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Topic: Just starting out here (very long)
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nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 |  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 |     |
Beenthere, that is brilliant! I have in fact just start a hobby again after many years. I can see that I am going to need LOT of advice.
Wondering - I appreciate your thoughts but I know I need more concrete evidence. He has already gaslighted me once. Fool me once...... I need this for me. Also our two grown DSs. If their world ends up getting shaken to the core by what this man who they love and respect has done, I better be 100% sure.
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528 | | Posted: 12:57 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
(((Nightsky)))
Don't think you are crazy for one
second ... Ever!!! I know that every betrayed spouse goes through the shock and denial for sometime.
I do think that for us that have been
Married for soo many years, had a
Super close relationship , we had each other on a pedestal and my H
ALWAYS would give advice against infidelity to anyone. It angered him, it disgusted him. He was the most caring loving and protective husband to me. After 20+ yrs he had an A with another MOW that he casually met at the gym. Within 2-3 months he did it. He betrayed me in the most excruciating painful way. I was in shock for a long time. I truly wanted to believe that he hadn't slept with her. My pain would only take me as far as an emotional A. In fact he confessed finally but would not admit it was ever sexual. I was hurt beyond belief. But truly hopeful it was not physical. Well after months I had the ugly horrible truth. I thought my heart had been stomped on before??? Well this almost took my life, I lost 40 lbs in 6-8 weeks, my hair fell out in chunks. I didn't sleep and basically prayed for death.
Don't WAIT to find more proof. He WILL GASLIGHT and sooner or later the sweet man that was your husband will become angry because you snooped , because you don't trust him after he was being "honest with you " he cannot have both worlds. You have to remember that most WS will deny even with 100% evidence !!! You could have video, audio and he will twist things in such a way that will make you want to crash your car into your house.
I know how bad the shakes are. I would get a "shaking attack" i would get that way when this 6th sense horrible gut feeling would come over me. I felt things when they were happening , I felt things, it was the closest to hell that I have ever been.
Gather your strength, point out every single thing that you know and NO it's not ok to email these sluts, chatting and probably actual sex. Don't doubt that it's happened. You can do this. Be ready to throw him out . He can tell the whole world that you threw him out over innocent chatting. You know the truth. And please don't do what I did :(. Lay in a dark bedroom for almost 2 months straight. Not even wanting to brush my hair, I wanted death.
Trust me we understand you and we know just how much this hurts. As for me I was in false R and threw him out again, garbage bags with his clothes, his dog also went with him. It was nasty. But he needed to see the reality and not the fantasy he was living. I say God sent him angels(complete strangers) signs. He woke up, slowly went from regret to full blown remorse and is working hard and is once again putting me first in our relationship.
Sorry for babbling but I feel your pain in your words.
((hugs))
ME-43
WH-44
Married 23
2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
In R
Posts: 506 | Registered: Jun 2011 | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:14 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
I am having a few moments of calm. I think my churning brain might let me get a out a few coherent thoughts.
I wanted to say thank you for your comments, support and guidance. It means so much and I need it so badly.
Apparently my super-actress mask did the trick. WH offered up the password no problem. I will fire up the netbook and see what I can see. Or if I can't find any traces, try and figure out what I'm up against. I also realized I should try and see when he downloaded the hotel app. The app store sends a confirming email.
I have checked the cell phone log. Nothing on voice or text that is suspicious. However, I checked the data. Data was recorded at least once an hour last night - the night he spent in his chair. There is also data all night on the weekends. But nothing on other week nights. Very weird. I don't know if it is some app hitting his phone, or if it is something else - like incoming emails?
He was very busy on his computer tonight. Stopped typing right at 9:00. The meter must have run out with his slut. 
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984 | | Posted: 8:19 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Cant help but think that (giving his password) means he thinks he has hidden things very steathily.
Please do what I regret not doing sooner..... install a keylogger, tonight if possible. Relytec has a great reputation (I have it now but he doesnt use that computer much) and it shows stillshots of the websites he browses, chats, keystrokes, everything, even if its in private. The best thing is they give at least a one week free trial without having to sign up for anything!
