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Topic: Just starting out here (very long)
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painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 |  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 |     |
Sweetie, please let someone IRL know what you are trying to uncover. Sometimes things can get out of control when men are exposed like this....sometimes bad things happen.
I am guessing you are referring to Russia. The Russian mob is deeply into Internet sex sites. Your H may be WAY way in over his head on this.... something about what you are describing as far as him not having been computer savvy previously, and now, suddenly he's an expert, scares me. Hell, for all you know, he's not even talking to a woman, but instead some guy that is trying to get money out of him.
This whole thing is creepy. I would seriously talk to a PI.
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 6027 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 9:55 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Oh my God, PPGA!. My brain froze solid when I read your post. Never in a million years would I have ever considered that. But it makes so much sense, doesn't it.
This definitely makes getting financial info all the more urgent.
That bastard! Just what has he brought into my life.
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | sammie
♀ Member
Member # 7785 | | Posted: 5:34 AM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012 | |
I responded to your other thread and then read this one.
Yep PPGA is right. He is in over his head. He is probably talking to a big, greasy Russian man with hair coming out his ears and nose.
PLEASE tell someone IRL what is going on. He might be *coached* to do something bad to get more money. (arson etc)
More hugs.
If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway
Posts: 5793 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia | painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 2:21 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012 | |
((((nightsky))))
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 6027 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South | caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622 | | Posted: 2:50 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012 | |
(((nightsky)))
I remember the days of discovery. The remnants of optimism when you know it is bad but not HOW bad and the optimism keeps you fueled and energized dealing with the hits as they come.
Be prepared. For me the optimism died a terrible progressive death as the worst it could be slipped into the worst I never ever imagined or knew was possible. The moments of shock where things suggested seemed not just possible but probable and HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN drowned the optimism...
This is where the concern for YOU comes in. Make sure you are in the habit of nibbling and taking in water. Make sure you have real life connections who will come into your home and find you in the dark if you get "stuck" and need somebody.
Talk to us here. No matter how you feel or what you say or what you imagine or fantasize for revenge or think in hurt and anger... someone here has been there done that.
SI literally saved my life and my sanity.
Me: 42, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012
Posts: 4048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 4:26 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012 | |
Thanks everyone. Just thought I'd update. I've said before that I lurked for months. Thank goodness I did. Every single thing I read is now happening in my life. If I hadn't lurked and been somewhat familiar with all this insanity and devastation, I know I wouldn't have the mental or physical ability to take it in.
Anyway, I am now 5 days in and 16 hours past a truly horrible discovery. No minimizing or denying for me anymore. My problem is ACCEPTING that this is my new reality. I am going 100 miles an hour but I am still having trouble taking it in.
So, met with a divorce lawyer. Really liked him. I told him all about SI. Several times he would say something and I would say, "well on SI they say...." Told him it was an amazing place of support, caring and resources.
Tomorrow a few more important tasks to cross off the list. As I sat with the lawyer, in my head I was thinking, well on SI they say not to make any decisions for at least six months. See, I take you with me everywhere I go. I no longer think I have the luxury of that kind of time.
I am still playing super-actress. WH has no idea that I suspect anything at all. I think. For some reason I think I have to get everything perfectly aligned before I confront. I'm a control-freak. Well, everything else in my life has just spun out of my control, so why shouldn't I want to hold onto as much control as I can.
I was thinking this morning that I have been blithely (blindly) living my life. My WH wrapped my life in his lie. That lie has now been stripped away. Now I need to find the nightsky that is left behind.
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 4:31 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012 | |
Oh, one funny thing with the lawyer. Very nice, compassionate older man. I was very careful with language referring to the ISSs.
But at the end I slipped and called them internet WHORES. He chuckled, and I told him, well that's what they are!
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015 | | Posted: 4:40 PM, June 21st (Thursday), 2012 | |
Nightsky, you are TOTALLY DOING THE RIGHT THING by lawyering up.
The 6 month "rule" is when you have a remorseful spouse not actively in the affair.
You don't have that. Please protect yourself.
Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.
Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:11 AM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012 | |
Just popping in quickly to say good morning and to wrap myself up in your support as I start my day.
I actually had to sign off early last night. As much as there is NO WAY I could be doing any of this without the knowledge I have gained from SI, and more importantly your support, I needed a break. I needed some "normal." Besides, it was finally starting to kick in that I had only managed three hours of sleep the night before. So, I went to bed early to read. I had to focus to keep my attention on the book - it kept skittering to, OK look for the 1040s, find the bank statements, open the PO box.....
Went to read and popped a Tylenol PM. Left with WH with his ISS. I caught a glimpse last night for the first time, he didn't bail fast enough. There she was, posing on a bed in some shear something.
Wish me luck, I'm going to see if the keylogger worked. Shakes are back. [This message edited by nightsky at 8:17 AM, June 22nd (Friday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 12:59 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012 | |
Glad you got some sleep last night.
((((nightsky))))
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 6027 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 4:01 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012 | |
Sorry to be MIA. I have been moving VERY quickly in order to get my ducks in a row for my protection. I feel that confrontation is required this weekend. I can't allow any more money to be spent on what is clearly WH addiction.
Besides, why wait. I know enough. I'm hoping I can hold onto my composure (have NO idea how) and I will not give up any more information than I want. I will just keep saying, "I know about.... I know about.... It doesn't matter how I know, I know about...."
I have drawn up my list of requirements. I'm hoping they are not so harsh that he will not consider doing what is necessary to stay in our 33 year marriage. But these ARE my requirements.
In the last 24 hours I have consulted a divorce attorney, opened a secret mail box, opened a secret bank account, photocopied the beginning of important documents and made arrangements with a friend to hide them.
Six days ago I was in complete ignorance of WH secret life. 48 hours ago the door was blown wide open.
He has no idea that I know.
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377 | | Posted: 4:16 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2012 | |
Good for you, Nightsky! Please remember to check in over the weekend so we know you are ok. Stay strong!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: Oct 2008 | NowWhat106
♀ Member
Member # 35497 | | Posted: 12:57 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
You are amazing! Faced with the worst, you have found immense strength and resourcefulness. You should take a moment to realize that because you'll have moments when you feel like you're in a puddle again.
Stay strong. We're all with you. I hope you feel as proud of yourself as I feel reading about how you've handled yourself.
Hugs for strength in what's ahead. Keep us posted.
Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
Status: We'll see.
Posts: 240 | Registered: May 2012 | self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059 | | Posted: 7:33 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
NS - Hope you feel the care and support that is flowing to you from you SI friends.
You will never regret your pro-active approach.
You have been a student of the ways of a cheater and it will serve you well. Because, it is harshly true, there is a cheater's profile. Your understanding of this nature is good.
Please, please let us know how you are doing.
BW 51
WH 54
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce final 3-13-13
The idea of redemption is always good news, even if it means sacrifice or some difficult times.
~ Patti Smith
Posts: 385 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 7:44 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
Morning All. If I am strong, it is because I am drawing that strength from you. If I am resourceful it is because you are helping and guiding me each step of the way. Without you I would be even more lost than my poor, sick WH.
I am off to make more copies and I bought a VAR. I think the confrontation should/will be today. I will keep VAR in my pocket. I'm thinking this gives up today and tomorrow. Going to need all the time possible before going back to work on Monday morning.
Time to put all your wisdom into action. I am trembling just thinking about it, but I know I will be repeating in my head - "don't reveal your sources, don't let him gaslight, stay strong, do not falter on your requirements...."
Thank you SI and wish me luck. I don't know when I will be able to check back in but I will definitely let you know how it goes. I hope I can pull this off. But then, what choice did WH give me.
nightsky
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622 | | Posted: 7:49 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
Sending strength and hopes for the peace that comes with knowledge. Cheering you on, nightsky!
Me: 42, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012
Posts: 4048 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place | reelingbuthealin
♀ Member
Member # 22025 | | Posted: 9:27 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
You sound like one of the strongest people I've ever met (not met) but I'm hoping that strength is strong within you this weekend and keeps your convictions intact. God Speed. You are inspirational.
