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User
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Topic: I'm stuck because I don't have the courage to change
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Lost333
♀ Member
Member # 35182 |  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 |     |
I think I went around the codependency drama triangle again tonight. Let me explain:
My BH is supposed to be weaning off of his anxiety meds. He asked me to help him and hold the bottle of pills because he doesn't trust himself. I agreed and for the past week I thought he has been doing great. Only taking two pills a day at the most just to deal with the worst withdrawal symptoms. Then today I pull up his bank account to see how much of our money is left for bills this week and I see that he went to the pharmacy where he gets his prescriptions filled.
At first he told me he got deodorant. Then he tells me he only went to refill his antidepressant. Then after continual pushing (me crying and yelling) he tells me that he refilled a different anxiety med. So two days ago he started taking extra meds again and lied to me about it. He is not weaning off. He is still in his addiction. He told me again that this is because of my affair and stormed off.
We talked later and I reminded him about his promise to go to rehab. He said we would talk about it. I told him that if he doesn't get any help than at some point I can't stay in the relationship. He said then maybe I should go now 
So I played the rescuer because this week I was helping him with his meds and talking to him about addiction and recovery.....
I played the persecuter when I yelled and became angry with him today...
And I'm playing the victim now (just being honest).
As I started to think about this cycle the usual victim thoughts were coming to my mind: woe is me, why am I going through this again?
Well, I am going through this again because I am not making any changes. I am scared to change. I am scared to detach from him. I am scared to set boundaries and actually ENFORCE them. I am scared to let go and let him live his life.
I'm scared to detach because I'm afraid that he will say fuck it and spiral down further.
I am scared to detach because I detached prior to and during my A in an unhealthy way and I don't know how to detach without building walls.
I am scared to detach because I feel like I would lose my mind without him, because he is my best friend.
I am scared to detach because I feel weak and ready to fall apart.
I am scared to detach because I fear he will not love me anymore.
So I guess I'm going to be stuck until I have the courage to make some changes within me. Any advice on finding courage?
Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin
Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest |
BaxtersBFF
♂ Guide
Member # 26859 | | Posted: 10:22 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
No advice, just hugs (((Lost333))).
WH - 43
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 5472 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise |
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619 | | Posted: 10:23 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Take the leap and the courage will find you.
I've seen how far you've come so I know you can get there.
We, all of us on SI, are here for you.
xBH
D final 8/2012
Posts: 2156 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast |
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476 | | Posted: 10:23 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
He said then maybe I should go now
He's just talking, Lost. You know this.
Courage is action in the face of fear.
You can do this. You can take tiny steps toward this, but start moving.
Anything has to be better than this, you know this. Insights are great, but they're just great insights without action.
You can do it.
(((((((Lost))))))))
BS/WW: Me 42 WH/BH: Him 44 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See profile
2DS:4 & 9 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.
Posts: 663 | Registered: Apr 2012 |
Aubrie84
♀ Member
Member # 33886 | | Posted: 10:33 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
(((((Lost)))))
Read my sig line. "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway."
It's hard, so hard. But you just gotta grit your teeth and jump. You might think there's nothing but air beneath you, and sometimes there is for a bit, but you will find solid ground. [This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:34 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]
FWW-28
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway."
"Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself."
Posts: 3858 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Nashville |
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941 | | Posted: 10:39 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Dear Lost
I can't say it better than BB
Anything has to be better than this, you know this. Insights are great, but they're just great insights without action.
You have achieved SO much over these months. I was just reading a post by you on another thread - where you acknowledged that you have been 'allowing' yourselvf to be punished.
I remember thinking early on that this might be a truth and over the weeks concerned that it was the case.
And then over these weeks inspired by your clarity of mind to see through the cycle.
YOU do not deserve punishment. You DO deserve to live with truth, integrity and the freedom to reach for happiness.
And all the steps you have been taking over these weeks are a part of that (even some of the ones that feel like they go backwards).
You are facing the mirror of integrity. keep taking the steps.
For now - you can not 'help' DTOM. You and your heart knows that your help is his crutch that he can use to lean on and to hurt you.
Agree with BB ... in the words of M.Scott Peck ... "Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the making of action in spite of fear"
BS / fWS- me 41
WS / BS - him 39 (BlindFreddy
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 weeks)
His D Day Dec 2003 (details July 2012)
Married
3 children (6 - 16)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy"
Posts: 511 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia |
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823 | | Posted: 10:40 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I'm stuck because I don't have the courage to change
That sounds kind of passive, Lost. As if you have no choice in the matter. But it IS your choice, you're just not exercising it.
The cycle stops when you say it stops......until then, it will continue.
Or....one day you will *wake* up and say "NO MORE. ENOUGH of this shit." It will dawn on you that until DTOM hits rehab for his pill-popping problem that you're going to be stuck forever in the lather.rinse.repeat cycle.
