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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,
MOW hasn’t looked at his Linkedin since last Sunday night. Not obviously and leaving her name anyway. I hope she’s crawled back under her rock. I do wonder if her BH has left her. She did think fWH would leave me for her. That what they had was rock solid and was meant to be. I can only assume that she was desperately unhappy when fWH came flying in on his white charger and she is still unhappy now for whatever reason. I don’t know why, her husband seemed perfectly nice, she has a great career – interesting and diverse – three successful children with two in Australia, has other family nearby, she’s fit and healthy and it would seem the only thing missing is - Mr UKg!

Not very good yesterday. fWH said on Wednesday evening that he had booked a table at a place we haven’t been to for nearly 7yrs. The last time was on his 50th birthday, at the end of a complicated time with him juggling me, our 25th anni, holiday and MOW. He was with her (overnighters) quite a lot during that time. So choosing that restaurant was NOT a good idea. It also proved he hasn’t read the document, otherwise he would know how I felt and he would never have booked to go out. So he got the hump and said if I didn’t want to go out, I’d better cancel the table, which I did. Yesterday morning, I opened the two cards from our parents and told him they were on the kitchen table, should either his Mum or mine ring then he could say yes, nice card, thanks. He made some caustic comment about me throwing them straight in the bin. I said he could do it after he had seen them and went out for the day. Last night we went out for a drink at the pub and then got a takeaway. I was so wound up yesterday that I woke at 3am with a stonking headache which I still have, along with a stiff neck purely due to stress of how HE has been towards me when he has no right to impose a day that was a total LIE on me. Of course, he says it means something to him and he wants to acknowledge it as an anniversary. That’s fine, but don’t involve ME!! I think of it as a day to forget. Of course, he can’t come up with a new day, or suggest anything else, so he just gets pissy instead.

What would it take? A bit of understanding would help. As would talking. As would doing me the courtesy of reading the document, that reveal of my soul. I have given him something special, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate that. I shall take it back soon and shred it. I know he hasn’t read it because he hasn’t challenged me on anything written there. And there are some stand out statements that should make him say “Whoa – what’s that about?”

********
Honest, I hope you are finding yourself in a better place and can stand back from NPD, his health dramas and his stupid ideas of one big happy polygamous family.

********

the brain will "make up" a story to explain the unexplainable or something that it is unwilling to address.
That's a statement of the obvious in both WS and BS. Sadly.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t know why, her husband seemed perfectly nice, she has a great career – interesting and diverse – three successful children with two in Australia, has other family nearby, she’s fit and healthy and it would seem the only thing missing is - Mr UKg!

UKgirl, if this were rewritten to be 4 children, two in different states it would be true of FWW. Yet she was very unhappy. She looked to OM for the fun she deserved, and she loved how she felt with them. Powerful, intelligent, attractive.... With most men she flirted so they would like her.

And there are some stand out statements that should make him say “Whoa – what’s that about?”

Not saying Mr. UKg is the same as FWW, but anything that might lead you or I to say whoa and begin a dialogue is more likely to cause her to feel shame and withdraw. When I do press the issue of what I want or how I feel she resents it, and recently called me a narcissist.

You and I have reached the points with our WSs where they feel the lives we lead with them is preferrable to facing their past and selves in order to finish slaying the ghost that haunts us.

ETA:

I just completed reading a book, Incognito: Secrets of the Brain, written by a nueroscientist.

H&C, when I read this I could not help but think of Pinky and the Brain.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:41 AM, September 21st (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.

It sounds like you need to get your narcissistic ass out on the boat and/or do some serious grilling.

Deep.

Peri-peri sauce! You are a fancy griller. I need to try that sometime.

H&C

Thanks for the book tip. I will put that one on my to read list. I have alway been interested in things like that.

Honest.

How is it going?

Ukgirl.

