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Topic: Just starting out here (very long)
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Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99 |  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012 |     |
NIghtsky,
I think you did a FABULOUS job with your confrontation. BRAVO!
I agree with everything Squiffle wrote (usually do!) - it's OK to "lead" him in the direction of doing the hard work to own his shit. BUT, it's also a fine line you'd be walking to falling into sharing some responsibility for that "void". He needs to own it. 100%. And then he needs to find out what is lacking IN HIMSELF that he needed this crap.
Be supportive - yes, but do not take the blame or try to co-depend yourself into filling that void. It's his.
"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies
Posts: 2177 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina |
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984 | | Posted: 3:27 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012 | |
((((Nightsky)))) you have done an awesome, awesome job. Im truly proud of you and your ability to keep a level head and be proactive in protecting yourself in every way - physically, emotionally, financially. And not letting him
Im glad your h has owned up to it. I hate to add a negativity to this, but be careful of trusting him due to his "remorseful" and "willing to do anything" response. Its quite common to get that initially.
I went back and read your initial post. Aftershave and losing weight is not for online activities. It just really makes me wonder what his next step into depravity was headed. kwim?
My h had a similar reaction to yours. I was calm. He was bawling and ashamed of himself, promising anything(and we were actually separated at the time and I didnt confront with any real proof). He 'admitted' to what he had done over the next couple days. Problem is it was all only half true. To him it was the truth except for the "details". My anger and rage came later. As soon as I found out he twisted the truth and continued for months.
Be prepared for the possibility of tt and what they call the rollercoaster of emotions. 
Its a good start, as far as it could be in this horrible situation. Thanks for keeping us posted.
BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."
Posts: 1249 | Registered: Aug 2011 |
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377 | | Posted: 5:43 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Fantastic job, Nightsky. I'm so glad he admitted it and is accepting responsibility.
I hope you are able to relax a little bit and recover from the stress of the last week.
Big hugs.
Posts: 1303 | Registered: Oct 2008 |
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 6:56 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2012 | |
Sorry to be so radio silent, especially to those who have taken the time to PM me and received no response. I am finding it impossible to post now that WH is now longer engrossed with his ISSs. He hasn’t even turned on his laptop since Saturday. I’m trying to post quickly before work. SI is my safe haven, I can’t tip my hand.
Wow Squiffle, you have no idea how timely your post is. I was really having a hard time watching WH struggle (with his shame?) on Sunday.
That being said, he started the day thrashing like a rabbit caught in a snare. He is totally obsessed about my “sources” and who is helping me with my plans and what steps I have taken. WH was really balking at putting his timeline into writing. He feels I am building a case to use against him. We talked as we ran some errands. I told him I was disappointed. That the day before he realized this was about making ME feel safe. I told him I was willing to be in this marriage and if I wasn’t this would already be over.
But, when we got home WH got my list of requirements and sat down at the computer and detailed the financial accounting. No more thrashing after that. Then he drew up a repayment schedule. Still quiet. He gave me a timeline. He sat with me and we went through all the finances. He was quiet all day.
But then at the end of the night WH came back to the STD testing. WH is basically furious that I am requiring this. He said some mean and hurtful things. As I laid awake in the middle of the night I started thinking.
WH IS making this about him. He is focused on the money aspect of this (I think that is where most of his shame comes in right now) and he is furious about the STD testing. Him, him, him. This is about ME – making me feel same in this new marriage after he destroyed my trust and created this mess. We agreed not to talk this morning before work. I told him I want to talk about things tonight.
My very first post here on SI, before I made my first concrete discovery, was about how I had told WH I was tired of living in “WH land.” That I was going to start spending time in the sovereign nation of Nightsky. And this was before DD. Boy, is this even more relevant and necessary now.
I was so focused on investigating and confrontation I didn’t have time to think about this part of the rollercoaster. It is not a journey of day by day, but hour by hour.
nightsky [This message edited by nightsky at 6:58 AM, June 25th (Monday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 |
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 7:43 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2012 | |
((((nightsky))))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IJw9jid5Yk&feature=youtube_gdata_player
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 5906 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South |
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 | | Posted: 8:01 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2012 | |
PM'd you. Congrats on the initial confrontation!  Sounds like it went as well as could be hoped for. Please try to be strong and hold your boundaries firm he's very likely he'll push back against you once all of the ramifications sink in.