Isn't this the second time that you've *managed* his meds for him and he's gone around you for his fix?
You've just gotta take the leap, Lost. Read Aubrie's tagline....it really does say it all.
{{{hugs}}} [This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:42 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]
A Sultan-->feels entitled to have a harem. So does my stbx.
Life is too precious. Don't waste your time by staying with a person that treats you poorly.
Posts: 5237 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest |
Lost333
♀ Member
Member # 35182 | | Posted: 10:54 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
You're right. The title is passive. I'm stuck because I am unwilling to make changes. I am capable. But right now I am unwilling because I am allowing my fear to control me.
Thank you all for your encouragement. I am going to think about the changes I want to make.
And I'm giving him his meds back. Even though he asked for the help it is not a good idea. [This message edited by Lost333 at 10:54 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]
Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin
Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest |
DixieDevastated
♀ Member
Member # 33457 | | Posted: 10:59 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I was reading a really good drama triangle article today posted on this site by juki via Trustsetmefree -- incase anyone wants to see it and missed it, here is the link.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/
It's becoming easier to recognize how we've moved around in this triangle for years. I saw my parents today and I was in my patented Rescuer role almost immediately and it spiraled down from there. It's so frustrating and easy to regress even when you want to change.
You are aware enough to identify your fears. Are you also afraid of being the seen as the bad guy if you detach?
Can you challenge the thinking behind these fears?
Growing forward
Posts: 947 | Registered: Sep 2011 |
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849 | | Posted: 11:00 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Don't just think about the changes you want to make - think about the ones you need to make.
FWW - 39
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...
Posts: 4706 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal..... |
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476 | | Posted: 11:01 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
And I'm giving him his meds back.
Good first step.
Being in the rescuer/caretaker role is exhausting & eventually feels like you're taking care of a child. It's not fun & it's not an adult relationship. It eventually sucks all the romantic love out.
You're ascending & growing up.
BS/WW: Me 42 WH/BH: Him 44 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See profile
2DS:4 & 9 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.
Posts: 663 | Registered: Apr 2012 |
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449 | | Posted: 11:05 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Lost, I *saw* this somewhere and thought maybe you could use it. It was a quote something like this: "Courage is being terrified of doing something and doing it anyway."
 [This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:05 AM, August 17th (Friday)]
Posts: 9813 | Registered: Mar 2008 |
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849 | | Posted: 11:13 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I was scared to death to leave my abusive XH but I did it...11/10/97 was the beginning of a new life for DS #1 & I. You can do it Lost.
FWW - 39
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...
Posts: 4706 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal..... |
Lost333
♀ Member
Member # 35182 | | Posted: 11:29 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Are you also afraid of being the seen as the bad guy if you detach?
Yes. For many reasons. Because I have an issue with wanting to be the good girl. Because I am afraid that he will say, "see, you never really wanted to fight for me, you are not in this marriage, you gave up again, you abandoned me again, you hurt me again".
I am afraid of all those things.
I just gave him his meds back. He is intoxicated and angry that I am on SI-even though he just got home and was out with his friend prior. He says I am not working on this M enough because I am on SI. I know that is not true. Most of the time I am caring for his needs and trying to spend time with him. Whatever.
Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin
Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest |
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849 | | Posted: 11:32 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012 | |
Exactly - whatever. Now focus on you..
FWW - 39
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...
Posts: 4706 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal..... |
CryingGreenEyes
♀ Member
Member # 24753 | | Posted: 12:05 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
BW here... just like us BS's you can't expect too much from yourself. None of us can just wave a magic wand and make this all better and no one's reaction is predictable. All you can do is your best. It sounds like you're trying and you deserve credit for that... and your frustration is justified as well. I didn't realize how much courage I had but it was there when I needed it. You're showing courage by not abandoning your BH, the easy thing to do would be walk away and leave him to deal with this... but you're not. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I can send you hugs and support.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."
Posts: 1506 | Registered: Jul 2009 |
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823 | | Posted: 1:04 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Don't argue with a drunk person. Calmly remove yourself from the discussion until he's sober.
He is an adult and is perfectly capable of being responsible for his own medication. He can use it appropriately.......or not. Either way, Lost, it is HIS responsibility.
LOL at the 'whatever' at the end. Keep that attitude. He needs to stop acting like a child and be a grown man who takes ownership of his own feelings and issues. He's seriously walking the 'blameshifting' line, IMO.
A Sultan-->feels entitled to have a harem. So does my stbx.
Life is too precious. Don't waste your time by staying with a person that treats you poorly.
Posts: 5237 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest |
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024 | | Posted: 6:09 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
(((Lost)))
Keep focusing on the changes you need to make. You'll get there when you're ready.
