SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings
I've seen a few folks in the D/S crowd lately mention that they aren't ready for NB yet, and I an making the assumption that they mean they aren't ready to date.
While dating has been a big part of my NB, it wasn't where I started, and certainly hasn't been the only thing.
I thought we could all share some of the non-dating NB stuff we have done or are doing, as encouragement to newer members or lurkers in NB that there is a lot of awesome stuff that goes on in healing, not just dating.
Starting during separation, my first step of NB was nesting. I got all new furniture and hung my own style of artwork on the walls (XH was anti art-on-the-walls).
Later, I started to paint again, and started taking dance classes, which was an old hobby I used to love. Now I go dancing at least once a week!
Also during S, I traveled quite a bit; much more than XH and I would have been able to afford with his spending habits. I went to Chicago, NYC, Michigan, Arizona, and spent a considerable amount of time up in Baltimore. It was awesome!
I also just submitted my application to go back to school and do some post-grad work that will build on the job I currently have. I'm nervously waiting for my transcripts to all get there, but excited about the possibilities this will open.
So...what about you? What non-dating NB have you had?
[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:19 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)]
This is perfect... thanks Amazonia- I am a looong way from dating. On-line scares the snot out of me (thanks NB ) and meeting women who aren't my students or married mom's of my athletes is very rare.
I picked up another MA. This one in education (still didn't help job-wise, though. Small city, low pop state, stay at home dad for nine years- a tough nut to crack)
Took another coaching job- makes three. Took on more classes at the college- now I am full time adjunct. Substitute taught a few times, too.
Made some new friends. They are nice and fun to do things with- I do feel odd being the only unmarried one.
Revived my favorite hobby (building simple things with wood).
Revived skiing because my littles go every week in winter.
Tried to train for a 5 K- and will try again- running is horribly painful. Would rather swim 20,000 yards than run walk for a half hour.
Read several pulpy book series.
Hooked myself on some television shows, too (never really watched before).
In next couple of weeks, I start a new business. My office is a 28 sec. meander from my front door, I can work much of it at home, and don't have to give up other gigs for awhile. The best part is I don't have to alter my summer time with the littles very much. And, it is all supplemental income because I already can cover all expenses. I hope it works out. I am tired of living poverty line.(should have taken the alimony)
I am going to actually buy something for me, a kayak, this spring so I can take on another hobby (if I can keep from talking myself out of spending the money). And, I am finally going to get lasik eye surgery (been wanting to for ten years) if I can keep from talking myself out of spending the money.
Gluing life back together after all of this has been a difficult road. But one foot in front of the other, eh.
thanks for the thread. It felt good to actually write this out.
On a side note- my walls are covered in the art work of my littles. Makes my seven days without them easier to handle.
[This message edited by quedagh at 1:54 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)]
I forgot running!! I took up running too, and love it!
Also started doing yoga, but that got too expensive to maintain.
On the day I confronted ex and asked him to leave I went round the house and gathered up all the truly horrible gifts we had received over the years from his parents. They were all banished to the recycling centre!!!!
Then I repainted every room in my taste.
I refinanced and bought him out of the house.
I lost 30 lbs.
I took up running and now love it.
I became happy once more.
I have travelled to Asia twice with the kids and this summer we are heading to the USA (we are British and living in Germany). Ex hated travelling and we love it.
My kids and I regrouped and became a solid, happy family.. Just us 3. We call ourselves the dreamteam.
The kids have healed.
I have healed.
I learnt how to put down boundaries with the ex and he now behaves like a good little boy. He knows his days of bullying are over and he now bends over backwards to behave around me.
I fell in love with a new guy and experienced a healthy relationship! He had to PCS, I detached beautifully (thanks SI) I survived :)
I discovered Internet "meeting".
I have laughed so very much.
I have learnt how to do home maintenance.
I bought a brand new car and have kept on top of looking after it.
All 3 of us have survived and thrived.
I joined a single parents group. The group was useless but I made a great friend so we started our own 2 person support group complete with loads of gossiping and wine
I am happier than at any other time in my adult life.
