Topic: Disgust at affair behavior
Member # 15162
| Posted: 5:25 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012|
Please direct your question to the BS Questions for WS in ICR
FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Posts: 36902 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 34372
| Posted: 2:12 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012|
No, helpeme, not every WS feels that way. Mine doesn't. Said that he was the same person that he always had been. Good to know after 20 yrs of marriage.
BS - me
WS - husband
4 children - all teens
Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Ohio
Member # 35633
| Posted: 2:23 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012|
I'm reading a great book that is helping me through all this. Its "When Good People Have Affairs"
I'm only 75 pages in and it really helping through this journey especially the guilt and shame. I'm learning to forgive myself which is the hardest thing ever.
WS aren't the only ones that lie and hurt others.
Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Ohio
♀ New Member
Member # 35720
| Posted: 10:51 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012|
It's always helpful to read books that can help. Because the guilt and the shame can be so overwhelming at times. Forgiveness is the hardest thing ever, and so is the Why.
[This message edited by Bobcat5 at 10:54 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)]
DD #1 09/11
DD #2 10/11
DD #3 1/12
DD #4 5/19/2012
DD #5 7/24/12 broke NC
M: 24 yrs 3 great kids
Trying to reconcile
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 35984
| Posted: 11:14 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012|
I've felt that disgust, and I still do a year and a half later. There are pretty big holes in what I did during that time but there are moments of excruciating clarity too. I can remember for parts of it how badly I tried to impress OW. I think about it now and feel like and absolute moron. The feelings go a bit beyond that and helped culminate in a suicide attempt soon after the A. I try now to not focus on the personal disgust, but rather to channel that energy into improving myself for the relationship with my wife.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 35424
| Posted: 2:12 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012|
Thanks for all the posts in this thread - really helps me.
My H has consistently said he can't explain why he did what he did, that he is disgusted with himself, knew it was wrong, felt trapped in the A.
I have thought he must know why he started the A, but he is now in IC to find out - he has only in the last few weeks accepted that if he doesn't know why he was tempted, he could be tempted again.
Reading other WS's feelings about their actions helps me understand my H better.
BW - me,
WH - him
Married 27 years, 3 lovely grown kids
DD#1 August 2011 - 2 PAs over last 9 months
DD#2 April 2012 - A continuing...
DD#3 May 2012 - Finally over
R'ing again - this time he's serious.
Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 35633
| Posted: 10:06 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012|
I honestly am disgusted by what I did. I am having the hardest time forgiving myself. This is honestly the worst I have ever felt about myself. I have hated what I have done. The book I mentioned is truly helping me recover.
WS aren't the only ones that lie and hurt others.
Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Ohio
Member # 34523
| Posted: 10:01 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2012|
I think of what I did and my skin crawls, I feel like I need a bleach shower, and want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon. I hate what I did and don't want to ever feel that way again. Not to mention what I did to my family??? I lost their trust and respect.
Divorce final 1/27/12. In the search for me and my why. No excuses, just work and improvements for me.
Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 28645
| Posted: 6:26 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012|
*Bump* because this is a helpful thread for BS's to read
You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back
Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 35180
| Posted: 7:04 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012|
As a BS, I want to say thank you for posting this, and thank you for bumping it. Not a normal reader in this forum, I tend to believe that the A's were fun, and a gamble, but when discovered, the game was over.
My H has shown tremendous remorse, and has said just these things- holds such shame and embarrassment for not only what he did, but the person he was. He was pompous and arrogant, and bragged to his friends, even by email, that he was living the life. This was so far from the man I knew that it terrified me that this was who he truly was, inside, and had kept in check so he could have the family and life he could be proud of.
It is helpful to me to read that so many of you are saying the same things as he. It helps me to whittle away my protective shell that keeps us from being as close as we used to be. It also helps me to believe that this type of shame is REAL, and not simply lip service to keep me from forcing him to admit his part in it all.
For some reason, this post touched home and helps restore my faith that this was not who he truly was, but the anomaly that he got spun into... AND... returned to grace.
Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 36033
| Posted: 11:00 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2012|
I look at the June 18th date of this thread and my heart hurts.. I wish I found SI on June 18th. I wish I could have seen this thread then. By this date, I had cheated on my BH once, was rugsweeping and without any warning this was a few days away from cheating again.
My BH asked me why I didn't confess to him sooner at our last MC. I told him because I was scared and a coward. Seeing threads like this and getting support sooner would have made all the difference in the world.
Yes I read this thread back in July after I joined SI but it didn't resonate the same as it does today. I had already done serious damage by then.
Perhaps this thread has been helpful for BSs as well but I think it has more power to help WSs. Maybe those who had done some damage already, yet to come clean and need to before they can cause further hurt.
