But if we can't fix some of the problems that made me (at the time) feel I was justified to cheat how can we truly move on, and make eachother happy??
This is not a "we fix." It's an "I need to fix." What you are saying here is that you cheated because of problems in the marriage. That's not true.
You cheated because you dealt with problems in the marriage by cheating. It was your decision-making, not the marriage, that's at fault and that's why YOU have to be fixed first.
That doesn't mean you don't have marriage problems. Everyone does. But what caused you to cheat is your own shitty choices.
One consequence of your cheating is that all marriage problems now get put on the backburner because your BH can't deal with them. He's already bleeding out from the damage caused by your A. A
Asking him to now (while he's devastated by your choice) focus on what you need from him is like saying: "Well, now that I've pounded the hell out of you good, I hope you've learned your lesson and you'll do better from now on."
Also, he will never make you truly happy. And you will never make him truly happy. That's not the role of a spouse or any other person. They do not exist to "make you happy." If you insist on that role for him, you will always be disappointed. You need to look within yourself to find your happiness- not to other people.
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
One thing I would like to add but I know this will upset my wife is that, she has felt this certain entitlement to things"IE boobs, pedicures, and so forth". I have been bothered by this for a long time but she never truly saw it was a problem and may have been why the A was able to happen. We both work hard in this life and should have things we want but am I wrong to think self entitlement is wrong? I may say I want this or that, but I do not say I deserve this or that.
Fighting2Survive, I believe your last paragraph speaks so much truth and you have no idea how many times I have said this exact same thing to her. I want to be the person who can turn her day around if its bad but I know I can't be the one to just make her happy, it is impossible.
I wish we would have found this site before all of this happened but I also know that if the person is not ready to receive the information it won't make any difference.
To my wife, I love you with all of the heart I have left, I know that my not be enough for you but its what I have to give. You have been there for me through good and bad for 18 years and I will do the same but it has to be the you that wants this and is able to let go of resentments as you want me to let go of the pain I feel now.
[This message edited by Heartbroke40 at 9:15 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)]
Heartbroke40, as your wife I wanted you to feel I deserved manicures, pedicures...etc.., because I'm your wife, and mother of your 3 (crazy) boys.. Little things like that make a women feel special.
But please don't think for one second that anything you did made me do what I did. When I say how I felt, or feel it's so I can gain insight into what I did. You are not responsible for my mistakes.
You are a wonderful man, husband and father. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. I try to explain this connection we have to other people, but damn I can't even explain it to myself. Please know that when I vent here I'm not trying to shift the blame. I am simply venting.
You don't deserve to be burdened with my issues at this time, therefore I wanted a place that I could discuss my feelings, and help me be better for you, and me both.
I think what I also neglected to mention was the incredible generosity you have shown me despite the pain I have caused you. I see your pain, and hurt, but above all I see your love.
I know you don't want to hear this, but I am sorry, for the pain I have caused you, and the strain put upon on our family as a result. I am not and never will be perfect, but I will spend the rest of our lives being the wife you deserve.
Deeply Scared and the other folks here have given you some solid advice. The best move you can make is to end the friendship as your BH has requested. I made a similar request of my FWW and would have divorced her had she failed to comply.
What are you intentions? Is this woman's friendship more important than your relationship with your husband...and by extension, your children?
Best of luck to you and your family!!
You stated a couple times during this thread that you would never cheat again on your BH.
That you understood the pain of betrayal now and would leave before doing it again.
But I saw today that your BH posted you did indeed do it again. This time a ONS with a guy from the internet in a hotel.
He said you are begging him for another chance to save the M.
I just wanted to ask you why, after the exposure of the first A and your stated desire to R and never cheat again, you decided to risk destroying your M again for meaningless sex outside of it.
Did you truly understand the gravity of what you had done the first time?
You seemed to have a sense of it, and seemed determined to not stray again.
Reading your BH's recent posts on the second A really made me feel sad for you two.
how WS's deal with the BS when they are lashing out on the details that were so painfully difficult to share in the first place?
I would think that you try to remember that however difficult they are to share, they are much more difficult to hear. WH used to liken this to me ejecting poison from my body. Like vomiting when you have the flu. Since he put the toxin there to begin with, he was kind of relieved to see it coming out. Perhaps it would help you to think of it this way.
I want to give him all access,but how do I do this without feeling controlled?
Try to look at it not as being controlled, but as your chance to prove yourself to him. And unfortunately, after a breach of trust like this, this step is very necessary.
I'm honestly uncomfortable with him reading everything I write.
My WH was too and so we made a rule to stay off of each others original threads. To not even read them. I honestly didn't see the need for it in the beginning, but since then have been very glad we decided to do that. He may be more comfortable with this idea as he becomes more familiar with SI. I completely trust the waywards here and know they are not going to give him harmful advice.
Good luck in this journey. It's a hard one.