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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM (and other newcomers to SA),

HB is not really appropriate in recovery from SA. SA is different from other infidelity in that SA's need to detox from their addiction, so a 90 day celibacy period (from all forms of sex) is generally recommended by most CSATs. It was frustrating to me, because I felt like I was being punished, but it was important to my H. He told me that he felt the affects of withdrawal physically and emotionally, and that it was important to him to maintain this celibacy.

Recovering a meaningful and intimate sex life from SA takes a lot of time. First and foremost, the SA has to be in a real recovery. Some can white-knuckle and abstain for awhile, and some are secretly masturbating. Unless there is a real reset and recovery, there will be sexual issues. And suffering from ED is VERY common with SA's, especially those not in a recovery. My H had terrible ED with me in the last 10 years before he entered recovery. He had cialis, but didn't want to "waste it on me". That was very hurtful.

A year and a half into recovery, our sex life began to improve. We now are intimate several times a month, which is a huge improvement from 1-2x's a year. It was very important for my H to clear his mind and get into a point of recovery where he could intimately connect with me. Basically, we don't engage unless we are both on board, and we have to both be in the right mindset emotionally. I know that sounds complicated, but it is healthy. We don't have some rip roaring hot sex life (compared to the stuff that other people say), but we have a satisfying and loving intimacy that has furthered our relationship.

Early on, sex needs to be de-emphasized. That is difficult, because we want that validation that we are ok, and that we are as important as the addiction. We will not cause them to act out by not having sex with them; they make that choice, and NOTHING we do or don't do can make them choose recovery. Work on yourself, and then observe for signs of true recovery in your SA.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 3:23 PM, August 13th (Monday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too ManyYears, you bring up a great point about SA. Often us SA spouses have had the short end of the stick for awhile when it comes to sex with our SAs. It's like their sexual intimacy is misplaced. They have problems performing with us (e.g. ED, low libido, premature, etc.), but they are acting out in other ways. That's why I think it's so hard to come to terms with the SA for us sometimes. It's easy for us to take it personal, and think that we are undesirable, when the real truth is that it has nothing to do with us; our SA is damaged in the sexual department and misplaces their desire onto inappropriate things (other women, porn, prostitutes...).

BeautifulMess, if you do not mind disclosing, can I ask what medication your H is taking?

On an update for me, my WS went to IC today. It seemed to go really well. He read my letter (impacts, help, boundaries) with the IC. He brought me flowers, and we talked when he returned home. He thanked me for being so supportive, and showed me his "to-do list" for therapy.

And I just want to say, that if I don't always comment on everyone's question or post, I may not always know what to say or what advice to give, but I appreciate your posting. Just being able to read that others are going through similar circumstances makes me feel a little less lonely each day.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QVee - I'm not sure off the top of my head. I will have to look when I get home today.

I'm glad your husband is in IC. It really takes a lot of hard work and reflection to be in active recovery from an addition. I'm holding you in the light.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, beautifulmess :)

Today I found a hat that OW sent my H several months ago. I asked my H, "This is the hat that she made for you, isn't it?" He confirmed.

I told him that I want to cut it up into little pieces, take a picture, and email it to her.

He told me, "Go ahead."

I think we're making progress.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All-
Thank you for the support. It helps to know that others have been there.

H is not doing the 90 days of sobriety thing. Or even 30. His CSAT is supporting him in only having healthy sex with me (this is what he tells me, I have not talked with the CSAT yet), and not acting out at all (I think he's been successful at this, I don't ask and he doesn't say). We do not live together (a couple hours apart currently), and he is possibly about to go on an extended (months) long trip for work where he will not have access to me, porn, or privacy, so I imagine this is going to be his main time of sobriety. Unfortunately this is also going to be a time where he may not be able to have his SA recovery reading material with him. I'm debating seeing if there are many kindle/nook versions of these books and getting him an ipad/kindle/nook/whatever so that he can read and have privacy without nosy coworkers/friends poking into what he's reading all the time. Without his CSAT and me to give him consistent, sustained support, I do worry about what his recovery is going to look like coming out the other end of this long trip. We'll see.

I have been working on (and somewhat successful at) getting back to being "happy." I use quotations because after D-Day and WTF Day, everything is relative. But as these things go, I am seeing glimmers of hope that I can begin to live again, despite the circumstances.

