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User
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Topic: Violence towards OW?
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tinysteps
♀ Member
Member # 36104 |  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 |     |
This might be a better post on the wayward side forum but here goes...
I hired a PI/summons server to deliver the letter that would tell the OWs Husband about the affair. The PI contacted me and said he was hesitant to do it as he was concerned that the OWH might take violent action towards her. I am not concerned about that.
How common is it here to hear that a man hits his wife after he finds out she has been unfaithful?
Thanks all!
BS-Me (48)
WH-Him (54)
M-12yrs Together 15 years
D'Day April 20, 2012
On the R Rollercoaster
How will see the great things ahead of us if we keep looking back at the bad things behind us?
Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: My heart is at the beach |
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769 | | Posted: 11:10 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
I haven't read about it here. BUt you do read or hear about violence stemming from the discovery of affairs all the time on the news.
Married 1998
2 kids under 12,
forced confession by WH 3/27/09
he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10.
I am leaning twds R 9/12/10
He moved back in 9/25/10, We are in R.
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Posts: 3048 | Registered: Apr 2009 |
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070 | | Posted: 11:14 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
The thought of her man being violent never crossed my mind. I called and he was a very nice person. I even stated to my FWH that he is even a better person than I am. OW has had multiple affairs spanning half their marriage. Yet he is still trying to work on the marriage. I have told my FWH that I will be gone if it ever happens again.
Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation
Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571 | | Posted: 11:20 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Speaking as a BH my only inclination to violence was towards the OM. And a chair. The chair won though. I broke my hand on it. The chair and I get along fine these days.
Did the PI give any reason why he was concerned about this?
“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”
Posts: 5928 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA |
Hurtslikeheck
♀ Member
Member # 5637 | | Posted: 11:20 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
I knew of a friend that not only physically assaulted her when he found out about her affair, he mentally and emotionally tortured for the next six months. He was a police officer and she got absolutely zero help from law enforcement. She was wrong, but his actions made her the victim at the end of all of it.
Me: 48 BS
Him: 51 WXH
Divorce Final: 5/14/12
Love isn't suppose to hurt..
"How you gonna win when you ain't right within" - Lauren Hill
Posts: 210 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: St. Louis |
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210 | | Posted: 11:45 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 |  |
This can all be crazy making, but then again, so can marriage at times. I believe that most men either have the self control not to resort to violence, or they have already been violent in the past.
I am not a big fan of the idea of not allowing anyone to have something (even if it is just information) just because someone somewhere might do a bad thing at some point. The OW would already know if her husband was violent or not when she chose to have an affair. Her husband finding out is a predictable consequence of her having an affair, and she must face this consequence because he deserves to know.
The number of times I have heard stories here expressing concern that the BH was violent and abusive, and it was confirmed because the WH said that the OW told him so, only to find out that he was the nicest guy on earth, devestated by the news, but still quite friendly and offering to help the BW in any way he could... lets jsut say the story gets old.
A PI by nature of their work, much like cops, spends a lot of their time dealing with unsavory people, and this colors their perception of things. He may be concerned, but unless he has some specific information about the BH in question to back up his concern, I would not worry about it.
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Posts: 14306 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg |
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 11:52 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
The PI contacted me and said he was hesitant to do it as he was concerned that the OWH might take violent action towards her. WTF???? Why is it any of the PI's concern what the content of this letter is? I think that's bizarre. He must be a WS himself.
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 6021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South |
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410 | | Posted: 11:55 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
It seems to be very common that a WS will use the "the BH is violent" excuse for why he shouldn't be informed of his WW's A. It's also common that the WW will play the "I have a violent BH and that's why I'm cheating" card.
Very, very rarely are either of these true. There are, of course, exceptions but I don't think it is fair to assume that just because the BS is male, violence is going to be the go-to reaction. If the PI has some valid reason for expecting this (like a history of domestic violence arrests) that's a different ball game. But if it is just because the BS is male, I wouldn't give a lot of weight to that assertion.
Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC |
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811 | | Posted: 11:56 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
tinysteps
OWH might take violent action towards her. I am not concerned about that.
What *I* am concerned about is that you don't seem to be concerend of another woman being physically beaten and hurt. Why is that?!
