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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does help to have a bit of an idea of which comes first, the personality disorder or the addiction(s). The addicts are hard to deal with either way, of course. That complete lack of remorse is what got my attention, especially when I read Stephanie Carne's new edition of her book. Knowing about my STBX's possible disorder helps me to keep perspective on what I need to do to protect myself. I find the personality disorder traits lead to a more abusive relationship.

I'm trying really hard to stay detached as much as possible as we wind things down towards the end of the marriage. Healing from the betrayals lies ahead of me. I still can't feel sexual. People think that after a year working on the divorce I should be ready to date. Uh, NO! Not by a long shot.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
lastin12
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Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH showed no remorse the last few years... Now, that I thought I was ready to move on and close this chapter, I finally get remorse and empathy. I've never seen him act this way or talk this way. It's like he's normal. Part of me is mad, like why now? And the other part is happy, like we can finally be happy. I'm just so afraid, I don't trust my own judgement anymore.

There are times I think about running home to work on this, a few hours later I'm thinking about him attending sex parties and having sex with random women. He was doing this while I was home trying to be the perect wife, yet being denied sex due to low testosterone!!!! I'm so lost and so confused. I truly don't know what to do or where to turn. I was up until 4am this morning crying. My IC helps, but I start feeling lost again the day after I see her.... I'm tired.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Compartmented)))
Does Stephanie Carnes say that the personality disorder can stem FROM the addiction? I've been operating on the exact opposite assumption: that the sex addiction is just one more symptom of the personality disorder.

You're really smart to remain as detached as possible. I'm headed for a potential custody battle in a joint custody state, so I'm collecting evidence of STBX's online activities. It's awful and demoralizing and brings me back to those feelings of codependency and trying to "figure out what he could be up to" and "how can I stop him from doing this?"

Awful.

(((lastin12))) I know you'll listen and observe carefully and eventually know if his expressions of remorse are real. Mine got better at it, but it never really felt real or heartfelt to me. He was sorry he was caught, that was about it.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Beneficence
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Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Spouses,

ScaredyKat -

This is an ADDICTION. They can't just turn the behaviors on and off no matter how they might want to. "IN RECOVERY" means all their life. All YOUR life

I had to laugh reading this, because it is so dang true. My husband, who is in therapy for SA, now says that he doesn't think he's a SA, and that since DDay, it "is like a light bulb was turned off and I don't ever have the desire to do that anymore". Yeah, right! He also told me that he "is done feeling bad about this and is moving on with his life". Lovely. Thanks for leaving me in your steaming pile while you enjoy your happy denial.

Lastin -

Be careful, sweetie. Remember that he lied smoothly and convincingly to you all this time while he was enjoying his "activities". Words are cheap, and its super easy to want to slip back into the happy feelings we had before and rugsweep the mess. Just be careful. ((lastin))

Wish I could give you a hug, Sabina. Don't let his nasty get you down...let it roll off you like water off a duck. Use your "awesome" mantra - I do this whenever I feel down. I just repeat to myself over and over that I'm awesome, I'm beautiful, I'm talented, and I'm kind. Bolster your self-esteem - it totally works.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the validation, Bene. Wish it weren't true. Lasty, it took about 3 years of (mostly) sobriety for my SAfWH to truly feel and express honestly his remorse. He gets it now, almost, because he sees how completely screwed up I am.

If I were to do it all over again, if I had discovered his addiction/behaviors/attitude while I was in my 40's, while my kids were younger, if I had had that magic crystal ball, I would have run, as far and as fast as I could, protecting my sons from his influence as best as I could.

On the other hand, he is now showing what a good man he is as a father. My 2 DSs, with all their struggles, are reaching out to him and forming the relationship with him that he sacrificed to the whore-gods. And both SAfWH and I believe that had we split, he would have spiraled out of control in one form or another and wound up dead and destitute.

SAfWH is a happy guy these days, counting his blessing, amazed at how wonderful his life is without his addictions. I'm glad. But pissed.

So I am the one with the most collateral damage.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
lastin12
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Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bene, thank you... I know its just words. I've slipped back in before believing his words. For some reason, this time it feels different, but what do I know!! It's scary.. He keeps saying I know I'm just talking the talk, but I want to walk the walk with you. He keeps saying he wants to show me, but then I would need to let him back in a little... It would be taking another leap of faith.. frightening.

