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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 27th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BelievedHim)))
You are in a dangerous situation. Your H's sex addiction is quite far along. I strongly, strongly urge you to ask you to leave your home NOW.

I've been here a relatively long time, and no one is doing you a favor by telling you to stick around. Your physical safety must come first. Your H impregnanted a HITCHHIKER. He meets strangers for sex through CL. Sooner or later, one of these people is going to give him AIDs, or kill him, or rob and beat him, or follow him home and kill YOU. I assume he goes to these liaisons carrying a wallet with his driver's license. Sooner or later, one of these people will have your home address. These are NOT nice or sane people.

I hope you can find a safe place while you figure all of this out. It is no longer safe to live with your H. (And I know this from experience - my STBX did similar things, but only at the very end of a LONG,PROGRESSIVE addiction. The fact that your H is doing these things right now is very serious.)

And I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but most of these guys have no "bottom" after a certain point. If you leave, you leave to take care of YOURSELF, not to teach him a lesson or force him to hit rock bottom and seek help.

I hope you can find a new therapist who understands that criticizing you is not helpful right now. You need all the support you can get. Please keep posting so we know you're okay.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Believedhim
♀ New Member
Member # 37223
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies, thank you for responding.

When he cheated the first time, I did have sex with him not knowing the full details of it. But we both did go have have testing done, which came back negative for everything. Thank our Lord for that. And sadly to cope and push away how I'm feeling (cause I'm damaged goods here too) he and I have had sex a lot. I am calling my dr on Tuesday to make appointment though. We are over a month out from his last encounter and discovery. So far I'm fairly certain he hasn't done anything cause I have been tracking him and he has been in pretty much constant contact with me via texting. Plus, his work has ramped up as well, which is a blessing right now.

Upon this last discovery I had seen the number to the OW he was going to most frequently and lol called her. I basically told her to stay the hell away from my husband or I was coming after her. Of course she hung up on me. But on some level it did feel really good. From what he has told me there was only 3 or 4 women he met with at their places and because his vehicle is pretty easy to remember he would park blocks away so they wouldn't see it. So some thought process was happening and planning and scheming to not get caught. It's just all so heartbreaking.

Like I said he is going to SA meetings. Has a sponsor and is counting each day he hasn't looked at anything or acted on any impulse. Unfortunately we are such a small community we don't have CSAT's or S-ANON's. I am going to try an AL-ANON meeting soon. My kids don't know anything, which absolutely has to stay that way, and I am a SAHM to my lil one so going to meetings is pretty difficult with my H's workload. But I know I have to work on me. I have gotten several books from a certain author the therapist wants me to read about love addiction and co-dependency so I have started those and my H has gotten a few books from an author that writes about SA and breaking the cycle. He will start those soon. Hadn't yet cause of other obligations that I allowed him to concentrate on.

I know what he has done is sick, twisted, beyond normal rational behavior and most definitely dangerous for us all. My main worry for this last discovery has been him giving our 22mo old an infection by just givin him a kiss. Which I have reminded him of. Since his sex of choice isn't intercourse but giving oral. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...... I am pretty terrified of some of the responses now. Does this all truly mean that he will never recover and train and learn to be a normal thinking H? I know we will never be the same again. There, I'm guessing, will always be some kind if doubt. But I guess I am being naive thinking we can recover from this if he works the steps and stays diligent and I too work on myself to not enable him by turning a blind eye to his trigger of porn.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi believedhim, first of all lots of hugs to you ((())), this is hard stuff.

Second, having lots of sex after DDay (discovery day) is known as HB (hysterical bonding) and it's a common phenomenon we talk about on SI. I did it too. Still, just because you haven't caught something yet doesn't mean you haven't been exposed somehow. Regular STD testing every 3 months. Incubation period for some STD's is more than an initial teat can catch. Please still maintain caution. He may still be acting out and still lying, so you never know what you are being exposed to until he is in recovery and you feel your relationship is truly secure in R (reconciliation). Lots of SA's relapse early on. And I still would be suspicious of him claiming it was oral only in these CL meetups, he may have withheld info with the notion that it is protecting your feelings (it's really not because it is still lying)... You have a right to know everything going on in your life and marriage.

He may recover, but it's a lifetime effort. Physical fitness requires regular, consistent diligent maintenance and recovery seems to work the same. His choices and efforts have to be consistent over a long period of time.

Have you installed a key logger on your computer yet?

Hang in there hon. We are here for you.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Computer Hiccup. Duplicate. Sorry. I think my internet connection is afraid of the coming of FRANKENSTORM!!!!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:21 PM, October 28th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Believed, no words of wisdom other than what wise Hope and NEM have said. I just wanted to echo the "take care of YOU" part and give you a Hug, spouses style.

And I'm holding you in the *LIGHT*
Living through this is crap.

********((((((((((BelievedHim))))))))********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BelievedHim - So sorry, you are still a little in shock from what you are saying. This is a lot to grasp. Mine is a recovering drug addict as well, CSAT says co-addictions are very common. Please take care of yourself during this stressful time.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Believedhim
♀ New Member
Member # 37223
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please understand, no matter what I say here I am COMPLETELY appreciative of the words of wisdom, advice and encouragement from the responders. I am taking everything to heart that I am seeing. Like I said I will definitely begin the process of std testing on Tuesday since Monday is a surgery day for my dr. There isn't any sex going on right now because of my not so friendly monthly friend.

