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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 7th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{UKgirl}}} I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you do need to talk to WH about this.

Ats: I'm so sorry about your boat. I hope the insurance covers the loss.
I agree with the others, it will cause more problems than it's worth. You need to decide if you want to stay married, no half way. I truly understand about the financial situation, but what you are suggesting is just going to cause more heartache for both of you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats… here are my thoughts…

Open Marriage? The problem you will have is NO QUALITY woman will want to date, have sex, and have a good relationship with a married man. What you will begin is another relationship with an unhealthy woman. You’ve made that mistake once, don’t do it twice. Be wise brother and be the good quality man you are today. Your wife has made the choice not to live under her vows, not you. You cannot control what others decide to do.

I say you go ahead reach deep inside your soul and grab the greatest amount of courage you have and D your wife… May I suggest you find a roommate that will pay you rent to help pay the mortgage. I think you will find the change very rewarding.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - Your fww may have stopped cheating, but she did not commit to R. Part of R is rebuilding the relationship with your partner. She made choices that again and again took away from the feelings for you. She needs to step up and fix it. She is choosing to not fulfill your needs and do nothing about her own for the sake of security and stability. She is, by her own admission, "settling" for an M without intimacy and forcing you to settle as well. If she will not (this is not a "cannot" situation) be a wife and engage her husband in all of the ways that would rebuild that intimacy then imho you should D. She's trying to sit on the sidelines in your M and not get in the game.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm back to ask all of you who have lived through a long term affair, how long it takes to get over the sadness. FWH is doing everything right, except maybe talking about his A as much as I would like. He never refuses to talk about it, but it is still me that brings up the topic. If this hadn't happened, I would be perfectly happy with the way we are reconnecting and with the way he is treating me.

Am I crazy to still be asking questions about the A still? I feel there are new questions on my mind every day. I picture them together and wonder how they were with each other, what they did and how they talked together. FWH says that this was an affair of convenience, an outlet from the everyday stresses, an escape. He also says that he never thinks about her unless I bring it up. How can this be? They were involved for 15 years! I can't help but doubt that this "total love and commitment" that he feels for me since d-day is possibly just more convenient now.

I hate these doubts. Some days I just can't stand the pain.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack,
It's going to take a while. Two to 5 years is the timeline batted around here on SI, and probably longer for LTAs. It took me reclaiming my life to accept and get beyond what XWH had done. And EMDR therapy. (I also threw in the towel after coming to some startling--at least to me--conclusions about my M and XWH, so YMMV.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just peeked in to look around. nofun posted a reply in JFO and thought maybe she would have stopped in here at LTA too.

Repairing my boat is just money and time, and in the end she will be better than before. Too bad marriages are not like that.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.

A few years ago I had things stolen from my boat. There was much more damage done than what the stuff they took was worth. They cut up a pretty expensive boat cover to get in the boat, cut many wires that did not need to be cut while stealing the radio/cd and carried off a few bags of boating supplies. Tools, lights, towels etc. It cost me my deductible ($500) and much travel time and work. I rewired and installed the radio. They did not try to steal my engine. It is a inboard big block V-8. I guess they thought that would be too much work. You are right, time and money will fix the boat. When it is repaired you can kick back have a drink and grill something.

I do know why you are considering the open marrage but I agree with everybody else. The open marrage stuff would be bad. More trouble than it is worth. It might be fun for awhile but.......


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Haven't posted here in awhile. No reason except that I seem to be on only in fits and spurts. 2 year antiversary is today, and I stayed home from work. I am not in bad shape, just a little sad.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1682 | Registered: Nov 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack, it really is down to the individual marriage. The more the FWS does to repair and answer questions, the more likely you are to reconcile successfully. If the AP is out of the picture, that’s a big help too. And yes, a LTA takes longer (usually) than other categories of affair. Throw in EA too and that drags things back even further.