Scaredycat, your words make me think big time. I longed to have the perfect marrige and to be a mom. We never got around to trying for kids and thank god. I'm still young enough to start over new, find someone "healthy" and have children with someone with out this horrible addiction... most people are probably thinking run, you have no kids. So much of me wants to, but I'm not sure why I can't, why I can't let go!?!?


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
Beneficence
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Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin -

Yes, be thankful there are no kids involved. You are lucky in that at least - less damage. Do you stay because you are scared of the unknown? I know that is a big part of my personal fears. At least you *know* what you have in this relationship, versus setting off anew and starting from scratch? It's a scary thing to do.

I woke up this morning with an analogy in my head. I like using analogies to analyze my situation because its easier for me to see things clearly. I was thinking - lets substitute all the affairs for embezzeling. Say your H was the bookkeeper at his firm. He's been part of the company family for years and is trusted and respected. Over the years, he started taking money. Little bit here, little bit there. He always justified it to himself by saying they didn't pay him enough, or it was just to get him through a rough patch.

Eventually, it was noticed. There was an investigation. He was put on leave. Police were called. He is very sorry. So very sorry. He swears he'll never do it again - he is a changed man. Now, what does the company do? Do they reinstate him into his previous position? Let him take over the books again? No...no company would do that, no matter how loyal he was. He is fired. He is prosecuted. This is a situation with no particular emotional ties to bind us. It seems pretty cut and dried. If we substitute out the embezzelment for the infidelity, why reinstate them back into our lives in their previous roles? They have proven they can't be trusted.

Just a thought.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish there was a logical analogy for my sad situation.

Hugs to all you SA spouses today. I just want to say that even though I dont post as often anymore, y'all help me more than you will ever know. There is no SAnon were I am right now, I hope when I move that there will be one. Without knowing other spouses are suffering as a result of this addiction, I would be feeling so lonely and isolated.

Many thanks, hugs and strength to you all today.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
lastin12
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Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bene,

Yes, I think I am scared of the unknown. I have a good job and I know I would be able to start over financially just fine. I don't know.. Maybe I'm afraid of being alone and never finding love again. The thought of buying my own place, decorting and buying everything I want with no one to ask is kind of exciting.

When I think about it though, I've been alone most of our relationship. I was always so desperate for his attention and willing to do anything to get it.. very sad. I always longed for his approval, who knows, maybe I still do. I spent so many years in a daze. He made me feel like I was going crazy with all the gut feelings I was having. I learned to not trust myself.

I just can't get over the fact that I miss him so much.. I keep thinking that he's finally figured it out, ready to be a husband and it will be everything I ever wanted and dreamed of... All that said there are no guarantees and I can't affored to get punched in the gut again.

I love your analogy, its perfect... My husband has been given so many chances, been re-hired so many times. Just recently when he finally admitted to how many ONS, he should have been fired along time ago and still be in prison, but no... I'm stll here wondering if he has changed and not quite ready to close this chapter. I have the divorce filled out and ready to go, I just don't have the strength to file them.. something is stopping me.

[This message edited by lastin12 at 7:08 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
OptimisticMe
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Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, ladies, I have been gone for a couple of years, but feel the need to come back.

For two years, my husband was "nice". He worked on himself when I felt he needed to, went to groups occasionally, and was turning into my dream husband.

Now "Jackass" is back. I know it is him struggling with his addiction. We both wanted to believe it no longer existed. I don't think he is cheating (yet), but I do worry sometimes. He yells at me over stupid little things again and acts bipolar at times...never know when it is nice-guy or jackass upstairs.

I have talked to him about it several times...just sent my last "get it right or else" email. I have a 4 yo and a 2 yo and was planning to try for #3 in a couple of weeks...now not so sure.

We just bought a new house with a hefty mortgage payment...it would be hard to cover on my own, but I think I could do it. I just want to be happy. I have found I am happy a couple of days a week...when he isn't home :( This goes in stages...jackass, then nice to win me back, then jackass again. I don't want to waste my life away but don't want to leave if the nice guy might come back.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
beachgirl65
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Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OptimisticMe and other SA Spouses..

