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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: trying to rebuild the trust
Heartbroke40
♂ New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I am the BS. I have decided to come post here.

I have been controlling on occasion as she stated in some of her posts. I have also not given her the respect and love she deserved early on in our marriage. I have owned these for long time and the last 5 years I have tried to make it up to her.

I know that the resentment she has for all of the years I didn't treat her as the wonderful person she was has some part of landing us where we are today. I am lost and still confused at this point.

I know I still love this women, and that is blessing and curse at the same time. It makes me feel weak and strong. My main problem is how to sort through all of the lies.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:42 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
betrayerb40
♀ Member
Member # 36071
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to be clear these behaviors that I consider to be controlling occured before the A.

I have often felt like my husband has treated me like a child. He Has told me not to go certain places if he felt like the kids and I were going out to much beach, pool etc... including what time we should be home.

He has gone out several times after work, but most often had an issue if I wanted to go out. (When I say go out I mean a quick drink with the girls).

He has issues with what I wear. (In his defese I had breast augmentation a little over two years ago, and he feels this is partly to blame for the A). Anway, I believe I am a professional, and dress like one, but he doesn't always agree. This kind of behavior has made me feel he doesn't think I'm capable of making that decision.

I think the biggest problem however is when I feel he wants to dictate a solution to a problem telling me what is, and isn't going to happen, followed by ulimatums if it didn't go his way.

Ultimately, I would like to feel like we are parteners in this marriage. I realize part of my problem was not saying how I felt, and instead being sneaky and lying.

I truly hope that we can find a way to come together as a team for both our marriage and our kids.

I realize I broke his heart. I Know how lucky I am to be given a chance to rebuild what I have destroyed.

I'm glad he's posting here, and am hopeful that he will receive the support he needs to move on. More then that I pray he doesn't give up on me, and our marriage.

I have told him on several occassions that I don't deserve his forgiveness and love. But the bottom line is, he is the love of my life..


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2012
betrayerb40
♀ Member
Member # 36071
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be fair when my husband went out, it was for dinner directly after work. He was working and living in another city or state during the week. He was always honest about this. What bothered me is that I felt there was a double standard.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the biggest problem however is when I feel he wants to dictate a solution to a problem telling me what is, and isn't going to happen, followed by ulimatums if it didn't go his way.

What do you mean by ultimatums? Can you give us an example?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198445 | Registered: May 2002
bluecali
♂ Member
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I can understand that it's hard to be totally honest when some of your truths are "flung back at you." You earned that. Being honest doesn't give you amnesty, it just helps rebuild trust. I don't know of a workaround. Just tell him the truth, whether ugly or not, and know that you may be taking some lumps. For me, continued dishonesty (lies, half truths, and failing to disclose) was one of the worst things she did after DDay. Good luck to you.


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
betrayerb40
♀ Member
Member # 36071
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An axample would be yesterday at MC he said that if I didn't give up one of my friendships he would not be with me. Now this friend is a women, and I consider her to be one of my best friends. Several years ago he saw her dance and kiss another man. I didn't see it, not did she admit to it. She does like to go out to clubs, but I do not engage in that behavior with her.

If she cheats on her husband (which she never admitted to me) it is not broadcasted.

My friendship with her is limited to talking and the occassional lunch or drink right after work. She has been a tremendous support to me, although she doesn't agree with my actions.

I do however understand that after finding out about the A my husband is extremely apprehensive of anyone I associate with.

In another situation I was meeting my mom for dinner. We invited my neighbor (who almost never goes anywhere) so I didn't expect her to come. My husband called me later that night and I told him I was with our neighbor. He was very upset that I didn't tell him earlier. At some point he told me that if i didn't agree that I was wrong he couldn't be with me.

I often have felt backed against a wall, and rather then confront or take a stand I have backed down. So instead I would lie. I lied about little dumb things that I felt should have been okay, but for some reason I have always needed his approval.

I really do get that he needs to feel in control right now. And I truly hope I am not upsetting him by writing this. But if we can't fix some of the problems that made me (at the time) feel I was justified to cheat how can we truly move on, and make eachother happy??

Just to add, I need to be clear when i made the above statement that I'm not saying I would cheat again if I was unhappy. I know the gravity of what i have done to my BS, as well as my children. I am embarresed of my actions, and still can't bear to face my husbands family. But most of all I could not bear to put the love of my life through this hell again.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand what you're saying and I also understand what your H is needing.

I gave up a 22 year friendship with my bestfriend due to it making my husband very uncomfortable. She not only was involved in her own affair, but she also was fully aware of mine, so my H felt that she was a very bad influence on me.