Sending hugs and thinking of you.
BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."
Posts: 1249 | Registered: Aug 2011 | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:31 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Driving, thanks you so much. I will check it out.
I am going to look around on the netbook tomorrow morning. I don't know why, but I get incredibly paranoid that he is going to be able to tell. So, what's the down side if he does? He confronts me and I confront him RIGHT BACK!!!
Anyway, I have a golden opportunity. I will have complete, uninterrupted access in a few days. If I can identify this "gateway" program I am worried about, I can investigate key loggers that will hopefully work around it.
Then I will really have to brace myself. [This message edited by nightsky at 8:34 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984 | | Posted: 8:33 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
pm'ing you :)
BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."
Posts: 1249 | Registered: Aug 2011 | girlie114
♀ Member
Member # 34127 | | Posted: 8:52 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
(((nightsky)))
Through all of this crap....please try to remember to drink water/fluids and something small to eat..crackers/smoothie....I know that is the last thing on your mind, but your body needs it to keep you going. You don't need to collapse like I did and have to be rushed to the ER. I'll be thinking and praying for you.
Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: girlie114 | squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015 | | Posted: 9:03 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
It's just so hideously disrespectful that he types to his sluts in front of you. I'm so sorry. It sounds like he's in pretty deep with his double life.
You've gotten good advice. I would gather all your evidence and store it somewhere safe.
Also, when he's asleep, go through his wallet. You'd be amazed what you can find -- credit cards you don't know about, phone numbers. It's easier than internet sleuthing IMO.
Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.
Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 5:51 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Girlie, thank you for your thoughts. Down 4 pounds in two days. Yup, I know I am going to have to be careful and I am drinking, but food is much more difficult. How awful for you that this ordeal took such a dramatic toll on your physical well being. The emotional and mental devastation is traumatic enough, but what you experienced truly is adding injury to insult.
Squiffle, I agree. I almost feel I don't have the right posting here. There has been no physical contact (yet) that I am aware of. I'll admit I have to catch myself from trying to minimize the scope of this betrayal because it is only online.
But I have never questioned my trust and utter devotion to this man in 35 years. I thought I was receiving the same. To me, this is a betrayal to my very core. You are right, it is the disrespect. If he respected me and loved me, he could never put these ISSs in his life to the level that he has.
And this is where I hear all you wonderful SI people say - this isn't about me - he is broken. I know. I am beginning to know.
Caregiver said he is a brain eating alien in my WH's body. She is absolutely right. I am amazed at how seamlessly the two fit together. But then, my gut has been screaming for months, so I must have been seeing glimpses of the alien all along.
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908 | | Posted: 7:51 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Denial is a bit** as they say. Was there for a good 2-3 mos before I confronted. Many of us can give you the tools to snoop but what really matters is what you will do when you find what you find?
So many think it ends with confrontation and your evidence, like they will snap out of it when D Day happens....unfortunately this rarely happens. So that is why we tell you to be prepared, get your ducks in a row, find out about all of your finances, make sure you have money set aside for yourself, get a back up plan in place.
Cuz many times when they are this far along they won't stop...and you may find out much more that you don't know, like actual sex hookups for years, money going out the window to support his "sex" habit...so what are you going to do when you find this out??
Thats why we say take your time, don't confront until you have what you need in front of you and know what you want to do. So many of us wish we did not confront right away...be smart.
Posts: 5232 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida | painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 8:06 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Keep a journal, document everything! Do you how much money he has spent on this nonsense? Document.
I agree that you need to keep digging, and do NOT confront until you have all the proof you might ever need in case of D.
Have you spoken to a lawyer to find out what your rights are? Please do this before confronting!!!
I am so sorry. Please prepare yourself. Many times we discover that things are much MUCH worse than we ever imagined. That may not be the case in your situation, but you must conduct your fact finding as if it is. Blowing this wide open before you have all the proof you need could be a HUGE mistake. How often does he leave the house alone? I would put a GPS on the car, and a VAR in the car.
Again, I am sorry you find yourself in our little club of pain and heartache.