I am so sorry for all of the heartache I read on here. I haven't been able to post in a few days.. the WH and I went up to SF to visit our daughter for a long weekend.

This morning I have decided that I am done. He has been a dick to me for the last few weeks.. nice one minute frozen out the next. He spends most of his time sitting in the garage watching TV out there so it's like we aren't together anyway..

I have been successfully rug sweeping for the last few months since finding the phone number of that skank cross dresser programmed into his work phone and the YConversation with the other cross dresser about meeting at a SBux to get comfy with each other before the next step. Amazing what having a comfortable life will do to your powers of denial.

Today I went onto his MAC to check the new movies on iTunes and saw his GMail account up.. So I checked it because he doesn't usually use it. Nice.. An Adult Friend Finder password reset from Friday.. when we were still in the Bay Area visiting the DD. He must have done that sitting less than 2 feet from me. GAWD he is a lying cheating ASS..

So I tried to login to check the account but he had already changed the p/w.. So I requested another p/w reset and changed it myself.

His profile says he is interested in pretty much anything.. 3somes with couples.. M/F or F/F or M/M.. Discrete relationships.. 1:1 sex.. you name it.

So I am washing the sheets in my daughters room and I am moving in there.

I. Am. Done being disrespected. If I ever decide to trust again (which is doubtful) I will make sure that I am enough for whomever that person is. No fucking secrets.

I don't even care about our stuff. I make good money.. I will be fine. We will both have to pull together to get the DD through her last 2 years of college but we'll work it out.

Going to look into an attorney to see about a separation for now.

But I am done being a bit player in my own life.

Oh.. and he barely said a word to me yesterday so I am sure he will be emailing, calling or texting me to tell me what gigantic mistake I have made lately that warrants the crappy treatment. Normally I would try to talk it out with him, etc.. at this point I don't even care what he thinks I have done.. Nothing could be worse that what he has done..

FUCKER!


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
OptimisticMe
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Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Beachgirl. If I wondered before if these were more addict behaviors I am seeing, I can wonder no longer...sounds like your husband is just like mine...start acting out and treat wifey like hell and blame everything on her. Sad sad sad :( Know you are not alone...sending hugs your way.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachgirl -

OMG! What an ass. I think you'll find relief to be done with that nightmare and be able to move on free and clear. Wipe your hands of him, and good riddance!

OptimisticMe -

Sorry you had to come back. I hope being here can help you sort through things and get you on the path that is best for you.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so weird.. Friends that I have had over the years whos spouses cheated on them were all lovey dovey and overly nice to compensate, I guess.. I get the anger.. the projection, I guess. Whatever.. I didn't cry when I found out about the two CDs a few months ago.. and I didn't cry when I found the AFF reset. I just went stone cold. My heart truly is the ball of coal from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.. and I like it that way!


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachgirl - When did you first discover you WH was a SA?

I found out mine was a few weeks ago and its still hard to swallow. Reading your story scares me, but it's very eye opening. Do I even want to try and save my marriage?!?!

OptomisticMe - My WH is being all sweet and kind right now. Like he has never been. He is in treatment and IC, but who knows if that'll last.. When do you discover your WH was a SA?

I've been out of my house separated from WH for almost 7 weeks now. A few weeks ago is when he told me about 15 maybe more ONS and sex at sex parties. For years he denied cheating. Even during our MC when confronted with evidence he denied it... So, after WH answered the fake ad I posted on Craigslist, I walked out and thought I would never look back.

Now I see that he is finally getting it (I think). He is taking all the necessary steps.. Most (98%)of me still wants to be done, but there is that small voice saying what if. I'm seeing him for the first time tonight to discuss what the next step is. He wants to know if I'm working on things with him or working on my own to heal. He said he doesn't want to keep living in limbo. I certaintly don't want to move home, I'm no where near ready for that. But, w/out moving home how am I supposed to see him walk the walk and show me he is working on change? I'm not sure what to do or say?!?! I'm afraid if I don't move home, he'll move on... Honestly, I shouldn't care, but I do and that kills me... I hate this! I hate that my life had become this!


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies. I've been super busy with the start of school, so while I have kept up with the reading here, not had time to post. Hugs to all, there is some heavy stuff going on in multiple directions here.