I wrote her a NC letter and never looked back. I did grieve the ending of our friendship, it hurt to say goodbye to her...but my marriage and my H's stability and me rebuilding trust was far more important to me.

What did your MC say about the ultimatum? Was that done during your session?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198445 | Registered: May 2002
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did your best friend know about your A? If so,then she needs to go. Anyone who knew about your affair and didn't tell your husband isn't a friend of the marriage. And,if she cheats on her husband she's not someone your BH feels safe having around.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
whatnow999
♂ Member
Member # 35494
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not exactly the best person to answer this since I am in the same boat as you, Betrayer in a lot of ways. But these are my thoughts. My BS has went back through our marital history to find any other affairs. I think with your LTA and the budding EA your husband is going to be very nervous. You have to do your best to reassure him that this was the only time (it was right?).

Anway, I believe I am a professional, and dress like one, but he doesn't always agree. This kind of behavior has made me feel he doesn't think I'm capable of making that decision.

I can totally relate to you on this. My wife has made not so subtle accusations that I am not professional at work. I think a lot of times an affair changes how your BS sees you. Its easy to think if a WS is dishonest with one thing they would be with another thing too. Even if its not true.

I think something like breast augmentation coupled with a LTA would make any husband nervous and suspicious. Your husband shouldn't make the accusations but can you at least understand where he is coming from? My wife has become obsessed that I am not professional at work with students - not true at all. It bothers me a lot but I understand why she feels that way. I'm trying to work helping her with that. If dressing a bit more modest is what he needs is it that big a deal?

Its seems like your BS understands he made some mistakes in the marriage (which is better than some). That is a good sign and if you give him time and the opportunity he can change. He obviously wants to.

The affair you had and especially the length are pretty hard to defend. There is no reason or defense for that. I think a lot of the harsh responses in the other board is because of that. Just look at it from the outside observer point of view. You had an affair for two years and lied to your husband for the entire time. You then had another flirting episode after he found out. That screams someone that has cheated the entire relationship. You slept with the OM in your home. That is totally disrespectful to your husband and family. People aren't going to run to your defense. Especially when only your husband's side is being presented. I know its hard but try to understand that. I've felt like screaming over reading some of the responses to my wife's threads on this site. It might be just to not read them if they are that harsh. But I don't think you can tell him he can't post or shouldn't post. That isn't going to go over well imho.

I hope no one takes this advice the wrong way. I'm just as flawed as you, Betrayer, and I'm not trying to come across as holier than thou or anything like that.


Me, 30, Husband
Her, 29, Wife
One Daughter, One Son

Posts: 232 | Registered: May 2012
Bobcat5
♀ New Member
Member # 35720
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you are going through, believe me. My BS posted on the same forum as me and it helped tremendously. Anyone who knew of the A and kept it from your BS is NOT a friend of the marriage. you need to read " Not Just Friends" you will clearly come out of the fog.
I too thought my husband treated me like a child at times. That is no excuse for an A however if we had communicated it would have never happened.


ME:50 BH:49
DD #1 09/11
DD #2 10/11
DD #3 1/12
DD #4 5/19/2012
DD #5 7/24/12 broke NC
M: 24 yrs 3 great kids
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2012
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bb40,

but doesn't anyone feel like the other issues where part of what caused the infedelity in the first place?

Issues before an A can be symptoms, but that is it and while they should be addressed at some point, I feel they muddy the water for what the real issues can be. I used these real symptoms to blame shift or deflect or lessen the damage for what I did. Not saying that is what you are doing but they really are not what is at issue now, right?

Start with how you betrayed yourself, because you did that before you betrayed HB40.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
tmcm
♂ Member
Member # 8758
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old habits, especially non-productive ones, are hard to break, on both sides. Your husband needs to understand that ultimatums serve only to create emotional distance between spouses. A better way is for him to convey to you that while he won't tell you what to do, that certain actions on your part, do not foster optimism in him that the marriage is out of the woods.

Going back to the affair. You need to seriously ask yourself the question "Why would I risk so much for sex with another man, if my intention was never to end my marriage?". The honest answer is the first step towards honesty and rebuilding the trust that was broken by your 2 year affair.


XBH: Me
XWW: First Wife

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2005
betrayerb40
♀ Member
Member # 36071
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A initially was exposed by a (former) friend. I told her at my 40th birthday party after she told me she had been in a relationship with the OM, and thought he might be messing around. I ended up telling her about me, because at the time I thought she needed to know. (Looking back I see how my priorities were so out of whack).

