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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, on that front I envy you. I try really hard, but I still trigger out over things like that. Yesterday I called my SAWH right before I ducked into my group therapy, like I always do, to tell him what he needs to pick up on the way home if anything. He wasn't there, and his secretary told me he just stepped out to try to get a driving record from the DMV before it closed for the day. Totally triggered me, since I didn't have any forewarning he might go somewhere, and I tried to call and of course no reception in the DMV. He called afterward, apologized for not giving me a heads up, offered to show the time-datestamp on the report to prove where he was so I could be sure, etc but the damage was already done. I don't like that I can and do freak out over little things like this. I don't know if I can live a life where I am triggered often and without warning indefinitely.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, lest anyone have the wrong idea about me, I certainly do still get triggered, and I do still play detective. I'm just getting triggered LESS, and some of the things that used to automatically send me into detective mode don't any longer.

I do still FB-stalk one of the OW. She's still in contact with STBX.

I do still occasionally Google-stalk STBX. But only rarely. I've found out several of his lies this way.

I am trying to get STBX's arrest records. I figure it can only help me when the time comes for the final custody/visitation arrangements are hammered out.

But overall, it is such a relief not to be constantly in detective mode! Just not having to be scared of what I'll find in the laundry is huge for me. It is such a relief to not get all the "hang up when I answer" phone calls anymore; I always hated the thoughts that swirled around in my head after one of those calls.

I'm pretty sure I know most of what there is to know at this point. The really uncomfortable thing I'm dealing with now is wondering if each woman I meet was one of his Fuckbook, Craigslist, Ashley Madison or AFF hookups (since I know he used online dating/cheating websites). Any time I meet a woman and she looks at me funny or seems "off", my mind automatically goes down that road of wondering if she's had carnal knowledge of my husband.

As for me, I have recently found out that STBX is engaging in a hard-core campaign of alienating my kids against me. He continues to not cooperate with financial discovery to move the divorce along, and he's not fulfilling his part of the financial support agreement.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath and all, FYI,

I don't like that I can and do freak out over little things like this. I don't know if I can live a life where I am triggered often and without warning indefinitely.

I don't even check SAfWH's movements on his phone anymore. He has been totally transparent, offers things like the "timestamp" your fWH offered without prompting, has been working his program for REAL for more than a year, and my gut tells me that there hasn't been any porn.

That part does get better.

I still deal with a lot of resentment about the theft of my sex life and my youth. And that's not going to get better with time, since I am not getting younger....


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((NG)) I think of you often. I seriously don't know how you do it. I wouldn't have half the protection I have set in place for myself and the kids if it were not for you and others who have shared their stories with me. Holding you in the light...

Kat, that's the thing. Prior to the disclosure, I had totally given up on checking up on him, etc because I knew the info would present itself, via gut or otherwise, if something happened. But being so fresh off disclosure makes me hypersensitive, it's almost as bad as DDay all over again. Not quite as bad, because I have learned through here/S-Anon/therapy the tools to deal with it more swiftly. But that fact that it can come back like that is bad enough. I only hope that it gets better again, because I can't live this way forever. I know a lot of this is standard BS stuff, not necessarily SA related, but it still sucks.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all!

A few pages of posts ago someone mentioned (I think it was Kat) that they set their router at home to block out all porn sites. My husband and his CSAT want to do that at our house. Can you guys PM me or post how you did it?

My husband says that I should do it so he can't "undo" it. He doesn't know how to do this either.

An Update: Last week was tough. I'm not quite sure how I made it through. This week is starting to go a little better. I had a good MC therapy session today where I found out the above information. It's good to know that my husband is still being proactive in his own recovery. I'm reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Glass, as recommended by everyone on SI. It's helping me to process.

[This message edited by QVee at 9:42 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)]


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few pages of posts ago someone mentioned (I think it was Kat) that they set their router at home to block out all porn sites. My husband and his CSAT want to do that at our house. Can you guys PM me or post how you did it?

My husband says that I should do it so he can't "undo" it. He doesn't know how to do this either.

Just a gentle 2 x 4. I'm pretty sure you can get around it by using proxy websites. I know that my STBX would find a way to access porn again within 24 hours of me installing this. He managed to get around every bit of technology I used or installed on his computer.

It's like keeping booze in the house and trying to hide it from an alcoholic, I'm afraid.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Choosing Hope: Well, I'm still going to "trust by verify." I do know that it's not the end all to accessing porn. However, if my husband thinks it will help him, I'm willing to put the blockers on router. The way I see it, it can't make anything worse. I'm still planning to maintain my vigilance.

I guess I was also just happy that he brought the idea and conversation up to me, instead of me having to use it as a consequence to something. It was the bright part of my day in this ugly mess we call a relationship, after SA. Its so hard always having to think like a detective, always suspecting some ulterior motive behind everything our SAs do. I just need this to be a moment of light that my husband is owning his addiction. We say that we have to pay attention to actions, not words; well to me, this was a good action from my husband.

