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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't go into too much detail... but man. The rest of the world just does not know what goes on behind closed doors. I've had several conversations with friends/coworkers today about non-A related stuff... and I keep having the realization that with so many people in my life... I'm just living on the surface. So much of all of this is hidden in shame. My A, his A, his SA. People just don't know.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing else matters – you ask why I keep tolerating the behavior. Good question. WH has only had two IC sessions and they were the standard introductory and let’s get the background of your life kind of sessions. I know SA was not even addressed. I don’t think WH even considers SA to be a factor in his life. I had suspended my own IC because I thought I was in a good place and was just “waiting” until WH did the work on himself so we could start MC. Of course, that was before Dday # 2 and 3 and I found out he had started up again with the online chats and porn. That was before I had any idea of what I was REALLY dealing with.


Before confronting WH I had taken the following steps because I didn’t know how he was going to react – consulted a lawyer, opened a secret bank account, opened a secret mailbox, photocopied everything I could get my hands on and stored it outside the house, created a list of requirements for staying in the marriage which I gave to him at the confrontation. WH still has NO knowledge of most of this, nor will he ever. I was very good a creating a plan of action (with the help of SI) and following through. That was the easy stuff (for me). Now that that plan has been executed I’m faced with the not so easy stuff. I realize now that I focused so much on the plan I didn’t look ahead to what comes next.


So, I guess I am waiting because I feel like I need to give him a chance. If SA has not even been addressed yet, how can I hefty his ass and toss him out? I can feel the 2x4 – I can’t fix him, I am only responsible for myself and need to look after my own self care. Back to IC for me for sure! I am beginning to see a lot of behavior/patterns in myself and in our marriage that will need a lot of work. Codependency? This is a new concept for me as well.

You mention certain permutations of numbers. I can see by the cc bills that there was NO special date or holiday when he was not paying for his online sluts – my birthday, our anniversary, his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving – literally every important family event or holiday – for at least the two years which I can trace. Yuck!! I won’t even wear the gift he gave me for Christmas last year because I feel it is tainted.

QVee – you asked about our sex life. Here comes way too much TMI, but where else can I feel safe enough to share like this…

That is the crazy thing! The last year has been great! WH has been on medication for depression and anxiety for over 12 years. The medication gave him ED issues, he couldn’t “finish” when we had sex. The typical ED medications did not work for him. This was obviously very frustrating for him! So it got to the point where we didn’t even try. I felt like it wasn’t fair to him to leave him frustrated. We were having sex about 2 times a year for almost 10 years. Typing this now, it’s hard to believe I lived in a virtually sexless marriage for so long.

Anyway, about two years ago I began to take matters into my own hands, so to speak I started initiating much more often. And it was great!! WH didn’t have issues, or at least, almost never. The last year has been at least 2-3 times a month. Believe me at my over-50 age I was ecstatic to be “getting it” on a regular basis!

Of course, now I realize that the timing of when I starting being more proactive is when he starting paying for the online chats. Honestly, I don’t know what that means at all! Did he have problems for the first ten years because he was he so busy MB to online porn? Is the timing of paying for the video chats and the increase in our sex life just a coincidence? I have even thought that things improved because he was thinking of his online sluts while he was having sex with me. Ugh!!!! I don’t even want him to touch me right now. I can barely stand to give him a kiss goodbye in the morning.

Thanks for the support. I guess it is time for a new plan of action.

[This message edited by nightsky at 8:28 AM, August 18th (Saturday)]


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been on medication for depression and anxiety for over 12 years. The medication gave him ED issues, he couldn’t “finish” when we had sex. The typical ED medications did not work for him. This was obviously very frustrating for him! So it got to the point where we didn’t even try. I felt like it wasn’t fair to him to leave him frustrated. We were having sex about 2 times a year for almost 10 years. Typing this now, it’s hard to believe I lived in a virtually sexless marriage for so long.