Why the OW in your case did what she did. Like most all WSs she is crazy. That and because she could. All of them are stupid fucktards.. BTW, chicken and peri-peri sauce sounds like something you would cook.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I am going to cut and paste and print everyone's advice.

Tryn: Thank you for your post. Although I don't agree with everything (like befriending OW) one thing that I noticed that you repeated and I will do is:

I CHOOSE.....

That is a very empowering statement.

It takes me out of "victim mode"

One of the main things about abuse (for me it's emotional abuse) is that the abuser tends to isolate his/her victim. If all you are hearing is the abuser's ideas, you question yourself, especially if the abuser is intelligent and is a good actor and knows how to "act" like they care and can twist and turn words and emotions.

That's why I can't thank everyone here enough to give me reality checks that I need. I try so hard to do it myself, but always end up questioning myself.

Update for NPD: he got an infection in the hospital (totally unrelated to his heart) and now is home on IV antibiotics for a MONTH So the bypass surgery is postponed for the time being.

God help me.

{{{{{UKgirl}}}}
You really need to sit down with FWH and tell him that you do NOT want to celebrate anniversary any longer. Perhaps you guys can choose a new date when you decided to give a new marriage a try?
Tell him that when he finishes reading the papers you gave him and he responds and then have a honest discussion and/or go to MC for a while, then you might pick a date to celebrate.

As for that idiot OW, I would keep on eye on that. I don't think your WH is contacting her, but she is prowling and unless your WH has learned to put firm boundaries in his life, he might get curious himself.

Is there any way that OW can be blocked from the account? I know you can put privacy stuff on Facebook, can it be done on Linkedn?

Take care of yourself physically UKgirl. Stress causes so many symptoms!

Dip: good to see you!

H&C: Good recommendation for the book. I'll have to look into it.

M3: I liked what you said. Independence.....I once feared it, but now am becoming more and more acclimated to the idea

Ats: give us an update with how it's going with you. I hope the new job is good.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would it take? A bit of understanding would help. As would talking. As would doing me the courtesy of reading the document, that reveal of my soul. I have given him something special, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate that. I shall take it back soon and shred it.

UKG - First let me ask you not to shred this. If you feel you need to take it back, then do that but keep it. It is a "reveal of {your} soul."

When reading your post today UKG, I kept thinking of the book, "The Five Love Languages." It seems so obvious to me that your H is working from his own understanding of what love is and hasn't made that leap of trying to love you in the language that you need to truly feel loved.

There is a quote in the final chapter of the book that I think if I were in your position might be something I would use to begin a conversation with him. I would begin by asking him to agree or disagree with the following statement (p.145):
"I'm sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language." I can't imagine how hurt you have been by his not reading something so deeply revealing. You have put yourself out there and exposed your vulnerability and by his fear of not wanting to read something that feels like rejection to him, you feel he has rejected you. (At least this is what I'm hearing when I read your posts.) You have offered this very personal document, which I can only imagine was somewhat of a risk for you, and he failed to see it as an act of love from you. Instead his fear has crippled him and hurt you.

I think too that what he tried to do was possibly very risky for him. He wanted to "celebrate" your Anniversary knowing he might be rejected. He must know how you feel about this day afterall this isn't the first time you have told him this day is a lie. But still he tried because I think in his own mixed up way, he is trying to prove to you that your M is very important to him and something he genuinely feels is worthy of celebration. He even went the extra mile and actually made the reservations himself (something you've criticized him in the past for not doing) . I agree UKG that he got it all wrong, especially with the choice of the restaurant, but I can't help but believe that he was really trying to express his love to you and then got hurt and frustrated when you rejected his gesture.

Back when my H and I were in MC'ing and my H asked me what he could do to help me through the recovery process I told him to read this book. It is the edition written for men.
He did this and together we went over a good portion of the book and learned a few things about each others "love language." It helped us to both look at what each was offering to the other and not be offended or hurt but really understand the message behind the gesture.

