|
|
|
|
 |
- |
| - |
|
|
|
|
User
|
Topic: 2 year affair + multiple EA + sexual abuse
|
salemp
♂ New Member
Member # 36352 |  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 |     |
I discovered my wife's other life yesterday at 11 am. I haven't slept or eaten yet I know that's bad.
She has been having an affair (sexual and emotional) with a married man she met through Ashley Madison sine June 2010. She was sexually abused and threatened by her grandfather as a girl. She had many other online conversations with other men.
I read all the details. She made up a false life including imaginary people and events to play with her lovers.
I own half our marriage issues. I have a low EQ and am introverted. I tried to get us counselling but she did it while having the affair. It helped me to see that the affair is not my fault. I am a good person. Loyalty, trust, integrity are important to me.
I am devastated... our two boys are away for now. She has been remorseful and wants to get help, quit him and work on us.
I am lost.
I am nothing.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012 | hurting7897
♀ Member
Member # 34761 | | Posted: 9:26 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
Dear salemp, you are NOT nothing!!! I'm so sorry for your pain but I am glad you found us here. Please keep reading so you can help heal. What she did is NOT your fault!! You did not drive her to make her choice to have an A. She could've handled things differently. I pray you see this soon and if your IC hasn't helped you see this I recommend getting a new IC ASAP!!!
Please read the Healing Library. I know how you feel. All of us on here know how you feel and please keep posting. You will get through this. We are here for you 24/7.
Hugs to you.
http://inflictedandconflicted.blogspot.com/
Married 19 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R. Both still in IC/MC
Posts: 212 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: wisconsin | Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243 | | Posted: 9:38 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
I am glad to read that you are not blaming yourself and realize you can't fix issues that seem to be deeply rooted into her childhood.
Whatever happens, I suggest that if your children are young, that you do not leave her alone for extended times with them. One of her Ashley Madison hookups can show up at the door (follow behind her car to see where she lives after a hookup), and these types are sometimes predators who are looking for women with kids to become involved with because they are interested more in the kids than the adult.
Or she could leave them alone for long periods of time, to meet an Ashley Madison hookup, where the kids (if little) could hurt themselves accidentally, or choke on food, and no one would be around to call 911.
This may sound like an over-the-top reaction, but if you've read enough newspaper headlines lately or if you have friends who are social workers who have seen all kinds of horrors children endure from parents' poor choices from drug use to bringing home strangers who assault the kids, then you will understand that while your wife may love and never want to hurt the kids, she is too sick to have clear judgment, otherwise she wouldn't be hooking up with strangers who could have diseases and be violent.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 5:52 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]
Posts: 1855 | Registered: Dec 2011 | HeavyE
♂ Member
Member # 19333 | | Posted: 3:29 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.
Speak with an attorney. Find out what you and your children's rights are. Even if you don't file, there is strength and peace of mind in doing this.
There is a strange relationship between sexual abuse and sexual addiction or infidelity. My wife was abused by a youth pastor when she was 15. I will add that this was not known by me or anyone in her family until after d-day. She sought help and has removed that demon.
I strongly suggest she gets into some kind of counseling immediately. If she won't go, you have a tough road ahead of you.
Remember to H.A.L.T.
Hungry - Eat. Doesn't have to be a full meal. Just get something in you. If you can't eat, drink Ensure or other food supplementals.
Angry - Don't act on anger. Be careful of your words and actions. Exercise will help.
Lonely - Spend time with your children or a trusted friend. Take up a hobby.
Tired - Rest. Sleep. You may need to look into anti-depressants and sleep aids.
Please know that you are not at fault. She owns this 100%. You can not be blamed.
Assuming that reconciliation is your goal at minimum you need:
No Contact with the other married man. A formal no contact letter needs to be sent with wording of any additional contact will result in legal action to brought forward.
Full Disclosure - Answer any and all questions you have regardless of how many times you ask
Transparency - Full access to all methods of communication including all e-mail addresses, phone/text incoming/outgoing with you being the only one that can delete.