I had this experience also. Failure to ejaculate is common with SA and a type of ED. They are so involved with their addictive behavior that it takes more and more extreme stimulation to enable them to "finish."

Night, you have done a lot to take back your power. Only you can decide if you can hang around to see how well he does with a program and IC. There IS a high rate of recidivism, but as I said, there are many men that I know who have been able to beat this monkey. My fWS included.

Your recollection of special days is not uncommon. In fact, that's the source of most of my current triggering. Every once in a while I'll think about something we did long ago and realize what was REALLY happening in my life. And the anger starts again. But it's my problem now. Although I do talk to him about it, and he helps me to process the pain. THAT wasn't an immediate ability of his. Beginning recovery is just that, beginning. More than 3 years into it, I am seeing that he is finally getting it.

Those of us who are affected by this horrible addiction are truly traumatized. Don't ever minimize the effect it has had and is having on you. Take care of yourself and be selfish about it.

*********((((((((spouses))))))))*********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2907 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had this experience also. Failure to ejaculate is common with SA and a type of ED. They are so involved with their addictive behavior that it takes more and more extreme stimulation to enable them to "finish."

I think this is one of the common indicators as to whether one's spouse is an SA; an big group of SAs have trouble being intimate with their spouses, but not with anonymous encounters, online, etc. If anyone reading this forum is wondering if their spouse may be an SA, this is usually a good sign! And it's also a misconception that an SA has sex with anything and everything that moves and doesn't ever have any sexual problems at all. There are patterns to the behavior.

My story--When WH and I got together back in the day, we were set up by a mutual friend who visited me in the hospital. She set us up because both my FH and I were dealing with health issues. From the beginning, our sex life was never normal because there were periods of time that because of our health issues, we just couldn't physically have sex. (I had ovarian cysts; he was on meds for kidneys). Instead we developed other areas of our relationship.

However, a couple years into our relationship, as I came into better health, I started wanting a sex life. We had sex, but not very frequently, and my H had trouble performing, and he blamed it on his health/meds. I let it go, unfortunately, not believing it was anything else.

Then late in 2010, I noticed a few suspicious messages from women on his phone. However, again, I just let these go because I trusted him, even though a few of these were upsetting.

I kept getting these kinds of warnings up until March of 2011 when we had our first DDay. I found the same thing you did. Chats/messages/texts with all these other women which basically can only amount to cybersex. Two of the other women who this had lasted for years!!--it started even before we got together. After numerous conversations after confronting, I found out that these were just online, and I had a friend's husband (police officer) do a background check. Both of these women were from out of state, and had never met up with my husband. I agave my husband an ultimatum and said that we either go to counseling or divorce.

We started going to MC, and it really helped for awhile. The therapist recognized that my husband had problems with physical intimacy, and that the health thing was now just an excuse, and we worked on developing sexual intimacy between us. To make a long story short, we were in MC for about a year, and things were fine except for the no sex life.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, and I intercept some inappropriate messages on FB to my H. I then get suspicious, and go into his email, and find out that he has been cybering again since May.

I gather all my evidence, and confront once again. To make a long story short, we schedule a therapy session to talk about this, and finally my H admits that he's addicted to porn/online sex. He watched porn and masturbated almost every day since he was a teenager. He's never had a good sex life with women in person. The only way that he's learned to be sexual was through online means. So since he grew up learning to be sexual online, he never learned how to be sexually intimate with anyone in his past relationships and our current one now.

Like you, Nightsky, I'm also waiting for my WH to keep addressing the SA in IC and with CSAT/12-step. I can't make a decision yet without at least seeing where that road leads. So far, I think things are going well. He seems very committed to working on himself, and the therapist has noted that as well. I'm hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst. Only time will tell.

Hang in there SA spouses! Hugs to all!


