SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post, and I'm finding it very difficult to know where to start. I feel like when I begin to talk about what I did I am somehow trying to justify it. I realize their is no justification in cheating, yet it's hard to answer my husbands questions without sounding like I'm making excuses.

My husband found out about 3 weeks ago that I had a sexual relationship with a coworker. Although it ended several months ago in my husbands mind (because he just found it), it's like it just happened. The affair was purely sexual, and although we worked at the same school, I could go weeks or months with no contact.

My husband wants to understand why, and I find it incredibly difficult to explain. In my mind, at the time I could rationalize it by blaming my husband for his past actions, or for his controlling behaviors. I now find that I am totally disqusted with myself. He wants to forgive me, and I believe he would like to move forward. I just don't feel like I desrve it.

We have been married 18 years, and for a long time I didn't feel like he was totally committed to me. I have always found it hard to trust in our love for eachother. Now, all I want is to rebuild our family, and his trust.

When I'm with him, especially intimately I feel all this intensity, and completely swept away. And the best part is I have been in love with this man almost half my life. So why have I been such a terrible wife.

Up until a couple of weeks ago I lied about everything. Although I have only been with the one other man, I have lied on so many occasions.

He took our 3 boys to visit his family, and while he was gone and I was texting another guy much younger then myself. I felt it was harmless, and had no intention of seeing him. He actually lives a few houses away, and the extent of our conversation revolved around working out and his age. (He's 20, so I was joking that the only way he could drink was if I bought him a beer). It was kind of flirty but nothing more extreme in my eyes. My husband was able to access my texts and saw this conversation. Needless to say he was livid, and was prepared to end the marriage. He then said if I would agree to move out of the state he would start over. I realized at that moment that I wanted him and our family to have a chance and that this was my only option, therefore I agreed. He also doesn't want me going back to my job, and I also agreed.

I know I'm rambling, but I really want to make this work. I have been completely open in allowing him full access to everything. I have not deleted any texts or emails. I'm just afraid that won't be enough. I'm also scared that we will move and he will realize that he can't get past my affair and decide to leave me. I will be in a state with no family, and friends. I won't be able to move because that will be my children's residence.

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for. I wish I could take back what I did, and the hurt I caused my husband.

[This message edited by betrayerb40 at 4:41 PM, July 9th (Monday)]

betrayer...

I'm a little confused.

Did the texting with the neighbor happen before or after your H discovered your A? Have you and your H sat down and discussed proper boundaries?

If you could use paragraph breaks it would really help us on this end reading

The texting happened after he found out.

I will do better with the paragraph breaks. Thanks.

I see.

So what steps have you taken to set boundaries in place so that you don't fail him again?

Have you both talked about marriage counseling?

You have alot of work ahead of you, but my best advice right out of the gate is to sit down with him and spill any and all secrets that you may be still holding back. Give him the truth on everything he asks about...it's the only way through the pain.

It's good to have you here

We started counseling two weeks ago. We will have our 3rd meeting with her tomorrow.

I have done my best to answer all his questions, although I honestly don't remember all the details.

I understand he needs to hear everything. I just feel like it hurts him more.

Hi betrayerb40

I understand he needs to hear everything. I just feel like it hurts him more.

I get that's how you feel (I really do, I mean how could it not hurt hearing the details?) although, from a BS's perspective, what we often feel is that WS's want to keep their 'secrets' (as a way of keeping the A alive if only in their mind) I know that's not always the reason but... that's often what we hear when you say "I don't want to hurt you more"

As for me, I wanted to know everything (and I mean every little detail) some BS's don't. Ask your BH how much he wants to know and perhaps (very gently) remind him once he knows he cannot unknow IYKWIM

A lot of posters here recommend doing a timeline with all the details and leaving it for your BS to read when they feel ready to know.... that might help. It may take him a while to be emotionally strong enough to know the details and it will save you having to remember it down the track if he asks for more details.

There is 'double edged sword' effect for the BS in talking about the A details, the one thing we don't want is for the WS to remember their A (fondly) and at the same time we don't want them to ever forget it (we don't want you to forget the damage done) We want you to remember the lesson learned, not the A itself IYKWIM

(sorry, that last bit came off as a bit preachy LOL)

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 5:12 PM, July 9th (Monday)]

BS here...It is painful for him to hear, but what will hurt him more is additional lies, whether by omission or intentional deceit. Do NOT make the mistake of deciding for him what he should and should not know.

I understand your feelings about moving. You need to approach it and him with absolute commitment to R, your BH and the M. That is the best chance of success imho. He is there and willing to make a new start. The move will help him deal with the triggers and that is what you need to support. If you don't move he will likely face more triggers and make his healing, which needs to be the focus, that much more difficult. You have a BH who still wants you. That is a gift many WS do not get.

As a BS myself I commend you for trying and I hope I'm correct in sensing you sincerely want R. I can tell from my pov that false R is more painful many times than the A itself.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 5:29 PM, July 9th (Monday)]

I didn't at first understand the need to divulge all the details. I now get that he needs to know everything, and I am honestly trying to give that to him. And of course it's not easy.