For me, fWH couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me the truth (mostly he “couldn’t remember”) and one year after d-day, I met MOW and found out a load of other stuff. Stuff had been leaking out of the woodwork since d-day anyway with his lying and me finding writing he should have got rid of. In year two, I found SI and wrote to BH. Met him a couple of times which took me through to the end of year two – July 2008.

In March 2009 I found some of the writing had been written two years before the LTA, not as part of the LTA as he had said. That meant he had another affair. He denied and I had no other proof, although I suspected who it was with.

At the beginning of 2011, my spidey senses said there was some sort of contact. Nothing I could put my finger on, but this time I listened to my guts. He denied, but perhaps it was brief and non-sexual.

Later summer that year, I found a random “X” text on his phone and found out he had visited MOW’s town – it’s an ordinary market town, not a big thriving business centre. He made excuses about colleagues/suppliers and then I found out he had gone there within a week of starting the new job.

The latest is MOW has been stalking him on Linkedin. While he says he isn’t contacting her back, the fact is he is apathetic. He does nothing about it. He is unconcerned about doing anything to make me feel safe and loved. Oh yes, he SAYS the right things – that’s easy. He asks what he can do to make me happy (I’ve told him my happiness is down to me, but my unhappiness is caused by him – he doesn’t understand that idea) and then does nothing. He sits in the wings and waits for everything to be okay. the greatest rug-sweeper of them all.

So. How long is the length of a piece of string. Year two is often worse than year one. In year two, you realise this is your reality. This is it. You’ve had the shock, denial, MC and IC, finding the truth (or at least your truth) and things begin to settle. And you think “is this it? Is this how it goes from now on?” People have less sympathy, they think you should be over it now and that if you are going to stay together, you should “put it behind you and move on”. But it’s not that easy. You said this in BS questions for WS (sorry, I only skim read)

These things whirl around my thoughts almost every minute of every day. They have taken over my world. The OW has become my OW.
When I tell him this, he will say "You mustn't give her that much importance in your thoughts".
This happened to me and still happens when she rears her ugly presence. She’s like poison in my veins and I long to be rid of her. FWH said exactly the same thing over and again to me. Once he had got rid of her (that was another issue – took him 16wks to send a NC letter), he said he hardly thought about her.

It is so important for the fWS to be the person he wants to be for you. You are still asking why, so this shows you are not ready to be over the sadness (or anger). And often there is no answer to the why, which makes it harder to understand. Sometimes they just do it because they want to and they can. And then it turns into a LTA because they can’t find a way out, so they compartmentalise and it becomes routine. They weave it into their everyday life and accommodate it until something happens.

But it does get better. It will never be the same again, but the hurting will ease.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meanwhile, MOW hasn’t been on fWH’s Linkedin profile since 6th. Although she may have learned to hide her profile by resetting her privacy. There are a number of “Linkedin Member” viewings. I’m not exactly on tenterhooks, but it’s like waiting for a fire cracker to go off on bonfire night. You think it’s all over, and suddenly there’s another one to make you jump out of your skin.

It just gets to me the way he just didn’t tell me she was there. Why? He said because it wasn’t important and that telling me would only bring her back into our lives. I just don’t get his way of thinking. It’s classic conflict avoidance, isn’t it?

Oh well. My feelings do not have precedence over his desire to ignore events. That makes me feel he doesn’t care, although I know he does. I think I have to give it one last try. He goes to Europe for a few days and then I have to go to my Mum’s. It’s his birthday at the end of the month and I think he’s away for it – I haven’t planned anything. I’ll gather everything I want to say and sit down with him. I think his not reading the document I gave him has hurt the most.

Just getting my thoughts out.

Ats & Dip – let me know when you’re up for grilling again. I’ll bring the beer.