...that being said, next week will probably be a shit week chock full of triggers. I gotta take my pluses where I can get them.

As to the issue of whether or not we'll have sex... I don't know. I still don't feel like it, my libido is completely shot. And at 25 that's really depressing. TBH I'm going to play it by ear and see how things go. It's possible that it doesn't matter what H does or says, I may still just not feel like it. Hopefully we can rely on other ways of bonding. It hurt me deeply to begin to see/hear/understand that the only way he felt and expressed love to me was through sex. He did acts of kindness sometimes, gave me gifts, etc. before the addiction came to light... but he said something along the lines of he only felt that communication of love in sex. It's very perplexing to me.

I do know there was a great burden on sex with us. It hurt him that I didn't draw deep, profound, epic meaning from sex together. It was a fun activity that we enjoyed together. Sometimes we'd have a moment of true connection, but that was certainly the exception rather than the rule (for me). It frustrated the heck out of me that he wanted to "make love" whenever it was time for sex and he didn't want to have "fun" or "wild animal" sex with me very much. We both grew to resent each other because he felt that I wasn't taking sex seriously enough and I was sick of him taking it so seriously. What a burden. What I didn't realize, though, was that this was the main way that his "love bank" with me was filled. He and I both need to change how we view that. And I hope we find some healthy, middle ground for sex.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH did not do the 90 days of abstinence from sex either. The first IC he saw was not a CSAT but supposedly specialized in sex addiction. WH asked him about abstinence, as I had read here or elsewhere that it is usually recommended, but the IC did not feel it was necessary??

WH's addiction began many years ago with porn (specifically BDSM) and then escalated to As where he tried to act out his online fantasies with real people. At DDay he was looking at porn and masturbating daily as well as carrying on an A. He freely admits that only heavy duty BDSM stuff turned him on by the time he was caught. He has been sober from all porn and has not masturbated since DDay. He found it hard at first but says he feels his mind is clear now and has no desire to go back to that way of life. He found a CSAT in January and has been seeing her regularly though it is difficult because she lives an hour a way and her work hours are such that make scheduling appointments a challenge. She put him in contact with a SAA group which he has been going to weekly. Where we live has very limited resources for this sort of thing. The SAA group has only just been listed online though apparently it has been operating for a few years. The first IC didn't know about it.

We are trying to rebuild a healthy sex life though I am triggered by so many things that it is hard. Ironically, prior to DDay, I thought we had a great marriage with the only negative being our sex life. I told myself that I should be content with having a good husband who was kind and loving and that after all these years together a lousy sex life didn't matter. I even imagined what having an affair would be like( purely hypothetically ) but decided I could never do that to him even if the opportunity presented because I wouldn't want to hurt him. That's part of what makes me so mad. I settled for a lousy sex life because I thought the rest of what we had together was worth it, meanwhile unbeknownst to me he was off f--king friends, employees, strangers whoever.

I am trying to rebuild myself. I definitely have co-dependent tendencies even though I hate that label. I think I am succeeding in distancing myself from his recovery. I have his passwords and access to his phone but I only occasionally look at his online history or cell phone. Part of me thinks I should be monitoring more but I can't live that way. It's too exhausting. All I want is to find out if he does act out again so I can call it quits.

I had a scare the other week. I was going over the VISA bill and noticed a couple of recurring charges to the same company. I had noticed them before but always thought they were charges for games one of our DS's had bought online. After questioning DS and him denying any knowledge of the charges I phoned the number under the charge. I asked what kind of company they were and was told they were a people search company. My heart almost stopped, I was sure it must be something to do with WH. I hung up and did a google search of the company name. Turns out they do reverse phone number look ups. Back in Feb I had some weird text messages sent me and WH paid to do an online search of the number they came from. Somewhere in the small print there was something saying this company could then charge you monthly forever. WH phoned the company back, complained and got the charges all reversed. Phew, it was a relief to find out WH was not up to anything. A small victory I guess :)

Sorry,this has turned into a major ramble without any real direction. If anyone is still reading thanks for listening. Hugs and strength to all.

