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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((beautifulmess)) sounds like another DDay.

You know what you need to do to protect yourself and have a good plan. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.

. I feel a calmness and relief that I haven't experienced in years.

This says a lot. Be gentle with yourself.
He lied about getting STD tested, even though in his disclosure he revealed sleeping with up to 50 sexual partners, some (or many) without protection. He has endangered my health all along by misleading me about his sexual history and his STD testing status

!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
WTF why why why would he think this is OK?

It scares the **** out of me that he goes to his SA meeting, admits one lie and cries about it, makes a show of going to the clinic and keeps maintaining this big lie. How can he be such a good actor? So so scary.

(((big hugs to you, beautifulmess)))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifulness - So sorry. (((hugs))) Having this lie right after disclosure bites! This was a big elaborate lie, not some minor lie of omission. Just stinks. You are taking care of yourself by asking for the separation. Good for you! It might not feel great but you are doing it.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh beautifulmess, I'm so sorry.

((((HUGS)))))

I hear you about the lies, and the ease with which the lies come out, to be a dealbreaker. I felt the same way. It was heartbreaking to have him lie so convincingly right to my face, to see him so passionate about "the truth", yet all along he was still lying. A person like that is not a person to be married to.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BeautifulMess)))
I am sorry. I read your post with dismay. A "best friend" wouldn't do this. He's no longer your best friend.

You'll need to get STD testing several times in the next year. I think that there's a thread here that deals with this. Please do it right away and make sure you get the full work-up. I want to prepare you - it is a rotten, humiliating experience, and you won't get the results back for a few weeks.

Again, I'm so sorry. If you're feeling overwhelmed, just do the STD testing first. Everything else can wait. You can post on the S&D thread for details about what to do next re: bank accounts, home, etc.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Beauty)))))))))
He's not in recovery. Not if he's still lying. Maybe someday he will be, but that's not your problem. Your job is to take care of you, and heal yourself.

Nonetheless, this is a painful realization. Just take it one day at a time...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothngElseMattrs - You are so right! It IS really scary! The fact that he got so emotional and seemed so sincere about the minor breach while he was lying about something HUGE makes absolutely no sense. I am done trying to figure out his "motives" or reasoning... I have come to the conclusion that I will NEVER understand the addict brain.

His (pitiful) excuse was that it was too expensive at the place he went. Rather than tell me that, he lied about it. Then he was going to try to find somewhere cheaper, like maybe the Health Department. Only he took an entire week to even look. I discovered his lie by accident, and verified it by seeing that he never paid any money to the clinic he said he went to - from ANY source (I even checked 3 times because he had been so convincing). When I confronted him he kept lying, but there was no way I was going to fall for it. About an hour after he was going to "straighten everything out" at the clinic he finally called and said I was right - he hadn't gone. DUH!

The ridiculous thing is that he just got a $1500 check from his left-over student aid. He was planning to just use it for everyday expenses since all of his books and things have been paid for this semester. The $600 he claims they wanted for the STD test he had - plus some. Then his excuse for not getting to the health department where it was only $300 is that they were closed (since I found out yesterday - a Saturday).

When he said he "worked too late" all week and that's why he didn't do it last week, I knew I was done. He didn't work late last week. He got off by 3, he was off all day Monday (with a few classes throughout the day, but breaks), and he took off the entire day Wednesday for his Aunt's funeral even though everything was done by 1.

So again, I have NO CLUEwhy he would think it is okay. I don't even care anymore.

Everyone who responded... Thank you!

ChoosingHope - You're right. He's not acting like my husband, and certainly not my "best friend." Thanks for the 2X4.

scaredyKat - You're right. This is not what recovery looks like. Someone on here said not that long ago that the hardest part of recovery for their SAH was learning "how to deal with emotions in a healthy way and living life as it really is - ups and down and good time and bad - and dealing with reality in a healthy way." He has never been able to do that. This lying, especially at his SA meeting and in therapy, prove to me that he is not ready to be a healthy individual. I can't wait around for him to get there.

Oh, and I'm going to get STD tested at my OBGYN as soon as I can get in (hopefully tomorrow!).


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((BeautifulMess))))
I'm sorry. Hang in there.

Just on a practical note, some people don't like to put the STD testing on their insurance, and instead they pay cash for it. My therapist told me it "raises red flags" at the insurance companies. I don't know if you care about this sort of thing, but I wanted to mention it.

If you have good insurance through work, I can't imagine it being a problem. (In my case, I'm on STBX's insurance, and so I'll have to apply for my own policy soon and didn't want to risk the STD testing being a reason to reject me.)

Also, I brought a friend with me both times I had the testing. It made me feel so much better.