I don't hold grudges, I just have a great memory!
Behind every woman who trusts no one, is a man who taught her to be that way!
Posts: 833 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: No mans land | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:52 AM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Good morning SI. I wanted to post and let you know how the big confrontation went down yesterday afternoon. This is going to be VERY long, but I wanted tell you how I implemented your advice and guidance. First, I need to thank everyone who has reached out to support and help me, particularly those special people who have PM’d me. I couldn’t have done this without you.
If you can say about any of this pain and destruction “it went well,” our confrontation and discussion went well. I told him I knew about his secret life and the money he had been spending. I asked him how much $$. He said XX. Really? OK, maybe XX. I told him I KNOW it is XX. He said no way! I say YES.
He then immediately went and got the secret file (that I had photocopied that morning, hah, take that WH) of the cc bills he had been hiding (for years, boy do I feel dumb). I went and got a calculator. He spread the file open and handed me the first bill. By bill #2, we were at his second figure of XX. He got pale and quiet. He handed me the next bill and I kept adding. A few more bills in, and WH looked sick. He didn’t say another word, just kept handing me bills with his shaking hands. Welcome to our new marriage WH.
After a few minutes of discussion and him realizing that his secret fantasy life had crumbled to his feet, I pulled out a sheet of paper titled Requirements for our Marriage. I told him to take his time and read it over.
Many hours of discussion followed, but he immediately said he would do anything and give me everything on my list to save our marriage. Often times the discussion followed the very typical WH script, but he never ducked full responsibility for what he had done. He said over and over that it was indefensible.
I told him he has shattered my trust and that this is a betrayal that has cut me to the core and deeply wounded me. I saw my WH cringe and shudder every time I shared my pain with him. I told him of the physical and emotional toll this has taken on me for the past week and his eyes filled with tears. I told him that I would also be seeking IC to help me with the trauma he has created in my life and I saw it hit him like a physical blow.
I’m glad I was as prepared as possible for the discussion. Confrontation is a truly grueling experience. I tried to remain calm and focused. I kept my goal firmly planted in the front of my mind. Get the truth and save our marriage.
TT, well I already knew WAY more than he expected (I know I am prepared for more), so I kept pushing. Only a little bit of blameshifting – nope, not going to happen. He dropped that one pretty quickly.
There was a ton of minimizing. He still feels this was just a game, a fantasy that he indulged in for fun. I told him one thing he needs to figure out in counseling is what kind of “void” he has in his life that made him try and fill it with this kind of behavior. He agreed. I told him I thought he had a sickness. He agreed. I told him that this behavior has taken up an incredible amount of time and energy in his life and he agreed. I told him I felt his behavior and the way he conducted himself in his fantasy life has bled over into his behavior in real life. He agreed this might be true.
I had felt his disconnect and distance. I had repeatedly asked him for small gestures to show me that I was in his thoughts. I told him I felt his time, thoughts and mental energy were consumed by his secret life. He repeated that what he had done was indefensible.
There were many times during our discussion when we would reach an impasse. I would hold up my list of requirements and say, this is now our marriage. He wasn’t trying to duck and cover, but he needed to know that this is the new reality that he has created by his actions.
He desperately wants to know how I found out and what my sources are. He thinks I have been coached and sought outside help (I didn’t tell him I have already been to see a lawyer and he knows nothing about SI). He wants to know if I have told anyone. He wants to know what steps I have taken to protect myself. My response each and every time – At this point I see no reason to answer any of your questions. He agrees and sees the truth in this.
He is still vehemently denying any conduct or physical contact “in real life” that can be considered a betrayal of our marriage. I am standing firm on the STD testing for both of us. Hours into the discussion and after a bit of the shock and awe was beginning to wear off, I think he feels deeply offended by this requirement. Too bad. (He later called my list of requirements heinous but cannot/did not deny its necessity.) I held up the list and told him he has destroyed my trust and broken my heart. “Really, you can’t do this one thing?” He agreed to the testing.