(((spouses)))


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I discovered that WH had lied again (by answering a fake ad I placed on Craig’s List) I told myself I was done. I was so angry and humiliated! It’s been 3 weeks and I’ve been pretty good at NC. He has sent me flowers and cards. He has also joined a recovery program for sex addiction and is also going to church. He says it took for him to hit rock bottom to realize what was wrong with him. He keeps saying he’s going to make this right and get better for himself and then prove to me he can be the husband of my dreams.
The last couple of days, I’ve started thinking about how much I miss him and how great it would be if he finally “got it”. I keep thinking what if he really is changing… His friends are even noticing. I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m entertaining the idea of giving him another shot. There have been several DDays. He has admitted to cheating, but won't tell me how many (says I won't believe him). He said it wasn't just physical for him!!:( I’m mad at myself for feeling this way!!!! I know it’s way too early and he has no clue I’m even thinking this… A huge part of me is fighting this feeling because I keep remembering all the pain I’ve felt over the last several years and never wanting to feel that pain again.. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt and struggled with the same feelings and what you did about it.
He's been sending me updates on his progress via email the last week. He seemed to be doing good, which made me miss him! :(
BUT******
On that, today he called from a blocked number and said I just wanted to hear your voice and say hello. We talked for a little bit (his mother is in the hospital). He then asked when I was going to tell him whether or not I was working on this or filing for divorce. I told him I was unsure and just working on myself right now. He said he needed an answer soon because he can't keep living in limbo and he wants to show me how he's changed.
I told him he needs to be in counseling and fixing this for himself. I said it's only been 3 weeks. He said I know, I still have a lot of work to do, but I've realized a lot. I also said I've been living in limbo for years not knowing what was going to happen next... I said divorce is a big decision and i wasn't ready to make any moves yet. I mean I still feel like I have no answers and I'm still in this fog... Trying to figure out what has happened to my life the last 7 years!! He then made me feel bad and said that while he was working on himself to fix our marriage, I'm busy working and going out with my friends. I'm still feeling guilty and I'm not sure why? I'm kind of in shock right now... How dare he pressure me to give him an answer because he's in limbo, WTF????
How much time did your WS give you to reach a decision? What are some of the steps he needs to take in SA recovery?

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin, I would go back to NC. He is manipulating you. Saying that he needs to know soon if you want D is bullshit. he is probably white knuckling his recovery, if that, and only doing things to get you back. if he is asking you to hurry up already and make a decision and that its not fair he has to do hard work while you practice good self care.... he is an asshole and not "getting it." I'd expect for him to revert back to old behavior once he gets what he wants.

maybe he will reach the point where he gets it and does the right things for the right reasons... in the meantime you should keep taking care of yourself and take your time to decide if you want R or S/D. he is uncomfortable in limbo? Too bad. you're here in this place because of HIS choices.

(((Lastin)))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much time did your WS give you to reach a decision?

Also, it should not be a case of HIM giving YOU time. Think about that, hon. You are the one in position of power. You have control over you and your own life. Don't let him reclaim any of that by being able to say "well, time's up, you took too long to decide between R or D, so I'm choosing for you." F that. If that happens, you are way better off without someone who would say that in your life.3 weeks is not long at all!!! He needs to learn the power of patience, which will take time and willpower.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothingElseMatters -

I'm debating seeing if there are many kindle/nook versions of these books and getting him an ipad/kindle/nook/whatever so that he can read and have privacy without nosy coworkers/friends poking into what he's reading all the time. Without his CSAT and me to give him consistent, sustained support, I do worry about what his recovery is going to look like coming out the other end of this long trip. We'll see.

Don't. This is not your job. You cannot save him. This isn't support, this is doing FOR him instead of supporting him doing it himself.

I have been working on (and somewhat successful at) getting back to being "happy." I use quotations because after D-Day and WTF Day, everything is relative. But as these things go, I am seeing glimmers of hope that I can begin to live again, despite the circumstances.

Good Girl! Sometime I swear I would just make lists of blessings in my life. My first two were always my kids, but I tried really hard to remember that my M isn't the entirety of my life. I have more.

As to the issue of whether or not we'll have sex... I don't know. I still don't feel like it, my libido is completely shot.

If you don't want to... don't. I had no interest in touching my husband for months and cried after the first time we had sex after the 90 days. We also made the deal that I would be the only one initiating sex for a while. It took the pressure off.

Wishing you the best.

[This message edited by KickedintheGut at 4:53 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there room for one more? I haven’t had a chance to read through this whole thread, but I think I need to join in.