(((((cdmommy))))) Just get through the day.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:19 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I haven't posted in a long while. I have been just too tired to deal with all of this. Between working,weekly IC's and MC's, elderly parents, and just everyday life I sometime do not feel up to it.
I also don't know where to post at times.
My story is long and again no energy to go deep into it. (See profile)
My wh has been cheating on me in some form or another for the last 37years. He is a SA and is now in a SA program and seems to be doing well. I guess. Who knows. We go to our MC weekly which is also part of the SA program. Over the past three years I have come to find out my H has been with numerous escorts over the last probably 15 years, not to mention PA's with numerous women that lasted from anywhere to 4 or 5 months to 37 years. I just found out in June about one that was for 37years.
So at this point I am stuck. I can't get past this right now. And all the
counseling in the world is not going to help. I think about it everyday. I think about her constantly, I wrote her a letter and that did help but for the most part I'm going no where with this.
My wh tries to explain his behavior over the last 40 years and how sick he was (is) and that he never wanted to hurt me or leave me that he was compartmentalizing his life with me, the others, work, etc.
We are together at this point. He sleeps in another room. I do not want him near me. I need space and time to myself. At this time my son is leaving at home with his girlfriend and they do not know what is going on. That's what's hard, trying to keep up appearances.

I just don't get it. 37years?? I can't get that out of my head. i don't think I will ever.
I know my wh expresses in MC how horrible he feels and is addressing all his issues now in counseling, which is great for him.
He also wishes that I loved him like I used to and that we had the M we had before. before what? It has all been a lie? All my memories
are tainted because all I see is this f**king ow lurking around.
someone by the way, that he says never mattered, it was just sex,
didn't really care for her. Really? then why keep this going for 37years?? Of course, this is the only one. He also had A with someone 24 years ago for 4 months and then when it was over they still kept in contact life good buddies and then 13 years ago he hired her to work in his office!! She is still there! the A was over 24 yrs ago for them but for me it is really new. I want her out but at this time he can't let her go. She knows I know and she of course feels horrible
(tough shit). This is a big subject in MC let me tell you.
Now, of course , there are others, for instance a retired escort that he "fell in love with" that he had a PA and EA with for 7 years. She has moved across country, so I'm not too worried about her. She didn't really care about him, she was a hooker what do you expect. Plus, I found out that the last time they were physically together he paid her!. God, is this my life?
Anyway, Will this ever get better? How can I get past this? Do I really want to R?
I've already been dealing with this for almost three years and I sure don't feel any better.

Me-BW
Him-WH
M-42yrs
Dday#1 11/09, DDAy#2 and many since 10/11
PA's- too many to count
LTA's too many to count
Escorts etc- way too many to count
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- ??


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K. ATS, no open marriage. However traditoperanni -- I give you complete permission to have an open marriage because your WH's idea of marriage is a total joke.

Find your anger that will help a whole lot.

FightingBack -- 3 years if things go average to well. 5 years if they don't, unless you divorce, then it seems to be about 6 months to a year post divorce.

That would be my general guideline.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack

Today, I still think about infidelity everyday in some way. I will try and describe the feelings I once had about my marriage and wife. I once was rock solid with my feet in concrete type feeling. Maybe the word total innocents, total commitment, 100% pride, rock solid ego, with certainty, no fear, a power about me, I called it a peace about me, comfort like a wearing an old favorite t-shirt you had forever. Maybe like your earliest memory of childhood when you hung on to your mom, you knew who to go to, who was there.

I just don’t have those types of feelings any more.

But my feelings are gone like the ones I describe. I am OK with the feelings I have right now. Maybe it’s maturity. It’s who I am today.

All I can tell you that everything changes and ends. Even feelings you once had. People are not always loving or loyal. People can and do learn from mistakes. Some don’t. Nobody but myself can make me happy. It’s up to us to forgive and learn how to be better people. Being a better person mean many different things.

I am a better man today.. I am fully trained and fully understand what love is… Many LTA’s here helped me along the way. I am better at romancing my wife. I improved my masculinity. I am more compassionate toward other’s faults. I am better at communications. I do things that make me attractive to my wife. I have more courage. I learned to know how to forgive. My faith is stronger. I never accept bad behavior and I bring on conflict when it happens. And more…

To make an effort to change yourself is very satisfying and your heart will be filled with strength. That is my advice to you. You change.