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, we had Confrontation Day #2 about Dday #2 and #3. I only found out about this behavior at the end of June. We had the first confrontation and things went well for about six weeks. Two weeks ago he resumed the behavior and I began to get an idea that there was a LOT MORE to this whole thing. What was initially discovered and discussed in June was just the tip of the iceberg, as we all know.

So, I confronted again. I decided I didn’t need to wait to discover any more or to sit back and watch WH spend more $$ on these online sluts. I have never been 100% sure that there is nothing in real life, but at this point what does it matter? I decided that it was OK that I didn’t really know what I was going to do at this point. I reminded myself it has only been about 2 months! And now just 2 weeks since the next round of truth has come out.

I asked WH when his next IC appointment was. I suggested to WH that he tell his therapist that it seems he has made the decision that his online sluts were more important to him than his wife because he was willing to risk his entire marriage by continuing to go on the site. From there we talked for hours and I held NOTHING back. We talked about all of this and I asked every question I needed to. WH answered every question even though I could tell some of them were very difficult and uncomfortable for him (too bad!). I told WH from now on I cannot be concerned with “hurting his feelings” that I will no longer hold back on asking questions or, more importantly, expressing my own feelings. I told WH that I thought I have made all this way to easy for him!

We talked about issues pertaining to our marriage as a whole, patterns of behavior we have both fallen into, etc. I told him the things I was unhappy about and why. I talked about issues within myself that I have begun to look at (by working with my IC) going back to my childhood and how I think that has influenced my role as wife and mother. 35 years of marriage and it is still so hard to have honest, open communication!

I told WH I don’t know what I feel right now, but that I feel empty. I feel a huge void in my life/myself. I feel kind of “blank.” I even told him I don’t want to have sex with him right now. WH asked if I would allow him to help fill that void. I told him I needed to fill it myself. I told WH I felt that I had allowed my life to get “too small.” All these years I have been busy being a wife and mother and taking care of everyone else, I have allowed too much of my life and myself to fall away. I told WH that I was making myself my priority. I’ve said it before, but it is HARD for me to do.

WH did say he “might have an addiction.” He feels it is only to this one particular site, however. WH doesn’t see how it could be classified as a SEX addiction because he feels there is nothing sexual with his “chats” or his porn habits. I told him I can’t help him or fix him. I didn’t see the point of trying to define sex addiction and all the various ways it can manifest itself. Not that I even could, I am new to this journey as well. We talked about his porn – again he said he doesn’t see how this is related. We talked about my Requirements List from Dday #1. He had "forgotten" that viewing porn was part of item #1 along with the paid site. I said no porn of any kind!

So, I have reminded myself that this is a marathon and the mother of all rollercoasters. Last week was a bad, bad week and I lost sight of that. I went into a tailspin over the new discoveries and realizing that there is a lot more going on here than just “online chats.” SA had never entered into the picture until Dday #2. I put myself in a state of complete panic again because I didn’t know what to do with my new discoveries. I felt like I had to take some kind of definitive action. Well, it’s OK that I don’t know what to do. It’s OK, and the RIGHT thing, to take the time that I need to. But – I did need to confront WH, and I finally did. I did tell WH that I had been considering moving into the guest room (we are empty nesters and made a guest room out of the DSs bedroom). Either that or shoving his stuff into some Hefty bags and throwing them out in the driveway! Boy, did I have some nice fantasies about that!

So, WH has an appointment this week. We shall see what happens with that. One thing I don’t understand, my IC asked if WH had every been diagnosed as BP. Yes, there has been anxiety and depression for many years (that he has been treating with medication only, no IC), but how can it be that at mid-50’s this is a possibility now? Is it all related? Man, I tell you, it feels like learning about SA is becoming a new full-time job. I know the recovery for me, and hopefully for WH, will be!

