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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. Isn't it funny how one day you feel so empowered and the next day you just want to lie in bed?

this.^^^^^^crosses my mind a lot.

(((hugs.)))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How have my feelings toward my SAfWH changed?

I can't answer this question without addressing how I have changed overall. I was a loving, giving, optimistic, generous, out-going, enthusiastic, energetic person. I LOVED life, LOVED getting up in the morning. And I showed that in the way I loved my spouse and my family. I was the one who told people not to hold grudges, that that behavior only hurt the grudge-holder! While there were some signs of my fWS's acting out, I CHOSE not to dwell on them, CHOSE not to snoop, CHOSE to believe him when he told me he loved me, was loyal, etc. I did this because I DIDN'T CHOSE to be an angry, suspicious, nasty, vindictive person...and guess what I became?

My feeling toward my fWS are hard to describe. I mostly just feel numb. Toward almost everything in my life. I have little happiness, and some days of extreme anger and sadness. Because there is other stress in my life with my DS#1's addiction and recovery, I am always on edge. I LOVE my children, would die for them, give them my arms my legs. I WON'T allow my son to practice his addiction. I love him too much.

My fWS is my best friend. I cannot imagine being without the him that he is now. I still admire so much about him. He is talented and smart. He is interesting. We have always enjoyed so many of the same things, although he ignored that fact for years. But I am wary. He is that guy that tore my heart out again and again. I don't trust him.

We are working on getting closer. HE is bound and determined to win back my trust and does everything possible to reassure me. There is very little he could do in addition to what he is doing.

I am also working very hard to heal, but I am absolutely TERRIFIED to let my guard down. I think it would kill me to be betrayed again...

Reconciliation with an SA is not for the faint of heart...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG-
You are not an asshole! You are wisely protecting your spirit!

Thank you

Sabina-

very unhappy once he realized that those days were never coming back

Yeah, he's getting to this. I see it being a consistent problem in the future. Just when I thought he was "getting it"...
*Sternly*, you’re not an asshole for setting boundaries and practicing self care.

Ok, being told twice validates me. I am not an asshole and it is okay to protect and care for myself. I just need to carefully recognize that sometimes he has needs as a BS that I need to help with as a WS. It's very hard to discriminate (probably not possible to separate) that between enabling wayward thoughts/wants on his part.

His IC told him that he is doing great and way ahead of where others typically are. After his last IC meeting, he told me that he cares too much about my opinion. Meanwhile he says things like "I need to heal from my addiction for me, not you." I agree he needs to find the motivation to fix his brokenness and get/stay in active recovery from his SA... but I hear SO MANY things spouting from his mouth that sometimes don't fit together, sometimes don't make sense... sometimes they are hurtful. He has started sentences with "I don't care how you feel" in the past couple weeks. I write these things down so I can remind myself. I try to not take anything too seriously, but it's agonizing when if I said something similar... I'd have to clean up one hell of a mess.

This is so exhausting.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sK)) & ((NEM))

It's all exhausting. Just wanted to offer quick 'drive by' hugs & well wishes. Off to work!


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was me also

CHOSE not to snoop, CHOSE to believe him when he told me he loved me, was loyal, etc. I did this because I DIDN'T CHOSE to be an angry, suspicious, nasty, vindictive person...and guess what I became

I am just so mad at myself. I have made so many bad and stupid choices in my life because i loved WH and thought it was best for "us". I gave up my career dreams to work in his field so we could income split and I could work part time when we had kids. We have worked together for twenty years so now I am well and truly tied to him job wise. After my two best friends moved away about 15 years ago and a couple of bad experiences, I have tended to keep other women at arm's length. I thought WH was all I needed. He was my best friend, he had my back, he would never let me down. We had fun together and I was tired of the backstabbing,catty behaviour which seemed to characterize a lot of female relationships I had encountered. Consequently, I now have only one close girlfriend who I have confided in and even with her I still feel slightly uncomfortable. Talk about "putting all my eggs in one basket". Stupid,stupid,stupid. I have nobody to blame but myself. I should have listened to my mother all thoses years ago. So many of the things she said( that I ignored) have turned out to be true. hindsight sure is 20-20.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Notmetoo2011))))))))))

Woulda, coulda, shoulda...

