and Beautiful, BTDT=been there done that...
Then he started watching the cable TV show. I wasn't interested so I never watched it. I had NO idea that it is pretty much full on soft core porn.
This happened here too. I cancelled the extra channel package and ordered more sports channels instead. Those shows trigger me terribly, Iíd much rather wch sports.
Hath, I relate to wanting to cut SAWH off from his main Ďsupplyí, but eventually Iíd do something drastic to both him and to me. Iíve tried to let go of wanting control, Iím a work in progress. Some weeks are better than others. As for pdís- Iím unsure about SAWH but itís likely he has (at least) very strong traits of BPD. Iím happy to discuss more if youíre interested. Iíve read some very interesting things re: addictions and pdís. PM me.
beautifulmess, SAWH hasnít expressed similar fears. Weíre sexually active, but Iím the one with triggers & flashbacks. From what Iíve read here and heard IRL itís extremely common for SA couples to have problems. You might want to look for a book called Sexual Anorexia by Carnes (I think). Typically the SA doesnít want to be sexual with their spouse because that would involve actual emotional intimacy- something SAís are terrified of and will often avoid at all costs. Good for you for Ďstaying on your side of the streetí as they say at my meetings, meaning avoiding codep behaviors. Thatís great progress. Are you seeing a CSAT for yourself? They would be a good resource for feedback. Also, if youíre attending 12 step meetings you could ask for feedback. Every addictís timeframe is different, Iíve no advice on what might be Ďokí for you guys.
Ghost, donít be so hard on yourself. You guys have been married for a long time. Itís natural to want closeness and intimacy with our WHís.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Beautiful, one of the best things I ever did for myself was find a CSAT for ME. Too often the spouse throws all the money and effort at the SA's therapy, and let's face it - it only works if they let it work, and WE are more critically damaged than they are at this time. A regular IC can be helpful for many things, but IMHO can be counter-productive in matters of SA. A good CSAT who is trained to treat spouses is going to know how to help heal you, help you with your boundaries and consequences, put a recovery plan in for YOU.
You have to find the right one though. I went through a class, which had a group therapy component, with a CSAT who would have been a horrible fit for me for IC. NOt that I didn't benefit from her expertise in the short term group setting, but long term and IC would have been a disaster.
Fortunately through the class, the different CSATs at my center took turns doing the lectures, and I met my current IC at one of those lectures. She not only is a CSAT, she was a spouse of an SA, back before anyone knew what it was . And in addition she is also an addict, who has been through full treatment and recovery, although not for SA. So she is personally well-versed in addiction therapy in addition to being an addiction specialist and CSAT. She is also anti-codep, she believes more of the Claudia Black take on PTSD applies for most spouses. So she is a very good fit for me.
I'm not a person who likes to get medical attention of any kind. I don't even like to take Tylenol. But if I *need* treatment, I go all in and I find the very best I can and try to do everything possible to fix whatever is sick/broken. Because it is NOT worth my time to pursue avenues that don't have the best chance for success. I see so many spouses deny themselves therapy that they so desperately need, and it hurts my very core.
The irony is when I spoke to SAWH's CSAT yesterday, he said that only my commitment to my own therapy made SAWH's recovery possible. That he could and would have never been able to get anywhere if I hadn't have stepped up and decided to heal myself with or without him. I wish every spouse could be told that. It's a very powerful feeling.
Our MC doesn't specialize in SA but he does focus on boundaries and such. He is much more flexible with his scheduling and availability. I've thought about doing IC with him.
I had an IC before but she wasn't the right fit at all. She wasn't organized, didn't have a good plan, and was too wishy-washy for me. She also had no SA background or knowledge.
The one thing that has been helpful is a wives of SA group that I found. It is led by a therapist who has studied SA but isn't a CSAT. I go once per week to that.
I have told my husband that I am committed to healing whether he is or not. I have been reading a lot and blogging. I am finding things every day, and I'm getting stronger.
[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 10:06 AM, June 18th (Monday)]
So I do all three, and I come here which I think is a undervalued fourth component. Yes, you do not get the IRL direct human connection in coming here. But you here a lot more detail here, and a lot more perspectives, than in your little fishbowl of Group C or S-Anon. This is because you have the internet to hid behind, and you don't have limits of time or whatever on what you share.
A fifth component I think is critical is self-education. Continually reading articles on SA, on trauma therapy, etc gives you new ideas and understanding too.
I'm just saying that the road to healing should be multifaceted and not be discouraged if you have trouble getting support in one particular avenue. It's doing a variety of things that complement each other than really helps.
SA means, among other things of course, he has to have sexual activity to the expense of his and other's well being, as opposed to just having a high sex drive. Do you feel like that? then maybe he should get evaluated.
I hope that helps.
Everyone in my department had their hours cut a few weeks ago. I need a better job but I don't have the energy to redo my resume and hunt. I'm not making a living wage for one person, never mind two.
I feel like I'm caving in and turning a blind eye. Which- I am to some extent. But I monitor as much as I can, legally. My gut is rumbling, but I short of breaking the law my hands are tied. A huge part of me knows that I've endured enough, that I can throw in the towel anytime and no one would who knows the truth would blink an eye. An equally big part of me demands final, further "proof"- because I just need to see the end in black and white. I refuse to leave DS, who's old enough to make his choice and has made it clear what that likely would be. I feel both blackmailed and trapped.
I keep fantasizing about ways I could end this M. What I'd say, how I'd plan it. Then I just crumble inside and want to melt into a hole. I'm working my plan. I'll be taking at least one class, likely more this fall. In mid September I'll be eligible for health insurance through my employer.