Obviously, there is tons more but I just can pull it out of my brain right now. I was advised to have a VAR in my pocket (thank you!) because the discussion would be emotional and difficult to remember. Absolutely true. I will need to review the VAR over and over again I’m sure. I did take all the recommended precautions for my safety, but they were unnecessary. I truly believed this would be the case, but I also had no idea how WH was going to react. I will say I have NEVER, not once in 35 years, been afraid for my safety in any way. But I will always seek to be SAFE rather than sorry.
In retrospect, did I jump the gun with all my preparations? Absolutely not. Yes, I am thankful that WH has immediately taken responsibility and has apologized to me over and over again. He looks like a broken, battered man. I got the snotty tears this morning. It is hard for me not to apologize to HIM for what he is feeling. Co-dependency is a new concept for me (that I learned about here on SI) and I can see that I have more education in store. But WH did tell me he realizes this is about doing what is necessary to make me feel safe. His words, freely given.
After many hours he told me he thought I was handling this amazing well. I asked him what he meant. He said I was not yelling, screaming, throwing things – I was just calmly, but forcibly, addressing this painful new reality. I too felt it was important to acknowledge his response to this confrontation. I told him that I had no idea going in how he was going to react. I appreciated his immediate confession. He got the cc bills. We went through the online bank accounts. We opened his gmail and he had me read aloud the emails from the sluts. I used the words sluts throughout the entire confrontation.
So, this is our beginning. Am I hopeful, yes. But I know this is only 1 day in. This is our new marriage. Hopefully WH is willing to do the work, and continue to do it. I told him there is no quick fix, this is going to be a long, long process. I told him that if he had lied to me when I confronted him, his stuff would be in hefty bags in the driveway. If he does not immediately cease these activities, his stuff will be in bags in the driveway. If they contact him and he doesn’t tell me, his stuff is in the driveway. I told him that he knows me well enough after 35 years to know I am deadly serious.
Again, SI, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and caring.
nightsky
[This message edited by nightsky at 8:58 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard
Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2012 | self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059 | | Posted: 9:36 AM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012 | |
NS - thank you for the update.
You have got to be exhausted. Remember that you must take care of yourself. Although you have been awash in this nightmare for a bit, in many ways, the process is now just beginning and you must pace yourself.
Put yourself and your needs first. Take care of yourself and lean on us.
BW 51
WH 54
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce final 3-13-13
The idea of redemption is always good news, even if it means sacrifice or some difficult times.
~ Patti Smith
Posts: 385 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south | squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015 | | Posted: 12:52 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Hey, standing ovation! You have done an AWESOME job and have been incredibly brave, both in confronting your WH and in enforcing your boundaries. You are to be commended for not once letting him blame shift this mess to you.
I give your WH points for saying his actions are indefensible. However, I would also count on this long and varied slut activity to be physical. So, absolutely insist on that testing.
Affairs are like addictions. He didn't quit. You busted him. So his will to fix this is not going to be as great as if he had his come to Jesus moment on his own. It's GOOD that he fears exposure. Use that.
Fixing the M is hard, hard work. Escapism and As feel good. He needs this all to get real and stay real, so don't let off the pressure and keep enforcing those boundaries. You're doing a GREAT job.
I told him one thing he needs to figure out in counseling is what kind of “void” he has in his life that made him try and fill it with this kind of behavior.
Please be cautious of that approach. Don't go down the path of he's a poor sausage. He cheated and spent your money because he is SELFISH and ENTITLED. That is where it starts and ends. His problem is NOT that he isn't getting "enough" of something, that he has a "void." His problem is he is not GIVING enough. That he is a selfish bastard who would risk everything for his jollies. Don't EVER lose sight of that. Don't let HIM lose sight of that. WS tend to feel very sorry for themselves. Codependent BSs feed that. It's good to be compassionate, but keep it in perspective and don't get played.
You really have your act together and have navigated this nightmare brilliantly. (((Big hugs)))
Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.
Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west | | Topic Posts: 89 | |
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