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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((can't be real))) I echo what everyone has said. And how can you not grieve? Because you are likely in deep PTSD. It's a survival mechanism. And FWiW, I doubt he passed the STD test, if he even took one. There seems to be an ongoing theme on this thread about this. You have to remember you can't apply logic to a person who has none. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself TIME to process. One step at a time.

Numb, you lay out the boundaries that you require to stay in the relationship. Then if he does not comply, you file. In this particular case, you do not choose to remain married to an addict that is not in treatment. Treatment means seeing a CSAT weekly, plus 12 step meetings, and whatever else the CSAT requires. That this is not open for interpretation. This is not go see X or I will D. This is here are the rules you have to follow for me to stay. These are the requirements for me to consider reconciling. It may sound like splitting hairs, but there is a difference. This is not just avoiding co-dep behavior stuff. this is standard how to deal with your WS stuff, 180 stuff, etc. If he wants to remain married, he has to be willing to do the work.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I hope you are all okay. I just popped in to say hello.

My keylogger informs me that my STBX WH was indeed abstaining from porn etc until the point I told him I didn't want to have sex with him ever again. Now he is on the hunt and honestly some of the things he is writing on the sites he uses... I cannot believe I was (and still am) married to this man.

As time goes on my resolve hardens and despite the fact that he told me on Monday evening that he still loves me and thinks in a couple of months I would have met a few bastards and will want him back... well funnily enough I can't wait to be rid of him and his deceitful ways.

Because of our complicated equity situation I am playing "soothing friendly lets remain best friends blah blah blah" woman with him but I have done a lot of research and gathered a lot of evidence and I am playing a role that will make mine and the childrens' future the best it can be from hereon in.

I'm pleased to say he moved into the study on Tuesday. THANK GOD!!! Having my own bedroom (we had 2 single beds before, but still, it was horrible) makes such a difference.

I hope you are all okay and thanks for being there for me when I was on the rollercoaster. I am now well and truly off it and out of the fog and looking forward to a brighter future. It's just a shame it may take a while to actually all fall into place.


(((Spouses)))

x


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Beachy
♀ Member
Member # 16132
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CallmeRed - sounds like we are in VERY similar situations. It is such a relief that WH is in his own room. I am glad you are finding your peace.

HNF - so true about the logic. The people in my life keep saying that this just doesn't make sense with the person they know and I say the same thing - you can't apply normal logic to such sickness.

I need to go back and read the rest.

I am about to have the D talk ... I know it's going to go poorly. *sigh* But I also know it's the right thing to do for me and the kiddos.


Me: BS - 39
Him: WS - 48 SA/AA, multiple D days, multiple partners, disgusting mess
Kids: 3
Divorced!!!! :)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2007
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck Beachy. Are you doing it in MC or just at home or something?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CallMeRed1
Good job! They say "the only way out is through" - and it looks like you're on your way!
-Hope

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, haven't been here in awhile. I am not having a good day emotionally.

It is basically the same ole story..hub says he will not lie to me, stop his visits to ABS BUT tells me that I am sadly mistaken to think that no man looks at porn.

This morning (after yet another promise not to) he went to ABS.

I am so frustrated and angry and depressed!
I am seeing a SCAT therapist who is fantastic.
The thing is I am gps'ing him from time to time so that is how I know he is not keeping his word. He does not know this.

My counselor wants me to tell him all and let him know that I know and by what means if I have to...
I am not comfortable with this especially after reading so much on SI..I do not want to give up my means. It is all I have to know what is going on since he is not honest and he stopped his therapy.

So, here I sit feeling disgusted, and a whole bunch of other stuff that only you guys can understand.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Red))) What a dick. Good for you!

(((Cheetah))) Ooh, that does not sit well with me. I'm sorry, but in this day and age men do not go to adult bookstores just for porn. If they just want porn, they can buy it at the convenience store with their gas, or the internet if they need more than a magazine. There is something else to it, you know it and I know it. I'm so sorry. I do agree do not give up your sources. Maybe you can imply a PI, or that a friend saw, or whatever IDK. He broke a promise to you, and crossed your boundary, your requirement to consider staying in the M. I wouldn't take it lightly. You deserve better.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hath..for responding! You are right...
It was early around 9am spent about 4 minutes there..possible it was closed.
The owner of this place was arrested for selling/displaying animal porn.
I am just sick and sick and sick...
How can someone be so "good" in every which way and have this "secret" life. How does he manage to text or call me afterwards and say...Hi lil momma! With such happiness and love in his voice.

I guess I am still in big denial and I feel stuck cause I can't confront without spilling my sources yet...I can't keep this facade up much longer.

It is sad too..that he doesn't see the "real" me either...meaning that he doesn't even realize I am "acting" like things are normal.

I went an peeked in his "hidden" spot (I know...my sickness) and found a dvd cover of porn (hot moms do it in the rear) but the dvd is not in there...so that tells me he is probably watching it on his dvd player at the job/in the car.

How sad. I am sad and mourning my life as I once thought it was.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH...I wanted to know...what do you say when your spouse tells you that ALL men look at porn and that it is normal!!?

Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Cheetah}}}

It's so good to see you again, to find out how you are doing, but not so good to see you are still hurting.

My X wouldn't stop looking at porn; he just lied and said he would and tried to hide it more. I don't think he had any intention of stopping. He said all men do it, too. But the therapist told him if it was bothering me, then it was a problem in the marriage.

After he lied and said he would quit with the porn, he was caught with a new profile to solicit women on the internet, so eventually he became my X due to that.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and finding parts of your life to enjoy. How are your children?

(I remember seeing your posts a long time ago; not sure if you remember me or not...)


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH...I wanted to know...what do you say when your spouse tells you that ALL men look at porn and that it is normal!!?

Speaking it out loud to me and hearing my response kind of made him realize his particular flavor of acting out wasn't normal. He tried justifying the fetish porn and saying he was hurt that I was creeped out by it, and saying it was ok since ive looked at porn before too.

Except I described what I thought was "normal", which was pretty vanilla to him, otherwise why the fetish stuff? Why the things I can't do for him? And, while it isnt porn per se, why the pictures of people I know/love/am related to?!?!

Has your H ever described out loud to you what he looks at/uses? Maybe verbalizing it will make him actually look at it from a different perspective.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is good to be back...well, you know what I mean.
Here I miss months of coming here..reading but not posting and as soon as I post I get support.

After seeing that my Hub went to the ABS this am...my gut told me that it was closed and I was pretty sure he would go there sometime again today.

I was considering calling in late to work and stake the place out.

BUT...I talked myself out of it because it is an inconvienence..why should I lose work time etc.

So, I saw him briefly (we work at same place but different shifts). He seemed a bit off, wound tight.

Sure enough...as soon as he left me..he went straight to that place!! UGH....I knew it...I knew it!! Of course, I am at work and there is nothing I could do. I considered leaving and driving there and catching him there but again that is my insanity talking. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last time.

When I asked him why he went to that place he said he liked the variety of porn they have there.

Nothingelsematters...I think I understand what you mean but not really clear on it.

(Compartmented) of course I remember you!! I have not forgotten one person who helped me in the past...we are all like family...not that we choose to be here but it is sure comforting to know there is always someone around 24/7.

I guess my problem is not being able to confront when I want to keep my sources to my heart. If HUBs was committted to recovery and we were seriously working on the M...I could see where honesty has to be on the table. BUT he is not there..not sure if he will ever be there (that is the hard part for me to swallow). If I didn't have the gps or means to know what I know...I would think that all was well.
This stuff saves me and kills me at the same time.

The counselor thinks that until I get real...he won't.

BUT I do know this about him...he is a stubborn son of a gun and much more is behind his facade..and he will probably deny anything til his dying day and then some.

So, how do you fall out of love with someone? I let myself live in denial for a bit to give myself a break from it all but I have to say my SCAT is pretty good at chipping the wall down.
I can't go a day without thinking about how I am deprived and don't deserve this stuff.

YET I don't feel ready or strong enough to say I am done.

It is sad but sometimes I wish I could have something drastic happen so I can make a move. You know?!?


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cheetabump,

My honest opinion? He is gaslighting you with the porn bit. Maybe all men look at porn, but SA's in recovery can never do that again. That is like saying all _________ have a drink once in awhile. Recovering alcoholics cannot. I don't really think he is just going to the ABS to look for porn anyways.


It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last time.

It is sad but sometimes I wish I could have something drastic happen so I can make a move. You know?!?

I guess I wonder what you are doing for yourself, to help yourself out of this cycle and insanity. It is good that you are seeing a CSAT, but are you getting your ducks in a row? Can you support yourself financially? Do you have a support network of recovery friends (like through S-Anon) or friends who know and will have your back if you leave?

What drastic event would be enough? When your kids find out some of the gruesome truth or when the cops show up at your door? Yes, unfortunately that was finally my bottom after many years of the cat and mouse game. The cat and mouse game is pretty pointless in the end; the active addict gaslights and lies when confronted. My H has admitted to me in the past few years of recovery that he lied, manipulated, and gaslighted me for most of the marriage when confronted with evidence.


The counselor thinks that until I get real...he won't.

A word of caution on this statement: even if you "get real", he may never. Addicts have to reach their rock bottom, and some never do. Boundaries are to protect you, not to help the addict change.

Cheeta, take care of yourself. You ARE worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TooManyYears....I think I just am in denial and each time I am confronted with his behaviour is just another hard reality I need to open my eyes to. It just hurts and sucks cause it is not where I thought we would be in our lives right now. None of us do right?

Hard reality is accepting this and then knowing that I may have to move on without him in my life.

Hard reality...when there are still so many other good things in our life together. BUT what good is all that when we are not living an authentic one? It is like cutting off my arm cause it is stuck in a rock and there is no other way.

At least, that is how I am feeling today and I know I won't feel this way forever but it sucks.

Counselor didn't mean it in the way I wrote it...I made it sound like that I am some how responsible for him getting help. She meant it more, that I need to have consequences for his behaviour to his not respecting my boundary.