What I also find difficult is that my honesty has been thrown back at me. i understand he is hurting, and has every right to be angry. I guess what I want to know is how WS's deal with the BS when they are lashing out on the details that were so painfully difficult to share in the first place?

Also, I have read and spoken at length with my husband about complete transperency. In order for him to start to trust me and move on he needs to know everything I am doing. I totally get that, and understand that he needs that.

The problem I am faced with is I have often felt that he tries to control me. I have on several occassions felt like he was treating me like one the kids. We have discussed this, and he appears to be receptive. I want to give him all access,but how do I do this without feeling controlled?

He has been seeking help from a site similar to this one. He knows I'm posting, but I'm honestly uncomfortable with him reading everything I write. Is this wrong? I'm not trying to keep secrets. What I hope to gain from being on here is how to help him deal with what I have done. But more importantly I want us to rebuild and move on. I think it's important we both recognize what eachother needs to be happy.

The problem I am faced with is I have often felt that he tries to control me. I have on several occassions felt like he was treating me like one the kids. We have discussed this, and he appears to be receptive. I want to give him all access,but how do I do this without feeling controlled?

Hi betrayer and welcome

In a sense..you took away his control. You gave him no say so when you started your affair.

Now in order for him to feel like he can trust you, it is only reasonable to give him the things he asks for to rebuild that trust. As long as he is not going overboard with it.

Giving up passwords and other things shows a willingness to rebuild his trust in you.

Holding back and thinking you are being controlled sends a message that you want to harbor more secrets.

As long as his requests are reasonable and not abusive there is no harm.

It is also totally up to you if you want to do this, but if you don't..I would say your marriage would be in greater danger than it already is.

Hi and welcome betrayerb40. It sounds like you want to work through the problems and rebuild your marriage. I am a BS and there are a few things I read that my perspective might be useful to you.

My husband found out about 3 weeks ago that I had a sexual relationship with a coworker. Although it ended several months ago in my husbands mind (because he just found it), it's like it just happened. The affair was purely sexual, and although we worked at the same school, I could go weeks or months with no contact.

I found out over a decade after the A had ended and it was like it was happening right then and there. Everything I believed about my M was now not true – and I mean everything. It takes time and hard work to rebuild what was real. From what I have heard others say on here and from our MC this is normal. Also, the “purely sexual” would be what you know, but he does not know that. It will take hard work and time.

What I also find difficult is that my honesty has been thrown back at me. i understand he is hurting, and has every right to be angry. I guess what I want to know is how WS's deal with the BS when they are lashing out on the details that were so painfully difficult to share in the first place?

It took me awhile to not rage and lash out. It really took seeing my W working on figuring out why she did this for my anger to calm down some. I guess one way to look at it is if you are married, then you have a right to know and a right to be mad. With time and hard work the pain has been easier for me to work out my pain, with my wifes help sometimes, without always lashing out.

The problem I am faced with is I have often felt that he tries to control me. I have on several occassions felt like he was treating me like one the kids. We have discussed this, and he appears to be receptive. I want to give him all access,but how do I do this without feeling controlled?

I did this. I felt lost and out of control and tried to control everything. And to some extent I needed to control the fact that my W was not having an A. It is a fallacy to believe I can control that but that did not stop me from trying. It is such a confusing place to be, looking at the one person you thought you could trust and realizing you knew nothing, and you just don’t know what to believe anymore. Again hard work and time and IC has helped me work through this.

Have you done anything on your own to heal and help him heal? There are great resources in the healing library, including a list of some great books. The one that was fast, easy and helped was “how to Help your Spouse Heal From your Affair”.

I understand his need to have control over what I do now. What I meant was his controlling behavior in the past. Before my A, and before he found out.

I really do appreciate all the different perspectives I am getting. It helps me to better understand what my BS is feeling.

I do receive IC on my own, as well as MC with my husband.

Hello betrayerb40. Sorry you're here but its a good place to start.

As a WS and a compulsive liar I understand the pain of full disclosure but it is the only way. There are days, months and years ahead when it will seem like DDay was yesterday.

Anger will be the natural reaction for some time to come. Having your honesty discounted is standard. Don't expect a cookie for the truth. Its no less than your BS deserves and deserved from the start. There may be some consolation that for you (and I speak as a former compulsive liar) the honesty can be freeing and you can only benefit personally from it.

floridaredman speaks the truth in that you took away your BS's control; getting it back may be paramount for him.

It is painful for me to read my BS posts on this site but they are enlightning and provide inside into her feelings that i haven't gotten in MC.

Unfortunately, you need to understand that you'll take it on the chin for the foreseeable future. If the M means anything to you, you'll respond with compassion, understanding, and patience, and then more of all three.

Good luck to you and keep posting. This is a great place to be heard and guided, especially for us WS.

As was true in my marriage, most people have issues in the marriage that needed to be work on as well before the affair and will have to be worked on in the future to have a good marriage. It took some time for me to be ready to commit to wanting to stay in the marriage, let alone to have the emotional ability to work on our marriage. In the end, if the marriage ends up not being what I want I leave, and if it is not what she wants she leaves, IF we can’t work out whatever the issues are. I think we are at a point now where we both think we will have a marriage that we want though. MC has been very helpful in helping us work on our issues.