Be sure that she is tested for communicable diseases. Make this mandatory.
I also suggest that you find a way to expose the other man to his wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. JUST DO IT. Affairs thrive on secrecy. She has a right to know and needs to know so she can protect herself.
You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Me Tarzan
Her Jane
Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08
Posts: 9543 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music | Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349 | | Posted: 3:38 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
You are not nothing, salemp.
Even though you are feeling the emotional consequences of your Wayward Wife's actions, this is hers to own completely, and has nothing to do with you as a person.
Right now, her Affair(s) trump any marital issues you have been experiencing. DO NOT take responsibility for this.
The most important thing you can do in these first excruciating days is to try and take care of yourself and your sweet boys.
You are NOT alone. We all felt worthless, hopeless, sick and scared when we first found out. You can get through this. It's hard, but we're all here for you.
Check out this thread for people who have just found out, and have no idea which way is up:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=120134
Come and post often. Ask questions or just vent. We've been where you are, and we can help.
You are most certainly something. You are a individual, with important qualities. You are a daddy. That is something special.
Hugs and strength.
(((salemp)))
BS - 34
FWH - 32 (Crazz)
Limbociliation - today, 82% R.
Sarcasm is the body's natural response to stupidity. - Some Shirt I Saw Today
Posts: 9373 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California | salemp
♂ New Member
Member # 36352 | | Posted: 9:35 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
Day 2 ... the pain is still horrible but I can function.
Thanks to all of you I feel a lot less lonely being here. I go from grief to anger to numbness.
My wife knows about this forum and my userid. Somebody suggested otherwise however I don't want to keep things secret in our marriage 2.0.
My wife has also been a model WS since I found out, based on what I have read. She is doing anything/everything in her power to reconcile and show remorse. I don't think she realizes how hard maintaining this energy will be long term but for now it's one day at a time.
I really wish she had told me instead of me finding out. My trust is gone. The first 15 years of our marriage is reset and we are on day 2 of marriage 2.0.
I did drink and sleep a bit. I am still not hungry. I see eating as a return to normalcy I am not ready for yet. I know that is wrong so I will eat soon.
We spent today getting tested for STDs and starting counselling. We picked up my son from camp together and have spent most time together.
I still want her around me I can't think about her leaving to go anywhere. Trust = 0 still. This can't continue I realize but it's so hard.
We are going to my parent's boat for the weekend as originally planned. We have not told anyone about the A. I need help from you all on this. I am not able to 'fake' acting normal--I know I will appear sad to them--should I go against my feelings and try to act a little normal? We are going to tell them we are working more on our marriage but not about the A. They agreed to take our one boy (who is not at camp) while we go to dinner so we can talk alone. I have a phone call IC appt. at that time as well.
I think I can do this, I wonder if things are moving too quickly. I am still stunned.
The rest of the weekend will be a distraction and time with my family which I need and I have read here is a good thing.
one of her hookups see where [we] live ... she is too sick to have clear judgment, otherwise she wouldn't be hooking up with strangers who could have diseases and be violent
I have thought of that. She has revealed everything to me and wants to reconcile. I know where the OM and his family live (same city) so am assuming he will know where I live as well. She chose a hookup whose wife works in the school where my older son is attending and in a school district in which I work. This is not good. Do we need to move? ... I can't bear thinking about that.
My wife was abused ... she sought help and has removed that demon ... suggest she gets into some kind of counseling immediately.
I hope the counselling she is getting will help. She signed up today--both for the abuse and the affair. That is a huge step for her she has never really had any serious counselling for her abuse.
Remember to H.A.L.T.
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Thanks I needed that. I will eat. I have not really made many decisions, and want to make most of them with her. I want us to be more integrated in marriage 2.0. She is giving me full power/control of everything right now but this can't last as we need to become a partnership again (even though she has betrayed me horribly) if we want to move on.
No Contact with the other married man.
She sent the NC email to her lover and all the others she was corresponding with.
