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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks N&N. We have looked & looked for a csat. There are quite a few that mention sex addiction, but they don't appear to be csat. There's 1 guy csat that works in our city on Fridays, but his website was odd. He had this big rant about managed care & how it would crush his soul. My H works for an HMO, so that didn't go over too well. It sounded to both of us like this guy just wanted to be able to charge more.

He's going to try several. He also went to Sexaholics Anonymous MTG this morning, & he felt like it was very good. I think he picked up a couple of sponsors, so maybe he can get a good referral from someone there.

Thanks for the kind words & support. You all are the best.


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, ladies. It has been a busy weekend. Also upset with WHSA. I was approached by a woman, that most think is an ex-stripper, on Friday. She was going on and on about how sweet and nice my husband was to her at a party that I didn't go to. I was not well and I insisted he go for a couple of hours without me. I handled it well, I was really angry that night so I mentioned it but didn't really get into it until the next day. I brought it up and was met with excuses, denial, hostility and gas lighting. Really trying to make it that I was just overreacting and angry. I said I am not falling for that I am being perfectly appropriate. Even sent him an email laying out everything. Maybe I'll post that later. Anyway, he skulked away all day yesterday. We went out with people last night. I was pleasant, I am being somewhat distant but not going to get into a fight. I am also not going to back down. Those aren't the only 2 choices, no matter that he seems to think. I will not just get over this, there has to be real accountability.

This is very disappointing, there was something that happened earlier in the week and he handled it like someone in recovery. This, not at all like someone in recovery. Blech, I have too much going on for this bullshit! Going to carry on with my life and he can take care of himself.

Oh, and I finally get what has been bothering me in COSA. I come from a family with religious addiction, some people take things too far in 12 steps and think everything is up to God to handle. Leaving out all of their personal responsibility, this is a huge trigger for me.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, so much for that. I got mad anyway. He is supposed to be taking the kids somewhere and can't even take charge and get them out of the house. This went on for an hour before I finally blew up. I need to study and he acts like he is one of the kids. Crap!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, can you take charge of your studying and go to the library or a coffee shop? I know how hard it is to focus with this crap going on, I'm struggling to finish school too. Sometimes I had to choose to rescue myself from him by shutting his noise and desperation out so I could take care of me and get my school stuff done.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NEM! They left. I am till mad over what happened this weekend. This just reinforced that what I need never matters. It is all about him, the narcissism gets to be too much sometimes. He is so passive with the kids sometimes and then doesn't understand why they get out of control. They are 7 and need a parent, not a sibling. If I am not around or trying to do something else they start fighting or just come in and start playing wherever I am. He just sits in his chair and does nothing! Barks at them every once in a while and then waits for them to take the initiative. Just annoying, and then he is judgmental about other people's parenting. I am the parent, he just hangs out with the kids and then takes credit for the hard work I do.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma - so sorry for what you are going through with the stripper - that is way too much! WHSA's reaction also less than stellar.

And, are we married to the same man?! I have the same issues with the kids - he can't seem to get them out of the house, sits (or lays) down and barks orders at them, expecting them to obey, they always come to me. Yet, he thinks he is father of the year and thinks that they mind him better than me and that he is more of a disciplinarian than me! He thinks that because he yells at them, he is better at discipliining.

Also, I can totally relate to the "what I need never matters." Yet, they play the victim and they are the mistreated one....


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I finally get what has been bothering me in COSA. I come from a family with religious addiction, some people take things too far in 12 steps and think everything is up to God to handle. Leaving out all of their personal responsibility, this is a huge trigger for me.

I have no experience with COSA, having been in S-Anon, but I understand what you are saying. One of my parents had a religious addiction, so I personally am NOT very religious. I think that everyone interprets the aspect of a higher power in their own way.

That being said, I don't think that having an addiction or being a co-dependent absolves anyone of responsibility. We all need to own up to our behaviors. The addict needs to admit wrong doings and make amends. That is also part of the steps, so I don't think they are off the hook. I know that my H put a lot of time and effort into self-examination and in writing letters of amends to myself and our children.