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:46 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Update - got on the netbook this morning. That thing is clean as a whistle! No history, no bookmarks, no searches, no emails, no passwords, no nothing. But, I now know what the “gateway” website (program?) is. I almost feel guilty speaking of my WH so negatively (whack, I can feel your 2x4s), but this man in not THAT computer savvy. WH has had help, whether it is his ISSs or the person(s) that first turn him on to all of this (sick pun in there).
Now the bad part. I snuck a look at WH phone this morning (where I can access his gmail). Lie #1 exposed - this has been going on for TWO YEARS, not the 8 months he tried to TT me with. WH seems to have broken up (again) with his ISS-1 last night. She hurt his feelings. WH wants her to have feelings for him. WH made reference to some “special place,” they even had a name for it. Sounds like WH created some fantasy land within his fantasy land for him and his ISS. How special.
We shall see. She replied that she didn’t mean it. That it was difficult for her being with WH in the beginning when he was a jerk but now he is a great man. Yeah, but she did it anyway! She said she will be doing this for several more years because she is in school and only doing it to pay the bills.
I want to load the key logger tomorrow. I want hard evidence and I have the perfect opportunity to install and test. I am praying this gateway can’t detect the KL. The only purpose of this gateway is access to porn (I think). I’m worried that whatever this is it has detection ability built in.
Reality and PPGA (and everyone else who has previously advised), thank you. I needed to hear that again. I will start to document and store in a safe location. I was in the middle of writing about how I was going to confront if forced to by discovery of KL. Got myself all fired up! You are right, finding this evidence is only the very FIRST step. Now it needs to be about me. WH has no comprehension of the damage he has done - to himself, to me or our marriage.
Am I allowed to say what the gateway website/program is? Maybe someone else has dealt with it? WH referenced the forum they used to chat. Can I name that as well?
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | newlyblue
♂ Member
Member # 22699 | | Posted: 9:17 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
There has been no physical contact (yet) that I am aware of. I'll admit I have to catch myself from trying to minimize the scope of this betrayal because it is only online.
PLEASE be extra vigilent about this. My XWW said the same thing about an "inappropriate online relationship" while we were in R. Said they'd never even met. Made that a big distinction versus the prior other PA's. And, guess what? Turned out it HAD been physical. They'd hooked up in Vegas while she SAID she was visiting a friend in Oregon. She'd even "forwarded" the e-ticket from the airline for the flight from OR, then phoned me EVERY NIGHT "from Oregon." I never suspected a thing. Oh, and they also hooked up on our town when he flew here. Again, I had no idea.
It doesn't take a lot of time to hook up. And very few grown-ups (especially men) invest huge amounts of time and energy into romantic relationships that don't involve sex. A HUGE percentage of the relationships that WS's initially say are NOT physical turn out to be just that. Your H could be the exception, but I seriously doubt it.
So sorry you are having to deal with this. Stay strong and stay in touch.
((((((nightsky))))))
“You have to die a few times before you can really live." (Charles Bukowski)
Posts: 418 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Texas | Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782 | | Posted: 3:18 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Nightsky – I wonder if ISS-1 knows enough to make sure there is no mention of PA in their online conversations. It sounds like WH is on to your PI skills and is covering his tracks. I am not sure you will find anything that indicates a PA in their conversations. I believe they are smart enough to not talk about a sexual relationship. Have you find any unusual charges on your bank or credit card statements? Any hotel charges? My WH opened another charge card and paid for it from other funds I did not have access to. So do not be surprised if there is a secret credit card. You need to try to follow the money. Is your WH self-employed or doesn’t have a set paycheck? It is amazing how they find ways to hide money. I think most WS only confess when they can’t lie about the evidence – in my case I found a I miss fucking you text – or they know someone is about to tell you. Sounds like you know to prepare yourself for the lies and blame shifting when you finally do confront him with what you know. Good luck with your search for the truth.
Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15
Gotta love the life that we livin'
Posts: 244 | Registered: Feb 2012 | DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984 | | Posted: 4:38 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
I had a bad feeling that he had deleted things before giving you that password.