IMHO it takes some time for the pain to subside, and what would make it easier is seeing the wayward spouse committed to healing themselves, helping the betrayed spouse heal and then actively working on the marriage, allowing the betrayed spouse to heal enough to work on the marriage with the wayward. It seems often the betrayed ends up taking the lead instead, which makes it harder.

I understand that we need to get through the A before we can deal with other issues, but doesn't anyone feel like the other issues where part of what caused the infedelity in the first place?

I know that the A is totally on me. I understand now that if I thought my husband was that bad I should have left, however with 3 kids that is not always that easy. I am not making excuses, I truly believe my actions were unforgivable.

I also believe I, and our 3 boys have not always been treated nicely, and my husband does acknowledge this as well. I agreed to move, and will not change my mind. I do worry that if we don't work through so many of these issues we will be back to an unhappy marriage.

Initially I thought it was too soon, and I refused to move before we had a better grasp on our marriage. When he threatened to leave after I had text the neighbor I decided I owed that to him and our family.

He believes that a change of location will enable us to work through the A. What if it doesn't? What if I resent him for this ultimatum? He said he felt like I was appeasing him by moving. Of course I was. I also agreed to quit my job. This is all very scary to me. I want to do what he needs in order to move on, but what if his controlling behavior don't change? I'm thinking if anything it will get worse because of the A. How do we rebuild and give eachother what we need?

but doesn't anyone feel like the other issues where part of what caused the infedelity in the first place?

I know I don’t. Based on what my wife and I talked about last night I don’t think she does either. I have seen very few people here on SI agree with that statement. In the literature and on line reading I’ve done, it seems that if the perspective is the betrayer is truly responsible, then the betrayed is not. Both are responsible for the state of the marriage, but the A was a choice. If it was a response to the marriage, how does that response make sense? As a form of escape perhaps, but that is broken thinking I think.

I hope some WS can help you with this. From my perspective it seems that if you want to try and fix the marriage then you do need to risk ending up in a bad marriage with resentment. But very few actions are permanent. If that is where it ends up, divorce and moving back would be possible. If he is able to change some and be less controlling, can you see being happy in a marriage with him?

Gently...

Look at these two sentences:

doesn't anyone feel like the other issues where part of what caused the infidelity in the first place?

I know that the A is totally on me.

If the A was totally your choice and your failure, how did his behavior "cause" your A?

That doesn't mean you didn't have M problems prior to the A. That may or may not be the case. But that doesn't make the M problems a "cause" of the A. Your chose to handle those problems by turning to a 3rd person. There were other options. You can't blame your A on common, typical M issues. If you do, your BH would be justified (according to your reasoning) in having an A when he's dissatisfied with the M.

Also, "controlling" is a common complaint about BSs by WSs in an A or coming out of one. My FWH complained about my "controlling" behavior all the time. The reality was that I was not controlling; he was simply blameshifting his immaturity and selfishness onto me because I insisted that he could not do what he wanted when he wanted without regard for me or our son. He labelled this controlling.

The common wisdom here is that all M issues get put on the backburner until the WS has some IC under his or her belt and has time to break out of the "foggy" thinking that usually goes along with an A.

So far nothing you have said your H is asking sounds unreasonable. Quitting your job and moving are typical, reasonable requests. Transparency is reasonable.

I'm not seeing any controlling behavior here. What I am seeing is your hesitancy to put your BH front and center. You are still very much focused on what you may be sacrificing or giving up and wondering if you "have to."

This is my first response to a WS, because my WH and I are in a somewhat similar situation.

I just agreed to relocate to another state for my job. A large part of that decision, other than the fact that the job relocation does come with generous compensation, is driven by my need to "start fresh" and to "move out of this triggery place", even though OW is not in the same state and she never came near our home.

I am now upset / livid because WH is not jumping up and down when I asked him to move with me and for us to start fresh together. He wants the transition to be logistically easier and to make sure we like the new location by initially considering to stay behind for a few months. I think he also worries that I am on an emotional roller coaster and could change my mind about R later on.

I understand some rationality of the argument, but all I could think of right now is WTF? WH put everything at risk when he had an A, and now he wants to hedge and to be cautious?! The way I see it is: it's about time that WH puts himself on the line and in full vulnerability to show his commitment!

Think about it: I am moving out of the state because his A is triggering me all the time and causing further damage to our M! My moving with him is part of my commitment of us starting over! And rationally I should relocate to another city, which is the center of my industry, but that city is too close to OW: so I have to avoid that. And he is feeling insecure and wants to protect himself?! WTF?! If you are truly remorseful and want this M to work, you give all you have left, however little there is!

Just a BS' perspective.

Thank you overimpossible. What you said makes a lot of sense. I am aprehensive about moving, but that's not going to stop me.

All I want is to put my marriage and family back together. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Good luck to you.

What exactly does his "controlling" look like? It is very subjective.