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Non-Dating NBs

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PlainsGirl29 posted 7/1/2012 22:31 PM

Right after dday I was so insecure it is like my normal insecurities *100. So right now I am learning to love me, all of me, the good and bad. I have always hates my legs, they are thicker and pasture ghost white, swear they retract sunlight lol, but this summer I am showing them off, and they look a lot better than I have been telling myself all these years, they are long and with a short skirt or dress looking good so I have bought more dresses and more heels, lol.

I applied for college and got accepted.

I am feeling the urge to rediscovery religious beliefs, stbx is an atheist, I went from a devout Christian to the verge of athesism in the past 7 years, so I am reconnecting with old.Christian friends, may even go to church next Sunday..

I am a decluttering mofo

That is all I got for now...

roseguide posted 7/2/2012 09:13 AM

Thanks for this post!

Crescita posted 7/2/2012 12:58 PM

Still no idea what a nb is pose to b or look like ... For me anyway ...

Kinda with you there, perhaps for different reasons. I donít really feel like anything I have done is that radical or outside what I would have done while married.

When I was married, I worked, went to school, ran, did yoga, bowled, traveled, and volunteered at an animal shelter. Phased out the shelter before the D, kept the rest up after the D except school, kinda reached an impasse, and havenít decided where to go with that. I have been trying to cook more, I like the experience and the results, but Iím not entirely enamored with the hobby. Might replace running with dance or tennis lessons as I am growing weary of that endeavor. Recently put in an application to volunteer at a womenís foundation, how much time I can commit remains to be seen.

Mostly I just want to relax into my life and quit trying to prove something to this mythical arbitrator of life worth that lives in my head. I love to try new things, but sometimes I think I get more joy out of the idea than the experience itself.

k94ever posted 7/2/2012 20:08 PM

For the first time in my life I have no one to think about but myself. So I'm learning that it's OK to buy a new wardrobe (mine was from the '80's...yup shoulder pads and all), name brand cosmetics instead of the Wallmart brand, re-program the DVR to all the shows I like.

I'm currently leasing a horse to see if I have the time to devote to it and taking riding lessons. I'm learning how to run the light and sound systems at our local Performing Arts Theater. During the winter I volunteer two days a week at our Library.

I'm seriously considering taking a kick-boxing class just to see if I like it. I ride my bike two to three times a week with my neighbor and we have a great time talking about life as we do our ten mile ride.

I eat what and when I want. I go to bed whenever I feel like it.

I'm working on being a better person. Doing lots of self-reflection and working on issues.

I'm reaching out to old friends and making new ones.

Eventually I'd like to date but the big issue here is that the deer outnumber eligable men. I'm going to have to import someone...........


roseguide posted 7/3/2012 07:00 AM

pushed myself to join a meetup group, pushed myself to make dinner plans with the women I met there, pushed myself to join the bocce team. None of it comes naturally for me, but it's like taking medicine - I may not like it on the onset, but I know the result is worth it.

I have a hard time with this one. My STBXH was the social butterfly and I just followed him around. Now I have to go out and actually talk to people. Yikes!

I've joined a few meet up groups, just to have someplace to go if I'm out of sorts.

I'm hiking more - without guilt.

Haven't been back to the gym since this happened but renewed my membership and going to go back.

Making plans to fix up the house but waiting until the divorce is final and I know it's actually mine.

Started working in the yard and on the outside though. It was/looked horrible but he never let me do anything with the outside of the house.

Lots of self help reading and started meditating again.

Trying to get rid of the clutter.

Spending more time with my (grown) kids.

NoLongerWantHim posted 7/3/2012 07:22 AM


I retired from the Army Reserve - means I took off the boots for the first time in 34 years.

I got a degree and the qualifications for a new career.

I decluttered - my house, my life, my finances.

I make time for me, and frequently me first.

I eat healthier, sleep better and finally learned to turn off *the voice* that tells me I'm old, boring, tired, fat, stupid. The X's favorite term was "retarded" - Funny, he had an older brother his parents put away when the kid was little, and he stayed away till he passed away at 60.

nutmegkitty posted 7/3/2012 09:04 AM

I drove, by myself, in the big city near me, one known for it's wicked crazy drivahs, and I did ok!!

