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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no idea who I married.

(((HUGS))))

Hon, that's the refrain of an addict's spouse right there. None of us knew who we married. An addict is a liar & master manipulator. They hide their true self from us until it's too late, they can't keep up the deception, and we are thoroughly enmeshed & devastated.

I still get moments of fright when I realize how much I didn't know about STBX, and yet we lived in the same house for so long. On some gut level I realized some of it, but I did not know the depth of his depravity. Now that I know it scares the shit out of me, even more so since we have young children that I have to allow him to see.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl, thx for your hugs and support. Today has been hard and without you and others on SI, I'd be a complete loony tune.

I can't help but realize he wanted me locked down and married to him before he'd even consider sharing his SA problems with me. This dark side of him he never came close to sharing before marriage or engagement. I admit I'm not perfect, I have lots of things about me I'm not proud of. I'm weird and all. But he KNEW that about me long before we got married.

We have no children, but that is his #1 ambition in life, to be a dad. I don't know if I can have kids with this person. How can I when I don't know if I can trust that I know who he is? He hid so much, what else could he be hiding now? Or even if he is honest now, what the heck could he hide in the future? 20 years from now, a lot of distance will be between these problems (hopefully). And what if this is genetic? He wants a son someday. Will our son be the same and make the same choices he did?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heartfelt advice to anyone with a SA is to not have children if none already exist. Let me tell you what it was like to have children with a SA. He used porn in the nursery while I was taking a well-deserved nap. I caught him masturbating to computer porn WHILE HOLDING A BABY. Any time the children wanted to snuggle or cuddle in bed, I wondered if he was getting an erection or doing something to them under the covers. He walked around naked in front of the kids, even after being told to stop. He burst in on the girls while they were using the toilet. He burst in on them while they were getting dressed. He left extremely deviant & graphic pornographic pictures lying about where the children could have found them (and HE was IN those pictures!). He viewed teen porn. He did not password protect or safeguard his computer porn, and our kids used that same computer to play their cute little Rainbow Brite computer games. That chair, keyboard & mouse I later discovered were covered with ejaculate, and yet he never saw anything wrong with letting the kids play with those items. He used extremely deviant porn while the children & I were in the house. I always wondered what was on his hands whenever he touched the children. His choices in extramarital affair partners exposed us to very risky people, including a convicted drug dealer. Every time I had to leave the children in his care while I ran an errand or whatever, I had that nagging doubt in the back of my mind of what he might be doing to them. He laid down on one of my girls in her bed at night in what experts now tell me was probably classic grooming behavior.

DO YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT???? Do you think you can live like that?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Is that normal behavior for a SA? Is it because it went unchecked? Would it be normal for my H post-treatment to stay in remission (do they call it sober? or does that mean celibate? I don't know, this is very new to me). He seemed relieved that he was a 13/20 on the SA scale, and so said that his behavior wasn't extreme, so he is less worried (it seems).

But on another thread, a SIer said that it's progressive... does this mean he can/might/will progress to the point of your xH?

I hope your children and you are ok now. I had no idea what SA was really like for the loved ones surrounding someone that is SA.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of SA like any other A. You are probably aware that a drug addict has to increase the amount of drug they consume to get high, right? And an alcoholic has to drink more & more to get the buzz? For SA, they have to keep getting more & more deviant sexual stimulation to get that release of endorphins they're chasing. That's why for us spouses, most of us try for quite a while to screw them so much, or give them so many perfect blow jobs, or have threesomes, or participate in something else, whatever, we do it & do it & do it in an effort to help our addict get their fix in a manner we're controlling. Or so we think. In reality we are acting out with our addict, we are being controlled by the addiction too. So then we withdraw sexually, or perhaps by then our addict has moved on beyond us in an effort to get that sexual high. We're left behind eventually. For the majority of us, our addict won't touch us sexually with a 10-foot pole, which is the height of irony, if you think about it. The spouse is left begging for sexual attention but gets rejected, either because the spouse is no longer sexually attractive to the SA, or the A simply needs something the spouse cannot provide any longer.

