Please direct your question to the BS Questions for WS in ICR

My H has consistently said he can't explain why he did what he did, that he is disgusted with himself, knew it was wrong, felt trapped in the A.

I have thought he must know why he started the A, but he is now in IC to find out - he has only in the last few weeks accepted that if he doesn't know why he was tempted, he could be tempted again.

Reading other WS's feelings about their actions helps me understand my H better.

My H has shown tremendous remorse, and has said just these things- holds such shame and embarrassment for not only what he did, but the person he was. He was pompous and arrogant, and bragged to his friends, even by email, that he was living the life. This was so far from the man I knew that it terrified me that this was who he truly was, inside, and had kept in check so he could have the family and life he could be proud of.

It is helpful to me to read that so many of you are saying the same things as he. It helps me to whittle away my protective shell that keeps us from being as close as we used to be. It also helps me to believe that this type of shame is REAL, and not simply lip service to keep me from forcing him to admit his part in it all.

For some reason, this post touched home and helps restore my faith that this was not who he truly was, but the anomaly that he got spun into... AND... returned to grace.

I look at the June 18th date of this thread and my heart hurts.. I wish I found SI on June 18th. I wish I could have seen this thread then. By this date, I had cheated on my BH once, was rugsweeping and without any warning this was a few days away from cheating again.

My BH asked me why I didn't confess to him sooner at our last MC. I told him because I was scared and a coward. Seeing threads like this and getting support sooner would have made all the difference in the world.

Yes I read this thread back in July after I joined SI but it didn't resonate the same as it does today. I had already done serious damage by then.

Perhaps this thread has been helpful for BSs as well but I think it has more power to help WSs. Maybe those who had done some damage already, yet to come clean and need to before they can cause further hurt.

I'm very disgusted at my affair behavior and always will be. That is not me anymore and it horrifies me that it was me just a few months ago.

This is a wonderful post. So happy I ran across it.
Thank you all.

There is not enough punishment for someone who could do this. On the anniversary of dday number one (last week ) I had to pull over and dry heave just visualizing some of my actions. Although my BH rarely mentions it,I will never get over this. I will never be able to make up for what is have done. I can never repay his kindnesses. I just don't understand why he is so good to me. I don't deserve him.

Sometimes I am driving alone in the car ranting at myself with tears pouring down my face. I have a hard time reconciling the person who could be s morally bankrupt with who I am today.

This.

Not while I'm driving since I don't drive but definitely when I am alone in bed, walking down the street, on the train. I hate what I did. I don't recognize the person I was when I did these things. I hate, hate, hate, hate it. I've dry heaved, thrown up blood, cried ALL day, headaches, dizziness, no eating, churning stomach, racing heart, anxiety attacks. The list goes on and on. The worst is when a specific memory of something I said flashes through my mind. The physical acts themselves were bad enough but the flirting oh god I hate myself and my actions. I feel like i'm a good person and I made horrible terrible choices. He's still with me, he loves me, he can be angry at times but he loves me, he wants me, he still wants kids with me....he's amazing.

I am so proud of the man he is today and I love him very much.

Me-BS 49
FWH-49
dday 3-19-11
M 29 yrs
R

She also said it was like a blur, like she was a different person, and that after DDay she was sickened by the thought of how she acted, and could hardly believe it - but many of the memories were there, so she knew it was real.

When I showed her on our phone records that she let MY calls go to voicemail any time she was talking to OM, she had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Ditto when I pointed out how she treated our then-toddler son.

During her As, *I* could hardly recognize her as someone I knew.

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time

Hint hint.

The term "disgust" was used recently by my H. As much as it must be terrible to feel this way about one's own actions, to hear it is somehow consoling to the BS.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 9:00 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

It was very helpful as a BS to read this. It helps to understand the pain that the WS goes through.

It is hard for me to imagine as I am sure it is hard for my h to imagine what I go through.

It helps me to have empathy for him. It makes me want to help him. I do realize though that he has to do the work to heal himself.

I am going to ask him to read this. I think he holds so much inside and it hurts him and us. I wonder all the time how he feels now.

If he reads this I want him to know, I am proud of the changes that he is working so hard to make. I believe our goal is attainable but I see the price that we both have to pay. It will be worth it.

I wonder if it is the shame that causes one to hold all this inside. To have these feelings and hold them to yourself must be a very painful and lonely place.

When we got married, we promised to be each other's faithful champion. At some point, and for no good reason, I planted my flag next to the AP and didn't even know I was in an emotional affair at the time. It just makes me sick. I betrayed the trust of an amazing woman over nothing and totally 'affaired down' in the process.
Revulsion? Yeah, that's a good word for it.