SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read all these post of us Si'er who somehow "by the grace of God" got away or were forced away from our SO....

Now to the part that scares me...

If you think about it...isn't everybody kind of damaged? I mean my ex left me for his new love and she got the damaged goods I had for 17 years. He is no better now than he was then. So what makes me think that the "new guy" I will meet one day isn't someone else's old nightmare too?!

Seriously!

I am ready to date (or not) but I am scared that the next guy will come with his "issues" that are intolerable! I am not speaking petty like snoring or leaving the toilet seat up, I am talking BIG issues, cheater, uncontrollable liar ect.

Am I alone in my fears?

What say you SI?

I get you. I've had similar thoughts (although I'm way WAY off the "ready to date" path) about the relative damage one accumulates through life.

Two things -

1. Having endured the past year, I believe I am more conscious in my life. I can see issues, red flags, damage more readily now. Like a veil was lifted off my face.

2. My own boundaries, my choices, what I look for and value in relationships (not just romantic) have evolved and strengthened. I'm far more confident of insisting on what I need and want.

I imagine the same is true for you. With a better "picker" and strengthened self, you are less likely to attach to a majorly damaged person.

Does that make sense?

Empress NIK that makes plenty sense...but I guess I am so scared that there are no good partners out there anymore. Othewise why would the divorce rate be SO high?!

I fear the same thing! The thing is, it is fear that drives that thought. Mind movies are the great stopper!

I am resolved to simply work on me, I am going out of my way to avoid any relationship with a woman for the time being.

Once I feel that I have healed, AND, have worked out my pre-A issues (I do have some), I will let life proceed as usual.

I will be emotionally healthy enough to attract someone else who is healthy, and wise enough to tell the difference.

I have already avoided two potentially disasterous relationships and have since taken this path as it seems the only wise thing to do.

I am so scared that there are no good partners out there anymore. Othewise why would the divorce rate be SO high?!

Well, WE'RE good partners, right? And a lot of us are D through no fault of our own. Who's to say the counterpart we find isn't D for the same reason?

[This message edited by wildbananas at 12:49 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]

but I guess I am so scared that there are no good partners out there anymore. Othewise why would the divorce rate be SO high?!

Well... first of all, divorce doesn't necessarily produce two broken people. Hell - it may not even produce one broken person.

There are plenty of reasons for divorce that go beyond infidelity.

Second, even if you assume that those who have divorced were broken, broken doesn't have to be a chronic condition. We talk about healing, about self-discovery, IC, evolving, processing our pasts and working through our issues. Is it too much to consider that others are doing the same? Learning from the lessons life has been handing them? Growing from their experiences?

I'm not suggesting everyone - or even a majority of people - deals with their shit or makes it to their mid-life unscathed. IDK, maybe I sound Pollyanna-ish, but that's where my thoughts lead. To hope.

You guys are right. I should give some insight on this...I was talking to my mother who is usually a VERY WISE woman...

She knows my ups and downs w/ my last exbf. She says I should ('ve) stayed w/ him b/c "no matter who you date, eventually you will be at this point of being disappointed and hurt." So according to her, this guy is as good as it gets b/c they all have their major issues...

I am a realist. I don't believe in puppies and rainbows, but I am scared that there is noone out there.

She says I should ('ve) stayed w/ him b/c "no matter who you date, eventually you will be at this point of being disappointed and hurt." So according to her, this guy is as good as it gets b/c they all have their major issues...

Whoa. I'm so sorry, Exit Wounds. That would throw me for a loop, too. As delicately as possible I have to vehemently disagree with your mother's words.

ETA: I hit submit too soon. I disagree specifically with the idea that it's better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone and looking for a better one.

((((EW))))

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 1:15 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]

You are not alone in your fears.

My ex was NPD. While he wasn't the worst, most of the men I meet will be an instant improvement, just by definition.

Rational fear is good because it keeps us safe; irrational fear on the other hand isn't . That's the one thing I focused in IC...letting go of irrational fear. No all man lie, cheat and hurt women; a lot of them actually sacrifice themselves for the ones they love

a lot of them actually sacrifice themselves for the ones they love

Gosh that sounds so loving and caring...I don't think I have ever had that...

She says I should ('ve) stayed w/ him b/c "no matter who you date, eventually you will be at this point of being disappointed and hurt." So according to her, this guy is as good as it gets b/c they all have their major issues...

Wow my grandma gave me almost identical advice, which I promptly discarded on account of she is crazy.

The way I figure, I might be a little dinged from the divorce, but I think I am leaps and bounds more mature, happy, and self-assured than I was when I met XWH. Have to figure a lot of men on the market at this point are in the same boat.

I have the same fear. I'm afraid that I will somehow end up with someone that is either the same as XH or worse (if that's even possible). But at the same time I have more trust in myself that I will be better able to pick a better partner because of what I have been through. That I won't ignore the red flags and will trust my gut. I'm not so worried that there aren't and good guys left but more worried that I just won't see them or more so that I'm not able to distinguish between the good and bad ones.

