Topic: What do I do now?
♀ New Member
Member # 36136
| Posted: 9:18 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
So. I'm Amy. Almost six weeks from the day. Father's Day, actually, and a week before our sixth wedding anniversary. He's living with her now. Says he loves me, but he's in love with her. Whatever that means.
Anyway, I'm doing... okay. Went to my doctor the next day to go back on anti-depressants (been on before, just not since I became a happily married woman... does that count as ironic or just really, really sad?), and get something to help me sleep (I'm only taking a whole tablet - 0.5 mg of Xanax - to try to make up for the sleep I'm missing during the week). And I was in with a counsellor on Thursday. So, there's that.
I just don't really have anyone I can talk to. I have a few people at work who know - mostly because it was hard to miss the intermittent sobbing through the week, and some I told why and some I didn't, but I'm pretty sure everyone knows by now. At least they're not ALL asking stupid questions like "How are you doing?" But none of them - at least the ones that I KNOW know, and the ones that will try to talk to me about it - have ever been in this situation. So I'm mostly ignoring their, frankly, contradicting advice. He'll come back, he won't come back, you should file for divorce, blah, blah, blah.
What should I do? Do I hope that he'll come back? I mean, I AM, because apparently I'm pathetic that way - but SHOULD I be? Even if he does, can I ever trust him again? Should I talk to a lawyer? We have two kids - our daughter is nearly five, and our son is three and a half, and everyone keeps terrifying me with warnings that he could take the kids one day for a visit and file for divorce himself and just not give them back. So, should I talk to a lawyer anyway, even if I don't want to file? And how much will that cost? And how do I pay for that, considering the only source of outside help I may have financially is the family I haven't even TOLD yet?
And, of course, with all that, I'm trying not to let this hurt the kids. Trying to not be a basket case in front of them, letting them see their father as often as he wants (even if those visits include HER, which I'm digging my feet into pretty hard - I don't want to keep them from him, he's a good father and I'd be hurting them as much as him that way, maybe more, but I really, really, REALLY don't want them around HER). I have to put my kids first, above all else. I don't want this to hurt then at all - which is impossible, they're already crying for at least ten minutes every time he drops them back off at home - but at the very least I need to minimise it.
And, of course, this is all the kind of thing I would have gone to him with as little as two months ago. My best friend. And now he has her to talk to all his problems with, and I have a handfull of people who only think they know what they would do in my situation, and a counsellor I only see once every two weeks
So... what do I do now?
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Missouri
Member # 36087
| Posted: 9:29 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
I am so sorry you are going through this.
What should I do? Do I hope that he'll come back? I mean, I AM, because apparently I'm pathetic that way - but SHOULD I be? Even if he does, can I ever trust him again? Should I talk to a lawyer?
You need to do what is best for you and the kids. I know you want him back but you have to take care of you. Make every day the best you can for yourself. In the healing library you will see a description of the 180. I think this will help in your case. Talking to a lawyer is not a bad idea. You don't have to file for divorce but you can file an order to make sure he provides for you and the kids financially while you are separated. You can give him an ultimatum but be prepared for what you might not want to hear. If he does return home I suggest getting into marriage counseling immediately. Independent counseling would be good too. The healing process is long but trust can be rebuild and forgiveness can happen if both parties are willing.
Status - Working on it
d-day- April 21, 12
Posts: 180 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Southeast
Member # 17484
| Posted: 9:51 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
My story is similar to yours.
I'm going to say some things that may be tough to hear, but I mean them with gentleness, and concern for you and the kids.
Please know that. Plus. I'm a little angry for you.
- he is not a good father. Good father's do not abandon their families.
- you have been abandoned, and he is delaying you from taking action, calling him on his shit, by saying completely meaningless things. "ILY" PLEASE!
- get to a L. Seriously. Draw up papers that forbid him from taking the kids anywhere near her. Do you know what lesson they're learning?
Find you spine. Get angry. Protect yourself.
You have the upper hand -
HE HAS ABANDONED YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!
I know I'm saying it forcefully. Many Divorces never reach the conclusion, but HE'D need to be doing A LOT of head-out-of-ass-pulling
to make that so.
You need to put on the big girl panties, I know it's hard, and we can help you do that.
You really are being abused.
Imagine. Your best move.
Now imagine it used against you.
Posts: 4390 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Member # 32211
| Posted: 9:58 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
Well you now have a truck load of people to talk to at all hours of the night who understand exactly where you are right now.
I can't tell you whether he will be back or won't be back but I will tell you that you do NOT need to bend over backwards for him to ensure he knows the door is open. If that makes sense. Sometimes we don't want to rock the boat for fear of pushing WS away further and in the process we end up losing respect for ourselves. I know cause I speak from experience.
I think right now you don't need to make major decisions as in ie... File for divorce, but you definitely need to go see a lawyer. PRONTO. You need to know your rights. Remember you are not going there to file for divorce you are going there to speak to someone to calm some of your fears.
I would create a schedule that works for you, don't worry about his schedule, as far as seeing the kids. I would also ask a lawyer about what rights there are as far as no OW contact for the kids right now as they don't know what's going on and need time to adjust to mommy and daddy not living together anymore let alone an OW!
180 him hard. And try to occupy your mind. Book a vacation with his credit card if you have to. Or tell his sorry ass he is paying for it and will be paying for it from now on!
Life for him and her may seem rosey right now. That's why you need to stop being compliant and start showing him what it really is to leave a wife and two kids in the dust. Flex your muscle, and whether you know it or not, you are quite muscular right now!