I have made new passwords to her other accounts. I can check but agreed I will not go through all the emails/texts she sent unless she is there to answer questions.
When/how/should I go through all that correspondence?
She has told me anything I have asked. I have only read 10% of it but I feel like I know 80% of what happened. Is it worth going through all that pain/details? She says she was another person in those emails and it is true she made up lies and posed as somebody she was not. She thinks she has split her personality based on the abuse. I can understand that but I'm not a professional. I just hope the counselling can help her. She is afraid of being labelled as mentally ill or taking drugs.
I am torn between wanting to love her, helping her and wanting to end everything. So far I have been acting based on the former.
Full Disclosure
Transparency
She has let me see everything so far. I know it is a strain on her but this is marriage 2.0 now. She let me put a tracker on her phone but she works out of town and could leave her phone anywhere she likes.
At some point, trust and integrity will have to overcome whatever it was inside her that made her decide to do this affair and repeat it.
expose the other man to his wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. JUST DO IT. Affairs thrive on secrecy. She has a right to know and needs to know so she can protect herself.
I agree 100%. The OM had unprotected sex with my wife and other women. That alone is enough for me to tell her.
The OM told her his wife has mental issues about sex, that he is a good husband to her but has needs and that his wife is open about their relationships. My wife didn't realize that this was Ashley Madison bullshit. My wife was incredibly foolish and realizes it now.
Still, it is very hard for me to accept that she was in bed with him 72 hours ago and today has done a 180 in every way. We have only just begun and she has a long way to go.
Still day 2 has been better than day 1 so I'll take it.
try and take care of yourself and your sweet boys.
I will.
I cry a lot ... I am not a man's man but I have a solid core.
There is one thing that is killing me and I need to know. I have no friends I can talk to about this except all of you. I just need to know if anyone out there is true and decent???
Right now, it feels like everyone in the world runs around and does this and I am the only one who is sitting alone being trying to be faithful in my marriage.
What is the world coming to? Why? Help me. Please I can't stand this pain.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012 | salemp
♂ New Member
Member # 36352 | | Posted: 9:35 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
[This message edited by salemp at 9:38 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012 | PhoenixReborn
♂ Member
Member # 22135 | | Posted: 10:17 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012 | |
Welcome, sorry you are here.
Please look out for yourself and health as no 1 priority.
Good you had std tests but HIV needs to have the initial test done 3 months after the last sexual exposure.
I strongly urge you to protect yourself by not having unprotected sex with her till after she tests clean for stds and HIV in three months time.
Also, make sure she is not pregnant to OM, possibly as a requirement of R.
So pregnancy testing this month, and any pregnancy now then is assumed to be OM baby and handled accordingly, this is where not having sex with her helps as is takes you out of the equation as being a potential father
Think worst case and be wary of seduction attempts, To minimize the chances of her trying to pass off an OC as yours (either out of fear or selfishness).
Have you asked her what she would have done if she got pregnant?
I agree tell the OM wife ASAP.
This will also test whether your WW is really NC.
Her reaction afterwards will tell you a lot too, this is why it is important to not tell your WW that this will be/ has been exposed to OM wife.
Good luck. PR
Me - XBF 38 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-
Posts: 1093 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia | SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 | | Posted: 7:32 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Re: email & chats etc.
I'd recommend copying & pasting all of them into a secure file your WW doesn't have access to. That way nothing will magically 'disappear' or 'accidentally' be erased. It's your choice whether or not to read them. Trickle truth & minimizing are very very common, particularly with WS' who compartmentalize very well (sexual abuse survivors are among people who excel at this).
Also, there is a thread for BH's down in the I Can Relate Forum. You might want to go down there for support.
~ Sabina
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC | Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349 | | Posted: 2:05 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I cry a lot ... I am not a man's man but I have a solid core.
Crying through this has nothing to do with being a man or a woman - any human is going to have deep pain over this. It's ok, let it out.
I'm glad that day 2 is "better." I remember when "good" days were days that I only cried three times. It gets better. The emotions are going to come at you like a roller coaster - up down up down.