She says I should ('ve) stayed w/ him b/c "no matter who you date, eventually you will be at this point of being disappointed and hurt." So according to her, this guy is as good as it gets b/c they all have their major issues...

If you were to ask me this several years ago I probably would have said the same thing. I understood that everyone has issues and is damaged in some way but because I was in the situation I didn't really see the extent of the issues until I was out. I think what she might have meant is that relationships take work and compromise, everyone does something that annoys us at some point but most of the things can be worked through (small things like snoring, leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting to take the trash out). But that is only once you are married and committed, if you are just dating then those incompatibilities are a sign that your not meant to be together.

I felt the same way because of my first post-D relationship. But, the key was that I wasn't in a good place to start a relationship - it was too soon.

I've learned and grown since then. I dated a bunch of not right guys - not bad, just not right for me.

But I kept taking the risk because if you don't take a chance, you won't get the reward.

Current SO is my reward. He's been D 2x. First one because of infidelity many years ago. Second one - they grew apart - that took me a while to comprehend. But I think he truly tried everything to keep the relationship together. They parted as friends after 11 years together.

On paper he didn't look like a good bet, but he has grown through his experiences too. He's not perfect, that would be BORING. But he's one hell of a man that I'm lucky to have in my life.

My point is - don't let fear hold you back from the possibility of wonderful experiences with a great person.

NL

NL, if I may ask...how long have you been w/ your SO? Are you still in the honeymoon stage? -I am NOT trying to offend, just got a little (too) cautious when I hear of someone being happy in a relationship.

I think you have a very real concern, exit wounds. But I also think it depends on how you view the purpose of marriage.

My first H. was a WTH was I thinking marriage. Seriously. I remember standing at the beginning of the church aisle and the words going through my head were, RUN! We had been engaged for three years. It wasn't the first time I had tried to tell myself to "run".

It took me 7 years to get out of that marriage. I was terrified to date simply because I didn't know how I had ended up in such a bad marriage. So no way was I taking a chance on that happening again. I spent well over a year in sabatical. I trusted myself in no decisions.

People would often try to cheer me up by saying, Well...at least now you figured out what you want in a man. Ummm....no. About the most progress I felt certain of was what I DIDN'T want in a man.

It would be 4 years - and LOTS of introspection - until I married again. My current H. was everything my XH was not. He didn't even drink at all! Jackpot!

Imagine my surprise, 5 years later and infidelity sitting it's ass on my kitchen table, when my IC sums up my H. as a "dry drunk".

360 degrees around the same damn mountain - only without alcohol. THAT was the progress I had made.

But it was more than that. There were still many things - improvements - in this relationship that weren't in the first. But the difference in that - the MAIN difference - was ME. I had become healthier...and thus was capable and ready for a healthier relationship. I had indeed attracted a healthier person. I just wasn't at my pinnacle.

And such has formed my own theory on intimate relationships. We draw/attract a mirror in our own health. The healthier we are, the healthier a partner we attract. Is that to say, F*ck it...because I'm still f*cked up and I don't have a chance. Not necessarily. Though certainly with limitations, my second relationship is a much better one than my first. Not necessarily because it was healthier to start - though that does help - but because it is healthy enough to GROW. It's actually a good match because we provide the stimulus for each other to grow toward higher levels. Not because we are great cheerleaders but because we are great irritants - who are still healthy enough at the end of the day/argument to own our own shit.

There's not a perfect relationship. But I do believe that there are perfect relationshps to take you to the next level. If you're lucky enough, that can be a lifetime arrangement.

I've been D for 7 years. Nine months post-D I had a disasterous rebound relationship that last 1 1/2 years - about a year too long.

I have known SO for about 5 years, we've been dating/together for 2 years. We don't live together and I'm not sure we will get to that point, but I'm having the time of my life. He makes me feel loved, cared for, treasured, and safe.

NL

NL

dating/together for 2 years. We don't live together and I'm not sure we will get to that point, but I'm having the time of my life. He makes me feel loved, cared for, treasured, and safe.

Ding ding ding, Jackpot! You and other's on SI truly give me a lot of hope...I thought there were no good ones, just in fairy tales...

But thank you for taking the time to respond NL and ALL others!

I'm 43, so yes it has hit me that someone age appropriate for me has probably had a relationship or two (or 20) that went sour. My SO had so many bad relationships that he went celibate and woman free for 7 years before he started dating me. So then I worry about how that 7 years affected him. It could go either way...but I've seen in the last 11 months that he seems to appreciate having someone love him more than other people I've witnessed...and he has been a really good partner to me (we had a few communication hiccups along the way that we've both improved on).

I read recently along the lines of: Looks, money and prestige can all fade away. Find someone who you are compatible with and makes you happy.