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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, NEM. I'm also starting to wonder if I don't have some co-dependency issues as this is the second relationship in 15 months where I have been treated this way and it is excruciatingly difficult for me to leave them despite how poorly I get treated.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 715 | Registered: Sep 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((34))))))
I'm so sorry.

RTR, behavior like what you describe is common for SA. Even if she's not SA, she's got serious problems and is putting her health at risk by sleeping with lots of men. Your health is now at risk, too. You need to stay far, far away from this woman. She's already shown you what she's capable of, you're going to get nothing to but hurt from her. SA's cannot be kept faithful by amazing sex or love. Nothing keeps them faithful.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8751 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RTR)))

Thanks, NEM. I'm also starting to wonder if I don't have some co-dependency issues as this is the second relationship in 15 months where I have been treated this way and it is excruciatingly difficult for me to leave them despite how poorly I get treated.

You are probably right. Maybe not codep, who knows, but definitely you need to find out why you pick people that would treat you that way, why you let them, and why you find it hard to leave. Maybe it's just you subconsciously trying to fix a past relationship that was unfixable with someone else, maybe you feel the need to "save" people, maybe you don't feel worthy of someone who treats you like you should be treated. Me, I have been taught that what I want and need don't matter and that I can fix anything by my FOO. Who knows what your driving issues are. But you need an IC to find out so you can address this and keep from making the same mistakes.

RTR, behavior like what you describe is common for SA. Even if she's not SA, she's got serious problems and is putting her health at risk by sleeping with lots of men. Your health is now at risk, too. You need to stay far, far away from this woman. She's already shown you what she's capable of, you're going to get nothing to but hurt from her.

Yes. This. Given what you have been through previously, WHY would you choose someone that puts you so much risk and pain, when you don't really have much of a history with her at all? Another thing to address in IC.

And another nugget to consider - when you consort (knowingly or not) with people that do have many sexual encounters with many strangers or people they hardly know, even if they are not necessarily psycho, the people they have sex with often are. Then crazytown goes after you. Or your children. I just wouldn't take that risk with someone I just met.

Hugs. I'm not trying to be harsh. We are all "guilty" of these things ourselves to some degree. It's not fair and you deserve much better.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ready to run - I concur with the others. Stay away from this woman and figure out why you are getting involved with them. Personally, I like CODA. They have some good literature and information.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any more news from 34? Certainly hope she is ok. 34 - Sending you love and prayers!

[This message edited by Missymomma at 5:30 PM, November 19th (Monday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((34years)))

So sorry to hear what happened to you. Hope you are doing okay.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{ 34 }}}}}

I hope you are doing okay. I hope you have someone with you to help take care of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Aug 2010
34years
♀ New Member
Member # 37477
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the hugs, I appreciate them very much.

I went to my family doctor today and have an appt to see a neurologist. I'm still getting around in a wheelchair but can walk a little. I'm so grateful, when the injury occurred the pain was so bad and I could not move and I was terrified I'd end up a paraplegic.

My family are being very supportive, and the Rape Advocacy people are full of resources. I saw a divorce lawyer today, but with H in custody and facing such serious charges, he advised waiting to file while other things are settled.

The policeman who has the case (my hero) thinks that H's PD will urge him to plead,as there is such a strong case against him, which will spare me much anguish.

I truly am grateful that I am alive and surrounded by family and have a beautiful life ahead of me. I'm sure the shock will wear off and lots of sadness and anger will come, but I am willing to go through all this in order to lead a life free of the SA and everything that came with it.

[This message edited by 34years at 8:29 PM, November 19th (Monday)]


Me: 55 YO BS
Him 54 YO WH
M: 34 years
pros, strippers, strangers, Craigslist personals, affair
D-Day: 10-31-12
He is in custody for raping me and fracturing my back
4 grown children

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Oregon
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for checking in. I've been thinking about you all day. I'm so sick that this happened to you.

Please know that as awful as the feelings are, you can get through them, and it's sooooo much better on the other side of them. I'm not whole yet, but I'm so much happier to have X out of my life.