(((((back to all of you)))))

nightsky


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Night)))))))
Bipolar 2 is the new big thing in mental illness diagnosis. Not that he might not indeed be BP, it's just that the diagnostic criteria has changed. My SAfWH too, was treated long term for depression, and ultimately is being treated as BP2. In my opinion, it is a good description of his behavior, LONG periods of spiraling depression with occasional mania, hypersexuality, grandiosity, etc. The bottom line for him is that the medication he takes, along with knowledge of what conditions he is dealing, mean he is a different person than he used to be. Interestingly, the medication he takes is an anti-depressant, not a typical BP medication. But it works for him.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2907 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So...an update...

Last night was a bad night. I triggered a little bit when overheard my husband mention a woman's name and that he would see her in 2 weeks. I forgot that he was visiting family in 2 weeks, and this person was a friend of the family. I asked him about the person, and everything was fine...until I made the decision to show him my list of triggers.

Our counselor asked me to make a list of things that trigger me that I would later share with my H. I should have waited for counseling to share them, but I thought that since this had come up last night, it would be a good opportunity to share. Boy was I wrong. H flipped out and was like "Now there is another list of things I have to do!"

To make a long story short, after yelling, crying, talking for about an hour, I explained that these were not things that he had to do, but these are things that he needs to be aware of, and not to get upset at me if I start freaking out a little. That's what triggers are.

He said that he understood, but that I just did not do a very good job of explaining it. I probably didn't, but I didn't expect to get such a reaction. I think we have the issue squared away now, but I'm going to bring it up in counseling next week.

In conclusion, this is a lot of work and one f-ing, never-ending rollercoaster ride of emotion.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my first appointment with my new IC last Wednesday. I'm feeling very hopeful that with her help I'll be able to heal myself, slowly but surely. My anxiety is still pretty high, but I know I need to do this for me. I initially set up appointments every other week through the end of the year, but their office called me Friday & asked if I could come in this week. Now my mind is making ridiculous assumptions, like 'I'm too broken for her to heal me'. I'm calling them this morning to find out what's happening.

Got into it one night last week with Nathan about tone & choice of words. He kept trying to deflect & verbally assaulted me. I slept on the couch. I'm sick of living with a man whose default verbal style is attack. I'm tired of the cycle. I feel like I'm in a cycle like dryers- you know the ones that will buzz & shut off, then spin a few times & buzz again & shut off until you come unload the dryer? That's my life. I completely understand that it stops when I say so, that's why I'm in IC. Again.

***(((SA Spouses)))***

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Cool  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH just did an Every Man's Battle weekend. He got back yesterday. I was worried because its Christian based and he's not really spiritual.

I have to say, the man that came home yesterday is not the man that left Friday. He had been going to SA meetings for 3 weeks prior to this and had read out of the shadows by Patrick carnes. both were endorsed at this workshop.

He said it was very intense, but the main speaker and his therapist for their group break outs were recovering SA's. This was a huge breakthrough for him. They helped build on what he'd already learned and then gave him even more tools for recovery success.

He's absolutely committed to recovery now where as 2 months ago he was still in complete denial.

He said he's glad he got fired as it faced him to own up to his addiction.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Feb 2012
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious if someone could recommend any books to help me with understanding SA more. I'm not sure, but I think my WH has SA issues. We've been married 17 years and during that time he has had one major affair and left me for her and lots of questionable acts like surfing for porn, going on dating sites, when traveling for work he goes bar hoping by himself and stays out until 2-3 AM. He even went bar hopping by himself when he was out of state spending time with his dying father. When we lived in Texas he traveled all week for work and had a different woman in every city. He frequented strip clubs in New Orleans weekly. Currently he has been looking at porn, meeting women from dating sites and most likely having sex with them. He's constanly surfing the web from morning to night - I swear his iPhone is glued to his hand. I found condoms in his briefcase - which he denies actually having sex, but that's pretty hard to believe. He always has some excuse - usually blaming me, or saying that he needed a support system for lifes stressors. When we talk spliting up and acts devasted and wants to stay together. Does this sound like SA? What's crazy is when we're togther we act and feel so in love, I just don't understand it. I'm so lost and confused. I'm not sure if he's open to therapy and certainly not for SA - if that's what really going on with him.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of Patrick Carnes books are great. Out of the Shadows is one I've read that really really helped me to understand a lot. He also has one for porn, and a few others.

