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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate....sorry

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 10:16 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, BTW, regarding that "perfect life"? Last year, my sister comment to me, that I had, "a fairy tale marriage."

I replied, "yes, I'm married to Goofy."


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat thank you and I have just read your profile again. I think whenever I am doubting myself I should read your profile.

I have had the history of WH being fed up in jobs and taking it all out on me. It was predictable, he was excited the first month, okay the second and third month and then the slippery slope would begin. By the time he would find a new job I would have been made to feel dreadful again.

He became an IT contractor so he can change contracts quicker. I thought things had improved between us since that point. Turns out since he started working on contracts further away from home that is when he joined multiple dating websites because he was "bored" in the evenings. I have screenshots of all of those which I should look at again later. They are like a work of fiction, this single man "ramapant for hard sex" who would like to meet women for 1 to 1 encounters etc?

I still think I am not really seeing this as something that is happening to me.

Yet the Plan B is forming nicely. I have seen our Citizens Advice Bureau about finances if we split (another appointment 2 Oct) and I have details of a lawyer who specialises in these things. I just need to get over there and have that talk and know what my situation may be in future.

I wish I hated him though. That would make life so much easier. Why in the world would I still care about a man who risked my health for one night of anal sex with a slapper, who didn't tell me afterwards, who has continuously made promises he has broken, and is now the King of rugsweeping. Why?

I am intelligent, I know what is right and wrong, I can't understand my reactions to all of this. And probably it is the trauma like you said but these feelings from numbness to sad... nothing good in there is there. Negative stuff.

I wish I could suggest a trial separation but I know if I do he will be straight on those sites putting it around. I know that, he knows that. I suppose that would make me realise for once and for all though.

Sorry for waffling on - this is a total brain dump!!

Hugs to all you spouses here.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CallMeRed... Your husband sounds like he is a man on a mission: to have as much dirty sex as he wants, and if you agree and come along for the ride, great! But if you don't, oh well. He's still going to do what he wants. If I remember correctly from your earlier posts, wasn't he the one boiling down your relationship to whether or not you'd give him anal sex?

Somehow you've got to lift the fog and make rock bottom come up to him because from the way it sounds, I don't think he's hit it yet. I'm hoping your Plan B will do that for you.

((CallMeRed))


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi QVee you are right yes he is the one... and he is also King of the Rugsweepers.

I just wish I had everything in line already as I want to get on with it now. There will be big celebrations when he moves out of this house, I can tell you.

I honestly feel like... I don't love him any more.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
GrossedOut
♀ New Member
Member # 36937
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, all. I guess I'm the newest member of this club that I never imagined myself joining.

Looks like there are 32 pages of postings. I have a lot of reading to do! Thanks in advance for your support.


D-Day: September 5, 2012
Me: BW - 44
Him: WH - 44
Children: all girls -- 9th grade, 10th grade, 12th grade
History: Together 21 years, married 19 years
Status: I'm wavering on divorce. Dick is committed to counseling.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Florida
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, GrossedOut,

I saw your earlier post and I'm glad you are reading more. This is a tough spot to be in, on this thread, but there's a lot of wisdom in the postings, and the caring and support of those here are top-notch. There's nothing like being with people who totally get what you are feeling.

There are a lot of books to read on the subject, which we try to post on the first page of this thread. One of my favorites is Barbara Steffens' "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners can Cope and Heal." I'd recommend talking to a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) for yourself to get great information and help with how you are feeling. I know in the beginning, I wanted my STBX to see a CSAT, but when I finally saw he wasn't going to, I remembered the advice on this board that I should see one for myself, and so I went and found a lot of help there. I'm still seeing one, a couple of years later.

Big hugs! {{{{{ G O }}}}}


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll echo Compartmented here and say that seeing a CSAT helped a lot. Im gaining a better understanding of my H's addiction and how to handle it. I used to see a regular IC before, but the CSAT definitely has the perspective and experience to "get" what is going on infinitely better.

