart and an angiogram and now has to have a triple bypass heart surgery.

He had been here for a couple of weeks, and phone records show that he calls OW every day , several times a day adding up to about an hour.

So today, we're at the hospital getting the angiogram, and we find out that he needs this triple bypass heart surgery. I walk in on him calling OW and talking to OC aged 9. NPD is crying because OC is upset and was crying because he needs surgery. He tells me he's upset because the OCs are so young, and then pauses and says OUR DS's are young too.

I said< "I'm sorry that that she and they are not here for you."

I felt like such a selfish person for saying this at this time.

He said, no, I want you here blah blah blah. I love you, blah blah blah.

I'm sorry, I'm venting, and running off on emotions. He just needs me now, bastard.

I'm so conflicted with emotions. NPD was supposed to fly back tomorrow and the doctor said that if he had, he could have had a massive heart attack and died.

On one hand, I actually wanted that, isn't that terrible????

God forgive me.

I still love the bastard. So what did I do? I comforted him.

I hate myself and him and love him too.

So, he will have to wait until Wed for the operation and then be there for a week, and then recover here for about 6 weeks. So, I'm going to get him ready so he can go back to her and them?

I'm so sorry, for venting here and not helping everyone.

I'm about ready to give up.

Love to you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a limited relationship. Once it had grown to a certain point, it had nowhere else to go. And so, like a plant, it became pot-bound. It was never going to be healthy wherever it was planted.

That is wonderfully put UKgirl and very apt.

2 Questions please.

I am curious about telling the kids and what you others did.

Our 23 year old daughter knows but not who the PAs were with (she may have guessed), although she knows both woman. We all knew them - even had them over for meals a few times. Our sons are 15 and 17. We haven't told either of them but although they are pretty self-involved teens I think they can't be unaware that we are having issues.

Do you think it is better to have it out in the open or not? I have read several books on infidelity and some talk of sons learning this pattern of behaviour from their fathers - scares the sh*t out of me.

At present (ie today anyway)I really feel I don't have the energy to do this ie work on the marriage. I live with a feeling of distrust, the knowledge of the enormity and length of his lies and deceit somehow just saps my energy.
How do you manage this? Are there any strategies so I have the energy and momentum to push forward?


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 21 - 23 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BONUS Q: She kept a journal throughout. She is willing to share it. Do I want to read it/ hear it? Would that help? The journal is put away, but my WW seems to think that it will chronicle her torment over A not complete bliss with OM...
Stepping in – this jumped out at me. I had the pleasure of fWH giving me his Dreaming Visions “poetry” (don’t ask!!) as a present the first Christmas after d-day (5mths). Huge mistake. As in so huge I cannot image what he thought I would get from it. I have no idea what he was trying to say or what emotion he was hoping to evoke. It was the worst thing he could have done. He should have destroyed it, not wrapped it up and given it to me. It was full of his angst, his torment, his turmoil, his depression, his black thoughts and periods when he was in a deep void. I just got angry because this was ALL HIS OWN FAULT!! HIS choices and HIS decision to have an affair. If he seeking understanding or (God forbid) compassion, he was sorely mistaken. All I could see was HER, his selfishness and a total disregard for me – other than the “what if” should I find out – that’s “what if” happening to HIM, not me. If there was any concern about me, it was how it would rebound on him. I read fear, but also no desire to finish it. I read pleasure and guilty pleasure. I read arrogance and smugness. This was not what he had intended.

Your WW was writing her journal in the now. She was also writing for it to be read. The way YOU read it will not be the way she wants you to read it. It will give you more questions than answers and it may (if you’re like me) send you down the forensic route to find every detail you can to get something more truthful than you think she is giving you.

I am saying dangerous ground. Personally, I think she should have destroyed it all on d-day. If she still has it, why does she still have it? I think that is a much deeper issue.

avicarswife - I never told my kids. I suspect they have an idea, I'm pretty sure DS17 does know anyway, but maybe not exactly what it was all about, who with or for how long. His world is intact and that's all that matters. I may tell the others some day, if I think it's relevant. Or if i decide to call it a day on my marriage.

As for lack of energy (or anything really), don't worry. It's normal to feel a sense of inertia and just let things roll over you. Do what you need for you right now.

Sorry folks - no time to read further and so will catch up with y'all after the weekend.

Hugs to newbies and oldies alike. (((((Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a vicars wife-
I told both of my children about my FWH's LTA but they were in their early 20's at the time.

I was a total mess and had to give an explanation as to what was going on.... especially since I had kicked their father out of the house.

So, I guess I would have told my kids even if they were younger.

I actually told everyone.

I think I'm the biggest blabbermouth on the LTA forum in terms of how many people know about my FWH's.

I told friends, family, co-workers,his boss, MOW's husband,my hair dresser, manicurist....

Most everyone has been very supportive of our reconciliation.
And, surprisingly, it helped me to begin to have a renewed respect for my FWH in terms of watching how he dealt with the fallout from d-day.

He contacted various family members and spoke to our children, apologized, has tried to make amends to all.

Honest- You are an amazingly kind and patient woman.
To show your skunk of a WH such care is amazing.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the opinions RE: my wife's journal and reading it.

Actually there is more than one - there are several going back years way before the A ever happened through the affair. Maybe 10+ years worth..

We both decided 1 month past dday that they should all be banished out of the house as I would be tempted to read them. So she sent them all away to a friends house I believe. Every trace of a journal from our whole 19 years together sent away.