Cut yourself as much slack as possible to get through this experience. Now is the time to take a good look at your worth and dig out that inner strength that has gotten you through hard times in the past.
You can do it. We're here for you.
(((salemp)))
BS - 34
FWH - 32 (Crazz)
Limbociliation - today, 82% R.
Sarcasm is the body's natural response to stupidity. - Some Shirt I Saw Today
Posts: 9373 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California | attempt2survive
♀ New Member
Member # 28412 | | Posted: 5:11 AM, August 5th (Sunday), 2012 | |
You asked if there are any real people out there... and I just wanted to say that I know there are, because I am :) I had my first kiss in 9th grade, my second kiss was my hubby 2 months before we married when I was 28 years old. I have never been with anyone other than my husband. I'm 47 now.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2010 | hurting7897
♀ Member
Member # 34761 | | Posted: 9:55 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012 | |
Dear ((salemp)) I was so glad to see you posted an update. I know I'm not the only one who's been worried about you. I'm glad we are here for you and you are doing better. I am six months out of d-day #3 and can't believe I've come so far. It is literally ONE DAY AT A TIME, SOMETIMES ONE MINUTE AT A TIME. Be patient with yourself; you are doing well with the crap that you've had to handle.
Yes, remember we are all here for you and we BS have been through feelings like yours and have survived.
My thoughts---since my FWH had early abuse issues as well, she may suffer from Dissociate Identity Disorder. I hope that she is in IC and you as well. For us, MC wasn't even an option as I knew he needed to do the hard work to convince me I had reason to stay. I needed more than an NC letter and passwords and apologies to convince me he was worth staying with. (we have kids too).
I also went on AD's (I was SO angry I needed them!!) but they have helped me SO much. I recommend them to help you cope, especially since you have kids.
Sadly, you may not have all the info yet. My FWH trickle-truthed me for 3 months and I though it would kill me. It wasn't about not wanting to hurt me as much as not wanting to feel his own pain. Take things slowly and don't believe everything she tells you.
Please allow yourself time alone to feel and heal, and yes, all the advice on here from other BS please consider taking seriously. We all care about you.
Hugs to you and your boys.
http://inflictedandconflicted.blogspot.com/
Married 19 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R. Both still in IC/MC
Posts: 212 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: wisconsin | salemp
♂ New Member
Member # 36352 | | Posted: 9:47 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012 | |
Unbelievable ... day 3 was one of the most incredible and happy days of my life. I still can't believe it but some part of my personality changed forever. Day 4 was a mostly down day and today (day 5) has been pretty good.
But I need to go back to day 3!
To explain, first of all, my WW has been nothing short of astonishing in terms of telling/revealing all, committing to R and counselling, submitting herself to transparency (everything short of an exploding tracking bracelet!) and basically doing anything and everything in her power to show and tell that she both loves me and is committed to rebuilding our marriage.
I am very lucky and feel sorry for others who have to struggle for R, my wife is 100% there.
I finally got some sleep and woke up day 3 feeling free and full of opportunity.
My wife (wrongly) had this affair to satisfy her loneliness. I had learned a lot about the OM ... he was an a-hole in many ways but in others he was just another guy (like me) with good and bad parts. One of the good parts was he bantered easily with my wife and she needed that contact. I had been withdrawn and passive for years. I was a "beta" not "alpha" male.
But for that morning I felt like my life was suddenly full of opportunity and possibility. I *still* wanted to reconcile with my wife, but because it was only day 3 I felt like I had virtually nothing to lose. I felt like I had the world by the tail and could do/say/think whatever I wanted. I was going to be more "alpha" from now on and forever.
I showered, shaved and put on some nice clothes (I *never* do that on holiday mornings).
I ate a good breakfast, cleaned it up, took care of some neglected household duties and went out back to think in the garden. (again, something I would never do)
When my wife woke up and found me outside she said she couldn't believe how confident and relaxed I looked.