SA is progressive like all other addictions. What is just porn now will not stay porn. I used to think my STBX was just into porn. I now know porn was the least of his acting out problems. I now know that all the time my insticts were telling me he was doing something, but he was adamantly lying to my face telling me he wasn't - he was. A year ago when I was finally ready to face reality, I started making discovery after discovery. Even after throwing his nasty ass out of the house earlier this year I'm still finding out new information. The depths of his addiction is too revolting to fully grasp, and I am far from a prude or narrow-minded!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NothingElseMatters))) I'm sorry to hear your story. I'm a fixer too. My therapist said this is a good character trait in general, but it's deadly when dealing with a SA husband.

You have a very young marriage and no kids. I would implore you to get yourself some support/therapy as soon as possible. Concentrate on yourself. You deserve it.

I would echo NG's sentiments about NOT having children with a sex addict. I have two children, and I "know" at least a dozen women here on SI.com who deeply regret having children with ex-husbands who LATER turned out to be sex addicts (or men who chronically cheated on them and were never officially diagnosed as SAs).

You can do the research on children who discover that one of their parents is a SA. It's devastating. I'll go through the rest of my life now trying to protect my children from this truth.

Lastly, my STBX started out as the most "perfect" person. If anyone could recover from SA and lead a productive life, it should have been him. He was given many chances to recover, and every time he relapsed worse and worse. The last time was unbelievable - I never thought he was capable of the things he was doing.

I believe that SA is a progressive disease. If the addict does not get help and stick with the program, he/she gets worse and worse. With huge personality changes. They fall down over and over again, worse each time, until they've lost everything. And they still don't CARE!

I'm in the process of divorcing my STBX. We've been married 16 years. And I feel like it's tragic that I spent 16 of the best years of my life with him.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What with the fact that we both had A's, I thought that was a lot of water under the bridge, and that it would be tough, but we could overcome it with lots of IC/MC and self improvement/ healing. This SA issue is still new to me, so I'm in shock/panic/information gathering mode... but I wonder if this could be too much. Does a SA ever completely recover??

You are probably aware that a drug addict has to increase the amount of drug they consume to get high, right?

I hadn't thought of it in this context until today. This makes me so sad.

For the majority of us, our addict won't touch us sexually with a 10-foot pole, which is the height of irony, if you think about it.

Sorry if this is TMI, but we hadn't gotten to this point. I was beginning to wonder if he had a Madonna-whore complex, though. After more time and progression, maybe this would have changed.

What is just porn now will not stay porn. I used to think my STBX was just into porn. I now know porn was the least of his acting out problems.

This is what's scary to me. Just porn doesn't bother me. The creeping, insidious nature of how this is expanding is what bothered me and made me suggest the possibility of SA in the first place. I didn't really know much about it, just that lots of people on SI seem to have WS that struggle with it, so I brought it up... I had no idea how this was gonna mushroom.

I started making discovery after discovery. Even after throwing his nasty ass out of the house earlier this year I'm still finding out new information. The depths of his addiction is too revolting to fully grasp, and I am far from a prude or narrow-minded!

I am very open minded too... I can only imagine what you're finding. I'm sorry that you are still making these horrible discoveries. ((Nature_Girl))

I'm a fixer too. My therapist said this is a good character trait in general, but it's deadly when dealing with a SA husband.

This is really hard. Literally, not having kids is a deal breaker for him. As it is, the fact that I want to wait longer than he does was hard for him to bear (per pre-D-Day conversations).

Lastly, my STBX started out as the most "perfect" person. If anyone could recover from SA and lead a productive life, it should have been him. He was given many chances to recover, and every time he relapsed worse and worse. The last time was unbelievable - I never thought he was capable of the things he was doing.

Literally, I thought that my H was the most honest, pure-hearted person I knew. That's why I married him. He was always the upstanding rule-follower, always logical, went to church (and ascribed to religious beliefs far more than I do), and seemed to really just want to live a good life and be a good person. Simple, right? I had no idea that he was warring with this demon inside him. The fact that this existed and he kept it so well hidden scares me 10x as much as his A that he kept hidden for years. I can't help but wonder if what you're describing is a glimpse into my future. This is so scary, but it's time for me to put my big girl panties and suck it up. This is real.


And I feel like it's tragic that I spent 16 of the best years of my life with him.

