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User
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Topic: Just starting out here (very long)
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Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619 |  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2012 |     |
I actually got the "how long are we going to pick at the scab" speech DURING the confrontation. Scab? scab? What scab? Scabs are a sign of healing. The one who needs healing the most is you. So the next time he pulls that crap tell him "I don't have any emotional scabs to pick at yet because I'm not that healed yet." If he comes back at you talking about his own "pain" (and he might) then his self-inflicted wounds are not your concern.
Picking at the scab??? Seriously???
xBH
D final 8/2012
Posts: 2156 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 5:43 PM, June 28th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Hi All, I just wanted to touch base. I have had my STD test and WH is scheduled for his. I have also had my first IC appointment. Boy, this is going to be a really, really LONG process. IC said in no uncertain terms, this is an affair, this is a betrayal of our marriage vows. Not that I had any doubt. How could it be anything else with the staggering pain that this has inflicted.
I have to admit right now I am completely exhausted. I think I have been running on adrenalin and sheer panic since a week ago Saturday. How can it possibly have only been 12 days since my whole world crumbed to my feet. My whole reality has been blown apart. I have become so immersed in this s**t storm that it is difficult to remember the preceding 35 years I had with this man.
WH continues to be completely transparent as far as I can tell (believe me I am being diligent in checking). We are at a very strange place. We almost don't know how to act/be with each other. It is too early in this process and I am too drained to know how I feel or how to react to anything.
WH remains adamant that it was just a "game." I think it will be very difficult, if not impossible, for us to move forward and heal unless he can be truthful with himself. This is why one of my requirements is IC for himself.
But - I hear you SI - that is not my problem. I will/must heal myself! I am trying to continue to make progress and do what is in MY best interests.
nightsky
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 10:46 AM, July 8th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Morning, SI. I wanted to post an update. Sorry it has been so long; WH has not been on his computer since the confrontation, making very difficult to post. SI is my safe haven so I cannot give him any opportunity to discover what I am doing or my “source.”
So it has been 3 weeks since DDay and 2 weeks since the confrontation. It feels like forever. Did the preceding 35 years even exist? WH continues to do everything requested/required and continues to be transparent – or so I thought. Uncovered another lie last Tuesday. WH tried to say it was a “lie of omission.” I said that wasn’t going to wash. I told WH he is just trying to protect himself and that does not make me feel safe.
Then I again got, “at some point we need to move beyond this.” I told WH that it has only been 9 days since the confrontation and since I had just discovered another lie that day I didn’t even know what it was I was supposed to “get over.” I also told WH that if I hadn’t confronted him, he would still be deeply engaged with his ISSs and still spending significant $$ on his online whores. He can’t refute that, he knows it is the truth. I asked WH when he would have stopped, how much more $$. He had no answer.
WH is still pushing to know the actions I have taken to protect myself and how I found out. I know I will NEVER reveal any of this. Never, never, never. And WH has lost the right to ask me to “trust” him by telling him. I implicitly and blindly trusted this man for over 35 years. A WH has taken his place. As of D-day, I will never allow myself to be vulnerable again.
WH is standing firm on “it was just a game and it NEVER affected how he feels about me or our marriage.” He is still focused on the $$. I think WH feels this is the extent, or at least most egregious part, of his betrayal. I told WH that his actions and absorption with his ISSs has wounded me deeply and that in my heart I feel this behavior was an affair. WH has broken his marriage vows and betrayed me. He has shattered my trust and I no longer am able to trust him. My IC said this was “physical” because of the visual aspect of the online chats. Boy, that sure rocked me and sent another dagger to my heart.
WH asked me what I wanted. He said he would apologize 100 times a day if that is what I wanted. I told him I have thought about things that have occurred over the last two years and said to myself, “that f**king bas***d.” This is when he truly got upset. WH then told me at some point I will need to forgive him because we will not be able to have a marriage if I think of him as a FB. Tears by him at this point. So, again it is about him. He was “upset” when I told him about MY pain, but tears because he is a FB. He is feeling sorry for himself. Regret, yes. Remorse, not sure I have really seen it yet.
The rollercoaster is brutal. WH and our new reality send me hurtling down. The support and caring I feel from SI strengthen me and push me onto the upward climb. I am doing fairly well at trying to eat and stay hydrated. Sleep is my biggest problem. I am taking Benadryl every night; otherwise I am awake for hours in the middle of the night. My Dr. and IC both recommended it and said it wasn’t habit-forming. Side benefit is that it is helping with my allergies 
WH starts IC next week. He doesn’t seem to be going into it with a very positive attitude. WH is still so deep in denial! He said it will be a “one and done.” I told him, no problem. If that was the case he will find his stuff in hefty bags out in the driveway.
