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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "No Reason to Stay?" A thread for BS's
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, November 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad this is here. I stayed and we were OK or so I thought. Now I am back, and wonder if I should stay or not. We have been married 10 years now 1 child. WS had multipe affairs 1 resulted in an OC. Now he is in an EA with someone.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
MystiKay
♀ Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am mad, hurt and depressed. But despite that I love him and plan to stay.

As much as it sucks. I love him, but i don't like him very much right now. Is that the BS version of ILYBNILWY?


Posts: 276 | Registered: Aug 2012
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh chioked and spat on me. Everyone says I should leave, but he's going to psychologist and doing heaps of homework and on ADs.

I'm still scared of saying no though, of the repercussions... Even though I am now 100% sure he won't do it again.

So it pisses me off of the three people I've told (in person) to be told RUN. Not very supportive advice is it?!!!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a tough road. My ws is a workaholic, sex addict, and ocd. In our 14 years together, I began really suspecting something 3 years ago. Dday was 13 months ago, with another one on Dec. 23, 2011, followed by trickle truth and lies until Dday 3 this last October.

I love this man. We 're in therapy, he goes to sa meetings, but his work is in the way of everything. I am not sure I will stay. I am going out of state for awhile next month to regroup and think.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no real reason to stay meaning no kids or finances or anything like that but I have stayed because I feel the need to give it more time and I am just not ready. He has mentioned separation several times but I have not pushed him off his fence. I think he wants this then he can say oh well stung left me.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013

Posts: 226 | Registered: Oct 2012
Trusttrusttrust
♀ Member
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have stayed (so far). We have been married for 30 years. A part of me wants to cut and run and a part of me wants to heal. I have posted a lot today be because I am having a really bad few days. It is so nice to know SI is here and I can post. I think I want to heal and then make a decision about staying in this marriage.


Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Burchellscoucal
♀ New Member
Member # 37859
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, 100%, absolutely belong here. I am so glad I found this.
Thank you so much for starting it...

I don't really know what to write at the moment - I am so new to forums and don't want to jack a thread.

I've posted three times today, and am considering bailing on this "relationship" but then I get that reminder in my head of him loving me, so I am totally split. In limbo - we are messed up... Please read my story if you care to know more, and I don't have many posts if you're up to finding out more about my situation.

thanks everyone here, this place is very helpful.


BGF: 26
(F)WBF: 28
D-Day 1: Oct 21, 2011
D-Day 2(Discovery of the omission of all details): Nov 16, 2011
D-Day 3: February 18, 2012

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2012
ellie1977
♀ New Member
Member # 38248
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay because I love him. Yes we have kids together and yes I am a SAHM. Yes those are part of the reasons why I stay but not all of them. I stay not just for the kids and not just for financial reasons but also because I love him, I can't imagine life without him.


Me: BW 35 ~ almost 36
Him: WH 33~ almost 34
Married: 04/08/02
3 Kids
DD: Of PA and EA 12/31/12 knew before he admitted for 5 months
A: PA lasted 8 months EA lasted about 1 yr
OW: my cousin who was living with us the entire time of PA.
Hoping for R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay because WH used to be my best friend and he is a great father. I believe what he is trying to sell me at the moment

But I am completely self-sufficient. My reason to stay may change in the future.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2250 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
heartlandgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 36740
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No reason to stay, could leave at any time, but I haven't yet. Unlike others that don't know why they stay, I do know. He's attached to me, heavily bonded and lives in his own world of deception. He can't handle the day to day of reality. For him to have to see the light of day would kill him and I'm not quite ready for that yet, someday though.


know that i love you...know i don't care
know that i see you...know i'm not there

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: small town, Illinois
heartlandgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 36740
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by heartlandgirl at 11:32 AM, March 11th (Monday)]


know that i love you...know i don't care
know that i see you...know i'm not there

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: small town, Illinois
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay because of finances, and my kids. I don't like my H. Sadly, I rarely want to be around him. It really hurts because there was a time that all I wanted was to be around him, not any more. I don't know if its the deployments/ time away and just LIFE that's changed me, or the A. Or both. In any case, I have no plans to leave. I don't know what will happen to our M in the future, though. For now, I just try not to be mean and show him how disgusted I am with him.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My reasons to stay out weigh the reasons to leave my WH!
I stay for my children BS 17 BD 14. BS has special needs. BD has expensive hobbies that she has worked very hard at to get to a higher level. I don't want my husband or my in-laws to fuck with my kids heads, anymore then they have.
I stay because I truly think WH would commit suicide. He cannot be alone! We are all he has! ( he has family and friends, but since they found out about the A's through rumors they have not been helpful at all!)
I stay because he is not a threat to us and WH is very into his work. Travels a lot too!
I stay for financial reasons!
I stay to give WH and our marriage a chance. I do love him! WH is regretful haven't seen the remorse.

I am strong enough to leave tommorrow, if I have too!


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: EU
Thorston
♂ Member
Member # 38709
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No kids. I am moving out next week, but I stayed so long so that after all is said and done, I can look in the mirror and say that I know I did all i could.