I *am* making slow progress. But not today.
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:18 PM, June 18th (Monday)]
Keep keeping on, hon. You have been so strong, Sabrina. I have learned so much from your posts. Every one of us has their "down" days. Wrapping you in strength and hugs...
Today at lunch he gave me a call. He said that he has been thinking about what I said last night. He said that he is sorry that he has been neglecting me. Then he said that he thinks he is really just afraid. I asked him "what of?" He said that he is afraid that if we have sex more he will start thinking about sex more and he is worries that will lead to acting out. He was teary - I could tell from his voice - and it gave me a little pause. I thought about it, and told him that I can see where that might cause some anxiety.
I've had a similar experience.
We definitely had the HB, at least I did and he went along with it. Our backstory is that I checked out of the marriage and practically refused sex for a few years, then we were separated before dday. Before our problems I think his sex drive was normal... not high or low.
Anyway, initially he had some ED issues which we had NEVER ONCE experienced before dday. He said he felt too guilty. Then for a few months things were good. Then some TT and other things took my HB feelings away. And he started with ED again. He made all kinds of excuses then he said he thinks it is anxiety. As I had said earlier he is extremely non-self-aware. He seems to have trouble identifying feelings. He would get turned off if I would hint about having sex later saying that it should be spontaneous. I didnt feel like he was initiating much other than to fondle but not want to take it further(which I dont really like). Anyway my point is he has also said that he had trouble balancing having sexual thoughts (about me) and feeling wrong for thinking sexually, because of being a sex addict and doing inappropriate things due to thinking about sex. He concluded that as long as his thoughts are about me its a good thing, and he will say things like "I was thinking about you in those shorts the whole way to work" etc. But I dont know if I really believe it or if he is "acting" more attracted to me(because that has been an issue).
I guess our frequency now is probably 'normal' but now my drive is totally low for multiple reasons. SA: The gift that keeps on giving.
I'm not good about holding such info to myself so I showed him the email and said he was busted. SAWH denied of course. Asked why he would give them my email. I told him it had been in the system for awhile because whenever we stay at on eof the hotels in this group, I get a thank you email.
He asked that I put a GPS on him, his car, his phone so that I know where he is at all times. I said, what's the point, you'll just find a way around it.
We just got back together after a 6 month separation. He's been in IC for 2.6 years and I was seeing the small, little changes in his daily life that I thought showed recovery. He really seemed to have come a long way and was living differently, so to speak.
And now this. I don't buy the story that somehow this is a mistake. Seems hard to believe that the hotel system sent the wrong person an email about their stay.
I'm numb. I don't know what to pray or what the right answers are. I just know that my M is permanently destroyed in my heart and mind.And I'm scared because my SAWH really has this way of acting so believable, like he is a really great Dad and committed to me and our M and recovery but leads a double life thats almost undetectable. You should hear him; he acts and sounds like a man in recovery.
I feel sick. My kids are so happy having Dad back home. He promised them that he would never do anything that would cause him to have to leave again. I know those promises mean nothing to a SA. But I believed so strongly that he was in recovery.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
It's not a mistake you received that email. If you need to verify, you can call the hotel up yourself & ask what you need to ask.
Please remember that addicts lie. They lie convincingly. They can fool anyone they're such good liars & actors.
This isn't about you.
I came up with this list of requirements like an acct. for a PI, spyware, post nup with sole custody and everything in the event of adultry, control of all the money and accts., and credit report on SAWH and he agreed to everything. Why? Why go to all that effort just to maintain a lie? Why throw money away on an IC/MC when you know its a waste of money? He hates wasting money.
That's what I don't understand. Why is he so determined to keep a M that he doesn't care about? Both of our families know everything. And he knows I care way more about protecting my kids from this truth than destroying him and his relation with the kids.
He had his own apt. and flexible joint custody of the kids. We agreed to an uncontested divorce just to get it over with. He had his freedom. What is this mans angle?
He agrees to anything I want or ask for whether he likes it or not. (Not that I go around asking for everything).
We rarely have sex. I have so many triggers and flashbacks that we don't have much of anything but agreed to work hard toward recovery for us and our M.
I wish I could have a face to face talk with a recovered SA to ask all of these questions. Maybe it's my need to have just a little bit of control and knowledge.
Thanks Nature Girl! I hate this crazy making, sick feeling SA crap!!!
We have made some progress over the last week. He has talked to his CSAT and gotten a professional's opinion - which was exactly the same as mine BTW. He reassured my husband that healthy sex within a marriage is not a bad thing. In fact, it will detract from his feeligns of wanting to act out because addiction sex and loving, monogomous sex are completely different. He gave him some self-talk tips for reassuring himself and silencing the fear.
We also talked about it in MC and each created a list of what our goals and wishes are for our sex life. They were shockingly similar even though we weren't allow to show the lists to each other until we got to MC.
Finally, my husband is going to get his testosterone levels checked. He has never been checked, and he is at the age where those levels usually decrease. I have heard from others that what he is experiencing could very well be physical, not just mental. He hasn't made an appointment yet that I know of, but I hope he does soon.
SabinatheOwl - I'm so sorry you are in that place. I know the feeling of just not being able to get myself together - of feeling trapped and unable to breath and lacking motivation. I hope you have found your way back out of the hole. You are strong and capable and deserve more!
hathnofury and everyone else - Thanks for the insight on therapy and all of the other things I can do for my own recovery. I need to focus more on myself and realize that I am worth the same time and effort that my husband is.