I'm sorry to go on and on but I know from your many posts that you love your H and I believe he loves you very much too. You have acknowledged many times that you "like him well enough" and enjoy the life the two of you share. Isn't there a way that you can gently and calmly tell him how hurt you are by his not reading your document? Have you done this? I know it means making yourself vulnerable again to him but, IMHO, it is too important to you to let this opportunity to mend your soul go by.
((((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update for NPD: he got an infection in the hospital (totally unrelated to his heart) and now is home on IV antibiotics for a MONTH So the bypass surgery is postponed for the time being.

God help me.


Oh good Lord, Honest. I can't imagine the stress on you. What about the situation with the OW & OC? Are they still planning to come over?

Vent here often and let us know how we can help. You stated that Tryn's "I Choose" was very empowering. Maybe it would help to make a list and post it here.

I wish you strength and most of all the means to find peace in this trying situation.
(((Honest)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Thank you for your post. Although I don't agree with everything (like befriending OW) one thing that I noticed that you repeated

GOOD.. Because that is your choice... New attitude! You don't need him for any emotional stuff.

Thoughts come before feelings.

You adopt this attitude and before long you just won't care.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FnF: Don't know what NPD is planning right now with OW and OC's. I just know I don't trust him.

Tryn: Thank you. Thinking comes first. Fake it till you make it

But, it's still soooo hard and I am beyond stressed.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just know I don't trust him.
honest, this is what you have to live by. Trust yourself, trust your boys – heck, trust OW even. Him? No. So the best thing you can do is DETACH. Please keep to the 180, the version that keeps you in a protected place emotionally while safeguarding your financial position. And, whenever possible, stash away or add to your own funds. Is it possible to ask one of your older boys to hold a savings account for you?

And yes, fake it till you make it. Take all his NPD traits and big them up. He is NOT a nice person. Any niceness comes from a selfish starting point because he wants something from you. Deal with him in a perfunctory way. A nurse, a carer, a cook, a home help. Be nothing more because to be so is to put yourself in harm’s way. Big hugs (((((honest)))))
********

FNF – you’re right. I know you’re right. Maybe we are both passive/aggressive or perhaps he just doesn’t want to know how I really feel, that unhealed wound deep inside, the lack of trust that is now permanent, the loss of so much and the possibility that he made mistake after mistake by choosing to stay with me instead of leaving on all the numerous occasions he could/should have.

His love language is physical touch (10) followed by quality time (7). Gifts scored nil. Mine was equal physical touch and words of affirmation (8), gifts scored one. So we are pretty much the same in our requirements. Which explains why the deepest hurt is to withdraw physically and verbally and/or to disappear for the day. I don’t know if doing the assessment has helped or not.

I asked him a question he has avoided – when he first saw MOW on Linkedin. He said 6-9mths ago, he wasn’t sure, earlier this year. I first saw her on there Aug last year. I was monitoring her monthly (that’s cranked up lately….. ) and she was there until May when she disappeared. Then I spotted her name in our computer history in June and that’s when it blew up - him withholding information again. Lying by omission, I call it. I still have no idea if he contacted her, if she was just fishing, if she knows he viewed her profile, if they have met because whatever he says, I don’t quite believe him anyway. There is this element of doubt because he hasn’t been open and honest with me in the way he should have been.

He avoided another question: was there anything in the document he would like to challenge me on? He hummed and hawed and said “well, at some point I will……….” >>> [fade look away and appear interested in something on his computer screen] I just kept looking at him and waited. He glanced at me and added he would go over it again, but that I had formed my opinions and anything he said wasn’t going to change that. Really? So……. he hasn’t read it. But he has implied he has, so quite what that means, I don’t know. Guilt? I shall tell him that he doesn’t have to read it, but if he isn’t going to then he should get rid of it. Leaving it lying around openly in a box of papers isn’t a good idea. As I type, he has surreptitiously checked it is still there. LOL!