We then sat down and talked for 3 hours about *EVERYTHING* we had never talked about before. I told her my feelings about everything that popped into my mind and she did the same. We had both decided that our new marriage was going to be open and honest and we certainly lived that. We talked about our fears, desires, secrets and stories that we had never shared in 15 years of marriage!
Her - the reasons behind her "triggers"
Me - traits of women which attract me
Her - minor lesbian tendencies (!) :-)
Me - my early sex life
I learned that there is a LOT more to my wife that I didn't know and she learned that I am not the passive monk she thought I was either.
We decided (together) to go ahead with our planned weekend away and went to pack.
As we prepared I suddenly (like some kind of enlightenment) started doing all the things to prepare I had never done before (e.g., pack the food, get our son's clothes ready, pack the extra ice in the cooler she always likes). I just took the initiative and did things without her even asking that she always had to nag me to do. I did these things freely because they simply needed doing and with a happy energy. Most importantly, I did some things to prepare that *I* felt were important and did not feel one iota of need to get her approval (e.g., lock the garage).
I should add here that I think my body had been given so much stress over the previous 48 hours that it had released some incredible adrenalin or other hormones that made me feel incredibly light, free and energized. I didn't need to eat or sleep and felt like I could talk and go forever.
On the drive up (while my son had on his headphones and turned up the radio) we again whispered in the front seat to each other for hours like two lovers on a first date getting to know each other.
She told me more about 'alpha' and 'beta' personalities (she had read a lot about this which I never knew). I revealed my own triggers. We came up with solutions for several long-term, nagging issues in our marriage (e.g., expressing emotion (me), use of swearing/sarcasm (her), being able to ask for help (me), respecting our eldest son (her) ... all because we were perfectly honest about our the feelings behind the issues and had the motivation to get beyond blame/stonewalling and get to some solutions.
I had my first IC (phone call) and (surprisingly) did not have any explosions of sadness or anger. I was calm and told our story and the therapist reassured that what I had felt and done was normal and sane.
Once we arrived my parents took our son for dinner (bless them) and we had an overdue anniversary date night of dinner/talk and then a long walk/talk afterward by the lake.
Again ... more sharing ... more exploration of our past ... more understanding of the affair ... and new things too. I socialized with the owners of the restaurant (formerly would *never* do that). I pointed out the women in the room that attracted me (much to my wife's happy amazement). She showed me how to recognize when a woman is 'hitting' on you (I am clueless) and why she had pushed away some of her closest friends (I never understood).
None of these topics were anything but liberating because we both knew that for the first time in our marriage we were both being 100% honest with each other and sharing our thoughts, even if there was some short-term pain because the long-term price of secrecy and holding back is worse.
My wife was incredibly happy to be in my company. I was social, funny, talkative ... we both had an amazing night.
My biggest fear from day 3 was that it was too many good things too fast and could not be real. That turned out to be partially true because I went to sleep that night with a big, sloppy grin on my face but day 4 again had some bad moments.
Still, I was changed and I have to say the shock of the affair and the freedom it presented gave the shove I needed to become the open/honest/active person I always should have been.
Sorry this message is so long, I just wanted to let everyone know that things are going very well (considering the a-bomb that went off in my heart last Thursday). I also wanted to encourage all the betrayed to take the crisis of the affair and make it into an opportunity for change and growth (for all parties concerned) ... whether R or D is the pathway.
As for "deciding" on R vs. D ... I think I got that wrong because I was committed to R but felt like (because of the forum) I did not want to decide too soon. My wife was confused. We are both working toward R and (unless there are clear signs to the contrary) I encourage those others who have anything worth saving in the marriage (e.g., kids, shred of love/respect) to choose R and work for it rather than preparing for D.
We are still having some issues because I have a lot of the "power/control" in our new marriage and that can't last forever. My wife is going to have to leave town to work and that will be hard. She is going to start her own IC for the abuse and affair which will be very very hard for her. She has a tracker on her phone which still seems wrong to me but also right ... can't think about her leaving the house but will have to.