Hope, IDK if my SAWH is NPD/bipolar/etc yet but I feel strongly there is some sort of dual diagnosis in his future. I talked with my CSAT about it a bit, since she was at my disclosure to get her limited take on it. She does not think he is a sociopath or compulsive liar, as far as she can tell. In her opinion he is capable of seeing right and wrong, capable of empathy, capable of telling the truth from lies in his own mind. She thinks his FOO taught him that honesty was not important, and if it helped to lie for his benefit that was not a big deal. And they never followed up to tell if he was honest in the first place, so he got away with lying all the time. And his sister is an addict of a different sort, so there is probably genetic stuff as well as conditioned behavior that predisposed him to his addiction.

BUT, I can never be sure, can I? Because he has such a long history of lies, and he is evil genius smart, it could all be a ruse and maybe he really is crazy. Doing all the stuff he is supposed to do as a recovering addict, etc. until he figures out the new plan of be able to act out unnoticed.

This may appear to be a tangent, but bear with me. Our middle child does not appear to be capable of empathy. She is very sweet and loves everybody, but when she gets in trouble for stuff she does, she does not see how she hurts others and feels victimized. I've had several experts of various kinds tell me she is just garden variety gifted, academically ahead but socially awkward and behind, that she will learn empathy eventually but it will take longer than non-gifted kids. She has finally starting picking up on social cues, and will ask me if I am mad at her because of a face I make, and she's trying to figure out if it's her fault. So I can see the progression to learn empathy and remorse in her.

Simultaneously, even though SAWH is showing some remorse and empathy daily, he is doing the same stuff as my daughter and it disturbs me. He asks me what is going on, I'm making that face again that means something is bothering me. When I tell him I am just struggling with the menu planning and shopping lists, he seems relieved it is not HIM. Then he says it must be so much harder to do that here (in our new neighborhood), and even more difficult compared to the state we moved here from since there are fewer stores, they are farther away, they don't have as large a selection, etc. So here he is trying to be engaged, empathetic, supportive instead of an addict asshole, but all I see is the same struggle my 6YO is having. That emotionally in many ways he must still be 6YO.

That's fucked up.

Anyway, now that the chaos of start of school is over, I can focus more on the aftermath of the formal disclosure. Allow myself to feel what I need to feel about it. Work some things through. So that's what I've been doing, in fits and starts. Mostly I am trying to build a new life with more focus on me and the family as a whole. And I'm getting there, slowly.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
beachgirl65
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Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastin,

It wasn't until I joined this site that I finally could put a label on him.. But he has been acting out since we were first together. Over 24 years. He SWEARS it has never been F2F but I don't believe him anymore. His progression has been almost text book.. magazines (before internet).. phone sex (from the back of the magazines).. porn videos.. internet porn.. found out he is a cross dresser with humiliation and domination needs.. adult personal sites. craigslist ads posted/responded to. emails.. texts.. and finally the last few things I found that put the nail in the coffin.

When I confront it is always the same.. Anger at me for 'spying on him'.. then 'remorse' for what he did. Swearing nothing happened. Swearing he will never do it again.. Sad face that he hurt me so much. Hatred of himself for doing it to our family.. A period of time when things are okay.. Then it all starts up again.

I... AM... DONE

I truly hope your WH is one who wants to get help and will get help. I have never said anything to my WH.. He mentions sometimes in our fights that he 'has problems.. or issues' but he never seeks help. It's his job to fix himself now. I wipe my hands of his sorry ass.

One way or the other this ends soon. We can stay in this house for awhile and just lead separate lives or we can start figuring out how to split it all up.. Either way the days of man and wife are o.v.e.r