My original post from JFO is still listed in my recent posts in my profile (Just starting out here-very long). I found SI in August last year and was lurking until I registered in early June of this year. I am so thankful I found this wonderful place of support in advance of the s**t really hitting the fan. I would be even more lost if I was starting from scratch. I was suspicious of WH behavior for a while – but when I discovered the truth about what is REALLY going on I feel like I have been catapulted into the Twilight Zone!

Basically WH started some very peculiar behavior on the computer and I got gaslighted in May when I confronted him. I kept pushing and WH finally told me he had been going on a live video sex chat site for a couple of months, but he never paid for “private” chats. He just went to chat to the girls and have a great big ‘ole social time with the other visitors. WH said he was respectful of the girls and kept the other visitors in line when they got rude. WH even says that he has thought about it, and if I were going on a site like this, it wouldn’t bother him. Wow. But, WH says he will stop going to the site if it makes me uncomfortable. I tell him to stop and it “appears” that he does.

So I go into super-sleuth mode thanks to SI and at the end of June I discover the truth. It rocked my world! WH has been going on this site for almost two years and has spent a mind-boggling amount of our life savings doing it. He had the cc bill sent to his work and I never saw it. Never saw the money he was draining out of our savings. He constantly complained we didn’t have enough to cover the bills – and now I know why!!

I got all my ducks in a row and confronted WH with my list of requirements for continuing our marriage. WH tried to squirm his way out of it, but then realized he couldn’t and became completely cooperative and transparent (believe me, I didn’t REALLY trust I was getting the whole truth). WH told me he would do anything and give me everything I required to save our 35 year marriage. Immediately stop all online activities, stop/delete all porn, full financial transparency, all passwords and screen names , I now do all the bills, IC/MC – STD testing. He fought the testing, but did it in the end. WH admitted to reading the CL ads “because they are funny,” and he couldn’t explain how the hotel finder app got on his smart phone. He was adamant that nothing EVER happened in real life. I stood firm on the testing.

I started IC immediately. WH had a harder time finding one, and has only gone twice in the last month, with 2 weeks between appointments. Even his IC was blown away by the money he spent. From the very beginning WH has been insistent that these activities were just a “game” and he just did it “for fun.” He created an alternate persona on this site (20 years younger, two small children not two grown DS – we are empty nesters). WH told me he only saw them naked in private a few times and only MB once – in two years!

He insists that this was not a betrayal of our marriage, it was not an affair, he didn’t have an emotional connection to these girls and it NEVER impacted his feelings toward me. I, of course, have a completely different view and have told him repeatedly that this was a betrayal that wounded me to my deepest core. I told him I noticed his distance and disconnect from our marriage, I was begging him for gestures of affection, he stayed late at work to go online, he fell asleep in his chair at night instead of coming to bed with me and on and on.

So, of course, he couldn’t keep off the site! A few weeks ago he went out to dinner and had a little too much to drink, came home and jumped on (and paid for) the sex site. Told me the next day, with tears, he’s so sorry, there’s no excuse, please don’t leave me, blah, blah blah.

The real kicker – his second IC was last Friday. That night he goes on again, pays again, and it has been NON-STOP every night since. I have been in super-actress mode and pretending I am completely unaware that he has resumed. He sits six feet away from me in the living room on his computer while he is talking to these sluts! Did I suddenly get stupid that I am not aware of what he is doing? Nope, not a chance.

The interactions WH has with these sluts (sorry, I can’t refer to them any other way) is truly horrifying and disgusting. WH says the most vile, disgusting, degrading things to them. Then he turns it around (eventually, after much $$ I’m sure) and gets all nice and respectful. This is so they will begin to think of him as a “great man.” So they will stroke his ego. He says it is a game to be vile and abusive and then turn around and get them to admire him. Idiot – what do you think you are paying them for!! I cannot fathom that the vile, disgusting man on the site is my husband of over three decades. I cannot reconcile the two.

After the initial Dday I had a clear plan of action and steps I needed to take to protect myself – emotionally and financially. I really didn’t know how he was going to react to the confrontation, so I prepared as carefully as I could. Now, two more ddays later, I feel lost. I knew it was likely he had an addiction of some kind - internet or porn, maybe. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I think he is truly, truly sick. How can he sit there and risk our marriage by paying $2.99 a minute right in front of my face. He is so deep in denial and he obviously can’t stop.

