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Topic: liking the ones who poof, etc.
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Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132 |  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 |     |
while not having chemistry with the ones who call and e-mail and like us 
Just wondering if I am the only one running into this. I never dealt with this during pre-marriage dating. I don't know if it's the not knowing what happened that keeps me thinking about them but for some reason I have chemistry with the ones who poof. Probably should broach this in IC...
Leaving soon on vacation - yay!!
Anyone having this come up?
Posts: 1752 | Registered: Feb 2008 |
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888 |  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
IDK if it's the same, but I have the problem of always wanting the one that I know I can't have.
Sounds so high school, and I hate it... but I have found myself in that position yet again...
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson
Posts: 19573 | Registered: Aug 2006 |
tennispro4
♀ Member
Member # 27842 | | Posted: 12:59 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
I've had times like that, where I felt like the guys I liked didn't like me, and the guys that liked me I didn't really like as much.
I think it's just one of those things, and you have to slog through it until everything falls into place.
I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it
Posts: 1137 | Registered: Mar 2010 |
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949 | | Posted: 1:03 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
The issue for me was that my picker was wrong. I thought that I had chemistry with certain people but it was based off of my broken picker and I would let people slip away that I my have actually had good chemistry with because I was telling myself they weren't right.
Posts: 850 | Registered: Oct 2010 |
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616 | | Posted: 1:03 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Do you really feel ready for a relationship? Sometimes the poofers and the emotionally unavailable types are more appealing when you aren’t quite ready for a relationship or don’t value yourself as highly as you should.
Posts: 2190 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun |
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870 | | Posted: 1:09 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
I have found that I've been drawn to emotionally or physically unavailable people. In my case, its a self-protective measure to keep myself from getting hurt.
I have recognized this, and am trying to correct this flaw in my picker. But I am still so afraid of future emotional devastation. 
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
Posts: 5585 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA |
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894 | | Posted: 1:14 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
many "poofers" are really good at telling you what you want to hear, making you feel really great, establishing what feels like a connection...and then poofing. it's manipulative and it works, especially when you are vulnerable.
http://actionfiguretrish.com/
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Posts: 3917 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast |
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810 | | Posted: 1:47 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
It's also easy to blow up the "unavailable" in our minds as something they're not. They can become a proxy for a fantasy that isn't really about them.
"No girl who plays the role of the hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is; she just forgot for a little while." -my awesome pastor | I edit to correct my iPad's "corrections"
Posts: 11462 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Washington, DC |
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358 | | Posted: 4:23 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
I've found with women that there's something about them (maybe men, too) that turns them on when they perceive that we're not into them. Chemistry is rather easy to create when you don't give a damn about the person's feelings, too.
When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.
Posts: 1618 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest |
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341 | | Posted: 4:29 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
from http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Wallin22.html
Why we want what we can't have:
1. Heightened attention: When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it. Notice that when you are on a restricted diet, you sometimes get too focused on what you “can’t” eat. This heightened attention -- which can escalate into obsession -- makes the forbidden food seem very important. Your inner brat takes advantage of this, and tries to convince you that you MUST have that chocolate or pizza.
2. Perceived scarcity: When something is scarce or in short supply, its perceived value increases. You want it more because you think other people also want it. If you’ve ever bid at auctions or on eBay, you know the experience of that last-minute excitement as you watch the bids spiral upward. The more people who bid, the more you’re willing to pay for the item. Your inner brat wants it at any price.
3. “Psychological Reactance”: People don’t like to be told they can’t have or can’t do something. It’s related to not wanting to be controlled by others, especially if the situation feels unfair or arbitrary. The “reactance” is both emotional and behavioral.
The emotional part is your inner brat saying, “Oh yeah? I can’t have what I want? Just try and stop me!”
The behavioral component is what you do about it, which usually involves some type of rebellious reaction. You see this with teenagers whose parents have forbidden them to date certain people. Reactance also explains why a “Wet Paint” sign always invites unwanted fingerprints on the newly painted surface.
Next time you don’t get what you want, ask yourself whether one of the above factors has influenced your desire. If so, let go of the pursuit. Your inner brat won’t be happy, but ultimately (in the words of the Rolling Stones,) you “might just find [that] you get what you need.”
DDay 11/17/2010 BW:51
Divorced
"Honesty knows no compromise, one is either honest or dishonest, either steals or doesn't, either lies or tells the truth." Harold Warp
Posts: 2192 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa |
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132 | | Posted: 5:26 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
My friends all keep telling me it's a numbers game and I have to keep dating and eventually one of the ones I like will like me.
I've totally had this happen more than once:
telling you what you want to hear, making you feel really great, establishing what feels like a connection...and then poofing
This likely is what is happening with my last poofer:
It's also easy to blow up the "unavailable" in our minds as something they're not. They can become a proxy for a fantasy that isn't really about them.
So nice to have a place to come and talk about these issues  Thanks!!
Au revoir for 2 weeks  [This message edited by Why?? at 5:27 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)]
Posts: 1752 | Registered: Feb 2008 |
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810 | | Posted: 6:03 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Maybe you'll go meet a beautiful parisian man and never come home.
*sigh*
Are you sure I won't fit in your suitcase? 
"No girl who plays the role of the hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is; she just forgot for a little while." -my awesome pastor | I edit to correct my iPad's "corrections"
Posts: 11462 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Washington, DC |
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299 | | Posted: 8:42 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
telling you what you want to hear, making you feel really great, establishing what feels like a connection...and then poofing
Oh yeah, Why??, I am thinking this is the reality of the dating world these days.
I think some people (girls and guys), based on insecurities or other issues, like to prove to themselves they are desirable and needed. One they have that confirmation, they can *poof*. They got what they needed emotionally: confirmation that they are desired.
For others It's the hunt itself, not the relationship that is exciting to them. That's why books like "Why Men Love Bitches" tell woman to play hard to get for as long as they can. Some guys love the challenge of conquering the unconquerable. It's the way some men are wired.
Personally, I am sick of these "games" even though some of these guys don't even know they are playing them. I am taking a dating break for a few months. It takes thick skin to date, and a lot of patience.
True happiness comes from within, not from someone else. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy
Posts: 1257 | Registered: Oct 2008 |
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132 | | Posted: 7:50 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I know, Ama...that would be awesome A girl can dream anyway
Yeah, HUM, I've read that book. Funny thing is with this last poofer in the beginning I wasn't too into him and then once I was he lost interest. Also tired of the games!
Posts: 1752 | Registered: Feb 2008 |
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810 | | Posted: 8:14 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012 | |
in the beginning I wasn't too into him and then once I was he lost interest. Also tired of the games!
Gently here, but to some extent, this is your own brain playing games, not just the guy.
"No girl who plays the role of the hero dates a guy who uses her. She knows who she is; she just forgot for a little while." -my awesome pastor | I edit to correct my iPad's "corrections"
Posts: 11462 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Washington, DC |
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132 | | Posted: 8:28 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I guess what I was meaning to say was that the physical chemistry took awhile for me to grow. Oh, well...outta the US dating pool for bit
Posts: 1752 | Registered: Feb 2008 |
| Topic Posts: 16 | |