So does anyone remember who posted about the router block?

[This message edited by QVee at 10:58 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)]


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH screwed up his right wrist tonight getting up from a chair. My first thought was, "Well at least I know he won't be jerking off to porn tonight!"

I'm reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Glass, as recommended by everyone on SI. It's helping me to process.

I love that book - its great. Hope you get a lot out of it, Q.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably should have posted this in "general" or "off topic" as it's not really relevant. I'm just feeling so down today after feeling so much better for the last few weeks. It's not even directly related to the SA crap with fWH. It's other stuff.

Since DDay I tend to derive my happiness from my kids and their state of happiness. (I know this is flawed thinking) I tend to feel that even though my life sucks at least if things are going well for my kids then I feel some level of contentment. DD21 is in the process of getting dumped by her BF ( not fidelity related). It was a long distance relationship so not easy but she really liked this guy and thought he felt the same way. It's funny, my gut told me he wasn't as into her as she was into him. He was here two weeks ago for a visit and since he went home he has been avoiding talking to her. She knows what's coming and is heartbroken. She has never been in this position before. She was the one to end her previous relationships. I have never seen her like this, she has never been the crying, emotional type until now. She keeps wondering what is wrong with her, feels sad, stupid, embarrassed , mad, all the emotions I've known so well since DDay. I've been trying to comfort her, reassure her, tell her it's not her it's him, that it's better to find out sooner rather than later if the feelings just aren't there. It's so hard. It just reminds me of my own pain on discovering that a relationship was not what you thought it was. That you didn't mean as much to the other person as you thought you did. She is young and she will recover from this I know. It's just another sucky part of life.

Things had been going well with fSAWH. I'd started to feel more relaxed, maybe even let my guard down a bit, but this has just reminded me how much other people can hurt us when we least expect it. I'm questioning if I can live the rest of my life this way, always wondering if I'm going to be stabbed in the heart again. I have an appointment with my CSAT this afternoon. Hopefully she can help me gain some perspective.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies I'm really struggling lately. I just am not coping well at all.

Briefly, 1st dday was last year, July 8th, found out about what I thought was just one PA.

2nd DDay was July 21st this year when he was fired for sexual harassment (asked to kiss an employee of his). Over the next two weeks, it came out that there were two additional PA's one that lasted 2+ years prior to the one I found out about last year and 2 attempted affairs and one groping session with another employee. (All affairs and attemps were employee's).

Porn daily. 3-4 times of masturbation daily.

Losing his job was his bottom. He finally admitted his adddiction and on July 31 went to his first SA meeting and ha gone 2-3 times a week since.

I've gone to S-anon, but have missed the past two weeks, mainly because I'm just fucking struggling with wrapping my head around all this. I was so strong for so long and now I'm just breaking down. I am continuing my IC as is he and we do MC as well.

I'm just broken right now. Trying to wrap my head around the past five years. THe affairs, all the unproteted sex he had with other women, putting my health at risk without my consent. (My STD tests did come back clean).

The whole past 5 years have been based on lies. How he treated me, and our children. his double life.

I'm triggered every single day. I'm back on anxiety meds. He's trying to really recover. He goes to his meetings, he went to an intensive 3 day therapy weekend, he's reading, he's trying.

And I'm broken. I can't wrap my head around everything that he has done. I can't believe that he would screw them, and come home, tell me he's not getting enough sex, and then have sex with me on the same day. I can't believe that he had sex with them more than me for years. I can't believe that he would emotionally abuse me to absolve his guilt.

Of course he's sorry now, but how will I ever recover from this?

He's still without a job, but not for lack of trying. He's working under the table for my FIL at the moment, has weekly interviews, but gets declined for one reason or another. Our credit report, he's too over qualified, blah blah. No unemployment because of why he was terminated. We are on food stamps because we had to use everything we had in savings for Cobra insurance.

Our 12 year anniversary is tomorrow and I'm thinking, ust like last year, what the hell is there to celebrate?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HUGS)))))) to Samantha. I'm so sorry, Honey. It is so hard to be the spouse of a sex addict. Please try to take some comfort from knowing that many of us here have been just as low as you are now. Just as low, just as confused, just as hopeless.

It gets better. It doesn't feel that way to you know, but it really does get better.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you NG. I know it gets better but being n the throes of it hurts like hell, as I'm sure we all knows. It's an awful place to be in. I ust blogged this:

How I feel about myself looking back over 5 years:

Devalued

Emotionally Violated

Traumatized

Emotionally Abused

Unloved

Used

Could never meet expectations

Never good enough

Abandoned

Criticized

Broken Vows

Lied to

Detached

Betrayed

Disrespected

Vulnerable

My emotions now:

Emotional Pain

Hurt

Anger

Rage

Shame

Guilt

Turmoil

Fear

Numb

Empty

Isolated

Lonely

Confused

Obsessed

Lost

Broken Trust

Heartbroken

Depressed

Stuck

Constantly Triggered

No longer special

How do I feel about the future:

Unsure

Scared

Fear

Cautiously Hopeful

Meaningful

Emotional Intimacy

Honesty

Empathy

Understanding

Trust

Forgiveness

Communication

But the big question is, how to I get to the hope of the future and out of the pain of the now?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((Samantha)))***
I'm so sorry. All I can do is echo NG's words and say that I've been there too.

