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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to say on the expecting too much. There are good days and bad days. Focusing on my own recovery and what I want in life makes me happiest. How about you?

My SA can piss me off more than anyone. Then the next day we have a great day. It is really confusing sometimes. Personally, I really worry about whether mine will stay with it. It seems to go in spurts. Thinking it goes from being part of the time to more and more. Then acting like a recovered addict becomes full time.

The self pity he has just drives me bonkers. I want to scream, "Oh really, how about I go out and screw a bunch of people and then see how sorry you feel for yourself." Sorry, he was just being moody today. Thankfully, he is off to a meeting right now.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, you could always decide to free yourself from your life of bondage to a sex addict. There is no shame in admitting this problem is too big to reconcile through or allow to inhabit the rest of your life. I'm just saying...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8757 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello there,
I have been on this thread on and off, but haven't been on in a while because my first step is to get WH to a CSAT to have him evaluated and I haven't done that, so I don't feel like I have "earned" my way into this club yet.

I wanted to post because I am going to see a CSAT today - he has been practicing for 30 years and he was trained by Patrick Carnes, so I am really psyched. I gave him a brief sketch of our situation over the phone and he said he thought it would be useful for me to come in to see him and he could give me some information. I am a little scared of what I will learn.

My plan is then to give my WH the CSAT's name and have him make an appt. I will talk about my approach to that or if it is even appropriate today.

Thanks for listening - much love and hugs to SA spouse/partners!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N&N, there is no "earning" your way into this sad, sad place. Getting counseling or your SA spouse getting counseling isn't a requirement here. The only requirement is one you've already met, being married to a SA. I'm so sorry you've had to seek this place out for support. BTW, the support here isn't just for R, it's also for Limbo and S/D.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8757 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, you could always decide to free yourself from your life of bondage to a sex addict. There is no shame in admitting this problem is too big to reconcile through or allow to inhabit the rest of your life. I'm just saying...

And I think about it. We were divorced and my kids were not happy with that, particularly my son. If I didn't have children I wouldn't even think about being here. Thankfully, my kids are donor sperm and don't carry his genetic propensities. (he hates it when I say that but it is true and I can say it here). My real issue is that my 1st husband was an all around addict, too. Had no addict boyfriends inbetween husband 1 and 2. So, I am working on myself and trying to R. If we split, I want to be in a good place.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, totally random issue that only you guys would understand.

Today I got some Victorias Secret junk mail. In my FIL's name, who has been dead for ten years, but at our new address we have not had even six months. WTF.

So I have an extremely unusual name, if you google me only I come up. If you use one of those people finder sites, it may list FIL as a possible relation. And I have shopped at a VS outlet store in the past year, but I dont think since we moved.

So how did this happen? 3rd party junk mail snafu or is sawh viewing vs as a porn substitute?

Discuss. Excuse me while I trigger out.

I know there are worse scenarios but it feels weird posting this in other forums, lol.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hathnofury - You have every right to be triggering all over the place. WTF, his father's name? Really would make me question if he bought lingerie using his father's name. That is very strange.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with missy. The VS thing is weird.

Come to think of it, I'm not on Facebook anymore but last I remember my H listed VS catalogs under "favorite books."

Ugh.

Can you check through VS corporate or something if an account was recently opened under FILs name or ask what date he ended up on the mailing list?

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 8:16 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole thing creeps me out. When I first saw it and assumed it was addressed to me, I thought, dammit, we will get mailings every two minutes now that I am going to have to intercept and toss. Then I saw FIL's name....and there isn't one scenario that is good, even if SAWH has nothing to do with it. I know it's not hard to get on their mailing list without even setting foot in the store or even getting on their website. But a man who has been dead ten years? You are both right, it means either SAWH used FIL's name in the past (for something) or present, or FIL's id has been jacked at least in some way, or something else sinister.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were divorced and my kids were not happy with that, particularly my son. If I didn't have children I wouldn't even think about being here.