On D Day I decided to seize the day and use this a a chance to change my life (hence my user name).
It has been the worst of times and the best of times.
And I now look back on D Day with gratitude as my life is 1000 times happier than 2 years ago.
Infidelity need not be the end of the world it can be the beginning of a whole new and better life.
Edited: I was on my iphone and making a mess of this so finished it on the laptop.
[This message edited by timeforchange at 2:42 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)]
Let's see, I...
(1) Started practicing my RC faith openly
(2) Finished my undergrad degree
(3)Took a management job at a non-profit
(4)Started speaking Spanish at home again
(5) Last but not least made some awesome new friends
Oh, yeah! I learned that the dating thing is NOT my thing
I went back to school.
I managed *the Tree Remodel*
I got GWADW help with her ADHD
I cut my utility bills by 80%
I've found a yoga studio in the town I plan to move to, and have taken two classes there so far. I plan to continue that - I really liked how I felt, both mind and body wise, afterwards.
I've made a list of things I would like to pursue. Things like learning about wine and photography (I've got a fancy digital camera and don't know how to really use it).
I've updated my wardrobe - that was fun!
Oh, and I am researching and planning a solo vacation!
Not dating and not even close to trying. Nor do I have a desire to.
I started taking online classes through my DDs university but can't commit or afford FT schooling right now...already working 2 jobs to get by.
I'm saving money in anticipation of moving home (Seattle) when my son graduates next year.
Started working out and eating right and finally taking care of ME! Lost 19 pounds and have done some serious toning since Dday (hints of a 6 pack and biceps already!) It feels AMAZING! (I still have a LONG way to go but the results are happening)
Started being very selfish with my time. When DS is with his dad on weekends I eat what I want, watch tv or movies I want, listen to music I enjoy..sometimes REALLY loud!, maybe have a drink or sometimes do nothing at all.
I've been healing and empowering myself emotionally and physically and people are noticing. Twice this week I've had people tell me they just love me and really enjoy being with me because I'm so happy and my outlook is fun! Yeah, sometimes it's the fake it till you make it mode but more often than not, it's real! I'm excited about my future! I recently saw a pic of him with his kids taken by her and sadly there was no warmth between he and the kids..they just stood at his sides, the look on his face was more squinty (like the sun was in his face except he was wearing dark sunglasses) and he looked dumpy. His belly was VERY visable through his t-shirt and he always took pride in his slender body and worked hard to keep it. He really looked kind of pitiful. Oh well... his life, his mistake. Me? I'm smiling and shining!
My new theme song is "I make my own sunshine" By Alyssa Bonagura
[This message edited by noone at 4:02 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)]
Oh! I forgot to mention this - yesterday I bought a brand new fancy tempur pedic mattress! It gets delivered Wednesday and the old one gets hauled away, and it will take some of the bad juju with it.
Well, I bought a house! My own little bungalow. :) I have been holding onto magazines and pulling out design and color ideas for inspiration. I have also been collaborating with my family members as to what I might need-- they have been so great. I'm getting so many hand-me-downs so that I can save money!
I am reading again. I put it on the back burner for some time since I was always too busy, but I have actually been enjoying works that I have been meaning to get to.
I have actually been taking better care of me. I take more pride in my appearance, especially at work. I am finally getting rid of junky old clothing that I've kept for forever.
In my moving process, I have cleared out TONS of junk. I cleaned out my book collection and helped my kids do the same with theirs. We cleaned out the toy box and got rid of all the unused and broken toys. I am preparing a pile of useless stuff to take to the Goodwill. It's liberating to think about how much less will be moving with me.
There is more that I'd like to do, but I'm still stuck in limbo, and STBX is never really around to watch the kids (unless I put in a specific request because I have plans). I'm hoping that will change once I move and our official visitation set up begins. Then, I can fill those weekends with whatever I want!
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 4:40 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)]
Traveling! San Diego, CA and West Virginia last year with friends and Savannah, Georgia with my sis this spring. (So much cheaper to fly, eat, sleep when you are only paying for one person instead of as a married couple).