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:57 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

traditoperanni... I know the feelings. Your total reality turned upside down.

my battle and yours too...

Forgiving infidelity would mean sacrificing his dreams of the type of marriage he’d wanted. He’d never have the opportunity to brag to his children about the fidelity of their marriage. To stay meant sacrificing a marriage that was free from doubts. How could he ever again believe a word that she said if she’d been able to deceive him for 17 years? Staying meant the sacrificing of his dignity. He personally knew two of these men, and he now imagined how they’d seen him as the fool. To stay he’d have to sacrifice his rights. Didn’t he have the right to leave and find another who would be faithful to him? Staying and coping with infidelity meant sacrificing the ability to be honest with family. He couldn’t share his struggles, for fear of more complications. To stay would cost him pride. He’d always believed people who stayed were too weak to leave. To stay would cost his self-respect. He couldn’t believe things he’d said and done in his fits of rage. It would be so much easier to be away from her and not be triggered by her presence. To forgive seemed to make a mockery of all he’d sacrificed for the sake of their marriage. Instead of being proud of what he and Sandra had built, he now felt he’d been played the fool and taken advantage of.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To make an effort to change yourself is very satisfying and your heart will be filled with strength. That is my advice to you. You change.

Love this. That is when my healing started. When I changed.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((traditoperanni)))))

I can truly relate. Since my FWH started his As 24 or was it 25? years ago, I think I have some sense of what you feel.

I also feel your despair at times.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, UKGirl and Tryn, Thank you for your responses. Many wise words from the wounded healers. Thank you for being here. It is a great comfort to be able to reach out for support and understanding as well as to just know that this is survivable.

Traditoperanni, I'm with you in that I feel the pain. I wish I had some insight to share, but as you, I think we have found the best place to find it.

I like Tryn's "Feelings" model as it accurately shows the great divergence of emotions, but also gives hope that after a bumpy ride, they can stabilize again.

I have changed too. I will never be the same. I need to look at this as a good thing in a way, a clearer perspective on life in general.

I know I am guilty of harbouring so many negative thoughts still, so I guess I need to change some more.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M334455 , Thank you also. I missed you post. I do believe things are going well. a couple of things that I believe would help haven't happened yet, (I have asked my husband to write out his account of the affair including his feelings at the time, a timeline so that I can insert the events that I remember, and an apology to the OW's BS). O
ther than that, he seems to be doing all the right things "by the book" and he isn't even reading!

I am being very patient waiting for these things, and trying not to pressure him. Maybe I should let them go? I don't want to though, so perhaps I am holding us back by this.

So Nell says at least 2 years, and you say 3. Am I allowed to have an open marriage in the meantime?

Just kidding!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again traditoperanni
Hope you come back to read your replies.

Is LTA OW out of the picture yet? Reading back to pages 16 & 18, I recall that you had found out about the length of the affair and were trying to wrap your head around it. Seems you still are. I’m afraid that you are going to go through these hellish waves for a while yet. These are early days for such a monstrous discovery of overwhelming deceit.

But first, to get that blurb at the bottom so you don’t type/copy&paste every time, go to “My Profile” on the Forums page and write it in the box marked “Signature” Then it will come up on every post you do.

Okay. 37yrs. That is a long, long time. That is a way of life. It is for all LTA WS’s. They get away with it, and instead of coming clean early on, they hide it. As time goes on, it becomes bigger and the box they put it in gets bigger. But the thing is, they accept the box. All the crap, all the stuff they say and do with the AP, all the things that are connected to the affair (and for your WH, the SA stuff too), it all gets shoved in the box. And they leave it and do nothing and get on with the rest of their lives until it is time to open the box and squash more stuff in.