I don't know any of you even in the slightest but love u all since we are all going through the same emotions and crap. I am not mad or discouraged at anything present or warned, I will not turn a blind eye to anything he is doing. I feel anything from him and I am right there to call him out on it.

We are going to our first MC on Friday, maybe something new will come out, maybe not, maybe I have heard it all, maybe we haven't even touched on the real truth. But, no matter I am going in on guard with a slight open mind so I don't close the door to him being open and honest. Praying to our Lord for strength and courage to get through this and for my kids to be ok and safe.

Hugs to each and every one of you my friends!!!!!!!


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 28th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((BelievedHim)))***
Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing as you move forward.

Praying to our Lord for strength and courage to get through this and for my kids to be ok and safe.

This is the most important thing: for your kids to be okay and safe. And for YOU to be okay and safe too.



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is everyone? Anyone else in the path of Frankenstorm?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Kat,

Well, I had a long day at work. Lots of drama. But I can't complain, at least I'm not on the East Coast.

Are you in Sandy's path?

Wishing you all the best!


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat,
Yes. And my parents are in an even more dangerous area. At least one tree fell on their house and they have a flooded basement and no electricity. And now they are unreachable.

Are you okay?

In the middle of this, DD, six, spilled water on my computer. For now, lost five years of photos of my children plus all my D "evidence."

2013 is trying to kill me.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 29th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For now, lost five years of photos of my children plus all my D "evidence."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 9:37 PM, October 29th (Monday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, might be too late for this post, but upside down and stick it in a huge bag of rice....and I know there are services that can retrieve data in these cases.

We are fine. We have actually had worse winds in "regular"storms. We have huge trees behind and on our property but lost only one small willow. No other damage, and virtually no loss of power. Amazing. But my beloved "shore" They are called barrier islands for a reason. They are not meant to be permanent, and mother nature surely showed us that...

I often lament that if not for SAfWH's "hobbies" we might have been able to afford a modest house at the shore. Maybe there is a blessing here? IDK...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you all are safe!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad everyone is safe. Happy Halloween!

Things are really up and down right now. Had to skip MC this week because I had a baby shower to go to. Really trying to let go and turn things over, this is a much bigger struggle than it was before DDay. I feel like during the drug addiction I let go and turned it over. This resulted in a divorce before he would get help. Then I really didn't involve myself in his recovery, just stuck to myself. This ended up with the SA, although it had started before that just became active again. The truth is all the years of sexual anorexia were awful too, just don't know if I can really make this work. Truth is I can't make it work, I can only do my part. SAWH is going to have to do his part too. Going to sit back and see how much he really does. He seems to think that just not acting out is all that is required, not anything deeper.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((MISSYMOMMA))))))

Mine thought all he had to do was not act out. He couldn't understand why I expected more than white-knuckling.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, better right now. Seems he can go days with a bad attitude and then gets better. I called his CSAT today because I had just gotten fed up with the attitude. He supported me and we are going back to MC next week. I am still just waiting to see how things progress and working my steps to let go and enjoy my life. Not wasting any more time on bad attitudes.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been catching up today. Sorry for my absence, but I've been focusing on myself for these last 2 weeks. It has been peaceful and amazing being in my house alone, not worrying about the lies, just enjoying my own company. I have been connecting more deeply with family, catching up on things that had fallen by the wayside, and doing the things that make me feel good.

Separation has been so wonderful for my mental clarity. We decided on a 3 month controlled separation where we continue to go to MC together and have limited contact. We talked in MC last week about when the "clock" started for our 3 month separation. The MC asked if it was from the day we separated. My gut reaction was NOOOO!!! I wanted that extra week from the time we separated to time we made the controlled separation agreement not to count. That I'm dreading coming to the table to talk about moving back in together just 1 week earlier is a pretty significant indication that I'm leaning heavily towards divorce right now.

I'm sorry for those of you that have joined us and are going through the early stages of this. It is all hard, but that is such a confusion, tumultuous time. Remember to breath and take care of yourself.

I survived Sandy just fine. They had us all worked up about how horrible it was going to be here in Virginia, then we basically got a minor rain storm. My power didn't even flicker. I was all prepared and stocked up and had my generator ready to go... then nothing. My heart goes out to those who truly were affected.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been peaceful and amazing being in my house alone, not worrying about the lies, just enjoying my own company. I have been connecting more deeply with family, catching up on things that had fallen by the wayside, and doing the things that make me feel good.

Yes, I remember the peace. Even through my shock, I remember the peace.

I'm in the middle of divorce hell right now, and I'm back to my deep breath exercises and my "Right now, my children and I are safe. Right now, we have a roof over our heads and food in the refrigerator" mantras. But yes, even through this, I have peace that I never had in my marriage.

Best of luck to you BeautifulMess. A simple, safe life is a beautiful thing.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad that you are enjoying your time alone, Beautifulmess7. Nice to hear about Virginia, I know MD and DC had power outages. My oldest DD is in NY but she was fine and had no power out either.

Have been on the board a lot the last 2 days because I threw my back out while working out. This hasn't happened in quite a while but have had a really stressful 2 weeks and too much to do. This has made me just lay in bed and take muscle relaxants. It is good for fWHSA to have to do the childcare and errands. It makes him appreciate all that I do. Hope I am ok for Monday, we have MC for 2 hours. Already went to the chiropractor but might have to go to a doctor tomorrow, I had some leftover muscle relaxants but am almost out.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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