Okay, it is DS17's 18th birthday today! So he is now officially an adult! He wants to come out for dinner with us tonight and has asked to go to our usual Italian for - steak and chips! Oh, and a legal beer at the pub on the way. He had a little Skype with DS27 & DS26 in NZ who told him to grow up and get a haircut Yeh, my littlest is all growed up.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:07 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl-

It sounds like you and your WH are at an impasse and if things don't change drastically...then this is what you can expect of your lives for the next 20- 30+ yrs.....
a kind of ...'meh'....so/so existence...

IMHO it's time to rock his world and yours... to shake things up and get to the bottom of things once and for all.

Get everything out....put everything on the table....
and then start fresh...with new rules, new parameters..

you cannot truly begin healing your marriage until you feel confident that you have all of the information as to what happened, how he felt about things then....how he feels about things now...how remorseful he is...and how willing he is to do what YOU need to try to start again.

The OW in your case intruded on your marriage for many years...she helped create an environment where he was not 100% 'in' the marriage.

He had compartments...you, the house, the children were his real life...and then he had this fantasy escape with a very aggressive MOW that blew smoke up his arse and told him what he wanted to hear....

for my FWH the affair was not about romance..it was about a very sexual fantasy world...and his MOW was an expert at creating such a world because she had done this many times before....
there was never an intrusion of the real world into any of their interactions....

she was even clever enough to start the 'game' early on of using only nicknames for each other....
often referring to my FWH as a rock star....

so in effect the screwed up message was.... my every day middle aged accountant type hubby was not having an affair with this very kinky married woman....
it was his other persona-his rock star alter ego that would have these wild disgusting email interactions and hookups....
and then..he would go back to his everyday life and back to his old self.

My FWH did recognize that alcohol had played a huge role in allowing him to become more and more toxic over the years (even before the LTA began)...
and he became very serious about changing after d-day.

He wanted to save the marriage and change his life and make amends to me and to our children....

That's what's got to happen for your husband. He needs to have that lightbulb moment.
And say to himself...OK..this was the road we were on....this was my role in it....
I drove this marriage into the ground..I disrespected my wife, my marriage, I took everything for granted....
I realize the error of my ways and I desperately want to have a different life, a better life.

What do you think that you would need to say or do to get him to that point?
to 'wake him up'?

It sounds now like there might be some passive aggressive things going on....

One other thing...
I don't think that if the FWS does something because the WS suggests it or insists upon it...that the action or gesture is necessarily not as valuable or helpful...

case in point.... recomittment or vow renewal ceremonies....
or buying new rings etc.

I often read on SI how many BS are waiting for the WS to suggest this or take the lead on this and it creates a lot of angst, stress, and anxiety because its not happening.

I think sometimes the WS doesn't 'know' where to begin to help heal the marriage.
Or is confused as to what will trigger the BS....
and other times they just do not have that type of personality.

In my case...I suggested the recomitment ceremony and I insisted on the new rings.
I needed a new beginning and I needed some kind of ceremony (from him) to mark this new beginning.

After I suggested it he was very much on board with it all.
And we went to the jewelry store together to buy the rings.
He wrote a very heartfelt speech for the ceremony.

And...even though..it was my idea and not his... I think it was very valuable and important.
I did not focus on the fact that it was my idea.

The end result was what counted.

I do not think that he would have had the nerve or the imagination (at that point post d-day) to have suggested any of these things.

I think the same thing is true for the celebration of anniversaries, birthdays, other events...most WS do not know how to handle them unless the BS gives them some ideas as to what might work best.

I agree with FNF... I do think that deep down...there is a lot of love between you and your WH.
But a LTA creates such a mess and so much damage its hard to get back on track again.