That is very, very huge for me since about a year ago I could barely drive on the local roads without having a panic attack.

miadianna posted 7/3/2012 16:52 PM

That is very, very huge for me since about a year ago I could barely drive on the local roads without having a panic attack.

That was a big one for me. For 20 years I didn't drive on the expressway because of fear and panic after something happened to me when I was 21, but I knew if I wanted to see my kids in college, I would have to do it and I made myself. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I still don't like it and never will be calm about it, but I "can" do it if I have to. I really hate driving long distances, I find nothing relaxing about it like others do.

[This message edited by miadianna at 4:52 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

thebighurt posted 7/4/2012 00:47 AM

My life is very different and so much calmer than during M. Being alone was scary at first, but now I love it! I do have some worries and an occasional panic attack over things that go wrong, but all-in-all, it is so much better! Funny how many of us make that same statement!

I no longer have the constant stress of xpos around or have the emotional and verbal abuse he rained on me. I have traveled to visit friends and family, driving myself either alone or with a friend. It is so much easier and stress-free, even though I now drive and only rode before. I'm hopeful I can drive to a G2G with some SI friends! The drives seem so much shorter now without his constant dialog berating every other driver and pushing them with his road rage. And I can listen to whatever I want along the way, stop whenever I want or wherever I want. The drive with a friend to her brother's house 5 hours away was loads of fun and laughter, even though neither of us felt really well. Who you are with can make such a difference! When I get there, we do things now that are much more fun than previous trips. He was so disapproving of everything and would not participate or go along with things everyone wanted to do.

I have seen so much more of friends (old friends and new) and family (including my grown kids who don't have much or anything to do with xpos) and enjoying it so much! I have reconnected with old friends and had girlfriends' weekends (another coming up mid-week next week; I've gone to the movies with friends, family or alone; started reading again; visit with friends in person or on the phone whenever I choose; grab a wine single or bottle of water and pop over to visit the neighbors who sit outside and get the neighborhood news and gossip; take a neighbor who is unable to drive shopping; cook whatever and whenever I want; eat out or do take-out whenever I choose; make all my own decisions about what and with whom I do things. (Xpos told me I would do anything for anyone, even people I did not know - meaning soldiers I adopted, but NEVER did ANYTHING for HIM!! - while stabbing his finger out at me for emphasis. Poor baby!)

I got rid of some furniture he picked out and now the room seems so much bigger and brighter with them replaced. They were big and dark. Got a new mattress. Making plans to paint and do other things around the house now that I know it is mine and he cannot come here any longer. The flowers outside this year are colors I chose. We still have some business to settle together before this is all over, so things will get even better once that is done and I can be rid of him.

Working on ME with IC. She says I'm "luke-warm ready" for dating. Been putting out some feelers but unsure how it would go if I actually get a date. I have been doing lots of reading about xpos' issues and am hopeful I would recognize if a date had the same ones. I see red flags all the time with people I see places (in their interactions), so I'm hoping I wouldn't be blind to it with a date.

Still have to clean out and declutter, and DD and DGD encouraging me to join meet-up groups, so still have lots to work on to keep me busy and fill my time. And I have SI whenever I feel the urge or need.

Amazonia posted 7/19/2012 08:00 AM

Bump for the NB Newbies

Amazonia posted 7/29/2012 07:06 AM

josie11 posted 7/30/2012 03:34 AM

1. Finished BA magna cum laude, after decades away from academia.

2. Tried not to kick myself for falling short of summa.

3. Launched myself into very competitive Master's program as my best chance at finding a job afterward at age 50+ years.

4. Made my best effort at blocking out the terror of ending up a bag lady if, despite earning a professional graduate degree, I can't find work.

5. Cared for my kids as we healed and supported each other in the aftermath of the divorce trauma. Sought professional counseling to cope as a single parent with no help from my ex.

6. Once a year after D-Day, traveled alone to my favorite place in the world, as a special reward for caring for my kids and studying at university 24/7.

7. Tried not to think about what happened and why. Tried not to agonize, wondering why he threw me away. Succeeded at not thinking about it for a bit every day.