Ah, what we would do if we had only known.

I guess the only thing we can do is to figure out how to move on and figure out how to be happy again. Easy words. Take the help, support and guidance where we can get it, and let other in.

Hugs and LIGHT to all.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate, sorry

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:31 PM, August 11th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is going through a phase right now where he is fixing up anything and everything around the house so as to keep his mind of of his addiction/porn.
So far he has rewired two TVs, redone parts of the front porch, bought new furniture at Ikea, deep cleaned various random parts of the house, and is now in the process of reorganizing his office. I'm just sitting back and watching cause I really don't feel like doing ANYTHING.

Anyone else's WS doing this stuff?

Talk about "putting all my eggs in one basket"

Sometimes I would feel like that too before I found out last year. I think SA spouses are really needy in some ways, and it's easy to give up your social life to do everything with them, or to care for them (it seems SAs also have a lot of addiction in other areas). Over the past year, I've spent a lot of time reconnecting with old friends and it's been wonderful. You can't watch your SA 24/7, and I think by going out on your own social outings with friends that you're sending the message that the SA must be responsible for themselves.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Kat, I can identify with every word you wrote about how your feelings have changed about your SAWH. And I feel similarly about my kids, only that I may be subjecting them now to things that will set them up for failure later. Hugs.

QVee, my SAWH was doing the same thing. It's starting to wane now, he's getting more into the Olympics and playing Wii with the kids ATM. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

So my therapist has started doing EDMR on me. Short term it appears to be working. Only the long term will tell. The AD is working but I had to quit the sleeping pills until this massive sinus infection is over. Bleah.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@QVee...some parts of SA tell the addict to normalize their lives by getting up at a regular time, setting goals about "normal" activities, etc. This may be part of what you are seeing. My SAfWH neglected things around our home for so long. He had a lot of catching up to do.

@Hath sorry for your sickness, honey, stress surely does that. My IC has done EMDR once. I think the plan is to do it again.

Please keep the kids informed as it is age appropriate. I REALLY REALLY think that the biggest damaged is done is when the kids *think* something is going on and yet everybody is saying things are honky dory. I remember that from my childhood. If kids can TALK about the underlying tension and troubles they can surely feel, I believe that can head off some of the difficulties that may later ensue.

(((((((((((((Spouses))))))))))))

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:59 PM, August 10th (Friday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QVee
Yup, my WS has become Mr Handyman too. (He's crashing around building something in the basement as I type this). Prior to D day he did very little, probably because he was so caught up in his world of porn and entitlement. I was always the one doing stuff around the house and yard, he used to feel like he worked all week so when he was off, he was OFF. It's a nice change and he actually feels better about himself when he's building or fixing things.

Hath,
Hope you're feeling better soon. Sinus infections suck.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H out of town with work friends. GPS says he is at a bar (he says he is at a bar). He sends me a link to the bar. I look up info about this bar... it has burlesque shows.

Me: They have burlesque shows at this place on Saturdays. O.o ?

Him: We must have missed that. Just a regular old bar now [...] If I wanted to get away with that I wouldn't have sent you the website. Please don't worry [...]

....want to believe... want to believe...

...losing my mind.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok well it turns out I don't really have a choice except to believe what he said (that he "must have missed" the burlesque show). This is really frustrating.

He shares his SA thoughts with me and some of them are disturbing. This is really difficult because some of them are tied to my ONS and I am in an awkward spot. Do I comfort him as I am a WS? Do I distance myself because as a BS I don't really want/need to know every detailed SA thought he has? Bleh.

Good thing I have an IC early this week.

I'm really just getting exhausted with how needy he is. I'm pretty sure he knows how frustrating the neediness is to me.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM

You are in a tough spot. I think at least it is a positive sign that your WS is sharing his thoughts with you even if you feel you really don't want/need to hear them all. I think too much communication is better than too little? Maybe down the road when you're feeling more comfortable with his recovery you can let him know you don't need to know every SA thought that goes through his mind.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Shocked  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmetoo, thanks. This is all very difficult because we are trying to find our "new normal."