This is also a thought I have. I've given him almost 5 years of my life. If he screws me over in 10, I'll be even more devastated that I could have found someone else that isn't sick with this. I'm not perfect either, I've made huge mistakes... but the prospect of having to go through this over and over and have it blow up in my face in a few years is horrible. I'm so sorry you spent 16 of the best years of your life on him, I hope you have 16 blessed, happy ones followed by many more. ((ChoosingHope))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM - I can so relate to where you are. I also found out about my husband's SA only 6 months after our marriage. It is always tough to find out something like that, especially so early into what is supposed to be your "happily ever after." I'm afraid you will never have the marriage you envisioned.

I don't want to be all so1on & gloom here. I think there are SA's who are fully recovered. As much as anyone can be "fully" recovered from any addiction. It is always there, though. He will always have to consciously choose sobriety (not sexually acting out in inappropriate ways - defined slightly differently depending on the organization). He will have to always go to meetings. It is a lifelong process.

As for kids... You don't have to make that decision now. I am on the side of the other women here, though. I personally would never have a child with an SA. You do have to take that with a grain of salt, though, because I have never wanted kids at all. This definitely put a period on that idea & made it official.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NEM, welcome to our little corner of SI. I'm sorry you're in this place, but we'll all help as much as we can. I too am a recovering codep, thanks to FOO issues. I can't help but reiterate, do not 'help' him, be gentle with him "so he will____ or won't _____", etc. These behaviors will hurt *you* most.


I recommend Melody Beattie's book of daily reflections 'The Language of Letting Go'. I need regular reminders to prioritize myself. Go back to page 1 of the thread, it's full of advice and sources of information for newbies. I highly recommend the books by John Bradshaw, and if you can find dvds of his lectures (2nd hand is cheapest), those are best IMO. My suggestions are offered for *you*, not for your WH.

Also, IRL support is crucial. If you can find a meeting near you, start attending S-Anon. It's a 12 step family support group for family members of SA's. Here's a link to the meeting finder:

http://www.sanon.org/meetings/meetinglocations.html

IRL support from people who've BTDT is critical. We're here & happy to reach out, but actual people is best.

Always remember- You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

As far as what my reaction was when SAWH was first diagnosed? Shock and disbelief at first, but acceptance eventually. Recognition and acceptance of the full extent of the ramifications is an ongoing process for me. Rage came after shock. I have been angry for a long long time. The SA rollercoaster ride is horrible. As far as recovery, there is no such thing as being 'recoverED'. For an addict, the addictive behavior patterns are always there, recovery must be tended, worked on, struggled against forever. There isn't an "I'm done now" moment.

I know this is a lot to take in at one time. Keep posting.

Hugs~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beautifulmess-
I'm afraid you will never have the marriage you envisioned.

This has been a tough pill to swallow, but I've had to... ever since D-Day.

I'm not a big fan of small kids. I always figured I'd have one or 2 as a sort of necessary evil and enjoy them more as adults. I'd much prefer adoption of an older child, but H (do I start calling him SAH? Sigh. Still struggling to call him WH) is completely against adoption and wants his own biological children. There are several years before I'm ready, so there isn't a rush. For me at least. In H's case... well, now focusing on his SA is infinitely more important.

Sabina- thank you for the welcome.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Working on making this my mantra. In my panic and shock it's hard to rationalize away that this "isn't that bad" and between the two of us we can "handle it."
There isn't an "I'm done now" moment.

This is something I think I can get, but right now I don't think he is going to. He seems to believe he can 'cure' it and be done with it. Maybe that's a thought he needs to cling to right now.

Did yall's SAH's minimize when they found out they were SA? "Oh it's not that bad..." and "Well, I'm not that SA" are things I'm hearing right now. To my knowledge, he isn't super advanced in the addiction, but that doesn't make it any less dangerous, right?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Minimizing, gaslighting, blameshifting, projection and deflecting are all tools in the addict's arsenal. Your WH will be in denial for a long time and he will use all of these methods (usually unconsciously) to attempt to convince both you and himself that the addiction 'isn't *that* bad'.

~ S.


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat and ChoosingHope -

Thanks for the responses. Hope - He wasn't defensive at the time. He actually handled it really well. Later was when he was trying to explain that he was upset because it hurt him and that he would like me to ask him things like that in not such an accusatory manner. I get that if it's completely innocent that he would want that. And Kat, I agree, pens show up weird places all the time and he works in an office with lots of people, so pens travel like Flat Stanley. He said once he told me how he felt that he felt better because he had shared. I had to make sure he wasn't looking for an apology from me because previously that's exactly what he would have wanted. For me to feel bad about asking and get an apology, setting me up to not ask again. All very manipulative.