Just a few quick thoughts. Stay strong. Once the testing is done, you'll feel much better.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the info. I do have insurance through work. I hadn't thought about that side of things before, though.

**Sigh**

Life with a sex addict, right?


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, October 14th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never even occurred to me to not have insurance pay for the STD test. I didn't even think about future ramifications for future policies. Dang it! Too late now. Oh what am I worried about? I'll never qualify for a policy I can afford on my own, anyway. Not with all the permanent health problems I've aquired thanks to the stress of living with an abusive sex addict.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STD testing is pretty affordable through Planned Parenthood, so if you're not going through insurance I recommend that.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifulmess7

I am so sorry. ((( hugs))). Hope you can get the first round of STD testing done soon. I applaud you for standing firm on your deal breakers and asking for a separation.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling so very sad and down today. I haven't felt this bad in a long time. The conversation on here for the last few days regarding D vs R has left me feeling very negative. I am questioning all my decisions so far. It seems to be generally felt(with a few exceptions) that attempting to R is futile, stupid even. Staying and trying to shelter the kids, wrong too ,as they will find out and hate me for it later. I feel very much " I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't " right now about anything I do. I feel totally lost and hopeless.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went ahead and got tested this morning. I was at my doctor anyway because I have strep throat and an ear infection (yay!).

I probably should have gone to Planned Parenthood or some other route, but I went ahead and put it through my insurance. I don't feel like running all around town like a chicken with my head cut off. If it costs a little more and goes on my insurance record, so be it.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BeautifulMess))) I'm so sorry. Lying about testing would probably be a dealbreaker for me. FWIW, I had a similar issue with SAWH about this. He went to his doc and asked to be tested, the doc just ran the HIV and one other test because SAWH didn't explain WHY he needed the test. So I was furious when he gave me the results, which he didn't even read to see that there were just two tests. Then he made a big production of going to Planned Parenthood because he thought it would give him a full test with instant results, and he had to wait a week for them. (Wah!). Lots of falling on the sword of sacrifice to do it at the time, etc. They don't want to be confronted with the reality of what they've done, they are deflecting that shame. Nobody wants to tell a doctor that story and get the tests that might say they have all sorts of diseases they may have given to their wife. Too damn bad, I say. I pray you find some peace and feel confident about your path. (((hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I need some objective eyes/ears. I gave SAWH a copy of the post nup final draft so he could review it. Being a contract lawyer, I expected revisions and possibly he would contest something. He only had three issues: a legit concern about maintaining a life insurance policy at a certain level indefinitely, he wanted my claims to retirement to terminate if I got remarried (not entirely, that I would get the value of it on the marriage date), and the clause that said he'd pay my lawyer fees if we D because of his infidelity to stipulate infidelity after the date of contract execution. I told him I had to think about all three points. The last one in particular gave me pause, what if I found out he left stuff out of disclosure about his past? That's a dealbreaker for me, and he should pay laywer feeds in that case.

So WH and I discussed the post nup again last night. I told him I had lots issues with his last point of contention. Not the point itself as much as WHY. We went round and round, and basically it came down to two things. He wanted it to be a document going forward from the date of execution because he thought that was always the intention from both of us, AND he was saying it would legally be interpreted as such anyway unless specifically stated otherwise.

I reminded him when I brought this up initially over a year ago, the intention was to plan out our D in advance from a place of love, so if R did not work out an ugly D was not a possibility. Also that since that time, he had lied about his recovery, led me to believe he was further along than he was, convinced me to buy a house I wouldn't have had I known the truth, then dropped the bomb his TT was ten times less than the real story in disclosure. That his assumptions that we were in a place now to make agreements going forward would make sense if we were on a level playing field, but right now I could *never* be sure I was on a level playing field. That to agree to that condition was asking a huge leap of faith after I had already given him more benefit of the doubt than he deserved.

Back and forth, etc. He said he'd sign whatever I wanted, he wanted me to have the security I needed and deserved, but kept saying as it was written it would be interpreted as going forward anyway, and that I'd have to change the wording if I wanted it to go backward. And that contracts in general don't legally fly going backward, but again he'd sign whatever. Or we could wait until after the poly if I wanted to be sure his disclosure was the truth. By the end he was pretty much conceeding to anything and everything, he was worried and probably scared I had changed my mind and would leave because of this point. He even said if I was less than 50% sure that I wanted to stay M anymore, we could just go forward with D using the post-nup as the template for the settlement agreement as is, he wanted me to feel safe. But that he'd also do whatever I wanted and needed to stay.

Basically, my gut says he's not hiding anything. I think he still has some of the entitlement and need for control that WS's have and that addicts have, stuff they use to deflect the guilt and shame off what they have done. And I will have the poly to prove that either way.