Hugs to all SA spouses, I hope you are all having a good day.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you came here, I'm sure you'll learn quite a bit. FYI, a large percentage of the spouses who post here these days are advocates of R-ing with a SA. There is a smaller, MUCH smaller percentage who, like me, are done trying to make it work with someone who isn't fixable & have moved on to the S&D forum.

I recommend you read "Out of the Shadows". It will give you a good idea of just how deep SA goes. My IC had me read it after my first appointment with her. It was terribly depressing but eye-opening. I needed to read it and I'm glad I did. I remember telling her just a few days after I started the book that I had a feeling what I'd found out about STBX at that point in time was just the tip of the iceberg. Oh boy, was I ever right!!!

I think I mentioned to you in JFO that divorcing a SA is a whole different endeavor than divorcing due to plain vanilla cheating. When you meet with your lawyer Friday you need to bring along your evidence of your WH's fetish activity, including how he's sexually exploited you publicly without your consent. This needs to be considered & factored into the kind of custody & visitation you petition for. At this point you need to protect your children. You may not think your WH would ever go there & sexually exploit them, but just remember that not too long ago you didn't think he'd sexually exploit you, either. Your WH is on a dangerous path. Protect your kids!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((GrossedOut)))***
I just quickly looked over your other thread. I want you know that I am divorcing a very similar type of man. My children are 6 and 8.

My STBX's fetish is S&M, but it includes many of the same behaviors, including the acting out with other men. I've wasted a good bit of time wondering if he's gay, bisexual, curious, or just escalating his addiction to reach greater highs. It doesn't matter.

What really matters is that your husband has major, major, major problems. He's cheated on you for years. He's abused you and used your image online for the pleasure of other perverts. And he continues to emotionally abuse you by calling you "bitch."

Books and CSATs are good, but I think you really need to put some physical distance between you and him right now. I'm sorry if I missed this in the other thread, but have you asked him to leave your house?

And please keep your kiddies safe. I'm so sorry you're in the position. You're in the biggest crisis of your life, and the emotional and physical safety of you and your children must come first.

Please keep posting. I'm thinking of you -
-Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all.... I rarely have the chance to pop on here anymore, and when I do I spend so much time trying to catch up, I dont have much time to post. There is not much news from me either. Not really.

I think I last posted on this thread that the marriage was over. He had packed his bags and said he was moving out. The next day he came here and was arguing, and had some kind of epiphany moment, I guess, where he realized he was hurting me and his actions were wrong (not acting out, but defensive and not hearing me) then we had a long talk, where I was able to express myself and feel heard, and he also expressed himself. But I had really lost faith in anything actually changing. Since then things have been better. He has truly made efforts to talk and answer me properly (not defensively).This has had the effect of either A. I need to ask less because I feel the communication is starting to touch on closure or B. Im just avoiding going down that road again, risking the escalation/fights/denial.Ive told him before that when I feel I can trust the answers, I will probably feel less need to ask. He doesnt understand why I would ask the same questions more than once. Whatev, enough about that.

I havent read everything, just starting here, on the most recent page, but wanted to respond to:

Glad you came here, I'm sure you'll learn quite a bit. FYI, a large percentage of the spouses who post here these days are advocates of R-ing with a SA

Naturegirl, I have to admit, I do not advocate it. My honest opinion is that in the majority of cases, its probably better not to R. Healthier. Waste of time and energy to try. Even though thats what Im doing. Just sayin'


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with DP. Do as I say, not as I do. If you can cut and run, do it. You can always marry them again later, after they have proven their recovery.

Speaking of, I have the final draft of the post nup in my hand. It is perhaps the most awesome thing ever written. I feel so relieved. Now just to get it official.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So proud of you hath! Always better to be safe (and proactive!!!). You are an inspiration.

I still need to meet with a lawyer. Procrastinator much?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you came here, I'm sure you'll learn quite a bit. FYI, a large percentage of the spouses who post here these days are advocates of R-ing with a SA

Naturegirl, I have to admit, I do not advocate it. My honest opinion is that in the majority of cases, its probably better not to R. Healthier. Waste of time and energy to try. Even though thats what Im doing. Just sayin'

I do ponder this at times. I am financially independent, no kids, and SAWH/BH and I don't even live together right now due to our jobs. Even my CSAT suggested we hold off moving in together for a while although it may be possible in a few months.