We have a long road ahead of us but I THANK all of you for the support and advice you have given me. Many of you told me the marriage can indeed be better/stronger because of the affair and it looks like ours is on the road to doing exactly that. Your support and encouragement so far has helped me immensely.
Since d-day I have not yet kissed my wife or told her I love her. I have touched her though and even hug her now when she breaks down in remorse over the affair or pain on recollecting her abuse.
We will be going through the 2 years of her affair in detail. I know many don't recommend it but she already told me 80% of it and I read another 15%. I don't want to leave ANYTHING to imagination. In this case, the reality is painful, but less so than leaving it unknown for me to wonder.
We have also basically agreed to contact the OM's wife but we have to figure out how.
We still have to set up the marriage counselling itself although we are both in IC.
My own ego/pride has been horribly wounded and my trust for my wife is slowly rebuilding so we have a long way to go but already it feels much better.
I may write future messages in the reconciliation forum but thanks again to all those who supported and wrote me, as you are helping me immensely to navigate this horrific experience.
Sending my love to all of you.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012 | Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200 | | Posted: 3:56 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
salemp~
Your August 6th post is awesome.
Thanks for the breathless description of revelations and interactions between your your WS.
It sounds like she gets it! Reconnect slowly. Take your time. Please protect your heart.
WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown
Posts: 660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land | happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212 | | Posted: 6:47 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
SalemP
Do not leave any stone unturned in your wifes 2 year A.
You both need to face it since you have chosen that road.
And I think it is great that you have decided so quickly but my man she was in the OM's bed just a few days ago so please take your time during this R aka healing process.
And you did say her A was emotional as well so watch her closely. Many false R's take place so stay on top of the situation.
Also, go see an A just so you know your rights. Since your wife is being pro-active take her with you. It will really open her eyes when she hears you ask the A "What happens if we D?"
And no matter what let the OMW know what happened and that the sex was unprotected.
It sucks your wife chose to cheat, it sucks that she put her profile on AM for the world to see but it really sucks that she cheated with a man whose family is tied to your children where they goto school.
That was truly selfish and stupid. I hope you realize that not only hurts you but your enitre family.
When you get a chance read "No mR Nice Guy"
You will find it enlightening.
Good Luck on getting your marriage back.
HM64
Posts: 466 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York | salemp
♂ New Member
Member # 36352 | | Posted: 10:39 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Thanks GettingtoHappy and HappyMan for your perspectives as I really treasure them and look for them eagerly.
Please stay with me and keep telling me if I am doing something nutbar as I need to know.
I am trying to balance the perspectives each of you provide with my own situation and feelings. It is a difficult balancing act in some ways.
The fact that we are moving so quickly along R does give me pause. We both said this on day 3, and now days 5 and 6 are almost TOO good. Why don't I feel worse? I haven't cried
However as life starts to happen again (jobs, etc.) and our time/ability to R is more compromised I want to make the most of what is happening now.
I think a large part of our rapid progress was the fact that we have had so much time together without the kids over the past 6 days.
In addition, my younger son is now at a friend's cottage all week so I can travel with my wife as she works to R.
Pre d-day, I had the kids and the OM's wife had their kids so my wife could easily make time for the A. Now (for whatever reason) we seem to be able to easily make time for the two of us.
My wife said this morning she feels like a higher power is conspiring to make this work.
Reconnect slowly. Take your time. Please protect your heart.
I am on day 6 so there isn't much heart left to lose but with each passing day as our new M grows there is correspondingly more risk.
We have both today talked about the need to do other things (yoga, work, visit a friend who wants to give us some furniture). It was actually my wife who wanted to slow things down a bit and I agree you are right.
Thanks for that.
Do not leave any stone unturned in your wifes 2 year A.
We have both decided (together) that we will go through *all* the emails in the secret accounts she had for the entire two years. I already know 90% of it but the point is to do exactly what you suggest and leave nothing to imagination (important for me as I have a wicked imagination).