It was a box he created and it was nothing to do with you. He did nothing because he feared the consequences. It’s a dark and horrible place to be, a place like that. However he felt about it, he couldn’t tell you. To tell you would be to split his world and yours. After [X] number of years, he just dealt with it as routine, just like they all do. Yours went on longer than most that’s all. It doesn’t mean you are more stupid or more of a fool, it meant that he hid it well and had the lid on the box well locked down. His Pandora’s box where he kept all his dark secrets.

If you read my stuff here, you will read I am still dealing with this 6yrs later. Just know this: it is not your fault, know that the fault lay with your WH in abusing your love and trust. He is flawed, not you. But he gets to feel clean and new and you get to feel dirty and used. Don’t allow it. Do not allow his behaviour and his issues to taint all that you felt was true. Because you know what? YOU were authentic, YOU were true and his doing is HIS fakery and HIS loss. Shrug and say “you lost out mate, tough shit cos I got all the GOOD memories and you got the CRAP ones.” Took me a long while to get that to stick. About a year ago it finally stayed. I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am a good and kind and nice person. I look at him in the mirror next to me and think “you sad git”.

Keep posting. It does help.

Hugs - UKg


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl and all,
thanks for the replies. Ukgirl, I read your profile and again I am just so sad for what you and everyone is going through. I know too that devastating feeling.
In answer to your ques. There is no contact with the LTA ow (the one for 37yrs) nor any of the others. That is I hope there is not. I have been told that there is not. When I sent the ow for 37 yrs a letter she did contact my wh to tell him that I invaded her privacy. Really? I laughed. Of course, I also mention to her that she was not the only one and she was upset about that and worried about her health. Seriously? But what did I expect. I did warn her that she needed to GO AWAY. and if she didn't I would expose her to all she knows. She is not married nor never has been.
But I would out her at her work. My wh has promised me that if she should contact h im again he will let me know.
we will see. Of course, he has told me a lot of t hings over the years.
I know that he is fractured and I am learning more about his addiction to sex or love or whatever y ou want to call it. And he expresses deep remorse and wants to R and I am trying, but I just can't muster any enthusiasm about it. There are so many issues, not just her but the others like the one that still works with him. I mean, how much am I suppose to take in? Why do I have to understand?
On the one hand I want this to get b etter and then on the other I want him pay everyday for what he has done.
the obsession I have with this ow of 37yrs is extreme.
I hate her. I can't get my head around this sick reationship between them.
Back in 1975, I* got a phone call from a so -called friend of some woman who said my h was having an affair with her friend and she thought I should know. Of course, I confronted my wh and he admitted it but said it was over and he was sorry and me being the naive little girl at th e time accepted that and we R'd and life went on. I now come to find out, that wooman was actually the OW of 37yrs. She was trying to break u s up then. He never ended it - it went on for another year and then when I was pregnant with our first she was furious and left only to reappear a few years later and then the A took off again. This happened everytime I was pregnant (3) she would get mad and leave.So for the last 20 years it h as been a
steady A. He said he would see her maybe every 6 weeks.
But, he was in constant contact with her over the phone and then lately emails.
He told me he didn't love her, it was only sex that he tried to end it many t imes but she would go crazy and threaten suicide (so?) or he was also afraid she would contact me.
Now, in the meantime there were o thers, PA's and escorts etc. So, I have a lot to process and even though my first Dday is almost three years ago, I still feel like it was yesterday.
He tells me and our MC too,about compartmentalizing etc. And I try to understand but I just try to put my self in his position and I just can not imagine doing this to anyone else. I guess I just have too much self respect and feelings for other people. And not to mention a conscience.
He tells me about all the good times we had and he wants them back. Good times? what were those? All I see now is all these ows.
My whole married life has been a LIE.
It will never be the same between us. I will just have to learn to settle for that. Maybe, when the anger and hate subsides I can better handle this. But the pain will never go away.
Is your wh LTA still in the pic? I don't know how you do it. I admire your strength and grace.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

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