(((MissyMomma))) But having children is the one reason that you probably should leave a SA. Having a SA in the family is incredibly damaging to children. They know something is wrong, and they learn to deny their feelings, deny the truth, hide things, and live in a state of "toxic fear." They often grow up to be addicts or codependents themselves, even if they don't share the SA's genes.

Plus what if he exposes them to something? Or what is one of these people shows up at your door?

And the worst thing is that if they find out when they are older that you knew about his SA and you stayed with him. You let him treat you this way. Those are the children who are permanently scarred, and who feel overwhelming shame and anger towards BOTH their parents. Their whole lives will appear to be a lie.

I know you're on the fence about your marriage. I know that change is hard, and I'm the last person who should be telling anyone to leave their husband. It took me years, and in that time his addiction went from a 3 on a scale from 1-10 to a full-blown 10. But it had periods of calm in which everything seemed just perfect.

I just wanted to tell you that experts will tell you that divorce is better for children than staying in a marriage with a SA who is is not fully committed to recovery.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also (((Hath)), it's funny that we use the word "triggering" so much here. I have PTSD, and what you're describing sounds exactly like it. "Triggering" makes real trauma sound almost innocuous - or even worse, like it's something we can control or easily overcome.

I hope you get to the bottom of the VS catalog. I'm sorry you feel so scared. I still often feel the same way. It's going to take me a long time to feel secure and safe again.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to tell you that experts will tell you that divorce is better for children than staying in a marriage with a SA who is is not fully committed to recovery.

Absolutely, if he doesn't stay sober it is OVER. He is well aware of that and is in weekly therapy and attends 3 SA meetings a week. He hasn't acted out in over a year. The kids are happier than they have been in a long time. I am just triggering because of disclosure. Only time will tell if he is going to stay with it. MC is up next and I meet with my CSAT tomorrow. I haven't had an individual session in the last 2 weeks.

As far as the addiction thing, my oldest DD is a neuroscientist and does addiction research. It is scary how much of it is nature. Environment triggers the biology but if the biology isn't there, it can't be triggered.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 9:35 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So update...

SAWH had to work really late last night, so I didn't get to talk to him about the VS mailing until late. He knew all day that we needed to talk about something important, though, so it wasn't an ambush.

He sat, looking a little nervous. Then I told him I needed to tell him something, and I wanted him to be honest about it and that if I found out he was lying or lying by omission later, reminded him that was a dealbreaker. He's sweating bullets now, thinking what the hell did I do this time? Told him about the mailer and that his dad's name was on it.

It's funny sometimes how you can actually SEE the thought process going through someone's head. And I saw this in his eyes:
<crickets> <Completely stunned not only at the info that was not what he expected, but that it is not something directly related to him.>
How the hell did Dad's name get attached to this address?
Crap, I bet someone has stole his ID. I gotta call mom and see if her credit is jacked up now.
Holy crap, wife thinks *I* used his ID for something.
OMG, she thinks I've been ordering things for others, or worse, for me, under his name.

Anyway, he said he had no idea how it happened, that he's never bought anything from there for me, ever, or for anyone else for that matter. Never been on their website, although he's seen ads on other websites. He knows he's not in a position to have my trust on that yet, but FWIW he is telling the truth.

He's wondering if somehow running the credit check for the mortgage has pulled FIL's name back into circulation, or maybe changing our address on one of our CC's or something. He also said that he's never used a fake name to do anything acting-out related, only fake initials on secret email addresses. I can tell he's telling the truth.

He then says, OMG, you have had to wait ALL DAY for me to come home and tell you this. That must have been horrible. I am so sorry I have put you in this position, that these random things can just totally wreck your whole day and make you doubt everything.

And we then discuss how we proceed to check on FIL's ID, etc.

So I guess it's the best outcome given the circumstances, but like he said, IDK if I can be triggered like this over stupid stuff on a continual basis. It's not healthy.

I have a lot of thinking to do.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury - Glad you were able to talk it out. He seemed to have responded from a very adult, nonaddictive way. Hopefully, it is something weird with the new house.