Please let your family and friends and the advocates continue to take good care of you!


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Aug 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((34years)))
Thank you for checking in. I am praying hard for you and your recovery - and for your beautiful future. That's what everyone here deserves.
-Hope


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for posting. So glad there are people around to care for you in this very trying time! (((hugs)))


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for updating us, 34. (((HUGS)))) Do you have people who are helping you around the house and such?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8751 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
34years
♀ New Member
Member # 37477
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I am staying with a son, and my other children and their spouses are taking excellent care of me.


Me: 55 YO BS
Him 54 YO WH
M: 34 years
pros, strippers, strangers, Craigslist personals, affair
D-Day: 10-31-12
He is in custody for raping me and fracturing my back
4 grown children

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Oregon
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((34yrs)))

Ready_to_Run: I think if you're noticing that you're getting screwed over, and it's hard for you to leave, then you definitely have some issues. Based on the little amount of information, I can't just say if it's codependency, but something is there. I would suggest that you break up with this woman ASAP, and go to IC, to at least work on the trauma that being with two people who have pulled your feelings through the mud have caused.

Most of us on here are only still continuing to work with our spouses because we have been with them for a number of years. I can guarantee if any of us had been with our SAs under a year we would all RUN!! As I suggest you do as well.

I don't know if this woman is an SA, but I do know she's fucked up. If she's not an SA, then she has daddy issues and is looking for love in the wrong places, or maybe she is bipolar and in a manic state, maybe she's on drugs, maybe she has no self-esteem, maybe all of them, who knows! The point is you don't want to spend any more time picking up after that train wreck.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the replies and words of encouragment. I talked to her yesterday and she admitted that she has a problem. BUT...and this is a big BUT. She thinks she can manage it herself by just taking a break from all men for a while. For those who didn't read my original post she was with 5 different guys in 2 weeks.

I strongly encouraged her to at least go talk to a counselor. But, she said she wasn't going to do that and again reiterated that she can manage this on her own.

So, we said good bye and now I am in full NC mode as there really isn't any more I can do for her and I know I need to protect myself and learn from this and learn how to seek relationships with healthy, emotionally available women. I feel sad all around though.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 715 | Registered: Sep 2008
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ready_to_Run))

Good for you. Of course you're sad. It's hard not to feel sorry for the loss of a potential relationship or not to feel sad for a person who is obviously damaging themselves. But just remember, you can't save her. You did the right thing by breaking it off. If she truly wants to get help, she will seek it herself.

Now back to you. Go to the doc and get STD tested like the others suggested. And I still recommend counseling for you, just to get you back on your emotional feet, and to focus on the type of women you'd really like to spend your life with.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this woman is an SA, but I do know she's fucked up. If she's not an SA, then she has daddy issues and is looking for love in the wrong places, or maybe she is bipolar and in a manic state, maybe she's on drugs, maybe she has no self-esteem, maybe all of them, who knows! The point is you don't want to spend any more time picking up after that train wreck.

I think you right on pretty much all of these and as for drugs, her drug of choice is men. She told me that she just can't resist the temptation to experience the excitement and high of hooking up with a new guy when the opportunity is there. We had a date planned and she canceled to meet a guy she met online 2 days earlier.

This is something she thinks she can fix by going off dating sites. But, you are all correct. I cannot fix her and I need to quit trying. That is my issue and I have scheduled an IC appointment to figure this out. Thank you all again.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 715 | Registered: Sep 2008
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you right on pretty much all of these and as for drugs, her drug of choice is men. She told me that she just can't resist the temptation to experience the excitement and high of hooking up with a new guy when the opportunity is there.

Well. That's just disgusting.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just in a really bad place today, still. Can't take much more of this. For some reason this incident seems to be the straw for me. I am not willing to put any more effort or love towards my WHSA. I am really interested in finding out more about in-house separation. I need a break from him. To be able to concentrate on me and the kids.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

34,

I am so happy to hear that your family is there supporting you and taking care of you. You will be in my thoughts. Please continue to take care of yourself.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
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