I don’t know what to do, where do I go from here. Thanks for reading.

nightsky


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothingElseMatters... Thank you for your response. I know I have the power, I just feel so weak at times and I thought the same thing... that he was manipulating me again. He sent me a message this morning apologizing for pressuring me. I never responded.

I'm so mad at him for backing me into a corner again. This is the 3rd time since January that I've moved out. A few days before he answered the ad and before he was diagnosed a sex addict, I told him one more time and I was leaving, getting off the roller coaster that has become my life... Obviously, my words at the time meant nothing and he still needed to feed his addiction with the internet and who knows maybe he met up with others the weekend I was gone. That's another thing, I asked how many people he has been with and he refuses to tell me, saying that chapter is closed... Now I'm rambling. Thanks again.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KitG-
Thank you. I needed a mini 2x4 there. Old codependent habits die hard, eh?

I cried the first time we had sex after WTF Day (when I found out he was SA and some other details about his past that are still extremely unsettling). I did initiate, but it was after he was grumpy, cranky, irritable, completely not himself because he wasn't acting out on his own. It was so not like the usual sex we had before D-Day, and even in the subsequent HB.

Thank you so much for your support ((KitG)).

nightsky-
Welcome, this is a wonderful thread. I hope you find some help and healing here. It sounds like your H will only do the specific crystal clear things you lay out for him to do. The bare minimum if you will. Do you feel like he is just "getting better" and meeting criteria in order to please you, and not in order to be a better person himself and a safe spouse again?

clear plan of action and steps I needed to take to protect myself – emotionally and financially.

I don’t know what to do, where do I go from here


What steps did you take/plan to take/have taken? Maybe you drew a hypothetical line in the sand, to yourself and to him, but really you do need to establish firmly where "enough is enough" lies. How much you are willing to endure/ how long you are willing to wait. If it is difficult emotionally.... maybe financially? Is there a dollar amount that if you saw disappear from your bank account to pay for these antics that would just be too much?

Personally, as someone in the STEM (science/tech/engineering/math) field, seeing certain significant numbers pop up as deductions to pay certain bills would KILL me and just be too much. Permutations of my birthday, his, our anniversary, years together, anything that reminded of pets' bdays/ages... addresses, things like that. Seeing those pop up over and over and over would eventually prove too much for me.

Is it possible that you are willing to keep tolerating this behavior, and therefore, you do? You know he is doing this stuff still... what are you waiting for to confront him with? Enough ammo to be ok with filing for D?

lastin-
I'm sorry you feel you are weak. It's like working out... you will build up endurance! You're doing great. Not responding to his half assed text/apology... well done.

who knows maybe he met up with others the weekend I was gone. That's another thing, I asked how many people he has been with and he refuses to tell me, saying that chapter is closed

Has he been tested? Have you?? Are you still having sex with him?

How many people he has been with... you mean since your M, right? I think this is a totally valid question and you have every right to know how many partners he has interjected between him and you. That chapter is closed? I can see why he would feel that revisiting it is wrong in a sense that he should not fantasize and go over the details of his encounters out of wedlock... but you have a right to know how many individuals' potential STD's you've been exposed to. From the probability and statistics perspective... remember that commercial where 2 people are in bed and the woman asks this guy how many people he has been with in his life... and he looks at her, then the camera pans out to show a crowd of women behind him, then it switches to her and pans out to her supposed past sexual partners behind her... and the commercial implies that "this is how many people you are in bed with when you are with your partner... get tested." Really... think about this. Even one person is offensive, but if it's 5 or 15 or 25+.... you have a RIGHT to know. Your H withholding this information is hazardous to your health, well-being, and your self-respect. It is an indicator of his respect for you that he says that you don't get to know.

I firmly believe I have a right to know if Mr NEM has exposed me to more than OW#1 (sex, no condom) and OW#2 (making out), and conversely he has a right to know what he has been exposed to (OM- sex, with condom).

Hugs to all newbie and veteran spouses of SA's. You ladies give me strength.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothingElseMatters

Yes, I want to now how many women he has been with since we've been in a relationship/married. I really don't want details.