We are trying for R but the Katy Perry song "Wide Awake" is my new theme song. I'm trying to get through these early months with my eyes wide open and aware so that hopefully I can be sure continuing to R is right. I guess I'll be sure of R until I'm not, and I hope I can quickly know and recognize it if that time comes.

Also, I agree with NG about reading Out of the Shadows, which is on deck for my reading list. My CSAT has me on Mending a Shattered Heart and Don't Call it Love first, though... Not sure how much of a difference it makes though?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi new people, and everyone else.

I just wanted to say "welcome" if that is the right word, but this thread is a nice place to be as far as the support you will receive.

I guess my WH's fetish (or at least obsession) is anal sex and that is why he ended up with some skank... and why I can't trust him again.

But for the shoe thing. OMG you poor thing, GrossedOut I read your thread in JFO and honestly, I don't blame you for deciding immediately to divorce.

I think I have only hung around thus far for the sake of my children. And because I know for a FACT (he has admitted this) that if we separated he would get straight back on his filthy hookup site and find more willing women who enjoy anal sex. There is no way on the planet we can have a trial separation because of that fact. So I'm stuck with him in the house, on my mental rollercoaster while he sinks himself into an electronics project and thinks we are "getting on with life".

Honestly, sometimes I write posts on here and wonder how the hell I can act like nothing is wrong when under the surface I am a seething mass of resentment and fury.

Whoops, I only wanted to say welcome and hi!!!


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, NG, I think you know I am not one of those.

FYI, a large percentage of the spouses who post here these days are advocates of R-ing with a SA.

Honestly, I really feel strongly that unless a SA is willing to move heaven and earth to further their recovery (and that doesn't mean to further yours...unfortunately it doesn't work that way), there is no point. I know that I am very negative and pessimistic about the chances of recovery for most SA, and that seems hypocritical considering that I am in R with a SA who has been active in recovery for 3 years. But I lived for 16 years in a sham marriage with a man who progressively acted out to the point of doing things that were not just disgusting and immoral, but also illegal. A man who completely lost the respect of his children. I live with children who were damaged by living in a household of addiction and dysfunction, and I am very passionate about this subject for that reason. Don't underestimate the damage children receive in living in such a household.

I know that there are some here who do not have children yet, and feel that maybe their SA can get into a recovery and a good place before they have children. I guess I don't understand why you would want to take that risk. Or why you would want to commit to more years of looking over your shoulder. My H first acknowledged SA in a suicide letter 10 YEARS before our last d-day. That 10 years was filled with progression of the acting out and really took a heavy toll on me. I am not proud of the person I was. I was not the kind of mother I would have wanted to be. Even when I thought I was trying to detach and live my own life, I was so depressed and was numbing myself through alcohol and work and I was not there for my kids. Merely admitting that one has a problem with addiction is not going to be enough. It takes an awful lot for most of these SA's to hit their bottom, and unfortunately they take everyone else around them with them, including their unsuspecting children.

Why am I still here? There are a lot of complicating factors. There was a legal challenge from a relative who had been abusive to me concerning visitation of my children. In my state it was easiest to avoid any sort of challenge by staying married (that is the cliff notes version, there is a lot more to it). My children agreed to this, as they did not want to be subjected to this person, either. I also have a very generous post-nup in place, that was completed while we were still separated. I have no intention of using it (my youngest child will be an adult in another year and I am self-sufficient), and it is NOT conditional upon any further infidelities. My H was very willing to sign off anything I wanted to me in the period post d-day. My H has also been in active recovery for 3 years. He has completed his first go round of the 12 steps with a sponsor who has been in recovery for 14 years. He sees his CSAT and attends a CSAT led group weekly. He has completed workbooks and journals almost daily. He is addressing the core issues. He has actually worked recovery much harder than I have. I also feel that most of the damage to my kids has already been done. I am hoping that they will see that both my H and I are working recovery and really changing. I know they see a difference in me, and that makes me happy. I want the cycle to be broken with their generation.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with DP. Do as I say, not as I do. If you can cut and run, do it. You can always marry them again later, after they have proven their recovery.