Mending a Shattered Heart by Stephanie Carnes is another really good one.

Carnes has a really great grasp on SA.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Feb 2012
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone....

I havent been able to catch up on posts... was on vaca for a while and then not able to come online much.

(((Nightsky))) read about your h's 'relapse' and Im so sorry you find yourself here.

Same old here. Ive noticed a pattern developing. We have a pretty big fight around every 2 weeks, and probably smaller ones in between that. Poor communication, defensiveness, 'tone of voice', non-answers.... yawn. Its always that story. Its getting REALLY old. Last night after a fairly open talk for once, I began to ask about one of the people he was with....... and there it went again. He doesnt get it. Im not sure he ever will.

Qvee, what you said, I could so relate to. Its extremely TIRING being the only adult, bending over backwards to explain ourselves and our feelings and everything else we have to do because of THEIR actions, only to be verbally attacked and hear all the "poor me" crap. Im so sick of my h making everything about himself!

((Sabina)))(((Issaquah))) (((all you girls here))))


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our newest thread members. I think scardeyKat mentioned that there's a list of resources on page one of this thread. Books, websites, etc. The twelve steps in various forms, it's there.

Issaquah, the only way to know for sure if your WH is an SA is for him to be evaluated by a certified sex addiction therapist (a CSAT). From your description it certainly sounds like SA might be possible. At a minimum have you considered looking for an IC for you? Someone who can help you heal your hurts & support you as life unfolds. Being an SA spouse turns your world and your heart inside out. Marshall as much support as you can. Especially if he refuses IC.

SamanthaBaker, congratulations on your WH's realizations over the weekend! I hope he continues to be sober and work an active recovery.

***(((All)))***

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to title this post as "My Husband is a DumbAss".

So last night I am texting my husband after his sports game. We are texting back and forth, and I get a text that says "Your brother says you need to get laid."

I'm like WTF?? Is this to me?? Or is this to some girl??

I respond immediately with "WTF", and he calls right away and says, "Oh no, that wasn't meant for you! That was for ______, my teammate!"

I demand to see the phone when he gets home. Turns out, it was just to his teammate, whose brother is also on the team.

But then I proceed to explain a novel concept to him...If you're already in the doghouse, why are you going to even risk anything with texts that say anything remotely relating to sex in them?? Who cares if it's a dude on your team? You are walking a very thin line here, mister, don't F it up by being stupid with your phone. You'd think that by 33 yrs old, you'd have learned these simple lessons.

And thus, my husband is a dumbass...


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself here after my first IC session. After speaking with us both individually, our IC told me my WH is a SA, and will need specialist help. She's going to give us more details when she sees us together buy says they are not local and they are expensive.

I told WH this and to my surprise he said to me, "I would be willing to spend thousands of pounds to try and beat this thing". I couldn't believe that but OMG I am pleased.

Our history begins before there was even an "us". My WH has always been interested in porn to what I thought was an unhealthy level. In the end I accepted the porn because it was a case of being with him or not accepting it and not being with him.

What I could never accept was the "amateur porn" when it's real people involved, chat, emailing, cybersex (with webcams) and his eventual ONS. Things have been escalating as time has gone on and we are now at crunch time.

It would be so much easier if I didn't love him. It would also be so much easier if we didn't have 3 children of our own and his previous daughter who I love as my own even if she doesn't live with us. The only time I almost cried at my IC session was when I was talking about how much I loved my Stepdaughter. The thought of not having her in my life is unthinkable.

I have read some of the posts in this section. The lack of empathy thing - that is my husband. He only seems to realise what he is doing when we have a "meltdown" which we have every now and then over the years. Up until now he told me everything other than physical sex was "entertainment" and "didn't mean anything". He is, only now, starting to realise that this is not in fact the case.

