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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sodeeplysaddened

I totally agree with the others who are outraged that your SAWH IC said you shouldn't have made him tell his parents why you were divorcing. After DDay I made my SAWH tell his parents about all his As and acting out. I felt they should know what was going on so they wouldn't think I was being a cold bitch when I wasn't worshipping the ground he walked on anymore.

numbandnaseous and nightsky

Way to go both of you for standing up to your SAWHs and issuing them ultimatums. Stick to your guns and don't cave. Let them know you mean business.

Sending hugs and strength to everyone.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numbandnauseous - Good for you!! Stay strong and hold firm to that 2 week deadline. He will throw hissy fits and try to engage you, probably stomp and rage and try to intimidate you. Try not to get drawn in. It will be hard. It will be your personal battleground. Come here whenever you need support.

My best advice to the rest of you struggling right now is to listen to your gut. In my experience, a SA who is still lying and not taking responsibility is NOT going to get better. You can't trust them, and you can't control them. That was the hardest part for me. I can't be the engineer of his "rock bottom" or the catalyst of his recovery. Only he can. If he isn't willing, then it won't happen.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for helping me keep my strength and resolve!

N&N - I just ordered Mending a Shattered Heart and Don't Call it Love.

The first time through we both read Not Just Friends. About a year ago we watched Fireproof (he actually cried).

The hardest part for me is I have no doubt he loves me and we actually have a lot of fun together.

Listening to what everyone else is going through and all the great wisdom is helping me a lot. THANK YOU ALL!


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here read or have any of the books written by milton magness? I wondered in what ways it differs from Carnes' books.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Rollercoaster.

I want off.

He was horrible to me in the weeks leading up to my dissertation defense. I dont even fully understand what his f'n problem was, but I kept asking gently if he had been speaking to his IC (he hadn't). Once he finally got a hold of the guy, he didn't like what the CSAT had to say, but he eventually digested it.

Now I see his issues as taking his stress out on me, which my CSAT said to watch for. My CSAT said a positive sign of growth in my SAWH/BH is when H does not take his anxiety about stuff out on me. Well, he did take it out on me, and demanded that I find his happy and fix him, essentially at my expense.

F THAT. I am finishing my degree and have had to fight his sabotage off every step of the way. It is increasingly clear to me that he will not support me AT ALL for my next degree which I begin in a few years. I cannot go another round of this. But holding back my career because he "doesn't like it" and "isn't happy" when I am in school?

???!????!?!!!!?!!

Sorry. This is venty. I am so angry and am finally allowing it to come out. Need to get back to my CSAT, ASAP.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just finished a couple of tests yesterday. So I am back.

Nothingelsematters - My fWHSA does the same thing and the MC this week asked him if he was aware that that was a narcissistic trait. Something fWHSA father would do, who is a full blown narcissist. He acknowledged that he had narcissistic traits in other areas but hadn't thought of this as one. To him it just felt like he was overwhelmed, she said but it is all about you. You aren't even considering your partner or anyone else around you. Lightbulb moment. Now when he does it in little ways I am saying 'Honey, really?" He stops himself in his tracks. It is a crazy making, crappy feeling when they do that and has always caused huge fights for us. Hope your WHSA gets it. If he isn't going to meetings and seeing his CSAT, how does he expect to get better? Good for you for sticking up for yourself, F THAT is right!

numbandnauses - Great job! Holding to that deadline is going to be rough but you can do it! If he really wants to change, he'll do it. Otherwise, he can live his sick, twisted addiction on his own.

nightsky - Good that you stood up. His IC does not sound equipped to handle the situation. Hopefully, you can find an MC that is. Preferably a CSAT or someone with at least an addiction background.

beutifulness - I agree that if they are still lying a year or so into recovery that is a bad sign. Now 2 months in, they haven't usually reached full honesty. The way my therapist explained it was that stopping acting out was the 1st order of change. The change in thinking is the 2nd order of change. That takes years and there are small amounts of progress on that continually.

Things going ok for me right now. Feel like the MC is doing a great job. We are both working hard. I have to say some of the COSA meetings drive me nuts. Lots of thinking that just keepig your side of the street clean, i.e. not yelling and controlling but living and allowing the addict to live in their addiction and setting NO boundaries about it. I am just stunned at the amount of this going on.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some good news:

HE CALLED THE CSAT!!!! HE CALLED THE CSAT!!!! HE CALLED THE CSAT!!!!!

This is after I told him 3 days ago that he would need to make an appt to see a CSAT in 2 weeks or I would be moving out of our M.

I am still in shock after all the BS he has put me through over these past 7 months: unremorseful, still focusing on himself, just told me a few days ago that "that's not how I want to spend my time" re: IC, etc. I also fully expected him to push the CSAT appt all the way to the 2 week mark and even beyond.

I called the CSAT yesterday to let him know that WH might be calling. CSAT called me back today to ask what WH's last name was bc someone called and left a message. We do not have the same last name, so CSAT wasn't sure if person who called was WH. When I said WH's last name, CSAT said, yep, that's him.

I know that this is just a very small first step and many things can go wrong from here, but I am shocked that the first step has been taken so quickly and that WH listened when I set my boundary.