IDK. I think I need to bounce all this off several people to get an idea if it sounds like what I think it is.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmetoo2011 - I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless and negative. I know how you feel.

I may be going through something very difficult right now, but I would never, ever tell someone not to reconcile. It is a very personal decision. Only you know what you can manage. You're the only one who is engaging with him daily.

No matter what road you take, it will be hard. No decision is irreversible. Follow your gut.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BeautifulMess)) I'm amazed you did it so quickly. Please don't worry about the insurance. If you have a policy through your workplace, I can't imagine it being a problem. And I'm sure your doctor's office was a much more pleasant experience than something like Planned Parenthood. You have enough stress in your life right now.

Hath - all I can say is that I wish YOU WERE MY LAWYER. I don't know exactly what to make of his issues. I'm sorry.

(((NotMeToo))) I owe you a PM. I have been on this thread for 13 months now I think. Things are calm for a while, then several people's lives start imploding, then it seems like a chain reaction. I think that NG, Ghost, and I all left our H's at the same time, for example. But then things quiet down again. So that's what you're seeing here, I think.

I do think that the BDSM is scary and different from some other problems here. Having said that, if your H seems genuinely remorseful, shows real empathy for the pain he's caused you, is seeing a CSAT or other very seasoned professional, and is involved with a 12-step program, then he has a real chance at recovery.

The other way you might look at it is that your youngest child is already in his/her teens. So you could risk it and see if you could stick it out for just five more years, knowing that this child will be in college then. But only YOU can figure out what's best for you and your family.

I'm sorry you're feeling down today.

(((Hugs)))
-Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notme, I can TOTALLY identify with everything you are saying. I think it healthy to question our choices. It's not fun to, but it's healthy. Basically it comes down to, are you better off with or without him? That's all you need to think about.

Hope, IDK about his issues either. I mean, damn, if he doesn't "pay" for the laywer fees, he's paying for it out of joint funds anyway. I think this is part of dealing with a laywer, part of dealing with a WS, part of dealing with a early recovering addict, etc. But I do know one thing. I know I would make a good lawyer, but I would never want to BE one.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm nothing if not a woman of action. My Mom said something to me today that really struck home. She said as women and as wives we do our best to remain vulnerable, to give our husbands the opportunity to protect us. We let ourselves need them. We give them the chance to take care of us. When they blow that chance or squander that opportunity we have to pack up that vulnerability and be strong for ourselves. When we take that next step to care for ourselves we also end up not needing them anymore.

I tried to need him. I tried to give him the opportunity to step up for me. I wanted him to be a man, to protect me, to make my health and safety a top priority. He didnít, so I had to take the bull by the horns and take care of myself. Once I found out he hadnít gotten tested, I knew I had to do it myself. The STD tests, plus the extra ones because I have strep throat and an ear infection, took only an hour. One hour.

In that hour I stopped needing him. I stopped being vulnerable. I took back my independence.

Hath - I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like you are being very reasonable. I, too, would make a good lawyer, but decided against that path. He is probably right that you would have to reword the post-nup to be retroactive because generally contracts are not. Even then, a judge might not accept it. Still, if he is willing to do that for you, then I would take him up on the offer. Because of the huge amount of additional truth you got, it's hard to imagine there would be something more, but there always could be. You never know with an addict. Keeping that option in your back pocket sounds very smart to me.

[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 11:39 AM, October 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I don't know why I've had the sudden decline in mood. I'm thinking it could be hormonal. I'm in peri-menopause and while I'm not usually affected by such things, I just got my first period in about five months, so who knows.

As far as would I be better off with him or without him goes, I guess I feel I'm better off with him, at least for now.

I have been agonizing about the issue of telling or not telling the kids. Right now I feel why would I tell them. I'm almost certain they don't suspect anything is wrong with our M. I'm pretty sure my DD would say something to me if she suspected a problem and if any of them asked outright I would tell them the truth. Because there is no outward sign of conflict at home, to tell them would be shocking. It would cause a huge amount of anxiety especially in the two youngest. How this would affect them I don't know. I worry about screwing up their school year. I guess that is why I feel I should try and wait until my youngest graduates HS. Of course, if in the meantime SAWH relapses, then I absolutely would tell them and I would leave. The thought that they may hate me for not telling them and for staying with their father after what he has done, is what is truly eating me. They are my reason for living right now and I couldnt stand to lose their love. I guess my ultimate hope is that if SAWH stays in recovery, they may never need to know, even if it turns out that I can't get past this and we D in the future.

I'm looking into post nups. I'm not sure they are legal where we live. SAWH says he will sign whatever I want.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
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