One of the boundaries was for him not to go to these places. BUT my situation is how to tell him I know when I don't want to tell him how I know.
I guess that is what I meant about having something happen. I do not want a big crises...just something that helps me open the dialogue.
We only can talk in small pockets. I can only talk in small pockets..

It is all about me and how I need to work on me and how to protect me.

I need to look over my finances this weekend and see how I could survive if I had to. We are dishing out more than we are bringing in right now and that is with both of us working!!

The economy and bills just keep rising...so hard to keep afloat as it is. This is not an excuse..this is a reality.

Well, I will at least look at the picture and see how I may be able to improve on it.
I just don't know where this will end up and I should have a better picture in my head.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Cheetah, I think you should be ready for the fallout. Ready for him to leave the house, or you, or whatever if it comes to that. Ducks in row and whatnot. Consult with the L and see what the options are, secure some money where he can't get at it, etc.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have had survellance in for AFTER confrontation. A keylogger in the 'puter, a VAR in the car, etc to find out what happened AFTER he was found out. Supposedly, according to SI wisdom, that's when you get the real low down, when they cover their tracks and try to go underground. I think my story would have played out very differently if I had known to do that. Not that I needed evidence for D or whatever, to know AT THAT TIME what I knew was the tip of the iceberg and how much lying really was going on.

As for the confrontation itself, you don't have to reveal your sources. You say you know, you can't reveal your sources, and it isn't about him trying to disprove "evidence". YOU KNOW he's been there, he knew he agreed not to go, and that is all that matters. And then be quiet and see what spews forth from him. Could be gaslighting, could be confessions, could be silence, could be any number of things. You just be silent and let him respond, and if he bates you you stay silent. But what he does or does not say after being confronted will speak volumes. And you will know how to proceed. Don't worry about being "found out". If he spends all his efforts trying to find out how you know, not be transparent/remorseful/etc. you already have your answer, right?

You will need to be prepared to dole out consequences. Talk to the CSAT of what that would be - him sleeping elsewhere (in the house or out), dividing the money until you decide to file, or what he would say or do that would be game over and you'd file next day anyway.

Hugs. This sucks.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the boundaries was for him not to go to these places. BUT my situation is how to tell him I know when I don't want to tell him how I know.

What was the consequence you had put in place for the boundary? You can tell him whatever you like as to how you know the information. One of my favorite from when I had a teenager was that someone saw him and let me know. Or, someone that works there has an agreement with me to let me know when you come by. It really sounds like you are afraid of the confrontation, which is understandable.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. How many of you notice that there are a lot of posters on this board that seem to be married to SAs. When they list multiple affairs, prostitutes, porn and/or websites for hookups it really shoots up such red flags. Wish there was something in the Just Found Out thread on signs that you are married to an SA.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree Missy, there seem to be more in JFO all the time. My personal experience coming on there over a year ago, it was all people with spouses in affairs with one person. I was really really hesitant to post my story, I felt like I didn't belong here. If I posted my story they would recoil in horror, LOL. But once I did, everyone jumped to support me and were quick to point out SA as a possibility - even people that do not have spouses with SA. And the ones that did have SA spouses were quick to point me to this forum, what I needed to read, where I needed to go, etc.

The problem is SA is still not accepted as a real condition in mainstream society. So people are quick to pooh-pooh it. So when you are reeling from finding out this massive betrayal, the last thing on your mind is SA, especially if you have never even heard of it, or worse if you have an opinion you can't be addicted. You've just been hit with a hundred pounds of shit, then someone wants to tell you your spouse is addicted, and that you may have contributed to it as a co-dep. It's a lot to take. And not even on your radar on your own most of the time.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath-
So true. I didn't really know what SA was until I read about it on here. The Tiger Woods thing didn't help with the confusion.

Thank God for SI. As H was describing some of his behavior on "WTF day", instead of being grossed out, lost/confused, scared, and alone, I at least knew where to start.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Fogtrauma
♀ New Member
Member # 35273
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted to SI when I first found out about my ex's infidelity and some when it came out that he has a sex addiction, but never on this thread in part because I don't want to believe that it's true. I guess now, 6 months out, I can finally admit it and am maybe ready to talk about it.

He moved out just one week after the affairs came to light, and I have made it clear since then that I am moving on with my life, although I am willing to try for friendship. He has started seeing a CSAT on his own, goes to SA meetings twice a week, and completed a 90-in-90 program, 90 meetings in 90 days. The thing I read over and over is that words mean nothing and they have to show you with actions that they are a changed person. I feel like he is doing the work. He has taken it past just the ways he hurt me with infidelity, and apologized for other ways he was not good to me, ways which I never even thought about until he mentioned them, and to me, that means he is truly examining his behavior in all aspects and trying to change.

I guess why I am posting is that I want to know, is that even possible with a sex addict? Are they ever changed? Are there any happy endings to this story? I think of the ways he was capable of hurting me and I can't imagine that someone could ever be so evil. But I talk to him, and I think, there is no way he could possibly do that again. However, I never thought he could in the first place. So does the therapy, the work, and the desire to change actually create change, or is it all just a mask?


BS - 28
D day #1- 4/6/12
D day #2- 5/6/12

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2012
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