He has put a self imposed ban on himself from using porn/chat/anything beyond that. He's also trying to not masturbate (I do not agree this is a good idea - I don't give two hoots what he does in the shower as long as there is noone else in there with him ) and he has told me he has only given in to this 3 times in the month since d day. (He has not looked at any images at all).

He told me when I got back from IC last night that he almost had a trigger when Lara Croft was on the TV and in the past he would have ... well, you know... but that he didn't last night. I felt quite proud of him for telling me that. He didn't have to.

I just feel, since I discovered his ONS, that I need to be helping him to deal with his behaviour. I never expected to feel like the strong one in a situation like this.

I guess I was just going to say a quick hello but I have gone on and on. Thanks for being here, but I am sorry for all of you who are also suffering.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
littlebee33
♀ New Member
Member # 36496
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call Me Red: That's great that your husband said that he is willing to spend any amount to fix this situation! We should try to find a way to bottle up that motivation just in case it ever falters in the future.

QVee: It's amazing what these men still don't understand can be hurtful or triggery. You would think that they would be on pins and needles knowing how close they are to losing their wives.

As for me, the past few days have been very up and down. One day I think I'll get through this and that I'm super tough and the next day I'm a mess (either raging or crying). However, I try to remember that D-day was only a little over a week ago, so this is normal (I hate this normal). My husband starts SAA tonight. After reading several posts on here I became a little worried because you guys mentioned that SAA is a lot more relaxed in their recovery, but there is no SA in my city. I'm hoping that it's not more damaging than good. I don't want to discourage my WH from going since I think meeting other men that are battling through this would be really good for him.

We go to our first MC session tomorrow. We've only met with our counselor once each individually. She's not a CSAT, but seems to know about SA. She immediately told my WH to go read the Carnes books, so I thought that was a good sign. I still don't know about individual counseling. My husband is open to anything, but I currently don't have insurance and his insurance is paying for MC. Also, there is only one person in our city that is getting certification to become a CSAT but has not completed all the requirements. I'm not sure if it would be helpful for my husband to meet with that C or not.

Anyway, I hope all of your weeks are starting out well and continue that way. :)


D-Day: Aug. 10, 2012
Me - BS - 27
Him - (SA)WH - 30
No kids.
Together 6 years, married 1.5 years.

Life is never what we planned it to be.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Littlebee- the rollercoaster ride is a b1tch. I'm still on it too.

My husband is currently reading "The Porn Trap" by Wendy & Larry Maltz. He says he really likes it, and that it makes a lot of sense and is helping him. I don't know if the book addresses issues other than porn, but I think many of our husband's addictions start with porn.

CallMeRed - my husband is doing the same thing. He is not supposed to do or look at anything online remotely related to sex right now. The therapist told him that he needs to not look at any of that, and if he has sexual urges, to start to work on building intimacy with me again. Like you, the porn didn't bother me too much, it was of course the cybering with other women. I wonder if there are books out there that specifically address that behavior?


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, i think my marriage is over. its been a long time coming.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
littlebee33
♀ New Member
Member # 36496
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DrivingPast))) I'm really sorry to hear that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


D-Day: Aug. 10, 2012
Me - BS - 27
Him - (SA)WH - 30
No kids.
Together 6 years, married 1.5 years.

Life is never what we planned it to be.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, hugs & light to each of you. **((All))**

Call me Red, the no M'bating advice (to the addict) is to short circuit the addict's automatic response to *any* stimuli from being masturbation. It's something he needs to learn to control on his own. Be supportive, but *he* needs to do the work. It's really tough to stand back, I know. Welcome to our little haven on SI.

QVee, if my SA had learned the simple lessons I wouldn't be here. And yes- he can be a dumbass.

***(((drivingpast)))*** Do you want to share a little, honey? What happened?? If you share your burdens they become a little lighter..

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
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