Exploring a new business venture with some talented women friends.
Painted and redecorated a couple of rooms the way I wanted to (no consultations with grumpy spouse necessary-yea)
Landscaping my yard the way I wanted to (see above parenthesis)
Singing in my church choir.
Cooking new foods that ex wouldn't have even tried--vegetarian, Thai, anything other than the BORING meat and potatoes dishes he would eat. Making dinner for and with friends.
Spending time with friends when I want to for as long as I want to. I have more time to nurture old friendships and to make new friendships.
Eating better, exercising more, taking fitness classes
Bought sexy lingerie.
Learned home maintenance and hot tub maintenance skills.
I absolutely love not having to check in with anyone about anything! I absolutely love going to do things I want to do when I want to do them. I absolutely love not having to put up with someone else's bad mood!
Learned to love and value myself again!
Learned how strong I really am!
This thread has helped me realize I still need to
make a list of other things I would like to pursue--and do them, not just think of them. A new beginning can become a new way of living!
Thanks for this thread. ALthough not divorced yet (fingers crossed it gets finalized in June), I feel like I'm in the process of my new beginning. I've been lurking but I won't be dating for a LONG time!
So here are my new beginnings:
Finishing up all the half-baked projects that my WH left. The one I'm proudest of so far is refinishing my kitchen cabinets. I got to pick the color and the knobs that I wanted!
Repainting every room in this house a lighter color. WH was into dark and dramatic. But now everything is lighter and brighter
I was a runner and marathoner before. But now I have a new found zeal for training. My pace has picked up by roughly 2 min/mile since D-day. I'm running the Chicago Marathon this fall and I'm thinking I'm going to have a very good time
And finally, I've started to get job apps in. Looking to teach again.
I agree-I have absolutely no desire to date.
Truman, what have you done for you?
I bought my WXH out of my house, and totally re-decorated it. New flooring, new curtains, painted my bedroom, and new bed.
I have re-established contact with some great friends, and joined a gym.
I created a new life for myself. It's so much better.
Also started doing yoga, but that got too expensive to maintain
LA Fitness-$25/month; other gyms are probably comparable. Once you get the hang of it, you do it on your own; videos are excellent but I don't recommend practicing alone until you've worked with a yogi for a while.
Old dogs (retrieved from the X)
Old hobbies (that I didn't have time for while M)
New Friends (SI)
Old Friends (renewed friendships that the X has eschewed)
Lost 80 pounds
Joined meet up groups-book clubs,game nights
Planning more vacations-taking 1 next month with my daughter
I bought my new car, bought new beds for myself and two oldest, bought a new washing machine when the one he had bought used died.
We (kids and i) have cut expenses by a huge amount and had so much fun together going places and just hanging out. I am doing more with friends and goals for next year is getting house stuff done and then perhaps the year after buying a new house. Oh I forgot that I really-financed the house on my own which due to rates so low right now I cut my mortgage in half!
I am looking forward to having fun in my nb and exploring things for myself again.
I've enjoyed watching my kids jaws drop & hearing them exclaim "WHOA!" when I do yet another task that WH told them (and me) I couldn't do, only he could do. There is so much I can do!!! I love that I can now show the kids what it's like to have a strong, capable mother!!! I can change batteries. I can program thermostats. I can reboot the garbage disposal. I can take out the trash. I can clean the deck. I can get the car serviced. I can talk to utility companies on the phone & make arrangements for service/repair. I can conduct business.
Reading everyones accomplishments I feel like a proud mother.
Yup I am really proud of you all.
I think the biggest benefit of all these changes is that I rebuilt my self esteem and confidence. Never again will I believe someone when they try to put me down.
I can do anything if I try hard enough. You do not know what you can accomplish until you try.
I also think we are all teaching our kids a valuable message.... About how to handle problems in life. And getting back up after every fall :)
[This message edited by timeforchange at 2:48 AM, April 23rd (Monday)]