I've caught him several times (too many times to count) answering ads/texting other women. But, there are 4 different occasions when I suspected he was with someone else.. One time he came home drunk (4am) smelling like another woman. I had this weird sick feeling. The person he said he was with accidentially told me several days later that he was home in bed at midnight.. oops! I confronted him and he says he doesn't remember where he was... the other times I suspected he had cheated, i had the same gut feeling. I just knew something was up. I'm so mad at myself now for not digging more back then. I felt like I was going crazy at times with all the bad feelings I was having. In the 7 years we've been together, I never denied him sex, so I never thought he was going elsewhere, you know. He was the one that was denying me, due to low testosterone.. :( Little did I know he was saving it up for everyone else! So humiliating!!!!

I've been tested and haven't slept with him since I left. Not sure if he's been tested.

Thank you so much for responding. Your support and knowledge means everything to me.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just knew something was up. I'm so mad at myself now for not digging more back then. I felt like I was going crazy at times with all the bad feelings I was having. In the 7 years we've been together, I never denied him sex, so I never thought he was going elsewhere, you know.

I could have written these words myself. I was OBLIVIOUS when he was with OW#1. But there was a suspected OW#1.5 in there that I had THE WORST gut feeling ever about. TBH, I still think that someday, Mr NEM will *magically* decide to tell me the truth about her. But who knows. Deep down, I suspect that he is not going to put anything new on the table because he risks it being a dealbreaker for me. And unfortunately, unless I am able to dig and find something, I will never know. He was thorough when it came to deleting the phone/internet trails of his antics.

But don't be mad at yourself for not digging more. You were not on SI. You did not have the resources and support that you have now. And even still, you should not have to dig to know what your husband is up to and to know who he is. I firmlyfirmlyfirmly believe this and it is at the core of my struggle to press forward with R with Mr NEM. I hope to all things bright and beautiful that I can reach the point that I do not have to feel this way, so cynical and damaged and angry. I imagine you feel somewhat like this.

I'm so glad you've been tested. I hope it brought you some peace of mind. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Working out? Cooking fun meals that you couldn't make when he was around? Putting on cheesy music or movies that you like to listen to/ see on your own but are embarassed to do when someone else is around? Reading that same favorite book/series for the umpteenth time?

(((lastin)))) I hope you find peace and happiness. You deserve it


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nightsky--

If I may ask, how has your sex life been with your husband before finding out? One thing I've learned is that many SAs can't be intimate with their wives, but have no trouble having sex in anonymous encounters or online.

If you do find out that your husband is addicted to online porn/cybersex, that is what mine is addicted to as well. I would be happy to share my story with you or anything else I have learned. I also wrote a letter to my husband establishing boundaries and such, and will share that if you or anyone so desires.

Hang in there!

Hugs to you all!


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, back again. I kind of felt it was pointless for me to post here while my WH was in denial.

This past month all hell has broken loose.

July 21he lost his job due to sexual harassment. He was hitting on a 20 year old employee and she turned him in to HR and he got fired for it.

Over the next two weeks of TT some about what happened with the girl he got fired for, and then an epic bomb, he told me he'd had two more PA's during the past 5 years of our marriage, one of them lasting over 2 years. There was some more TT with that too. He neverused protection and so on my son's 5th birthday I was getting tested for STD's. Thankfuly all came back negative.

Him losing his job was the BEST thing that could have happened however. I told him that karma was kicking his ass, but taking all of us down with him. He was denied unemployment because he was fired for misconduct (ya think?) and he's had a hard time getting interviews and such.

However, I believe he's finally hit his rock bottom. Once he gave me full disclosure, things started happening fast. He started attending SA meetings (3 a week), he's reached out to a friend of mine, her husband who is a recovering SA for help/sponsor. He started going to church (he's not set foot in a church our entire marriage), he's attending a therapy workshop this weekend (3 days) for SA's (Every Man's Battle) and he's still in therapy, but actually being HONEST about it. He's made it to 10 SA meetings so far. Something he absolutely refused to do before, because he "didn't have an addiction". He's stopped masturbating because he learned in SA that it takes away intimacy from us. We tried to be intimate once, but I couldn't due to mind movies, and then *HE* suggested the dry period. He's read one of Patrick Carnes books already and has begun another. He's also reading his white book and working on the Sex Addiction Workbook.

I am in S-anon myself and I'm beyond happy with my group. They are amazing. My therapist is my lifeline right now too. I did have to get on some AD's during this time because the anxiety was way too much for me to handle with the job loss, the extra affairs, etc.