Chin up! You have come to the right place for support
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 32209
| Posted: 10:16 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
You're getting good advice. See a lawyer. You and your kids need financial and legal protection. Don't worry about the cost right now. Use credit or ask a family member for help if you have one. A lawyer can draw up visitation and bill payments/ child support. 180 his ass while you're doing this. Good fathers don't leave their kids: JMHO. You don't have to file for D yet, but I do think you need a legal S right now. He loves himself most of all, so you need to start loving yourself. JMO, but I'd be telling the world if my husband left. You need support of family and friends. Hugs to you. So sorry you're here.
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.
Posts: 819 | Registered: May 2011
♀ New Member
Member # 36136
| Posted: 12:13 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
Thank you all. I'll see about seeing a lawyer this week, even if only to talk about possibilities.
I probably should have mentioned, but I think it needs to go in the special situation forum, but we're still working on getting is permanent resident green card. The whole process has been dragged out due to some really bad legal advice by a lawyer I think was just incompetent and not necessarily malicious, and has been denied once (now pending appeal) because we couldn't get his long form birth certificate from his country of origin. We had to file the request twice because they could find it. Which is what the appeal is based on.
So, I'm a little worried about talking to a lawyer, and definitely concerned about actually filing anything. While it might be satisfying to my anger to have him deported, I go back to the "hurting the kids more than him" thing. At least he's helping with finances at the moment, and seeing the kids (frankly more than he was before he moved out - I guess he has more free time now that he's with her all the time). Neither of which he can do from another continent.
So... I guess I'll be seeing two lawyers - Immigration and Divorce.
And, maybe tell my family? I still have hope (stupid, I know) that he'll come to his senses and come back, and then we can work through this with counselling and time. I'm afraid that if I do tell them, and we do get to the point that we can try to work it out, my family will be far less forgiving and willing to let us. Although my Dad was cheated on by my Mom (who passed away a few years ago), and my brother was cheated on by his wife, and both of them worked through it, so maybe I'm worrying (and protecting some future version of my WH by keeping it from them) for nothing.
So, family... maybe. Lawyers, definitely. If nothing else, if there's a way for me to make it illegal for him to have the kids around his new girlfriend, I need to do that for all three of us.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Missouri
Member # 21737
| Posted: 3:21 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012|
Oh, at this point, there absolutely is a way to keep your children away from the OW. The lawyer will tell you all about it. Also, most lawyers will see you for the first consultation free, so that is helpful.
As far as the immigration is concerned - if something happens in that regard, it won't be because of you. He is playing with fire in that regard right now.
Take care and please go see that lawyer ASAP.
Posts: 1191 | Registered: Nov 2008
♀ New Member
Member # 36153
| Posted: 10:05 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012|
I really dont know what to say to take your pain away. All i can say is that you deserve better. Things may look really icky right now and will take alot of your emotional stamina just to get through but you have 2 beautiful children who love you no matter what. It is ok to show your kids that you are hurting. My kids are just beautiful when I tell them that mum just needs some time to herself because she is feeling sad. After i am in my room for about 15 minutes, my youngest will come in and give me a big hug and say "I love you, Mum." It is these times that I remember who I am and that my purpose in life is to live it well and be happy.
If he has shacked up with OW and says he still loves you, sounds like he is what they commonly call a cake-eater. Dont be his cake. Your heart and your head need to collaborate on this one and decide the best future for you and your kids. Happiness is for the taking even if a lot of pain has to come first. This is not your fault and never will be. You can move on from this and how you decide to do this is completely up to you.
I am nobody's safety blanket. Me and my kids are not door mats. We are worth it!
Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 28554
| Posted: 11:01 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012|
You don't need to see an immigration lawyer, HE does. You don't need to clean up his mess, HE does.
Get a custody and support order. Protect yourself and your children.
Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more
Posts: 3963 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 35276
| Posted: 11:57 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012|
you have sound advise. STOP talking to him. PERIOD. Tell him if he needs to speak to you it is to only be regarding finances and the children. You no longer wish to speak to him regarding ANYTHING ELSE, including immigration. That is to be HIS BUSINESS ONLY FROM HERE ON OUT. No matter what he says do not respond unless its about the children. Do not let him tell you "ily" and respond back to it, especially if he's fucking (scuse me) the OW. Thats such a cake eater. In the dictionary..his picture might as well be plastered under the definition.
Yes lawyer up fast. Get all the info you can. HE HAS ABANDONED YOU. HE has forfieted his home, much of his money (stash some away if you can, take it out in cash here and there, no lump sums...smaller amounts just a few hundred here and there if you can..eat light, say its groceries, a repair on the roof, a repair on the car..whatever)
Do not let him abuse you any further. Lets put it this way...you have to show him what life will be like with NO CONTACT FROM YOU. If he decides he likes that, then what future did you have anyway? More wasted time? Many WS are in a fog of the affair, and are like toronados thinking they are fierce, but who the hell wants a toronado???
By ignoring him, it sends a clear message that you are a strong woman, that you will not be second fiddle to any other woman period. You are the queen of your household and he is NOBODY to you if he isnt who he is supposed to be. A father and a husband who loves his family and would fight till the death to protect them.
He's hurting you..he's an asshat of a tornado!
Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs
Posts: 738 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
Member # 35593
| Posted: 10:32 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012|
See a lawyer, tell about the immigration status and get full custody immediately. You want to insure that he does not up and leave and take them with him. That possibility combined with the abandonment should get you full custody. His status is his to own since he chose to leave. Let him straighten it out. I am scared for your children.
Married 30 years
Together trying to R
OW 35 never married desperate ho
DDay 1 Nov 2010 found messages. Confesses EA
DDay 2 March 15, 2011 confesses PA
2 adult children
Posts: 522 | Registered: May 2012
|Topic Posts: 11|