I'm sorry if I missed this, but does your husband see a CSAT?

I think you're asking the right question: how do I get to a better place? I wish I could help you answer it, but only YOU (and time) can answer it. Please hang in there - things WILL get better, one way or another.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Samantha)))) I am so sorry. I totally identify with everything you've posted, and all your feelings are completely valid. I assume you and WH are not seeing a CSAT because you don't have the funds right now. But as soon as he's employed again, make that a priority. For him AND you.

QVee, I don't know about blocking the router. But one of the ladies in my group uses Net Nanny, which I also use on my kids' computer (WH never uses their computer, it is so the kids don't stumble on inappropriate stuff through google or youtube). Anyway, it allows you to set up users, and then for every user you can restrict what time ranges they can get on, how long they can get on, you can filter most questionable websites, AND you can even limit it to only a list of certain websites. For my friend, it is a lifesaver because he is not computer savvy and it takes the policing off of her. For me it is awesome because I have young kids and now they can only get on a certain amount of time and only on kid sites approved by me.

Of course, he can always find other ways to view porn (secret smartphone or DVD player, etc) but it could be a tool for you.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I know nothing about software to block porn sites, although, in theory, I don't disagree. You may not be able to stop an SA from using, but you do have the right to be safe from the crap in your own home. That would be a good reason to install it if you could...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having already gone down the route of installing software to block porn & so forth, I just want to raise the voice of experience & let you know you're probably just setting yourself up for disappointment. You're setting yourself up to be your husband's nanny & parole officer. You're setting yourself up to be his accountability partner. None of these roles are appropriate for you, the wife. They put your relationship into a very unhealthy dynamic.

I realize y'all believe this is the right thing to do. I know this because I was once in the same mindset. Please just know that this usually doesn't work. I know you need to try. I would urge any wife who's at the point of installing internet filtering software on the computer to spend a lot of time in IC ASAP and work on her codependency issues.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending hugs and strength to all who are struggling here...

Well, I did it. I finally found the strength to call some recommended divorce attorneys. As I feared, many said they knew my husband, respected him and thought he was a great guy. ARRRGHHH!

One, however, said despite knowing him casually, he would agree to represent me. $300 per hour. I have no idea where I am supposed to come up with that kind of money. I will have to sell every piece of jewelry I own. No matter.

One good thing. Because my husband and I married in law school, I am entitled to a percentage of all his future earnings. I am entitled to lifetime spousal support. Yes! Less money for him to spend on his whores.

My husband's income has dropped considerably, however, since his addiction took over, so who knows how much I'll actually get?

All in all, a productive week. I'm glad I finally found the guts to make the calls. Now to find the money to move forward with the divorce. I want this over!

Thinking of each of you...

Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, even though it seems contradictory, I agree with both Kat and NG. That is why I have the Net Nanny on the kids' computer, I don't want them EVER to stumble on porn or whatever. But I don't have it on OUR computer, which the kids are not allowed to use. I do have means to track his computer usage, because I had to set it up in the beginning to find out how pervasive the problem was since he was not telling the truth. But I don't check it any more.

I will say a lot of the SAs that have porn addictions at the psych office I go to (all CSATs) either do not have phones with internet, or do not have internet at home. Some of them don't even have TV or have the Net Nanny equivalent put on their cable box. This all at the request of their CSATs. I have never asked what the reasoning is.

It is not the case for us, and I don't even know if it has been suggested to SAWH. I don't want to be in a M where I can't have internet or HBO in the house at all. I am perfectly aware that it is akin to not wanting to live with an alcoholic if I can't have wine in the house, and it can be interpreted as I am that shallow. But to be fair I have sacrificed and suffered enough already to go through recovery with him, and if he can't work around it, learn the tools to live with it in the house, then he needs to be somewhere else until he can. I'm not denying my kids internet they need for school, or me for my sanity.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Ghost! You did it! I know how hard it is to make those calls.

I would also get an initial consult from someone else, or go to a info seminar, just to see if they tell you the same things. For your reference, the firm I use requires a $5000 retainer for divorce or post-nups (as postnups are really just doing a divorce in advance and no less work). From what I understand that is pretty common around the country. I just got really lucky that I happened to need it when SAWH got a bonus, and made it a requirement for R. Even if you have to sell jewelry, etc. it may be possible that he may have to pay some of your atty fees anyway, or make it part of a settlement - ask about that.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, I'd definitely see if you can get the court to order your spouse to pay attorneys' fees. If yours gets vindictive, you may need that jewelry money for food and other necessities. This is a tough road you are heading down. We're here for your support!

Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
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