I think as well that he's starting to let this kind of stuff in more. So he feels bad that he's caused such destruction. I think he's still figuring out how to process all that and not let it turn into poor me or that someone (me) has wronged him so he can move on to anger so he won't have to feel the pain.

My sighing problem is that how would you think I would NOT trigger over something like a hotel pen that I don't recognize? Because I have to be Mom and am with people or kids pretty much 24/7, my mask of holding it all together is pretty well defined. It doesn't take a lot of work. However, what he's done is going to take more than a year to recover from. I don't know if it's recoverable for our relationship. I was blindsided. I won't ever have solid trust in him again. I don't think he wants to see that and I can't understand why that wouldn't be obvious.

ETA - Choosing Hope - I think maybe you were asking about me letting it go. My IC and even in SAA talk about HALT. If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired - the message isn't going to get through. Our last conversation was at almost midnight after a few really long days. That was a time for me to table my questions as they weren't going to go anywhere productive. I still have them. They haven't gone away. I'm going to discuss with him tonight about us finding time to revisit.

[This message edited by KickedintheGut at 10:14 AM, July 9th (Monday)]


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies. I've been without power for a few days, and I am staring at a 100YO 100ft fallen tree in my back yard. Thank goodness it did not hit a house or a person. So anyway, yeah I've been busy.

NEM, welcome. I only have a minute, so I want to tell you something that is not especially easy to hear, that I would have preferred to soften the blow before telling you. When my SAWH was initially being diagnosed, he scored something like 19 out of 27 on the test, so similar to your SAWH's. Said he was ot presenting like a typical SA, etc. Said he had only been seeing prostitutes, etc for three years. Now, a year later, I know he's been at this for at least 18 years and lied about it the whole time, up until a month ago and it is way worse than you can imagine.

Worse yet, the whole time I was listening to the gentle advice of Hope and NG, who had already been there and done that, trying to tell me this may happen and I didn't want to believe it. Kept telling myself it wasn't that bad, when if fact it was horrific.

We have three young kids. It immensely complicates everything SA. Don't you dare have any right now, you are very young and have plenty of time.

Right now you need to focus on you and not him. To be totally honest, you don't know the full story with him, and he's probably not ready to tell you. Right now, focus on the tools you will need to get through this.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath- thanks for the welcome. I understand you're busy, good luck with that tree!
Said he was ot presenting like a typical SA, etc

Yup, heard this yesterday. I think it's reasonable to assume that's what a SA opening their eyes to their illness would say, no? Like, 'oh it's cancer... but it's not THAT bad'....

If it's way worse than I can imagine... and he's insisting that he's being honest... could he still be hiding more? After this weekend, what he revealed... I didn't think it could get much worse. I'm so scared.

I'm in no rush to have kids. At least 5 years or more. IMO, if we can't sort this and our A's out in 5 years, then we have no business having kids together, and maybe no business even being married still.

To be totally honest, you don't know the full story with him, and he's probably not ready to tell you.

This scares the heck out of me.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worse yet, the whole time I was listening to the gentle advice of Hope and NG, who had already been there and done that, trying to tell me this may happen and I didn't want to believe it. Kept telling myself it wasn't that bad, when if fact it was horrific.

(((((HUGS)))))

We are sisters, we walk this path together.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NothingElseMatters)))
I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. I started thinking about my own D-Day in 2005, and all the shock, rage, betrayal, minimizing, and denial (and bargaining) that I went through. It was horrible.

So, It's going to be difficult to deal with all of this. But please keep posting, no matter what you decide to do. You can always find some support here.

I started to give you some unsolicited advice, but decided to change it to a list of things I wish I had done or known in 2005. For what it's worth, probably very little, here it is. I hope it helps you a little as you move forward.


1) I should have done a trial separation. (Are you already doing this? I wasn't sure.) I should have given myself some space and some peace. Some time to concentrate on myself and figure out what to do - without STBX coming home every night and fake-apologizing to me and white-knuckling it.