I suspect some things will sting but not kill me. Repeated exposure is classic therapy. Plus it will give us all the more opportunity to discuss, cry, say sorry, heal, etc.
my man she was in the OM's bed just a few days ago so please take your time during this R aka healing process.
That thought is etched in my brain but thanks for the reminder. Truly, I need you guys to help me out here.
And ... we will slow things down. It is inevitable as life crashes back in. Both our IC may take years. This is far from over but the start is promising.
And you did say her A was emotional as well so watch her closely. Many false R's take place so stay on top of the situation.
You are right it was emotional.
In fact, I call it a love affair but she does not want to use that word as she only ever loved me. We will need to redefine what love is together.
For her this affair was about having conversations with a man who valued her opinion, listened and could connect with her. My counsellor said that (generally) men give talk/emotion for sex and women the opposite. That seems to be what happened here as I *was* emotionally withdrawn from the marriage. Still, when you add up two years of sex, energy, time, and heartfelt dialogue (all of which were virtually absent for me) it spells love to me.
One positive, in all the hundreds of emails / chats there are virtually no references to our marriage or me and lots to his. He opened up to her about his life but she refused to share ours. He never even knew her last name (but I suspect he figured it out somehow anyway). She made up fantasy stories to keep the affair going. She even said she was terminally ill near the end. She was acting desperately to keep that connection and fill the void inside her with this man. That is a twisted relationship and she is relieved to be out of it all and working on healthy relationships. Still, she held our own marriage and relationship separate from the affair and didn't drag me into it. That is one positive thing I am taking from the many hurtful actions.
Time will tell whether this R is false or true but my head, heart and gut is telling me that it is true.
One more thing I haven't told yet but need to be completely open/honest here. There is a woman at work I spend a lot of time with who my wife has been increasingly jealous/suspicious of over the past two years. Her suspicions (that this woman was attracted to me and vice versa) followed the arc of her own affair but all the time she asked me about the woman I denied being attracted to her when in truth I really did have some attraction to this woman. Although we never had a physical or emotional affair (I just worked with her) it was hard for me to have these feelings and tell my wife a lie that I didn't feel attracted. When I told my wife (day 3) I actually did have some feelings to this woman it was a big relief for my wife as she knew I was finally telling the truth and opening up to her. I read a lot about these feelings and learned that they best way to deal with them is to not take any action (i.e., start down the road to an affair), just wait and (with time) as you notice that the other person is a real/flawed human like everyone else you will be better able to view them in perspective with your marriage and that comparing the two is wrong. It actually is a huge relief to me that I can now talk to my wife about this co-worker of mine and about any feelings/thoughts/ideas/attractions we might have for any other person along the way in our new marriage.
Also, go see an A just so you know your rights. Since your wife is being pro-active take her with you. It will really open her eyes when she hears you ask the A "What happens if we D?"
Our eyes are already open to it as we discussed the financial, custodial and other ramifications of D, albeit briefly. She is absolutely terrified of it. I am less terrified but also realistic in knowing it would be more horrible than what is happening now. Although I (as the BH) would not have to carry the stigma she would through a divorce but that doesn't matter to me. D is a place I don't want to go. I don't see the benefit of spending time doing that when there are more positive things to do in terms of R.
And no matter what let the OMW know what happened and that the sex was unprotected.
We have spoken at length about it and are very close to doing that.
It is complicated by my son attending her school, etc. and we still have not yet decided finally but our last talk ended that maybe by making a phone call to the OM's wife I can let her know about the A, the unprotected sex, give her the right to make a decision, give her the same chance I had and also give them a chance to fix their relationship and (yes this is part of it for me), take one more adulterer out of the equation who potentially could harm more lives and families. There is a potential risk for my sons and myself and our marriage in taking this step. It isn't as simple because there is not 100% anonymity but we will work it out together.
I hate to admit this but out of the half-million or so seconds since d-day, I have had about 3 seconds where I felt some empathy for my wife's former lover. I have felt a lot of anger, pity and disgust for the other 99.9% of the time!!!