Anyway, she for some reason thought I new about her and the OM. Needless to say, women scorned is very dangerous. I honestly thought I was helping her. So when we returned to school the following Monday, I found out many people had been told of the A. I had several differing reactions. Some were really bad to say the least. I was threatened physically, and verbally. One women kept saying she was going to call me husband. Eventually this died down. I didn't feel the need to hide in offices, and cry. The A was over before I told her, and I thought I could move on, regain some of my self respect, and salvage my marriage without my husband finding out.

My friends, including the one my husband has a issue with did not know until it came out at my school. She amongst others were very disappointed with my actions, however did support me. At the time they did not feel it was their place to tell my husband. I believe most people feel this way. I don't think that makes them not friends of the marriage. I believe they felt that it wasn't their place to play god with my relationship.

5 months later the OM's Ex came over to me during testing and starting calling me a bitch, and threatening me in front of my students. About an hour later my husband called me and he new everything.

I realize I went slightly (to say the least) off topic. I wanted to give some backround. My (true)friends, and believe me I dont have many ATM, did not, and do not condone my actions. They do however love me, and wanted to help me, and my husband get through this.

It's difficult when someone says to give up someone that you really care about, and depend on. Especially when you are the one that caused it in the first place. My friends were not a part of my A, and didn't know about it until after it was over and later exposed. I was ashamed of myself, and didn't want anyone to know.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2012
betrayerb40
♀ Member
Member # 36071
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi whatnow, I understand what your sayng about making my husband more comfortable with my appearance. The issue for me is that these behaviors have been accuring before the A.

Issues before an A can be symptoms, but that is it and while they should be addressed at some point, I feel they muddy the water for what the real issues can be.
I understand what your saying hardlessons, and I agree to a point. I worry that if we don't address these symptoms we will get to an healthy place again.

I truly believe I will never cheat again, and yes it was only the one guy. I just don't want to get to a place where either one of us feels desperate, or wants out.

I hear people on both sites talking about how there is no excuse for an affair. I totally agree with this NOW. But 2 years ago when my A started I felt justified. I know better now how destructive the A was, therefore I will make much better decisions. However, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I want to grow old with him. I am going to move with him, and be the wife he deserves. I don't want us to make the same mistakes. I want to fix the symtoms, and make eachother happy.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that they knew and didnt tell your husband makes them not friends of the marriage. Around here,that generally means they need to go.


You say they knew,didnt support your actions,but felt it wasnt their business to tell your husband. That they supported you.

Do you understand why your husband doesn't want you around these people anymore?


The security of your husband should be your top priority.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This woman that your BH has an issue with,
Do you realize how he must feel around her, knowing she knew you betrayed him and acted as if nothing happened?

In his eyes...she aided you in deceiving him, because she knew and didn't say anything.
This is another consequence of the deception..although I know it will be hard to do, but if she makes him uncomfortable, you should consider his wish.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends, including the one my husband has a issue with did not know until it came out at my school.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear people on both sites talking about how there is no excuse for an affair. I totally agree with this NOW. But 2 years ago when my A started I felt justified. I know better now how destructive the A was, therefore I will make much better decisions. However, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I want to grow old with him. I am going to move with him, and be the wife he deserves. I don't want us to make the same mistakes. I want to fix the symtoms, and make eachother happy.

I don't disagree that the M issues need to be fixed. These issues in the M were not what led you to the A though. You said you felt justified because of the issues. Feeling justified can happen again even if the M issues are resolved. How are you going to fix you, not the M?


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2011
ungracie
♀ Member
Member # 31901
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without addressing your own issues, as to why you felt having an affair was okay, you are only putting a bandaid on a mortal wound.

What your husband was or wasn't has nothing to do with your choices.They are yours. We are all responsible for our own actions. When you point to your marriage as the real issue, you are blaming your husband. You are making your actions contingent on the state of your marriage. If you want a healthy marriage, you have to be healthy first.

I would also like to point out, that your husband post paints a very different view of the marriage DURING your affair.


Me:50BS
married 26 years
together for 29 years
DDay:04/12/10 EA/PA
Working at R

The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.
Ben Okri


Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: canada
betrayerb40
♀ Member
Member # 36071
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to IC, and MC. My husband and I have been constantly talking, and I have learned a lot about myself. I have lots insecurites and trust issues. When I think back on the A I am disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I disrespected my husband, myself, and my kids that way.

I would leave my husband before I would ever do that again. But I don't want that to happen to either one of us. He is the man I'm meant to be with. I just hope he doesn't give up, although I know I don't deserve him...


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2012
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