Dealing with an addict/alcoholic and trying to R is impossible, IMO. Do what you have to do, for YOU.
Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a great deal to love a leaf. Its ordinary to love the beautiful, but its really beautiful to love the ordinary.
Posts: 25212 | Registered: Sep 2007 |
kimber67
♀ New Member
Member # 36514 | | Posted: 8:22 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
(((( LOST))))))
I know just what you are going through. I have a similar situation. I feel you pain and frustration.
If you "get it" let me know your solution as I need it also.....I know I am new here but accept my support too.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2012 |
Lost333
♀ Member
Member # 35182 | | Posted: 8:29 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Good morning.
Morning has always been my favorite time. The feel of the sun on my face, the smell of dark roast coffee, the perfect stillness for a moment when the world is quiet and I can sit with my thoughts.
I chose not to go to work today. This is something that I struggled with as I have taken alot of time off lately and feel guilty. However, I know today I would not be much help to my clients as I have only gotten 3 hours of sleep, am nauseous, and have a pounding migraine. I applied for FMLA so hopefully my therapist can complete the paperwork tomorrow and it will be approved so that I will not be terminated or disciplined for my intermittent time off. I know my body is saying that I need time to sleep, time to relax.
DTOM apologized this morning for his behavior yesterday. He told me that after I gave him his pills back he did not take any. He has reported to me his friend has the other bottle of anxiety meds and is keeping it for him. Apparently, he had a weak moment where he filled the prescription and took a few but then gave it to a friend. His friend confirmed this yesterday. I would argue that his friend doesn't need to keep them because if he really is serious he can just throw them out. I could demand that he go to rehab today.
But.....I am done arguing. I am done questioning, playing detective, pleading, begging, crying, demanding, and expecting that he change and get help. I KNOW when he is abusing his meds and not working on himself. I don't need to search his things or count his pills to know this.
So where does this leave us? I'm not so sure. We are not at a point where we can sit down and negotiate boundaries and make promises. He will only make me a promise to appease me and that is not what I want. He knows what I recommend he do. If he doesn't work on getting sober then at some point I will leave. What is that point? I don't know yet. I have to think about that. But no more nagging, helping, or demanding. I know I said this last week but I still was trying to "help" and by help I mean control.
So my first action step is "hands off". Hands off his recovery and healing. Last night he was pounding things and stomping around. I came down once to ask him if he wanted to talk and he replied, no. I came down once more to ask him to please be quiet so I could sleep. Normally, I would have tried 7-10 times to reach out to him and reassure him. This time I didn't. He can ask me directly for what he needs from now on. He is an adult.
I think the thing I struggle with the most is feeling like I am giving up on him. When I first came to SI I got all of these instructions on what to do for your BS. Because of my own issues I interpreted those instructions and the words of others to mean that I needed to shut up and take whatever DTOM did because he was in extreme pain. Some people did directly say this to me. But I disagree with my interpretation and with others that have conveyed this message. I am a human being too. I f'd up. I blindsided and hurt DTOM in a way that was cruel and careless. I neglected and abandoned him. I did not give him the love that he deserves. But since I joined SI and got my head out of my ass I HAVE done everything that DTOM has asked of me. Granted, there are/were times where I was/am defensive but I have tried my best to be the wife that he deserves. And most of all, I have tried to be someone that I am proud of. And I think I am succeeding at that. I am a work in progress but I am more complete and authentic than I was 6 months ago.
One of my next action steps is to stop taking responsibility for DTOM's behavior. There are many BS's on this site that are choosing to deal with their pain in healthy ways. Extreme pain is not a green light to hurt others and behave irresponsibly. I guess I am saying this more for myself than for all of you. Because even though many of you have said that it is not my fault and I am not responsible for his choices-deep down I still FEEL responsible. I am going to have to dig deep because that is an ingrained feeling from way back in my childhood. As a child I did not learn this because I always felt responsible for my father's anger. He told me I was a bad girl and that is why he hit me. I learned from an early age that I was the problem. I am going to keep telling myself that I am not responsible for others. I need to differentiate between my hurtful choice to have an A and DTOM's choices.
Just for today I am going to focus on those two action steps. If I can achieve those-then I will tackle the next issues. But I think part of the reason I am having so much trouble is that I am trying to tackle the whole problem at once.
I thank all of you for being patient with me and supporting me even when I backslide and fall back into old behaviors. I thank all of you for your encouragement. I thank you for giving me the truth. I thank you for being gentle yet firm. I thank you for being a sounding board, for being non-judgmental, for being wise. I thank you for believing in me even when I don't believe myself that I can be strong.
I feel safe here to grow into the woman I know I can become.
Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin
Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest |
| Topic Posts: 37 | |