The co-dependent also needs to perform a self-examination. I know this makes many uncomfortable, because while we were the wronged party in this situation, we also need to examine ourselves and our actions. I know that I have been a terrible mother at times; very absorbed in my career, alcohol, and in playing the cat and mouse game with my H. It was to the point that I was checked out of what was going on with my kids and was obsessing about the things that I could not control (his acting out). I spent hours monitoring him, playing the detective, while ignoring the emotional needs of my children because I was in such pain. At some point, I have had to own this. I think that when you work the 12 steps with a sponsor, you should be assessing the areas of your responsibility. Otherwise, there isn't much point in the exercise.

My interpretation of the higher power in the 12 steps is giving up the perceived control that I thought I had or wanted to have over things I really don't. One of the hardest things about coming from a FOO that was abusive into a marriage with an addict is that I wanted control. I craved it. I felt anxious about anything that I couldn't control. I am slowly (very slowly) learning how to let go of things and to find my peace and joy, feelings I have never had; the essence of the serenity prayer.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

putonahappyface,

Welcome to our group, unfortunately. Many SA's were sexually abused as children. My H's father is a convicted pedophile that abused many children, including him. It is good that he is admitting this.

I really think a CSAT is very important to recovery. I would keep looking. Also, it is not unusual for a CSAT to not be covered by insurance. Ours doesn't even take insurance.

I know nothing about Celebrate Recovery, but I feel that a 12 step group for both of you is very important. If you do get to a place where you want to attend a 12 step group together, there is Recovering Couples Anonymous. My H and I attended for awhile. I am glad he is trying out SA. Look for an S-Anon group for yourself, if possible. The IRL support of people who have BTDT is invaluable.

Read and learn all you can, and take care of yourself. Seek out recovery for yourself. Good luck on your journey.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, are we married to the same man?!

It does seem like there are way too many similarities.

The co-dependent also needs to perform a self-examination. Yes, I have been a member of CODA for years. It just has been a long time. I just find a lot more of the kind of fantastical thinking associated with religious addiction in COSA. I feel that I was much more codependent over the drug use. Made excuses for him and put up with a lot and wasted a couple of years before I finally just removed myself from the situation. Not sure if that is what is going to happen now.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

34years,

I also welcome you to this sad place.

Some of the books call the spouse a "mirror image" of the SA. While I am the first to agree that some very unhealthy patterns have developed during our years together, I am not in a place where I want to hear that I am co dependent and carry blame for his behavior.

I was the very best wife I knew how to be in every way, it was so important to me to make a success of my marriage. WH took advantage of that, and had everyone in his life convinced he was the epitome of a decent, devoted husband. A pillar of our church. And seemingly the only one of 5 brothers NOT with problems keeping it in his pants. (I truly thought he was different from his brothers).

3 of my grown children found the first evidence of his secret life and came to me with it, so they are in the picture, which I regret, but he was the one who left clues where they could find them. ALL the children now understand things they saw, or their gut feelings about some things in a different way now. Really, i and my kids will have to painfully look back on the last 30 +years in a completely new way. Nothing was what we thought it was.

It is not uncommon to bristle at the notion that we have played a part in the dance, for after all, we are victims in the SA's sick game. However, with time in a recovery of your own, and the clarity that comes with it, you will see that we have played a part. No, I did NOT force him to act out! No, I am NOT the reason he was broken. I accept no responsibility for his actions, that is not what this is about. I do have to accept the fact that I rugswept or wanted to believe the lies. Some of the others have addressed the co-dependent part quite eloquently for you already.

I would like to address the fact that your family life has felt like a lie. It was the same for my children. They were 14 and 16 at the time of the last d-day, and it was actually one of them that had found out. I had knew he was up to acting out, and my gut was going crazy. I made the off hand statement that day to one of my kids that I was mad at their dad. They said, "I am mad at him, too." The rest is history.

My H also seemed like he had overcome so much, and was nothing like his siblings, either. He has a Master's degree, a great job, was not divorced, was not on drugs, went to church, etc. However, from the time that our second child was a baby, I caught him acting out. It went on for years, and I didn't understand SA. I didn't know what I should do. I just kept plodding along, while the image of our family was intact.

The last d-day really changed that. While it was good that it blew it all into the open and he hit rock bottom and got help, the fact that the police were involved, the kids knew, and other details about the last d-day really were very destructive to their opinion of our family. We had some nice family times in the past almost 20 years. But if you were to ask the kids, they would say it was a farce. Even 3 years out, they still don't call him dad. We have went on a few "family" vacations since, and things have eased up a bit as they have seen him working hard on recovery. The reality is that things will never be the same for us. I have second guessed myself a lot. I really have more anguish about the way everything has played out and the way that it has disillusioned my children more than most of the acting out he ever did.