How far out from DDay are you? My CSAT said to expect to trigger some for 3-5 years (best case scenario, with no SA slips).


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, I was referring to this statement you made:

If I didn't have children I wouldn't even think about being here.

Those are some powerful words.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, I'm about 16 months out from discovery. I have a ridiculously long thread on JFO called My Never Ending Story that tells my whole sordid tale. I like to think by the grace of God, and the good people here at SI, I got put in the right direction VERY quickly in discovering exactly what was going on and what the best path to treatment for both of us was. Sadly, SAWH bullshitted his first 6-8 months of recovery by not disclosing the full story (10x worse than what he said it was), not doing ANY sort of sobriety as directed in early therapy/12 step (MB to non-porn pix), lied to his group therapy and 12 step group, all the while leading me to believe he was in a successful recovery and we should buy a house in a better school district and start out new lives.

THEN finally had his epiphany he needed to be sober, do what the therapy/12 step actually directed, and admit the full truth in formal disclosure a few months ago. I unfortunately had an epiphany of where to dig for info and hit the motherlode of his 20 years of acting out, wilt chamberlain type numbers, and traumatized myself with more graphic detail than ANYONE every needs to know. If I hadn't been in CSAT IC and group therapy plus S-anon already for a year, I probably would have checked myself in the looney bin. But we did do full disclosure, he's on the right path now, and we will follow up with a poly. I have a post-nup in the works so I can avoid what NG and Hope are going through right now in case it gets any worse.

So yeah, there's some trust issues there. Just putting some context to wigging out over sexy mail to dead people.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, I was referring to this statement you made:
If I didn't have children I wouldn't even think about being here.
Those are some powerful words.

See, Hope I totally understand what you are saying, but not having had your experience (yet) when I see that quote, I see it as implying it infinitely more complicated to extract yourself from a marriage when kids are involved, no matter what the sitch. If there are no kids, you CAN just leave. If there are kids, you have to at the very least figure out the exit plan with their future in mind, and of course everyone has the nagging doubt you have to make sure the split is in yours AND the kids' best interest. It just takes the "get up and go" right out of the equation and makes things harder.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, I was referring to this statement you made:
If I didn't have children I wouldn't even think about being here.
Those are some powerful words.

See, Hope I totally understand what you are saying, but not having had your experience (yet) when I see that quote, I see it as implying it infinitely more complicated to extract yourself from a marriage when kids are involved, no matter what the sitch. If there are no kids, you CAN just leave. If there are kids, you have to at the very least figure out the exit plan with their future in mind, and of course everyone has the nagging doubt you have to make sure the split is in yours AND the kids' best interest. It just takes the "get up and go" right out of the equation and makes things harder.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was referring to this statement you made:
If I didn't have children I wouldn't even think about being here.
Those are some powerful words.

And I stand by them. Without kids, I'd say good luck on your recovery and move on. He knows this. Now, my first addict husband was much worse and I couldn't subject my child to him. He was a very dangerous person. This SAWH is mostly dangerous to himself. Of course, any addiction can accelerate and bring everyone down. Just have to be aware and with my eyes wide open.

I realize you are coming from a place of concern because of your situation. I hear that and am in no way some naive, trusting person. Thanks for thinking of me. If I knew how to put a smiley face in, I would, LOL.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

everyone has the nagging doubt you have to make sure the split is in yours AND the kids' best interest. It just takes the "get up and go" right out of the equation and makes things harder

^^^ This is absolutely what I've been struggling with and couldn't quite put my finger on. At this point things seem to be going well with SAWH's recovery. Our children are happy and know nothing of their father's problems. Would it really be in my AND their best interests to leave at THIS point? I know that I have more than enough justification to leave but, for some reason, I feel I owe it to them to give SAWH this one last chance. If he really does succeed in turning his life around and staying in active recovery , maybe something in this M can be salvaged. I guess I'm throwing the ball back in his park.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
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