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Bamboozled1
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Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This disease is so insidious. An alcoholic can avoid being where booze is served, a junkie can physically stay away from dealers and those who use. An SA is always going to be surrounded by sex. It's right there between their ears--they don't even need anything external to get off. To recover from this requires a "rewiring" of the brain.
Those of us who are in relationship with them, don't get why they can't seem to hit a bottom. Why isn't the loss of respect, often their jobs, and even their families enough to make them see the light?
To me, this disease is so entrenched in their childhood, that's it's really hard to get to the bottom of it. I think most SA's have spent a lifetime with the guilt and shame of this disease. They learned at an early age to compartmentalize everything. Family life goes into one corner, work life into another, and acting out into the deepest darkest closet of all. To keep all those compartment separate, they learn early on to lie. They lie to themselves most of all. "If I don't think about that, then it didn't really happen...." "I swear I'll never do that again..."
Just like any kind of addict, they constantly make promise they can't keep. Then, they externalize their anger at themselves onto those nearest to them. Then when we get mad (cause that's what we're supposed to do) there's their excuse to "use."
It's a dance that just escalates with time. The longer the disease continues, the worse it gets.
Somebody has to break the cycle. There's an analogy in an Al-Anon book that helped me get this. Imagine there's a ladder, and the addict is in front. We're behind them on the ladder, pushing and prodding them to go up. They keep falling, and each time they fall, we cushion the blow for them. We keep doing this over and over until one day, we notice there's a ladder next to this one--but this ladder has OUR name on it. So we begin to climb this ladder, and leave the addict to climb their own. When they fall, we can sympathize, but we concentrate on climbing our own ladder.
This addiction has NOTHING to do with us. We have to learn to take care of ourselves and become healthy ourselves in or out of the relationship. Lots of marriages can't survive this (mine didn't), but in learning to focus on my own needs, and learning not to enable and not keeping secrets, I have gained a life where I know I'll be okay no matter what happens in my life.
To me, you have to put the focus on yourself. Whether it's therapy, S-Anon (which saved my life) or Al-Anon, get help. Get tools to use that will help you move up your own ladder. When one person in the family begins to get healthy, it affects the whole family.
It's so hard not to buy into the idea that we are somehow not "enough," but it's not true. That's a lie that our disease is telling us.
Please be gentle with yourselves-

Posts: 1851 | Registered: Nov 2004
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hath)))
So here he is trying to be engaged, empathetic, supportive instead of an addict asshole, but all I see is the same struggle my 6YO is having. That emotionally in many ways he must still be 6YO.

The CSAT told me that STBX would need to go back to his childhood and "literally re-learn everything about being a human being." THAT is what he meant. Now I understand.

Anyhow, STBX wasn't interested in doing any of that hard work.

***(((BeachGirl)))***

When I confront it is always the same.. Anger at me for 'spying on him'.. then 'remorse' for what he did. Swearing nothing happened. Swearing he will never do it again.. Sad face that he hurt me so much. Hatred of himself for doing it to our family.. A period of time when things are okay.. Then it all starts up again.

THIS is exactly my life. EXACTLY.

His progression has been almost text book.. magazines (before internet).. phone sex (from the back of the magazines).. porn videos.. internet porn.. found out he is a cross dresser with humiliation and domination needs.. adult personal sites. craigslist ads posted/responded to. emails.. texts.. and finally the last few things I found that put the nail in the coffin.

I don't have my history posted here anymore since I'm going through a Divorce, but I want to tell you that the progression got worse and worse and worse with my STBX. Each episode was more shocking than the last: CityPaper ads circled back before the Internet; phone sex; internet S&M porn; then real people - lots and lots of them. CraigsList and fetish website ads. Affairs. S&M. Sex with women, men, and groups. Anonymous sex. The only thing I don't have is cross-dressing, but now that I think about it, he's sort of done that too.

My D-Day was one year ago this week, which I suppose is why I'm thinking of everyone on this thread. This year has been hideous, and the fallout from divorcing a NPD SA has been traumatic, but I'm beginning to see the beginning of the end: it's freedom and light.

Good luck to you. I've yet to see anyone here get better at the point where your H and my STBX have now found themselves, especially with their anger and lack of true remorse.

Oh, and p.s., mine even spells discreet (the careful and unobtrusive def'n) "discrete" just like yours. It's one of the things that makes his online activities so easy to track.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAfWH was also poor at reading people. So is one of my DSs. In their case, I believe it is partially a very mild bit of Asperger's syndrome. It is what we used to describe as the "absent minded professor." They just don't seem to get nuances of speech, people and relationships. Jokes and sarcasm are tricky. Empathy just doesn't come naturally.
Add to that the selfishness that IS addiction, the emotional stunting that is at the root of SA and you have a land mine.
Asperger's is strange, it's a spectrum condition, ranging from a slight tendency to severe disability, but it is an accurate description of many of the behaviors of active addicts...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

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