He knows I don't trust him at all. He knows it takes action, not words. It is going to take a LOT for me to heal from this. I'm now learning how NOT to be co-dependant and enabling with him. He can worry about his own recovery and I will worry about mine.

This weekend while he's at his workshop I am going to be doing some work myself. I'm going to firm up our marital boundaries that we had (which he walked all over). I'm coming up with a list of MY non-negotiables (i.e. he HASto stay in SA to continue our marriage) and consequences for these actions.

I truly hope this was his bottom because I can't take anymore, that I know for sure. I did, in anger, burn some of his clothes in the driveway the morning I found out about the other two AP's. Probably not the best, but it did feel good in the moment.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
littlebee33
♀ New Member
Member # 36496
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I posted yesterday on the "Just Found Out" Forum and was sent over here. D-day 1 was on Friday and massive D-day 2 was on Monday. I'm still cycling through many emotions throughout the day. Just when I think I got it handled, I take a nose dive into rage or sadness...it's exhausting. From the moment I started finding everything out my husband expressed that he desperately wanted counseling and that he has a serious problem. He says he had actually been looking into calling a counselor before I found out everything, but that he was scared of how I would take it.

Mostly he has been very open (I think) and he was tried to apologize. However, he has moments where he does hurtful things. Like on Tuesday, he came home and didn't really talked to me. This hurt my feelings and I told him so. He said he was afraid to talk to me because he didn't want to hurt me. Then yesterday I was getting all the details of everything that went on (fun times) and towards the end (after four hours of this) he snapped at me because I kept telling him I didn't believe him. He said he was sorry a million times, but that he just doesn't know what to say to me to help me believe that he's not lying.

I have decided that I'm not going to do anything to fix this marriage. I'm just going to take care of myself for right now. Therefore, he's the one that brought up counseling, found a counselor and booked our appointments. He also found a sex addict anonymous group in town and is going to start going next week.

I feel like he's mostly doing the things that I would want him to do in this situation, but a) I can't imagine getting past what he did to me and b) I don't know how to take those spurts of frustration from him even if they're only momentary.

Either way, I'm glad you guys started this thread and that we can try to support each other through this horrible mental affliction.


D-Day: Aug. 10, 2012
Me - BS - 27
Him - (SA)WH - 30
No kids.
Together 6 years, married 1.5 years.

Life is never what we planned it to be.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin - I know that I'm behind and have more to read, but I just had to address one thing.

He then made me feel bad and said that while he was working on himself to fix our marriage, I'm busy working and going out with my friends.

If he is working on his sex addiction to "fix your marriage," then he isn't in real recovery. SA's only recover if they are recoving for THEM. If your decision about the marriage would change his decision to get well, then he isn't really dedicated to getting well. This is a HUGE red flag.

He is also manipulating and trying to blamshift and make you feel guilty and sorry for him. Don't buy into that! YOU didn't cause this. YOU can't cure it. YOU can't change it. That also means you can't be blamed for him being in limbo. That is a consequence of his actions. I would make it very clear now that if he wants an immediate ansewr it will be "Goodbye." If he wants a chance to stay in the marriage, then things need to be done at a pace that makes you comfortable. He also needs to understand that you can't dictate what that will be right now - just until you feel SAFE with him.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to chime in and welcome the newbies. And here is the standard advice...look at the first page of the thread and research the books that are there. They can help you understand and navigate this nightmare.

I am in a 33+ marriage with a now sober SA. I can't say it is all roses and fairytales. There are still rocky days. My story is in my profile.

The one thing that got me through the beginning days was my connection with an Sanon group. The wisdom, experiences and yes, the HUMOR of the women there let me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I wasn't crazy, I wasn't alone, and I wasn't going to die. I also learned to set boundaries that worked for ME and they weren't always the ones set by the BS sitting next to me.

The fellowship here is also wonderfully valuable. One advantage of SI is that IRL, I tend to take on the role of rescuer, I don't always allow myself to be the "helpee." HERE, I can whine, scream, vent, but I can also try to help at times, too.

IMHO, SAs CAN recover. I know quite a few admirable men who have years of sobriety. They actively work their program every day. That's not the same as saying all spouses can heal. Many marriages survive, some don't.

Here we have a way of showing support, hugs, (((((((SA SPOUSES))))))) and in the tradition of my particular religion we like to hold each other in the *******LIGHT*******

Love and Light to all of you.
SK
Please feel free to send me PM if you need.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

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