I think that the fact that the LTA went on for so long and the WS never asked for a divorce is because they did not want end the marriage.
And...they really did NOT want to have a real life relationship with the affair partner.

sorry this is so long...I'm rambling again...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you cannot truly begin healing your marriage until you feel confident that you have all of the information as to what happened, how he felt about things then....how he feels about things now...how remorseful he is...and how willing he is to do what YOU need to try to start again.
The crux of the problem has to be his TTing for 2yrs (and more) and his continued lying, mostly by omission. Since I pulled him on viewing MOW on Linkedin (still says he didn’t…..) then pulled him again two or three times about not telling me she was on his “who’s viewed you” listing, he has left the screen to show me for the last couple of weeks. After about a month of telling him he should be open with me, the penny (haha) finally dropped. But dropped probably only for this issue.

I suspect if she were to send him a letter or an email at work or bump into him in the street, he would keep schtum. I just don’t trust him to tell me things. One of his excuses for the affair going on for so long was that I never asked him if he was having an affair! IOW, he wasn't really lying to me....

So he says what he says and it is what it is. I neither believe nor disbelieve him. I still say if he tells me it’s raining, I’ll look out the window to check and I can’t see that changing.

What do you think that you would need to say or do to get him to that point?
to 'wake him up'?
I have no idea. I seem to have tried everything and he just avoids anything that he thinks might lead to conflict or confrontation. The document being a prime example.


case in point.... recomittment or vow renewal ceremonies....
or buying new rings etc.

Did that. Well, he/we bought a ring for him. He had never worn a wedding band. Then I met with MOW who had commented on his lack of a ring – he said he’d wear one for her. Okay, fantasy. But the fact is he only wore that ring for the weekend of my parents’ diamond wedding anniversary. Three days. It’s been in a box in a drawer since and nothing has been discussed other than him saying "I'll wear it when you wear yours". I suggested recommitment and it washed over him. Blanked. Nothing. A case of leading a horse to water, but I’m not going to ram a hose down his throat.

I did not focus on the fact that it was my idea.

I wouldn’t mind either. But he has turned away, I think in the hope that we could go back to how we were without any drama, or anything that would mark a moment or have him say something to me that he found so easy to say to MOW. He just can’t do that with me. Sadly.

I need a new anniversary. They had theirs (Valentines Day….. and that explained why we never “did” VDay) and he wants us to keep 20th Sept, probably because it took him about 25yrs to actually remember the date. So yes, an impasse. Perhaps I should give him the responsibility to break it. But he never wants to fight his corner, he just retreats and frankly, that doesn’t help, that passivity to the point of just lying down and refusing to partake, hands over his ears, shuts his eyes, hums loudly and waits until he thinks the whole ugly thing has gone and it’s safe to come out. KWIM?

And that’s my rambling over. Just getting it out. Nothing’s going to change until there is another catalyst. Something major. I’m off to the LTA bar to take my mind off what are quite trivial complaints.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:03 PM, September 24th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl-

I'm sorry that your fWH is continuing to break your heart.

I wonder if these WS realize that their continued lack of enthusiasm, resistance about discussing the affair, unwillingness to work hard on saving the marriage and make amends...
all of those things continue to hurt the BS every single day?

Ending the affair is not enough.

The WS has to really work overtime to try to win their spouse back.

And even then...some BS cannot bring themselves to forgive and reconcile.

But, when you have a WS that is very passive,continues to lie and hide things, and is not passionate about reconciling...well, then..you get a BS that is very uncertain about reconciliation.

Reconciling after a LTA is extremely hard work.

It was really hard for me even though I had a FWH that was very remorseful and very much on board with doing anything he could to save the marriage.

If he was less enthusiastic and less motivated I could not have done it.

I'm sorry that your fWH is not being the husband that you deserve!
What he doesn't realize is that if he stepped up his game and made a real effort to win you back ....then you would be happier and so would he!



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he doesn't realize is that if he stepped up his game and made a real effort to win you back ....then you would be happier and so would he!