I have two motivations:

1. look at several years of her pain etc. in the several years preceding the A. I have a lot to apologize for myself and witnessing her pain would be my way of earning her forgiveness and setting an example.

2. During the last several months of the A after I had re-engaged the M, I for some reason am searching for something. Some answer. Some validation that testifies that she was tormented and even questions her own sanity and her ability to battle an addiction (how she describes it). That at some point she knew it was evil and was trying to extract herself, and that it was not rainbows and ponies. Indeed, she and OM only talked for 5 to 6 hours total for the 5 months. Otherwise just texting as I have said.

I would just ask her to read stuff to me that was helpful and leave the crap out.

Still trying to figure out what I am looking for though.

To Teach8's question about feeling special, I am only 6 months out. But there are times that I do feel special. The tough love answer is that feeling special comes from you not validation from your WS. I can say that my WW treats me special now like nobody's business. She is overjoyed to find out how much I love her. Unlike many BSs here for whom I have sympathy, I am one who gave my WW every reason to believe that I did not care about her at all. That is part of the work I need to do on myself. But, I can't help it, I do feel like the 2nd most special person (after OM) sometimes. I know during the A, I shared equal billing, meaning the reality sitting side by side with the fantasy. Which in some ways meant I was not special as a lot was invested in a fantasy. My WW was never going to leave me as the OM was never available. So this LTA was some type of escape with once a year meetings and lots of texting. Kinda sad, but I do understand where she was at. Where she thought this was going I have no idea. I can painfully see how this could have gone on for many, many years. The A fit into my M like a text message slips into the work day. It just fits it. The only way the A was going to end is if my WW had completely self-destructed and had a melt down. She sadly was on her way.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:43 PM, September 8th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC Jack, thank you for your response. I do know that you are right about feeling special. I have to feel that way for myself. I get that intellectually and I'm trying to explain it to my heart. It does help the wh is very remorseful and does seem sincere in committing to R. Somedays I am just overwhelmed with sadness and anger that someone else was his priority for so long. My wh and his ow spent tons of time at work together. It is hard to digest the fact that she got the best of him and I got the leftovers. I know I have to start dealing with these feelings more or at least more constructively if I really do want to R. Being here among this incredible tribe helps. So thank you all.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8:

This borrows from what I read here on a post.

Did the OW really get the "best " of your H? Or just a piece of the overall pie. Meaning, if she only got a piece, it might have just been that piece not the best one. And not the whole pie.

Plus, was your WH conflicted? He knew what he was doing was wrong. And guilt is a barrier to intimacy. Indeed an A is an overall flight from real intimacy. So what did OW get?

In my case, it is probable that OM got to be with a woman who was desperate, fucked up, and guilt ridden. She gave herself to him in desperation and loneliness. I can say that what I have today is so far better than that. A whole person, not fractured, and not holding back much.

That's how you look at it rationally. The rational view is closest to the right view. My feelings do not always catch up.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 1:14 PM, September 8th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

He just needs me now, bastard.

So?

Where was he when you needed him to be faithful, honest, to work with you on securing permanent funding for you and your DSs?

For years, there have been things you wanted, needed from him. He minimized your feelings, blew you off, lied.

Now he needs support....

Quid quo pro

Maybe some quick legal documents to assure you always have rights and access to the martial resources. What can he offer you in response to you setting your life aside for him?

BTW, 6 weeks is optimistic.

You owe him nothing beyond what you want to offer him.

@#$% #$%$# @#$$%%%^!

Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now AHUMMMMMMMMM...

((honesttoafault))

avicarswife,

I am curious about telling the kids and what you others did.

FWW told her DDs while she was having the As! She thought they would be happy for her. One DD did try to tip me off and FWW went ballistic. FWW also told her sister. All of these people were at my house during the A's and only younger DD (my stepdaughter since age 10) said anything to me.

As for our DS's, youngest has been here through it all, and he is very smart. I am sure he has it figured out. Older DS was here for part of the first year, then gone to college. I suspect that DDs have talked with the DSs even if they have not figured it out.

Do you think it is better to have it out in the open or not?

Better out in the open. It took too long, but FWW apologized in front of me to family members who knew. She apologized for putting them in difficult positions and for blaming me for everything bad. The A's were not specifically mentioned.

As for me, a small victory in my healing. FWW is on the same trip to visit her younger DD that she was 2 years and 11 months ago. It was stexting she did on that trip to her BIL that alerted me and provided the leverage to get her to confess. During this trip she "disappeared" from me for half a day. It was all OK. I am OK. This trip was a big trigger for me for a few reasons (FWW and I spoke of this) and I am OK. FWW has a rough life, her family are all ... difficult.. I know now I cannot rescue her, it is her shit to deal with.

Dip, you probably should take my grill tongs. My grill is in desperate need of some repair work (one leg/wheel rusted off, iginiter broken), but I was working on the boat instead today.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Cool  Posted: 5:56 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
Time to go totally out of your comfort zone. Use NPD's karmic heart problems to get what you desreve from him.SOMEONE out there is looking out for you, giving you this opportunity to get your ducks in line. Take the gift. Borrow some bitch boots if you have to and get that sorry bastard to sign legal documents that will get him the f*ck out of your life for good. Seriously. Get to a lawyer's office, say you've got the bastard where you want him and put me on speakerphone. I will give you all my fierce and take more on loan if I have to. Honest... seriously... this is a f*cking gift. Use it. Call me if you waver. I AM SERIOUS.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

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