Is there any chance their "Secret place" is a code word for a real place?
I agree with what others said... and to investigate the money trail.
I also suggest installing the keylogger and then act SUPER innocent to him(if you can stomach this) like you fell for the whole thing and you no longer suspect him. Maybe even that you are sorry for being suspicious. Then be sure to LEAVE THE HOUSE often. I bet that keylogger will show you a bunch.
btw, was there any other evidence in his gmail? 2 years sounds pretty deep into it :(
BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."
Posts: 1249 | Registered: Aug 2011 | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 5:34 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
I realize I MUST install a key logger. That is the only way I will get any truth, know what I am dealing with and how bad this betrayal really is. Just hope I don’t get caught. If I do, I know he will lie to me. He is lying to himself.
Just started a new thread “WH told her he has problems with fantasy vs. reality.” Yup, he thinks of her as a real person in his real life. Where does that leave me – his real wife? Or am I just a stand-in? Many of us have the agony of wondering who they are thinking of when we make love together. I now have to wonder who he is thinking of during every aspect of my life. Who did WH take on vacation last month? Who did WH buy Christmas presents for? Who bought him birthday presents and baked his cake? And on and on.
This morning I was ready to go into full battle mode if WH discovers the key logger and confronts me. Thank goodness the very wise veterans here talked me down and reminded me to get my ducks in a row. So jjct and everyone else:
Quack – keylogger tomorrow, install and test (fingers crossed it goes undetected)
Quack – I know deep in my gut the keylogger is going to hit paydirt, and it’s going to be very, very ugly
Quack – look for money trail, USB sticks (thought of this one today), passwords to accounts I will need
Quack – toss his office, car, basement, hobby bag as soon as possible
Quack – Get documents in order and find a lawyer for a consultation
Quack – IC for me for sure
Quack – God, I hope I don’t need this, but STD testing
Four days since D-Day. F**k my life!!!
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | newlyblue
♂ Member
Member # 22699 | | Posted: 5:43 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Quack! Quack! Quack!
Your ability to keep it together in the face of such craptacular circumstances is impressive. To keep it up, take care of yourself. Get enough sleep (one word: Ambien) and eat regularly, whether you feel like it or not (liquid "Ensure" stays down when nothing else will). And pace yourself. Breathe. This is a marathon, not a dash.
Get that IC--like the duck said. Also remember: You have a "flock" of supporters here on SI.
“You have to die a few times before you can really live." (Charles Bukowski)
Posts: 418 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Texas | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 5:43 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Driving, that is what I find so puzzling. My WH is just not that computer savvy. He is being coached!
This is bread and butter to these ISSs. They are going to make sure the money keeps rolling in. How dare the BS interrupt the gravy train! This is my guess anyway. That or the person who introduced WH to this initially is helping him out. Heck, these desperate, pitiful men probably help each other out. One big happy social forum, remember?
ISS-1 is from a country formerly know by F.O.U.R. letters.  Don't know if I'm allowed to say. I don't expect this break up to last any longer than the first one.
If there is something deeper, darker and more dense than "the fog," it seems my WH has discovered it. Lucky me. [This message edited by nightsky at 5:43 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:12 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
So based on what I read in the email this morning. I don't think I need to worry about minimizing this anymore.
He is very careful with his wording, but I believe my WH truly believes himself in love with ISS-1. 
I keep saying "deeply emotionally connected." This is an affair. [This message edited by nightsky at 8:13 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015 | | Posted: 8:17 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
((Hugs)))
Do you know the expression -- the truth will set you free -- but first it will piss you off?
The truth is horrible. It sounds like your WH is hooking up with these ISS and is emotionally connected too. Please protect yourself -- emotionally, financially, legally, physically (STD testing).
But when you really know what you are dealing with, THEN you can grapple with it and make a plan for yourself. It's worse to live in the dark, or create darkness with denial or minimizing.
We've lived it here, and we'll walk through it with you. I'm sorry he's such a disrespectful, horrible ass.
Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.
Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west | | Topic Posts: 89 | |
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