Amen, but then our FWSs must be happy enough or the would push for change, either fighting for the relationship or D.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.. No faking it IMO. This is real… You give him permission to have a relationship with whoever he wants. You are OK with it. BE OK with it. It starts with you making that choice. I am OK with him having another wife. He is not longer my H in that way any more. If someone ask you about his other wife, “His culture belief system says a man can have 2 wives. I am only in my M because he provides.” You say it, believe it, and are OK with it. Don’t allow your ego to interfere. So what, you do not concern yourself with what other may think or say. This was the decision You made for now.

Until you are ready to have a relationship that is like a traditional marriage, this is the way it is and you are OK with it. No, it is not the way you envisioned your life, but it is your life.

When you finally decide and believe it is Ok for him to have his other wife, you won’t care. If you don’t care, you will not feel pain.

My dd’s boyfriend’s mother will undergo major surgery this morning and her life is at stake. She could die. I care for both my dd in a way emotionally that I don’t care for her Boyfriends mother. Should she die, I might cry, I might have some feelings but nothing like the mental pain I would have should my DD had died. This is life.

Your responsibility if to protect your son… that is all.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned something about life as I mature.

We had spouses that are failed us. Likely this was because FOO and/or maybe even our own FOO issues. It should not matter what was, we need to change and be a different person.

We must empower ourselves to protect our own happiness.

The power in any relationship is with the one who emotionally cares less about that relationship. Too much value is placed on that other person. That other person makes choices we cannot control.

Te focus should always be on ME. I will be a nice person, I will forgive, I fill every need for those I choose to love, I will know right and wrong, I will not accept wrong behaviors and HAVE the courage to conflict should bad behaviors come my way. The consequences of any bad behaviors will be that person will no longer be a part of my happy world. I will make known my EXPECATIONS by saying what I want. I accept pain will be part of life and that life does not go according to plan.

Seems so easy, but our fears always interfere.

UK.. how hard is it to say.. “H, I want a romantic marriage” and I don’t mean sex… and then just leave it at that. Don’t you want to live a life trusting, not having to worry about what will happen in a marriage where fear of that OW looking at his profile?

How hard is it to just know you can be blessed with a man who wants to be romantic to you?

You don’t see it, but a man 1000’s of miles away from you can see it…. I see your beautiful body, your beautiful mind, your beauty within. This is very attractive. What is not attractive is your lack of courage. What scares you? A man living so close may be looking for a woman like you and be blessed to have you. You give your H way too much power. Stop waiting and be courageous.

You can do this.

You can also just start loving your H to the fullest. What is done is history. You can be the woman who is direct to your H. You can be the leader and lead your H to the kind of marriage you want.

“H, I don’t feel safe and I want a marriage where I feel safe”
“H, I want a marriage where my husband does not have to be reminded to fix the sink”
“H, I want a marriage where my H affirms me everyday.”
“H, I want a marriage where I am surprised, kept entertained, interesting with new experiences every week.”
“H, I want a man who is masculine and keeps up with his health, positive, and provides for his family”
“H, I want a man who will defend me with his own life, a man who will rescue me when I am in trouble”
“H, I WANT.. fill in the blank”

This communication should not be “heavy” but matter of fact. Allow your spouse to then make the decision to fill your needs or not. A person can change if they want. If your spouse responds with.. “What can I do?” You, “Go read a fucking self improvement book and execute it, I am telling you want I want and what I expect and will only accept” If we accept behaviors we don’t want, then we should expect misery in the future.

and so much more depending on what YOU want. You have the power to make change to get what you want.

We must all have the attitude that I am going to love the person I choose to the best of my ability and I am only going to accept love the way is meant to be… or the consequences will that person will no longer be part of my life. It is so important to our own happiness to take this belief and execute it.

There is a law of human nature within normal people. It is the law of reciprocity. When we make the choice to love someone and fill every need they have, they will in turn do the same for you. Not all people are capable of reciprocity. These are very unhealthy people and may learn it one day, but until they do, they should not dictate your own unhappiness. All we can do is make it know the consequences and have the courage to overcome our own fears and take the plunge into the unknown. The one thing we do know is that we are going to live healthy, loving, caring those that do the same for us. We are going to pick wisely who are in our world.