2) I should have stayed financially independent. (I quit to SAH.) It is the MOST important thing if things continue to go badly. Right now, I'm divorcing. I can handle nearly anything except for STBX getting overnight visitation - and dealing with a dramatic decrease in my standard of living. My poor parents are sending tons of money down here, and I feel sick about it.

3) I should have skipped the marriage counseling. Going to MC with a SA who is not in recovery is a joke. I should have gone to a CSAT myself and gotten lots and lots of individual therapy.

4) I shouldn't have kept it all a secret. (I told NO ONE except my IC.) The shame nearly killed me. Also, I missed out on hearing the perspectives of NORMAL people - people who love him and care for me. They would have told me to leave my H, I'm sure, and I was terrified to hear it. I'm so sad I kept these secrets for so long. It changed many outcomes.

5) I didn't go to COSA or Al-Anon or another support group. Sitting there in front of real people and admitting your problems is cathartic. But I learned it too late - in 2012 instead of 2005.

6) I wish I was told that only about five percent of SAs manage to have a sustained recovery. They are represented here on this board. Some people made it through. But that leaves the vast majority of us - 95 percent! Many no longer visit this thread - they're on the Separation and Divorce thread, or the Moving On thread. I wish I knew all of this!!!

I wish you all the best. This is difficult stuff to digest, and I'm thinking of you. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

(((Hath))) Relieved to hear the tree didn't fall on your home or worse.

(((KickedInTheGut))) Thanks for the HALT process. I will remember it when dealing with my children. Personally, I don't believe your husband should ever be defensive about things like that, especially since it's only been a years since D-Day. But I'm already divorcing my STBX - perhaps others with husbands in true recovery could help you more.

*****************((((((((((GHOST))))))))))*******************
THINKING OF YOU.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh, how could I forget this:

7) I should not have spent SEVEN years minimizing my STBX's behavior. Managing him. Trying to control him. Trying to be the perfect wife and mom. Thinking that "if only" he didn't have this "problem," our lives would be perfect. Thinking that all problems can be solved by smart, caring people. Killing myself to fix him, watch him, stop him before he did it again.

I really thought I could fix this "problem" with enough love and therapy. I also believed that he loved our children so much that he wouldn't do it anymore. But I was wrong.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, I'm sorry you are rethinking about your D-Day. I'm sure it's quite painful ((Hope))

1) We live a couple hours apart and see each other a couple times a month. It is nice to have some space and decompress on my own. I know we'd have had many blowups about our A's by now otherwise. I really have no idea how I'll figure out what to do, but I'm still in panic mode a bit. Working on coming down off of that.
2) We are financially independent of each other and have roughly the same income. We were going to wait til about a year from now when we move to a new city together to blend our finances. I am now seriously considering being more judicious about that. We were going to have our main account be joint and have our individual accounts get an "allowance." Now I think we should be putting an allowance towards rent and common things instead. He's gonna be pissed when I tell him that, but I do want to protect myself.
3) Yes, I'm focusing on IC for me and he is starting with his CSAT on Wednesday. I agree, MC has to wait and I don't want to waste the money.
..
6) ONLY 5%?!?!
7) This is going to be a hard lesson to learn. I certainly would be learning the hard way if I didn't have the experience of SIers helping me along the way, so thank you.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NothingElseMatters)))

1) We live a couple hours apart and see each other a couple times a month. It is nice to have some space and decompress on my own. I know we'd have had many blowups about our A's by now otherwise. I really have no idea how I'll figure out what to do, but I'm still in panic mode a bit. Working on coming down off of that.
2) We are financially independent of each other and have roughly the same income. We were going to wait til about a year from now when we move to a new city together to blend our finances.

You're way ahead of most people when they first find their way here. And good luck with your IC!

-Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
NothngElseMattrs
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Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx Hope. My IC was kind of not a lot of help. On a personal level, she's great. But she didn't even know what a CSAT was... so that makes me think she doesn't exactly know how to help me deal with H's CSAT issues. I thought about nagging him to make the appointment today, but decided to see if he'd do it on his own. He actually did, and has an appointment for Wednesday, so I'm hoping that helps. He said he has a lot of hope that this guy can help him. His IC from before was kind of a specialist in PTSD, so helping with infidelity and SA issues was definitely out of the guy's league.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

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