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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Emotional Detachment: What is it? And how is it accomplished?
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for newbies.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Oct 2011
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
Healingchange
♀ New Member
Member # 36628
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to SI but unfortunately have been living with my WH's infidelity for over a year now. It has taken me that long to get to a place where I can even begin to emotionally detach. It is hard but necessary. It truly hit home for me that adultery is a type of abuse.

I realize this thread is for those That Just Found Out but for many of those emotional detachment is going to take some time. It seems there are so many other phases that we, as BSs, have to go through.

My emotional detachment began when I realized, really understood, that I could not change him. I'm not even qualified to deal with his issues. He has to do that himself. All I can do is work on ME.

Taking the focus off him and what he is doing ... and yes, that meant to quit checking on him compulsively. The triggers are still there but I find I can control them more and I don't set myself up to encounter triggers.

I think my biggest fear is that when I do totally achieve emotional detachment I will quit caring about him. I won't love him anymore. Hmmm ... Even to myself, I sound like someone who has been in an abusive relationship. My bruises and scars are on the inside though.

I can see how becoming emotionally detached takes time and effort. As BSs I think we know instictively this must be done to eleminate the power the cheaters have over us. Actually doing it with any measurable results is like watching mud dry on a rainy day! It takes time! With just the baby steps I've taken I can see that it will be time and effort well spent as I continue to heal and grow within myself.

I have focused on doing those things that I find enjoyable to me. I listen to music that I like. I watch TV shows that I like. For once my life is about what I like. This is quite new to me as I have always put him first and he has been more than happy to be in the role of receiver. I am learning to give to myself. Life is now about my happiness ... not his. It's about finding my inner joy which I do not need his permission to do. I do not depend on him in any way to accommodate me or validate me.

Life can and will be good again.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Indiana
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen! Sounds like your on your way. Don't be afraid that detaching will only separate. Mine has allowed us to move back toward each other, but on more healthy terms.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:17 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 14th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 8th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's taken the best part of 8 months but this is what I am doing now, without realising it (This is the first time I have read this thread!!).

Each time I feel the emotion getting the better of me I do detach. It helps me to cope. Makes me feel better to remember that I can't control anything but me.

I think my biggest fear is that when I do totally achieve emotional detachment I will quit caring about him.

^^^I was saying this last night. WH saw it as a threat of sorts. It isn't, it's just how I fear it is going to end.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
WallsAreUp
♂ Member
Member # 36821
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. Very hard sometimes still living with the WS but definitely things that will help.


BH (me) 36
11 year old stepdaughter, 3 year old son
DDay: 9/1/12
Status: Divorced on 1/23/14!

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Buckeye State
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With me, detachment came suddenly, about three months after DD2 (where he confessed to starting things up again with same OW, then literally ran out on me and DS). For three months after that I went through a very dark time of being almost obsessed with him, calling, texting, pleading, begging, abusing... nothing to be proud of. I almost kicked down the door to his new 'lovenest' one day... But I had a guardian angel in my therapist, who encouraged me to find harmless ways of getting out all the rage, terror and grief. And one day, while walking my dogs in a remote area, I just broke down and started screaming at the top of my lungs. When I stopped, I was, literally, free. I'd stopped myself loving him or feeling anything but a desire to divorce him. And I never went back. Not ever.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post with excellent information..I have been separated in house for a long time..I have spoken with Lawyers about D which is required to be a no fault one in my state..Because of the financial devastation it would cause me, I haven't pursued D as of yet..
I have been following many of the suggestions listed here in this post and doing so has helped me to survive..

I am about to lose my favorite pocket of safety/ sanity ..Girl time with my sister..

I always look forward to getting together with my sister , this has happened about twice a month, for the last 20 years.. She resides an hour away from me, we always meet downtown, 30 minutes away from home for each of us..
We love to shop, visit art museums, eat dinner together..We look forward to wearing our cute clothes or jewelry that we had made or bought for ourselves during our time apart to show the other while together.. ...
My sister is about to move 800+ miles away in the next few weeks.She and her husband dreamt of retirement in Colorado which is about to come true for her anyway..He husband is still working, his job is based in the location where they are moving to...She will be leaving me and her grown daughter behind when they move
:(
I dream of living in my own place one day. I would love for my new home to be in the same town as my sister's, but I will have to think long and hard about moving so far away from here.. I would be leaving my two beloved grown sons behind...

I need to reengineer my life ASAP, and physically separate from WH...Reconciliation has been off of the table for a long time
For now I feel like my soul is slowly bleeding out :(

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:29 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Nov 2011
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 26th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And one day, while walking my dogs in a remote area, I just broke down and started screaming at the top of my lungs. When I stopped, I was, literally, free. I'd stopped myself loving him or feeling anything but a desire to divorce him. And I never went back. Not ever.

Wow. I am going to take my remaining healthy dog to a remote area and hope for the same thing. This is amazing.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

detaching AND stopping caring about the person who's betrayed you are both possible AND healthy. Unless there's the most unbelievable, total turnaround and your spouse/partner is literally crawling with remorse and all over you with love, detaching as much and as fast as possible is your way of taking back your life, your power and your future.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumpin'


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for newbies.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
anewhaven
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, I'm not sure I understand this: I read somewhere (maybe here?) that there is hope for a marriage when you are sad, and even hope when you are desperately angry, because it shows you still care. But when you 'emotionally detach', that means you have nothing left inside any more and that the marriage is basically unsaveable. Why is it that we want this? I thought detaching meant the very end?

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anewheaven,
Emotional detachment is not giving up on the marriage if that is what you choose to do. It is a tool for decreasing codependent behaviors and focusing on the things you can control, YOURSELF. We BS's are very good at accepting that we are the problem, we need to fix things. We need to fix our WSís we carry and accept their issues. NO, you need to find a way to focus on your healing, your feelings, and your health. Only after you are whole can you think about reengaging a healthy relationship and rebuilding a new Marriage. So donít misunderstand the nature of detachment, itís for you. Itís a focus on you. And I personally disagree with your premise that ďhope for a marriage when you are sad, and even hope when you are desperately angry, because it shows you still careĒ Hope doesnít show you still care, hope for an abusive marriage to change or an abusive spouse to chance is codependency. And yes, there is no more abusive decision you could make than to have an affair. It is the most heinous and angry act one could decide to foist on a marriage. I would take many physical attacks from my wife and it would have been hurtful than the decision to cheat and destroy the trust in our marriage. I donít hope for my marriage or wife. I expect things of it, and both parties involved. I donít hope she starts to care, she does or Iím done. I donít hope she continues counseling, I expect to see her going and interacting about it. The only thing that matters is actions and behaviors. Hope is what those who want to relinquish control of their lives do. Donít hope, DO. Actions!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 125
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