Anyway, read up on SA and learn all you can. Work on recovery for you! Take care of yourself, you are worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
34years
♀ New Member
Member # 37477
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the encouragement.I only got to read one night in my new book.
The next morning my H broke into my house, attacked me, raped me, fractured my back, and was arrested and jailed. I cannot write any more right now, but I will update soon.


Me: 55 YO BS
Him 54 YO WH
M: 34 years
pros, strippers, strangers, Craigslist personals, affair
D-Day: 10-31-12
He is in custody for raping me and fracturing my back
4 grown children

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Oregon
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*****(((((34Years)))))*****

I am heartbroken to read your post. I hope to God that the police keep your husband away from you. Many many prayers are coming your way.

*****(((((Holding you in the light)))))*****


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! 34years, I am so sorry. That is terrible. I hope you will be o.k. (((big hugs)))


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG 34 years I hope you are healing daily. That is horrible. I will have you in my thoughts today. ((34years))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

34,

I am so sad and sick to see your update. This is very traumatic. I understand some of it, unfortunately. My H has never physically hurt me, but he did force me to have anal sex once in a violent manner. He also was questioned by the police for some of his activities. Not quite the same as your trauma, but I can relate to it on a smaller scale.

You probably feel like you are in a zombie state, and you will feel this way for awhile. I remember not being able to go to work or function even on a minimal level for weeks. Is there someone helping you and taking care of you right now? Do you have a counselor you can talk to?

Please baby yourself. Right now you need to be loved and cared for more than ever. Surround yourself with people who will do this for you.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God!((((((((((((((((((((((((((34)))))))))))))))))))))

Im so horrified that he did that to you. Praying for your healing, outside and in.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((34)))

I have been too busy to post lately, but I have been keeping up with the readings here. I am horrified this has happened to you. I hope that you have all the support and security you need during this terrible time. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering if I am dealing with a sex-addict.

I started dating a woman almost two months ago and immediately hit it off. Despite me telling her I should get home since it was a Sunday night she was almost insistent that I come over to her place for a while. We didn't have sex but did some pretty intense making out and she eventually finished me off with her hand.

After that night I told her that I wanted to hold off on sex in order for us to better get to know each other on a level outside of that. She agreed but everytime we were together things kept getting pushed further and further. To the point where she told me we couldn't meet anywhere private anymore because the temptation was too much.

Well after about 4 weeks she tells me that she is just not ready to settle down and wants to see someone else. I was hurt because I thought we were heading down the path to a relationship but told her to go ahead. Well, on Monday I found out that she was with 2 guys that weekend. One just hours after getting off the phone with me and the other she drove 4 hours the next day to have sex with. By mid-week she was completely remorseful and told me how sorry she was for hurting me and that she didn't want to lose me and hoped I would give her another chance.

For some reason I did and we ended up having an amazing week together. (including sex) She kept telling me how amazing I was and how I was the best she has ever had, etc. Obviously (having my own issues) I was on cloud 9. Then mid-week she pulls the rug out again and says she is sorry but she is just not ready to settle down and still wants to see other people. I was crushed! But, I also knew there was no talking her out of it.

Well, I just found out this morning that she was with 2 more men over the weekend. She didn't want to tell me at first but I eventually got the truth out of her. She said she feels very unstable and overwhelmed right now and just wants some space so she can self-reflect. I told her I would give her all the space she needs.

I don't know why but I still really care about this woman and am heartbroken by what has happened. Is it possible I am dealing with a sex addict here and need to walk away for good?


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ready to run, I don't know. Maybe she is. That kind of self-destructive behavior is definitely a symptom of a bigger problem.

But what I do know is you should really not get involved with someone with so little self-control. It is not your job to try to help this woman, she hasn't exactly shown you care and respect. Also, please get tested for STD's... Even if you used a condom, that may not have been enough.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation... And I hope someone more seasoned can help answer the original question of whether she is a SA.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, NEM. I'm also starting to wonder if I don't have some co-dependency issues as this is the second relationship in 15 months where I have been treated this way and it is excruciatingly difficult for me to leave them despite how poorly I get treated.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
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