Many of his thoughts are disturbing to me. It's that much more frustrating because then there's this subsequent pressure to have sex with him whenever we see each other. Some of it comes from me, some from him. We're seeing each other in a few days and I am already nervous about how things are going to go down. I think he isn't actively trying to put pressure on me (maybe I'm making excuses, I don't know), but when I remove myself and think about it... I don't want to have sex at all. All of this A crap and his SA at this point makes me feel completely asexual and disinterested in my sexuality. It sucks too because I used to be very sexual with WH/BH before D-Day. The HB is over I think.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently I am Kat's long lost twin because I could have written every single word of that post about how my feelings have changed.

Faint of heart indeed. And then I find it sad that the last remaining physical manifestation of all this mess is heart palpitations. I still get them, mostly when I drink caffeine and when I get annoyed, but I never had them before all this happened. Damn it. He actually broke my ticker!


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM

I know what you mean about feeling pressure to have sex. I worry that if I don't he'll go back to acting out again, (even though he's assured me otherwise.)

when I remove myself and think about it... I don't want to have sex at all.

This is me too. We went through HB for quite a while but that's over now. When we do have sex I find it very stressful. He still has ED issues so i never know if he is going to be able to perform. I have asked him not to take viagra without telling/asking me first as i want to know what's "real" and what's chemically induced. Afterwards I just feel empty and sad.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I've been away, on vacation - taking some well-deserved "me time." I wish now that I had been checking in because everything going on here is what has been going on in my head recently.

For those of you who are trying to R, how have your feelings changed towards your WS?

This is hard for me to answer because of all the trickle truth and the really gradual way everything came out. Right now I don't know how I feel about him. My emotions are so messed up and entangled that things change from day to day, moment to moment. Often I am just numb.

Of course there is the obvious. I went from trusting him and ignoring my gut (even when it was screaming at me), to finding it very hard to trust even the most mundane things. That has probably been the single-most difficult thing to overcome: trusting. He has lied to me so much that I now see almost everything he says through critical, searching eyes.

The love is still there, but it is different. I still see him as funny, spontaneous, talented, and my best friend. I am impressed by his cooking, his new and growing communication skills, and more. On the other hand I see his flaws much more. There are moments when I look at him and just wonder... why? Why am I still here? What is making me hold on?

When things are great everything feels much deeper, more connected. When we are apart that connection fades much more quickly, though. I wonder a lot if the butterflies are just gone. If there is any way to get back that untainted love. I don't think so. I don't even know that I would want it now, knowing everything I know. Ignorance is not bliss. And I can't ever be 100% sure he won't act out. It's just depressing when I think about it too much...


Notmetoo2011 - I so relate to all that you have been saying. I hope that you find some clarity in all of this (as much as possible).

QVee - I really wish my SAWH would catch that particular bug. He is just as lazy as usual. I left for the weekend with my Mom, sister, and Grandma and came back to a house where he hadn't lifted a single finger. Except to stuff his face and leave trash everywhere, that is. It's maddening. I know what you mean about the friend stuff, too. SA's do leach on and suck up every bit of energy. I have had a hard time connecting to women, historically. I only have a few close friends and some new ones from S-Anon. My Mom is my main confidant.

NEM - Don't have sex with him if you don't want to. That isn't a healthy form of sex that will be good for his recovery, and it won't be good for your mental health.


Now for a little rant...
Sometimes nothing really seems like enough. It's hard to separate what is him and what is me... Will anything ever be enough for me? He has been sober for 1 year and 4 months. That's great. I should be estatic. So why is there nothing but a huge knot in my stomach? Maybe because he never read one single book about addiction? Maybe because he started and half-assed the Sex Addiction Workbook? Maybe because he said he was going to start again from the beginning with his IC and didn't? Maybe because he still hasn't done all 3 of the things his IC requested for any period of time (regular IC, weekly SA meetings and medication)? Maybe because we were supposed to meet with his IC last week, and the IC cancelled... leaving all of the things I wanted to say to him and ask him just bottled up inside?

The most immediate issue that I KNOW is bugging me is that he is STILL not on his medication. It has been a week since I found out he hasn't been taking them since the end of May! He promised he would go back on them - to me and to our MC. He even went to the doctor to get the prescription on Thursday. But then he. never. picked. it. up. All weekend when I was away? Still didn't pick it up.