~ Sabina
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC |
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908 | | Posted: 10:02 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2012 | |
Sadly if he was that deep into his "friends" I don't think this is going to stop cold turkey. He may not be on his own computer but he is probably going underground and you won't know what he is doing...thats why he is asking you what YOUR sources are...sadly this is typical.
Just watch and wait and keep everything you know close to the vest. They generally will bargain and then manipulate. Stay the course, be strong.
Posts: 5237 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida |
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782 | | Posted: 10:28 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2012 | |
Nightsky - I am so glad to hear the confrontation went well for you. I really wish I found SI when I first suspected an A. I would have been more prepared. I wish I knew about the investigative tools to use.
I am not sure why your WH is reluctant to get STD testing. When I asked mine for testing he said ok. I can't help but think what is he afraid of. Have you told how this makes you feel?
Stay strong in the things you need him to do. My Wh did try to push the new rules and I had to remind him of the consequences. Going through the lies and finding out the entire truth was too devastating to go through again and I told him does not get another chance.
It is hard to believe they would do what they did and tell us they want to stay married. We are finally going to MC because this is something I am struggling with.
Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15
Gotta love the life that we livin'
Posts: 244 | Registered: Feb 2012 |
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 7:08 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Morning SI. Just another quick (for me) update. I took a break last night, I was totally exhausted and my tank was completely empty. I didn't even turn on the computer. Fell into bed early and got the first decent night sleep since this began. I feel more focused and centered this morning.
Yesterday was definitely a dip in the ride for me. I read through this thread again. Reading all your amazing support has put me back on the upswing. Thank you!
WH continues to do everything I have asked (demanded according to him, too bad). He said I am pulling all the strings. Well, that is where he has put us. He is still obsessed with my "sources." He definitely doesn't like feeling like he has no control. I might need to add a new set of initials to this alphabet soup - NPD?
I told WH he is too focused on the money. This is about ME. I keep telling him I have taken steps to make myself safe. This morning I told WH I need to be safe because what he has done has not only shattered my heart and broken my trust, but he has made me vulnerable. I need to make myself safe because he has made me vulnerable.
He wants it to be some far off time in the future. Keep in mind we are 3 days in. I told him at some point it will be. I asked him how he thought that would happen. WH told me "one day at a time." Boy, if he already want this over, he better do the hard work to get us there. I am calling about IC for myself today.
nightsky
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 |
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 | | Posted: 7:44 AM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Dropping in to say that what you're doing now is setting boundaries. I'm sure you already know that, but sometimes in the heat of the moment remembering that protecting yourself is healthy self-care & setting boundaries- *not* being controlling -can be tough. Unfortunately, I think his true stance will continue to emerge, slowly but surely.
Take good care of yourself~ Sabina
edited for formatting [This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:46 AM, June 26th (Tuesday)]
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC |
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 4:35 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
PPGA - thank you so for the link. I just got a chance to watch it and the timing was perfect. I SO needed the reinforcement as I just got back from my STD test. One more quack down.
I will think of this video every time I waver or hit that dip in the rollercoaster. This is definitely going on my ipod.
nightsky
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 |
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484 | | Posted: 5:18 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
nightsky, please step over to the right here, and claim your well-deserved prize:
I hope he's not NPD.
They are incapable of empathy, much less remorse.
Remorse is a key pillar of successful R.
Honesty
Transparency
NC
are the others.
You know what remorse is, as you've had it yourself. True remorse is concerned about the damage done to you, not consequences to himself (that's regret).
This is a good read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460
Strength to you!
Imagine. Your best move.
Now imagine it used against you.
Posts: 4390 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas |
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209 | | Posted: 5:40 PM, June 26th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Kudos to you for your strength thus far. You're awesome. Your posts are so eloquent and insightful. In the 'beginning' he wasn't accountable for his time, wearing after shave, etc. Please keep monitoring his whereabouts to protect yourself. I've dealt with anger over requests too. It's selfish manipulation. I think you're smart to get STD testing and proceed as though he's met up with ISS for sex. If you don't have evidence of a PA, you could bluff that you do and see what happens. He's obsessed with your sources, so he could possibly believe you have more evidence. Good luck!!
Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.
Posts: 819 | Registered: May 2011 |
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 5:09 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Good morning nightsky.
I hope you are getting some rest and taking care of yourself.
I believe MDW most probably nailed the reason for your H continuing to be obsessed with your sources: He's obsessed with your sources, so he could possibly believe you have more evidence. I believe he is hiding something else, and he is terrified you will find it out.
PPGA
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 5906 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South |
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 6:49 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Morning SI. I had my first little foray into the 180. Now I see what all the fuss is about!
I don't know if it is still technically 180 if WH is doing the work, but it sure helped me last night. I think I can use it as a tool to help strengthen me, even if we are in this mess together. Use in when the rollercoaster dips down to help push me into the upward ride.
WH wanted to know about my STD test. Yes, it was embarrassing and difficult. I have been seeing this woman for many years and she knows about my/our life. WH wanted to know what I told her. Well, as I have basically no one IRL to talk to, I spilled everything. And I didn't think twice about doing do.
WH threw a major temper tantrum. Somehow I am supposed to protect his privacy and dignity throughout this mess. I told him - Na Yaw - No Way. This is about ME.
I told him he created this s*** storm and I think I have been dealing with it rather well! Then I left the house to do some errands.
Felt good. Felt like I was standing on my own two feet and not falling all over myself to make him feel better.
This morning WH told me he would call to schedule his test. No apology for his behavior/reaction, but one more item on the requirements list. WH has to struggle with his shame/embarrassment/pain/whatever by himself. And I have to let him.
Thanks again, SI. You Rock!!!!
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 |
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377 | | Posted: 7:11 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Felt good. Felt like I was standing on my own two feet and not falling all over myself to make him feel better.
This IS what it is all about, you taking care of you!
Good job, Nightsky!
Posts: 1303 | Registered: Oct 2008 |
squiffle
♀ Member
Member # 13015 | | Posted: 7:20 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Somehow I am supposed to protect his privacy and dignity throughout this mess.
Narcissist much? Yeah, they expect you are going to keep their secrets and not tarnish their image.
Good for you for saying no. Image control is not in your job description. You are a BS not a spin doctor.
For a guy who says he just looks at ads and doesn't fuck around, it is curious that he's concerned about your tests. Were you going to pick something up from a Craigslist contact high? Osmosis? Has he admitted that these were physical affairs?
He probably wants to know if you got anything first, so it gives him the green light to get tested, so he can deny plausibility that he needed to get tested at all.
Mindfuck central.
Stay strong.
Moved on. Moved away. Happily married to a good man. Life gets better after this shit.
Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: west |
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243 | | Posted: 7:46 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
You may wish to give him information about his "chats."
The website may well be in Russia and the "girl" may well be an old male computer tech.
They forward a summary of his chats to a hooker in the U.S. in their prostitution network who will pretend to be the chat girl, with some knowledge of past conversations. She will tell him she needs money to come to U.S. (even if already here) and then once she announces her arrival, will tell him she needs more money to pay for her cell phone to talk to him, needs money for a lawyer to get citizenship or to pay off the pimp who paid her way to u.s. and demands she work as a hooker in return to pay for transport. (This part is usually not a lie, since sex traffickers make women work as hookers or as unpaid help in businesses. But it will get him enmeshed in a scam and some very scary people in the long run.) Then maybe she will advise him how to rid himself of a wife, if his assets are considerable, then live with him for green card and also she will rid herself of him when his assets or property are used up or she can get all of it.
He should know this now. [This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:50 AM, June 27th (Wednesday)]
Posts: 1794 | Registered: Dec 2011 |
So Naive
♀ Member
Member # 5220 | | Posted: 8:08 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
nightsky,
The day after my own dday, my WS said, "We already talked about this. Why do we have to keep talking about it? Why can't you just get past it?"
This is typical WS-speak.
sn
Posts: 1486 | Registered: Aug 2004 | From: northeast |
nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 8:36 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
So naive, you are so right. I actually got the "how long are we going to pick at the scab" speech DURING the confrontation.
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 |
| Topic Posts: 89 | |