I am trying to focus on myself. I am continuing my IC and starting to ask myself just what it is I really want. I want to make myself stronger. I want to regain the parts of me that fell away during the years I was busy being a wife and mother raising my family. I told my IC that I have to love the person I am when I roll out of bed in the morning. Big words, now it is time for MY actions.
This marriage will never be the same. I will never be the same. I will work on making myself stronger and WH and I will have to see what the possibilities are for this new marriage.
nightsky
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558 | | Posted: 4:47 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012 | |
Nightsky
I just read your entire thread and wanted to tell you that you are amazing.
Me: BW a youthful 48
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 55
Married 18 years
Two sons, 15 & 16years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California | jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484 | | Posted: 7:15 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2012 | |
"One and done" huh?
He's on another planet, and it ain't called remorse.
That is so at odds with his pathetic, throw-something-up-against-the-wall-and-see-if-it-sticks utterance of 100 apologies per day.
He's bargaining with the consequences, desperately engaged in minimizing them - to himself, mind you!
It's a hard thing. We want there to be true remorse so bad, we accept crumbs. So often, the hardness of their selfish, entitled hearts is inversely proportional to the amount of lip- moving, spewing empty babble.
You might want to hang a hefty bag on a doorknob and go rattle it. After awhile, you can train him to shut up just by glancing at it.
I wish you well (((nightsky)))
Imagine. Your best move.
Now imagine it used against you.
Posts: 4391 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas | nightsky
♀ Member
Member # 35728 | | Posted: 6:53 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Ladyogilvy, thank you for your kind words. The fact that I am able to navigate this nightmare at all, I owe completely to the amazing, caring people here at SI. This place is truly a safe haven in the storm and the caring, support and guidance, for me, has been the light holding me up and leading me forward.
jjct, your message was very timely. We had a very tough night, mainly because I wouldn't roll over like I usually do. I totally let loose and let him see my pain and I threw in a whole bunch of anger! I wouldn't let him minimize or deflect. I wouldn't let him brow-beat me into quitting and keeping quiet. Man, there really is a WS handbook. I feel like we are working our way through it page by page. WH is surprised I'm not letting him skip chapters!
Thanks for the support.
nightsky [This message edited by nightsky at 6:58 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]
BW (me) – WH (him) mid-50s and emptynesters
Married 33 yrs
DD 6/2012 –WH has been paying $$$ for online video sex chats and calls his favorite “my girlfriend.”
Can’t/won’t give up the site(s), his GF or stop the porn
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2012 | Belle29
♀ Member
Member # 35501 | | Posted: 8:07 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
How disrespectful for him to communicate with the PISS' with you in the very room.....as if you were to stupid to pick up on what he was doing! What an asshole.
I can sympathize as the exact same thing happened to me, only it was a "friend" in CA. Thank God you listened to your gut.
Perhaps if you drop the topic with him and act like you do not have any concerns he will feel comfortable enough to continue with his actions. This will give you time to install a keylogger. If interested in a different option, I got my proof of the A by having a program installed on my ex's computer that showed every single website, keystroke typed, pages looked at, EVERY activity.
Stay strong, get the proof you need, and take care of yourself. You have begun a long and painful journey, but you have friends here. Hugs to you.
Me: BS
Her: WS
DDay: 4/27/2012
It's a rollercoaster ride for sure......and I never did like rollercoasters. That's why I got off.
Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Dallas | seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987 | | Posted: 3:02 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Some consider me a sick evil bitch and I tend to agree. I would tell him that I found out via the threatening calls from the Russian mob. For added glitz and glam, look on CL or wherever for a male Russian translator who will likely have the accent. Let WH field that call where translator will introduce himself as PISS 1 and that he better send more money.. I get a strong suspicion WH would leave PISSERS in his dust.
Posts: 779 | Registered: May 2009 | momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209 | | Posted: 3:45 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Just wanted to say I think you're amazing. The way you describe working through the WS handbook
page by page, not letting him skip!! So funny and true! I can identify with the brow beating to quiet you. Sometimes you're gonna crack and blow, but ultimately until he takes IC seriously, a version of the 180 works best, which it sounds like you're becoming a master!!
IMO, he really is spewing some ridiculous crap, we've all heard it too, and I literally giggled out loud about putting the hefty bags on the door and rattling them to shut him up. Thanks for the updates! I'm learning a lot from you!!
Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.
Posts: 819 | Registered: May 2011 | | Topic Posts: 89 | |
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