Then last night he got angry at me for asking him why he was so intent on being to work exactly at 8 pm when he can get there whenever he wants (and he had said he wanted to "spend time with me" after I got back from my weekend away). He blew a fuse (again), and I told him he needed to stop being an ass and start taking his medication like he promised. His response? This has nothing to do with not taking my medication, and I'm going to work now. I lost my composure and yelled after him that he is not sleeping with me or touching me again until he starts taking it.

I know that was wrong and probably controlling. I know it was the exact OPPOSITE of the 180. I was sad and pathetic. I just feel so lost. Why do I keep putting up with this? Or on the other hand - am I expecting too much? Should I be "looking on the bright side?" I think going back to work after a week off is compounding my normal Monday blues, and all of this is just getting overwhelming. Blah...

[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 2:08 PM, August 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer the question, "How have my feelings changed", is interesting.

Prior to our last d-day, my feelings towards my H were anger, hurt, and confusion. I knew a lot already about his acting out through the years, so without really having an understanding of SA, I was angry, bitter, and depressed. It is really difficult to believe that SA behaviors are not directly related to you until you are more advanced in your own recovery. How many times did I feel undesirable and unloved and feel that if only I was more.....(fill in the blank). However, none of that would have mattered. I was operating under that mistaken notion that I should stay until the kids left, not realizing how the extreme level of dysfunction in our lives was affecting our children. I am really hoping that by modeling healthier recovery behaviors that some of the damage to my children can be undone, that they will not be destined to repeat these cycles. My behaviors were also highly dysfunctional and reactionary prior to getting into my own recovery, and I accept responsibility for the damage I did as well.

Post d-day, for the first year, I really felt like my life was out of control and chaotic. I did not start going to S-Anon until almost 9 months after our last d-day, and it was a lifesaver! I did a few sessions with an IC prior to that, but it was a poor fit and she was not a CSAT anyways. I was dealing with a lot of turmoil with the children and trying to pick up the pieces. Due to their extreme anger and disrespect I felt like a single parent. I also had a lot of stuff going on with my own dysfunctional FOO at that time. I felt resentful that he got to go about his recovery and I had to pick up the pieces. I felt unsure whether I wanted to be married to him. I felt anger at the whole 90 days of no sex at the start of his recovery because I felt like I deserved to be sexually satisfied and fulfilled after being ignored for so many years. I felt like everything was so unfair and I was pretty depressed.

I would say that in March of 2011 we had a big fight. We were out and I had triggered badly and accused him of looking at other women. We yelled at each other and then cried together. I really think it was a turning point. He accepted full responsibility for the way I felt and acknowledged that he was the cause of my triggers. This is how he handles triggers even now. I don't trigger that often anymore, but when I do, he tries to comfort me and talk it out with me. I had already had some sessions with my CSAT by then, but started going more earnestly, and working my own recovery more seriously, doing the homework, stepwork, and getting down to the core of my own issues. That has changed a lot. My anxiety has lessened greatly. I have confidence that I will be ok regardless of what happens in the future with my H. My H and I are definitely partners. We have built a new relationship, one that I am comfortable with. At the end of September, he will have been in recovery for 3 years. He has recently completed his first run through of the 12 steps. He has put a lot of work into things. We share intimacy on all levels. I respect him and feel like he has changed a lot. Next year, for our 20th we are going to exchange new rings.

Now, I don't mean to make it sound like life is all sunshine and roses, because it is not! We have went through a lot. It would have been much healthier to have left him years ago, healthier for me and our children. But I was not healthy, either. I still have work to do, for sure. And if my H were to relapse tomorrow, he knows I am gone. But more importantly, he has done the work for himself, and that is why I think he has been serious about it.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for doing more housework, oh yes! My H has been wonderful in this department. He has cited the fact that his addiction used to take up most of his free time, and that he lived in a fantasy world. Now that he is free of all of that, he has a lot more time that he needs to fill constructively, and housework and exercise are ways to do that. We work different schedules, and I work a lot, so it is good for him to have things to do. He also has spent a lot of time building relationships with other males in recovery. Healthy relationships are very important, as addiction is isolating.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
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