Yeah!

Sending hope and strength to all SA spouses!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numbandnauseous - Yipee! Yes it might be only the first step but he took the first step!!!!!! So happy for you and I know the excitement mixed with the anxiety is a lot. Stay strong, you have shown him you mean business.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say some of the COSA meetings drive me nuts. Lots of thinking that just keepig your side of the street clean, i.e. not yelling and controlling but living and allowing the addict to live in their addiction and setting NO boundaries about it. I am just stunned at the amount of this going on.

Yes. I remember this well. I also remember all the listless, slumped-over people who had been attending those meetings for years. There was no spark left in them at all.

As an aside, Missy Mommy, my STBX had a NPD mother. He always had N traits, but was so likable and NICE that we all ignored them. As the SA progressed, the NPD became full-blown. OR the NPD progressed, and the SA became full-blown. Not sure which. But either way, they are interlinked somehow.

And if you want to read more about his latest NPD stunt, I've posted the "Hold on to your seat" post on the S&D thread.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My CSAT said that she felt I was better suited to CODA because most of the people in COSA were still in the very beginning stages of recovery, not very far along. After going to some I got what she meant. Geez! However, I have become part of an email COSA group and speaking up doesn't seem to be a problem. Starting to get to be a good group, people beginning standing up for themselves.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting. Most of the people in my COSA group had been there for years. It was a very sad place.

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she meant stuck in the beginning stages of recovery, not just new to recovery.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK just a laugh. Today I had run out of my shampoo, so I used fWHSA. It was called "Self Absorbed". I laughed so hard in the shower I almost fell down!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy - re: shampoo - that's perfect! Thanks for the laugh!

Also, I can relate to the SA taking their stress out on you. I was just talking to my IC about that - at the beginning of our relationship, we would be having these huge fights out of the blue and I had no idea why - it was awful and baffling. I finally started to link it to stress at work and got him to stop taking it out on me as much, but he still does it.

Update on my situation: he didn't tell me that he called CSAT when he got home tonight, he acted very tired and went downstairs to watch tv. I noticed that he looked up the SAST (screening test for SAs) on the computer today. I think he is depressed because he is starting to see that he is an SA.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope--I saw your post on S & D about the letter. Oy vey, I can't believe the audacity he has! Time to put the shocker on the door bell.

Numb&Nauseous--My H had very mixed emotions on his diagnosis with SA. On one hand he was very depressed as he realized the mountain he was going to have to climb because otherwise I was walking. However, he said he also felt relieved because he could finally talk about all the things he kept hidden and was ashamed about.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Must be something in the water, my F(?)WHSA called a CSAT this week too! I relayed your great wisdom to him and he agreed, for the time and money he'd be better off with a CSAT than his regular IC.

I think I will go to the same group (they specialize in SA and infidelity) instead of my regular IC too.

This should be interesting!


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

on one hand he was very depressed as he realized the mountain he was going to have to climb

This.

Then he seeks all kinds of reassurances from me. There is a void which he cannot fill that he is asking me to fill. And when I can't or refuse, he is beside himself.

Somehow now I am oddly calm.

Happy Friday, ladies.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my WH called his IC and made an appointment as well. This should be interesting - I haven't said a word to WH about the letters I sent to his IC. When he called, she said that she never expected to hear from him again! Wow. I think I will need to batten down the hatches the day of his appointment.

He also called and set up an appointment with the MC that she recommended. My IC said that this person has extensive experience with couples therapy as well as infidelity - which this is.

WH was pissed when I said this, of course! Just showing me again - no remorse, no empathy for my feelings, more minimizing, making me the bad guy. We don't see him until next month but he did make both appointments.

For some reason the line from that old baseball poem popped into my head this morning - "there is no joy in Mudville tonight." That's where I'm at right now, there is not joy in our marriage. And we haven't even begun to address the SA issues.


BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs

DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard


Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QVee - thanks for the positive spin on the discovery that one is an SA.

sodeep - congrats on WH calling a CSAT - good luck with both of your appointments!

nightsky - congrats to you also for WH making IC and MC appointments. Are they CSATs?

Thanks to all for the support to stay strong. I feel I am starting to waver a bit, not sure how I should act towards him. He is being cold, kissing the kids goodbye in the mornings, but not me (and it is very obvious, because the kids are usually on my lap when he leaves). He barely talks to me and hasn't told me that he has spoken to the CSAT. Not sure what is going on in his head, but I guess it doesn't matter. He'll either step up or not.

I know that I am better off forcing the issue now and D'ing him if he doesn't see CSAT rather than continue to be abused, manipulated, betrayed for years to come. If I stay without him getting treatment, I will be a shell of the person I am now (and the person I am now could use some work!)

Need to stay strong, need to stay strong, don't engage, stay cool and indifferent - my stomach is in knots constantly and I hate this!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, N&N, what you described about his affection for the kids and not you sounds horrible. ((N&N))

You have more strength and grace than you know, and someday you will be able to look back and know you were a fierce mama bear for your kids, not settling for unhealthy. Good for you!


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
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