I'm very disgusted at my affair behavior and always will be. That is not me anymore and it horrifies me that it was me just a few months ago.
WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD
The WW formerly known as messedupchick
Posts: 800 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 30631
| Posted: 9:57 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012|
This is a wonderful post. So happy I ran across it.
Thank you all.
In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 34805
| Posted: 10:41 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012|
Me too. Sometimes I am driving alone in the car ranting at myself with tears pouring down my face. I have a hard time reconciling the person who could be s morally bankrupt with who I am today.
There is not enough punishment for someone who could do this. On the anniversary of dday number one (last week ) I had to pull over and dry heave just visualizing some of my actions. Although my BH rarely mentions it,I will never get over this. I will never be able to make up for what is have done. I can never repay his kindnesses. I just don't understand why he is so good to me. I don't deserve him.
Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come
Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 37091
| Posted: 1:10 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2012|
Sometimes I am driving alone in the car ranting at myself with tears pouring down my face. I have a hard time reconciling the person who could be s morally bankrupt with who I am today.
Not while I'm driving since I don't drive but definitely when I am alone in bed, walking down the street, on the train. I hate what I did. I don't recognize the person I was when I did these things. I hate, hate, hate, hate it. I've dry heaved, thrown up blood, cried ALL day, headaches, dizziness, no eating, churning stomach, racing heart, anxiety attacks. The list goes on and on. The worst is when a specific memory of something I said flashes through my mind. The physical acts themselves were bad enough but the flirting oh god I hate myself and my actions. I feel like i'm a good person and I made horrible terrible choices. He's still with me, he loves me, he can be angry at times but he loves me, he wants me, he still wants kids with me....he's amazing.
Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild
No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Posts: 2700 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 33549
| Posted: 1:27 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012|
Thank you to the WS's who have been so honest about how they felt. It helps me to understand how my husband could have been at this dark place and not want to be that person again. He is very remorseful, has said he was depressed, didn't like himself, what he did was deplorable, very shameful.
I am so proud of the man he is today and I love him very much.
M 29 yrs
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
Posts: 604 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 15224
| Posted: 1:39 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2012|
My FWW literally did NOT remember some things she had said and done (to me, especially, but also to the kids) from her A time.
She also said it was like a blur, like she was a different person, and that after DDay she was sickened by the thought of how she acted, and could hardly believe it - but many of the memories were there, so she knew it was real.
When I showed her on our phone records that she let MY calls go to voicemail any time she was talking to OM, she had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Ditto when I pointed out how she treated our then-toddler son.
During her As, *I* could hardly recognize her as someone I knew.
DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
Member # 37645
| Posted: 11:50 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012|
Thank you WS's for sharing your thoughts. It helps me understand what he is going through & the self loathing he is feeling. He says there is a gaping hole in his soul he doesn't feel like will ever be whole again. Glad I found this thread.
BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)
Learning to breathe again - one day at a time
Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 34770
| Posted: 8:58 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013|
Bumping for a new member who hasn't posted yet.
The term "disgust" was used recently by my H. As much as it must be terrible to feel this way about one's own actions, to hear it is somehow consoling to the BS.
[This message edited by FightingBack at 9:00 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!
Posts: 750 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 37451
| Posted: 4:23 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
Thank you all for your honesty. It must be very difficult to acknowledge and express these feelings.
It was very helpful as a BS to read this. It helps to understand the pain that the WS goes through.
It is hard for me to imagine as I am sure it is hard for my h to imagine what I go through.
It helps me to have empathy for him. It makes me want to help him. I do realize though that he has to do the work to heal himself.
I am going to ask him to read this. I think he holds so much inside and it hurts him and us. I wonder all the time how he feels now.
If he reads this I want him to know, I am proud of the changes that he is working so hard to make. I believe our goal is attainable but I see the price that we both have to pay. It will be worth it.
I wonder if it is the shame that causes one to hold all this inside. To have these feelings and hold them to yourself must be a very painful and lonely place.
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Posts: 1309 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 40181
| Posted: 4:56 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
This is an old thread but still completely relevant. Yes, I feel disgust at my affair behavior and am having a devil of a time reconciling who I thought I was and what I turned out to be during that time.
When we got married, we promised to be each other's faithful champion. At some point, and for no good reason, I planted my flag next to the AP and didn't even know I was in an emotional affair at the time. It just makes me sick. I betrayed the trust of an amazing woman over nothing and totally 'affaired down' in the process.
Revulsion? Yeah, that's a good word for it.
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."
Posts: 236 | Registered: Aug 2013
|Topic Posts: 51|