My mom, who committed infidelity herself, taught me a weakness. My father, was a healthy man. My weakness was… “so be it” My wife stopped romancing me.. “so be it” I made my own happy life around my kids without dismissing my wife. That is what I did. My wife defended her closeness to her boss.. “so be it” I let it happen. No more of that behavior for me.

It took infidelity for me to know healthy living. No money, No fear, No reason will ever keep me from living in a mutually loving, caring, trusting, intimate relationship. Not even with my children, my work relationship, my friends and any family member. I cannot control what they do, I can only control what I do.

Now, what about that preaching! LOL…


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

our FWSs must be happy enough or the would push for change, either fighting for the relationship or D.

I don't know, I think it's opposite, they do nothing because they're unhappy, but the unhappiness is about them rather than the relationship.

I also think I don't really care.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why am I such a freaking mess today? Maybe it's pregnancy hormones...

I actually just totally CRIED over WH's A while answering something in General. Where on EARTH did that come from?

In other news another friend down to the WS bug. Another Mom from the kid's old school appears to be seeing another (divorced) parent behind her husband's back. She told me she was going to divorce the husband about 1 1/2 years ago, but they're still married, so NOT cool. Just for bonus points -- and believe me, I do know this is totally rude in a way, but STILL my radar is always going off on this one -- I'm VERY convinced the divorced Dad is a closeted gay guy. Maybe not, maybe he's just bi.

Anyway, maybe that's bugging me too.

Oh, and no surprise here -- even though I met this lady through the school, she ALSO works in the same field as me. Cheater city!!!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33- a good cry is sometimes good for us....
could be hormones, could be infidelity triggers.
I know that I can still trigger when I read something or hear something on TV.
Lately, the talk about Arnold's new autobiography has been a bit triggery for me.
not to the point of tears but stories about infidelity still get to me.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually just totally CRIED over WH's A while answering something in General. Where on EARTH did that come from?

Aww honey, don’t let it get you down. Just a momentary step back into a dark and unhappy place. You think you have the crying bit licked and then it slaps you on the back of the head as a little reminder. Whether it’s down to hormones or triggers – or just a bad day – it happens. Something unexpected can start me off – I’m just glad those collapse to the floor in a sobbing heap days are gone. Just cry for a while, splash my face with some cold water, think “oh well, that shit again” and get on with the day. And I’m 6 years out!!!

Crying is good for you – better than building up to something worse.

Hope you’re better and back on track today. Take care of yourself.
*****

njgal – which Arnold autobiography – Schwarzenegger?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn’
There’s a lot of stuff to think about in your post. Thanks. Maybe a “I want” list would be a good idea and for me to TELL him so that he can’t ignore it like he does anything written. Have my list of, say 5 or 6 requirements, then ask him for his and then sit and talk about how we can go about getting what we each want.

It is the law of reciprocity.
You have to have an element of trust or an attitude that you will still do [whatever] even if the person you are doing the deed for doesn’t reciprocate. You do something because you trust they will do something for you, that you value that person enough to do something for them in the expectation that you will be repaid for trust as much as for the deed. It means exposing your vulnerabilities and expecting them not to be abused or taken advantage of. I think you have to be a very strong person to willingly put yourself in that position. Either that or someone who can shrug off as an opposite response to the one you were expecting or wanting as a flaw in the other person and to not take it personally.

One of the things I have to tackle with fWH is his desire to bury and ignore things he just doesn’t want to talk about. The trouble is, I have a problem keeping him on track. He’s extremely articulate and verbally manipulative (that’s why he’s a salesman…..) and can steer off a subject and when I look back I realise he’s done the politician act of walking all around the subject and succeeded in avoiding answering it at all! He can also make me feel small and stupid, so I guess I am my own worst enemy by not pursing more doggedly.

I have taken your words to heart and will be working on them in the next couple of weeks.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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