8. Enjoyed never hearing a sports event or news on TV or radio broadcast ever ever. This is a big relief.

9. Survived.

10. Stayed sane (mostly).

josie11 posted 7/30/2012 13:08 PM

8. Enjoyed never hearing a sports event or news on TV or radio broadcast ever ever. This is a big relief.

To clarify: Enjoyed never hearing a TV sports event or TV sports news or sports talk radio ever ever again.

I have no problem with radio or TV in general. It's just sports programs that annoy me. Those loud noises/voices distract me when I'm trying to read.

pbjkiki posted 8/10/2012 11:12 AM

I have a frequent need to entertain the thought of leaving my FWSO...8 and 10 months post DDays and nowhere near over it. Obviously I'm not staying for the happy healthy relationship. I'm staying out of dreading the alternative.

However, a lot of the non-dating NBs involve money. (going back to school, wardrobe change, a cosmetic change, redecorating, moving, new car, new new new....)

I'm in a ZERO DOLLARS TO SPARE stage. I'm not exaggerating. I can't take my car anywhere but work, and after diapers and formula, I have about $15 a week for my groceries.

My NBs have to be free. I'm just trying to think of things that I could do...

My office has a fitness room. I could start working out on my lunch breaks. No gym membership needed.

I have a storage closet full of incredible fabrics and papers and craft tools I never use. I could engage my creative side.

I have a wonderful blog, an SLR camera, and writing skills I've put on the back shelf. No need to let those go to waste.

A lot of my debt is from trips I took after my fiance died. Humanitarian/adventure, etc. I have a lot of pictures, but nothing's framed. Instead of going on more trips, I suppose I could go back and savor the trips I already took. I sorta blasted through them, and then after unpacking, just kinda went on with life. What a waste of all those thousands of dollars.

I have cleaning to do that I've neglected for -literally- years.

I have shelves books I've never read.

I have a great Britax stroller for my baby, and live in a safe, beautiful downtown city neighborhood. I could walk, explore, fraternize with the homeless, haha...

A big one for me is digging my way out of some medical bills (from having my baby) and paying off some silly indulgences I never shoulda considered (at one time, they themselves were my New Beginnings - now they're just debt). It will not happen without an increase in salary...I have decided I need to spend a couple days a week serving sushi or something, or I'll never make it out of this pit.

Off-brand coffee and dollar store cleaning products are in my future. After that...peace.

Amazonia posted 8/31/2012 05:54 AM

Amazonia posted 10/7/2012 08:22 AM

Since the invitation to come over from D/S got bumped, this probably should too, just to prove we're not all about dating only.

phmh posted 10/31/2012 20:17 PM

Yesterday, I was at work and got a text from a friend.

We already had plans to go to a volunteer dinner together, but she told me she had concert tickets to see a band in big city 90 miles away, act went on at 10:30, would I be interested in going after dinner?

Old me never would have gone, as I would have worried about getting home so XWH wasn't lonely without me, but new me jumped at the chance.

I had a great time, and was introduced to new music which I liked so much I bought their CD. And I picked up some new dance moves :) Plus, band members were working the merchandise area, so I got to meet all of them.

Yay for new friends, new experiences, and new beginnings!!!

Amazonia posted 11/5/2012 20:08 PM

So fun, phmh! I'm glad you went out.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:09 PM, November 5th (Monday)]

damncutekitty posted 11/5/2012 20:13 PM

I am almost 8 years out from my D and only just now in my first serious relationship.

I had a LOT of other amazing things I did before I met my SO though.

I formed some amazing friendships. I ran 2 triathlons. I discovered new hobbies and activities. I spent lots and LOTS of time in therapy.

And I'm glad for all of it.

npain posted 11/6/2012 14:12 PM

I am decluttering big time. I have moved out 99% of all of WH stuff and put them in the garage so I dont have to look at them everyday.

I took some computer classes this fall to upgrade my job skills.

I repainted, rearranged furniture and redecorated my bedroom, and living room. I have more plans to change some more things in time for Christmas.

I bought new beds for my children.

I lost 40lbs and bought a whole new wardrobe.

I went on 3 mini vacations this year: Las Vegas, Florida to take my kids to Disney and St. Thomas for my big sis birthday.

I plan on replacing all of the marriage furniture that he could have possibly screwed her on (which would probably be everything)and will make a great ceremony of pushing the offending pieces out the door!

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