Me: BH 38
Her: WW 34
Married: 4 years, togther 8
D-Day #1 10/20/12
D-Day #2 12/23/12
EA>PA 2/2/2013
D-Day #3 3/2/12

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: ON, Canada
April101
♀ Member
Member # 20417
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially, just after D-day, I was devastated but very much still in love with my husband. I was angry at the bitch who lured my husband into an affair. We tried reconciliation, though counseling. It went well, we had some tears, some laughs and a in-depth understanding of the mechanics that led up to the affair. What I never got though is the "why". Why did he give himself permission to betray me. I can justify everything else to myself and internalize it all. But this one stumbling block keeps coming back again and again.

I could have left right away. This was five years ago. I made more money than him, the economy was better, and I could have gotten more for the house. But back then I was still "in love". Now I don't feel like that anymore. He is just someone who I used to love. There is a song about that and I totally get it now.

But how do I walk away from a marriage that I have been in for so long? The truth is I like being married. I like him to mow the lawn and shovel the snow and take out the garbage and clean up the basement. I like having someone to go out to dinner with. I like having someone to go to the movies with and to talk to each and every day.

Do I wish the affair never happened, of course I do. So does he. But it did happen and it forever changes how I feel about him. If he died tomorrow I would probably be relieved, because then I would no longer have to think about leaving him. It would be over.

I would probably cry and be sad that he is gone. But not ever in the same way if he had never betrayed me. I guess I am getting older and thinking that I don't have many more years on this earth. I know several people, who were the same age as me, and they are gone now. I will probably die before him anyway.

There really is no reason for me to stay. But also, there is no reason for me to leave. I haven't noticed any backsliding. However, he is a habitual liar and I do sometimes catch him in lies. He doesn't have my respect and sometimes I think he is really stupid. He doesn't have any common sense. The only reason he has any money at all is because I rein him in when he would just prefer to spend it all.

Our daughter is starting her last year of college next year. When she is done, I will no longer have financial obligations to my children. At that point it will just be him and me. She has a boyfriend and I fully expect her to move out shortly after graduation. Then decisions will have to be made. Until then, I am just staying with no reason to stay.


Me: 49 (BS)
Him: 47 (WS)
PA: 2 yrs
Married 22 yrs
3 kids
D Day: April 2008
Me: "Nobody wants to be with a cheater not even a cheater."
My D(16): 'Why should I listen to dad, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway'

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: New York
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Only two guys on this thread. One is leaving, the other says he would've if not for his daughter.

OK, I'll be the third guy. I'm trying to stay. Out of curiosity I posted the following in another thread, then thought it was better suited for this one:

What would you do if you were in your mid 30s, physically attractive, both partners are financially secure, no children and one cheats for nine months?

Including by bringing the OM to your home when you're at work.

They continue to work together, but claim there's NC except for work emails.

Would you stay or would you want to D and start fresh?

Before the A we told each other we were ready to have kids.

By staying, am I just risking eventually having children and having the A weigh so heavily of us that we would have a dysfunctional home? Or possibly eventually having a broken family?

We are both in IC and MC.

I'm not going to make any decisions for a while and definitely not going to make a decision based on anyone else's opinion, but I'm just curious what others have to say.

Again, no kids, we can both afford to D and we're both attractive and in our mid 30s. Together for 12 years, nine month affair.

I'm trying not to include love as part of my question because I love my WW. Whatever she feels for me is clearly a lot less than what I feel for her.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
The hard part: They still work together.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
whatabummer
♀ New Member
Member # 38825
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's right - I feel like that is ME writing that. I feel like I am just going through the motions. We have not physical relationship and barely talk, but we live together and go day by day. ICK! And yet I love him and so I am caught. What to do!!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013
whatabummer
♀ New Member
Member # 38825
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeelingSOMuch - Honestly, I would run!! Ha Ha! Having kids is the most wonderful thing in the world, but it is not easy. You get so busy with kids and life that sometimes you don't/can't have time for each other. If your relationship is already fragile you should think about it. And you are YOUNG!! I would start over if I was at your stage. Unfortunately I have 25 years invested, and two kids who need a family.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013
trappe25
♀ New Member
Member # 38513
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh gosh FeelingSoMuch, you sound like such a great guy! Like Whatabummer says; me too, lots of time..too much. I would leave, but that is me. I have a child. I used to think I had a family, but WH took that from me. Now I'm just living here ... a fake family. To me, nothing was real. I know, sounds depressing, but that is how I feel.

You seem to be doing quite well. I have to confess though...over 20 years ago, before marriage, I retaliated against my live in partner's infidelity (there was so much more I didn't know about). I had a year long emotional A with some physical, but it really was emotional A. Got caught and told partner I would stop. He was a client (so kinda work together) and I saw him every week at work. But quickly I continued the A until the man quit his job and I never saw him again...except 4 years ago..he sat next to me and my husband at a restaurant - strangest thing. I just ignored him..now I wish I would have spoken to him or something. It was weird.

I'm just saying that affairs at work have such ties...ok? So make her leaving a deal breaker, maybe and then you may feel a lot better. Of course I know nothing of either of your situations...

[This message edited by trappe25 at 10:38 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2013
Conflicted1
♀ Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No reason except my vows some days. I promised myself at the same time I promised him. I don't think him breaking his promise automatically let's me out of mine. No kids to share- ours was a second marriage for each-raised our blended family but had no shared children. in anger i am ashamed to say i was thankful for that. If he gives an honest effort to R I am in. He has IC tonight as he does every Thursday. I still have hope. If that ever leaves me I will follow it. I still feel love for him and sometimes I resent that...working on it.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Topic Posts: 99
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