While I am IN reconciliation mode, I agree, in theory, with this statement.

a large percentage of the spouses who post here these days are advocates of R-ing with a SA.

And I DON'T necessary agree with this. Especially as a blanket statement.

I don't want to start an argument. And, dear Choosing and Driving, NG and those who cannot stay, NO ONE, NO ONE can ever blame you for exiting your marriages. And running as far away from your SAWHs as fast as you can. Hell, none of us can ever be blamed for taking that path. But all of us have an individual situation with unique conditions. And as such, have to weigh and judge and decide. I believe it's a bad idea to make huge decisions quickly, (which is why 12 step groups advocate waiting a year) although, certainly, getting yourself and your children away from destructive influences IMMEDIATELY is a priority. But to say that we who are still with our SAWHs ADVOCATE reconciling with all SAs isn't accurate. It is too personal a decision.

The BEST thing a spouse can do, in the face of newly discovered SA behavior is to educate oneself about the disorder. NOT to cure the SA, but to heal themselves, either within the relationship or out of it. SA IS a family disease because of the dysfunction it causes.

I would not still be in my marriage unless I did not believe he were in full recovery, if he were not working a 12 step program actively, if he was not showing remorse and attempting to show me how he regrets his past behavior. If he didn't take full and complete responsibility for his behavior I would not be here.
I will not continue to be here if he reverts back to SA behavior.

Like it or not, SA is a disease, similar to alcoholism and has it's roots in childhood. In my SAfWH's, case, he also has BP disorder. So there is a little bit, in my mind, of the "in sickness and health" justification. On the other hand, because of the damaging nature of the disease, I would have left when my kids were younger, if I had known of the behavior, to protect them. And then, reconcile if he was able to recover.

There is no magic bullet. There is no one way do this. There is only guidance, empathy and the support we, who have BTDT can give each other.
(((((((((SPOUSES)))))))))))

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 4:31 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great posts Kat and TMY. I also want to say there is NOTHING wrong with leaving your SA even if they are doing the work of full recovery. The betrayal in and of itself is enough for anyone to leave, if that is what they want. This is where I am at. He's in recovery, looks like a good chance of success at the rate he's going. But honestly I don't know if that is enough. I have some serious soul searching to do on that front.

But Red, and I say this with the most respect and kindness, I can't say I would ever stay because I think he would act out if I didn't. He clearly acted out for a long time without your knowledge, he could still continue to do so. They just learn sneakier ways to do it. I hope you are saying you are staying until you have figured out your exit plan, not because you think it affects his behavior. But he can and likely will act out in some way whether he is in the house or not, unless he's in recovery. And the kind of acting out he does puts your whole family at risk. Once other people are involved, in particular hookup sites and hookers, there is the potential for crazies to come after him/your house/you and your family. Protect yourself and your kids.

GrossedOut, I hope you find what you need to go on the path you want. Let us know if we can help you in any way.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stay(sic) until you have figured out your exit plan, not because you think it affects his behavior. But he can and likely will act out in some way whether he is in the house or not, unless he's in recovery.

AMEN!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First - love to all our old and new members here.

In my situation, my soon to be ex, did zero, nothing, nada to salvage our broken marriage. My only conditions were therapy and AA. He did neither. Then I lowered my expectations and asked him to just go back to church with me, and he laughed at me. If he only knew how little I was willing to accept in order to save our marriage, but he didn't care.

After 40 years together, I was ALMOST willing to look the other way because I loved him that much! But it didn't sit right. It just didn't. After serious and lengthy soul searching, I realized I had too much self-respect to allow this. I finally realized I had to love myself more than him - or I could not survive.

Everyone must find their own path. No path is the wrong one if it is right for you. I simply could not save my marriage by myself. I so wanted it to work, I do not know know how to un-love him after 40 years. But I will. And I can. It took me a long time to get here.

Be kind and gentle to yourselves, dear sisters...

Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

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