It sucks your wife chose to cheat, it sucks that she put her profile on AM for the world to see but it really sucks that she cheated with a man whose family is tied to your children where they goto school. That was truly selfish and stupid. I hope you realize that not only hurts you but your enitre family.
I do feel that pain. I felt it a more on days 1, 2 and 4 than 3, 5 and 6. Yet as much as I feel that hurt I can't let pain alone define my decision-making and (indeed) the rest of my life. Bottom line it would hurt me and my family more to go for D than R at this point so we're focussed on R.
I *will* have to live with pain, maybe forever. And yes, my wife really was selfish and stupid and she has a F*** OF A LOT OF WORK TO DO!!! to help make this good again (I will show her this post by the way). I told her it feels like she has made a $730,000 withdrawal from our emotional bank account and every time she says "sorry" that's a penny. Every time she tells me she loves me that's a nickel. Every time she repents by giving those repeated words of regret and self-admonishment that's a dime. Actions are worth more for me (my love language of apology is "making retribution") and she is taking big actions too. We are taking days away together, she is registering on this forum and doing counselling for herself and our marriage. Those deposits are much bigger and every one chips away at that huge amount.
Thanks again everyone for your support, I am grateful and your thoughts/words are so important to me.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012 | circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733 | | Posted: 10:59 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
It all sounds positive, but I would caution that you are on day 5 of very long journey with many ups and downs.
One question, does your WW have still have access to the secret email accounts? if so, is there a chance that she would delete anything in there that she did not want you to see before you go through it together? Change the password on those accounts.
BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger
Posts: 298 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast | Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349 | | Posted: 11:24 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
The fact that we are moving so quickly along R does give me pause. We both said this on day 3, and now days 5 and 6 are almost TOO good. Why don't I feel worse?
Something that makes the experience a little easier is not questioning yourself when you feel/don't feel.
It's a crazy crazy rollercoaster, and sometimes after a lull the bad feelings may decide to gang up. It doesn't mean that this is the way it's always going to be. It just takes a while to see the upswings and downturns for what they are.
If you have happy moments or peace, enjoy it. If you are triggered into feeling more pain than you know what to do with, do not be hard on yourself for now "having it all together." It will all calm down in time.
You're doing great.
BS - 34
FWH - 32 (Crazz)
Limbociliation - today, 82% R.
Sarcasm is the body's natural response to stupidity. - Some Shirt I Saw Today
Posts: 9373 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California | salemp
♂ New Member
Member # 36352 | | Posted: 8:06 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Day 7 - Last night I triggered (if triggering means to break down inconsolably pretty much like day 1)
What caused it was going through the emails/chats from ONE of her shorter-lived EAs (she had several EAs). We have not even gotten to the main A (although she has told me a great deal about it verbally).
My wife was incredible, she said and did all the right things, and not even because I asked her she just did it from her heart.
I am definitely slowing down on reviewing the A emails (which I have not all read yet). Too harmful and too soon. I am questioning whether I ever will go through them at all but I think I need to do it so I can not leave anything to imagination and put this behind me/us. Plus, it really helps me understand the A, our marriage and my wife. Painful therapy though. You have all helped with advice on that.
How many of you have reviewed the correspondence of the A and how many of you have actually said "I don't want to know details"?
does your WW have still have access to the secret email accounts?
No, I changed them on day 1.
We are going to dinner tonight with a work colleague of hers (older man who is completely unrelated to A). We need the break ... too much focus on A & R of late.
This forum (and all of you) are incredible.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012 | SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 | | Posted: 11:16 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I have reviewed what I was able to find. It was devastating (to put it mildly) but totally worthwhile, since I could see for myself where he was (mentally and emotionally)- as opposed to simply taking his word for it. I'm a word oriented person, reading Nathan's (SAWH) words has been critical to my understanding of what has happened.
~ Sabina
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC | | Topic Posts: 23 | |
|
|
|
|