Exit Wounds
"...some day you will meet a man that wants to be with you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy, there will be no guessing, no games, no bullshit." -Betrayal
Posts: 2148 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: SI Headquarters ; ) |
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210 | | Posted: 12:02 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
EW, I think that is a case of vague phrasing and how this is interpreted. It could be interpreted the way you did, or the way I did, that tinysteps does not think this is likely enough to be concerned. If there was no concern at all if it did happen, I don't know what the point of this thread would be.
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Posts: 14306 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg |
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811 | | Posted: 12:08 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
aesir, good point. So avoiding that specific point in the story, I would say it is not "common" to hear that a man hits his wife after he finds out she has been unfaithful, but it is possilbe.
Exit Wounds
"...some day you will meet a man that wants to be with you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy, there will be no guessing, no games, no bullshit." -Betrayal
Posts: 2148 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: SI Headquarters ; ) |
zaci
♀ Member
Member # 36138 | | Posted: 12:08 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Okay, if the PI is that worried about it why not serve BH and then tell OW that he's been served so if hes been violent she can stay away from him and if the PI still wont do that tell him to grow some balls. Personally if I had a violent spouse I would not be out fucking around .....but then I wouldn't do it to a non-violent man either. Really, if he's that bad why would OW put her life at risk?
ME : BS 35
HIM : WH 49
MARRIED 7YRS TOGETHER 12 YRS
3 KIDS AGED 6,3&9 mo.
DDAY: JUNE 2012 (he confessed to 1xPA with some hoebag extraordinaire who lived next to the house he was roofing LAST SUMMER when i was 7 mo preggs).
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769 | | Posted: 12:09 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Accusations of Sexual Infidelity
What the researchers found was that violence most often followed an accusation of sexual infidelity made by one or both of the intimate partners. Drug and alcohol use was often involved in these incidents, but not always.
Previous research has shown that sexual jealousy played a role in domestic abuse, but the Ohio State scientists were surprised to find that this particular type of jealousy - infidelity accusations - was the trigger that most often initiated the violence.
Other Relationship Stressors
"I have worked in domestic violence intervention for many years, but still the findings shocked me," lead author Nemeth wrote. "We never knew that it was the accusation of infidelity that tended to trigger the violence."
taken from: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/abuse/a/What-Triggers-A-Domestic-Violence-Attack.htm
This topic has always been a hotspot for me. ABuse, violence does happen. My stomach always turns when I read so often, "not to worry about it because it rarely happens".
It happens. Not saying this should prevent you from informing the other BS but please don't think abuse can't happen when a spouse is informed about an affair.
Married 1998
2 kids under 12,
forced confession by WH 3/27/09
he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10.
I am leaning twds R 9/12/10
He moved back in 9/25/10, We are in R.
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Posts: 3048 | Registered: Apr 2009 |
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410 | | Posted: 12:31 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
It does happen BUT it usually happens where the violent spouse has a HISTORY of violence and a history of jealousy.
It is rare that a balanced, normal husband would launch into a violent attack on his wife because she cheated. Just look at the BH's on this site. I've seen one and only one out of the many here who had a violent reaction.
Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC |
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769 | | Posted: 12:34 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
I have never been violent either but the night it all came crashing down I was damn close.
Married 1998
2 kids under 12,
forced confession by WH 3/27/09
he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10.
I am leaning twds R 9/12/10
He moved back in 9/25/10, We are in R.
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Posts: 3048 | Registered: Apr 2009 |
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 12:38 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Well, I'm sure the revelation of infidelity could cause violence in some situations, but that IS. NOT. OUR. PROBLEM.
So, are we to just live in la-la land, and never utter a word that might cause repercussions for someone somewhere down the line? None of us are mind readers. None of us have any idea what may happen in someone else's relationship because of something we may say or do.
What if I have a fender bender with some woman, and she goes home with a busted up car, and her husband beats her up? Is that my problem? I would absolutely HATE that that had happened to the poor woman, but it is NOT my problem.
So, let's say the OW in question has an STD that requires notification of partners, and her H finds out she's been cheating, and beats her up? So we hold the government agency responsible?
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 6021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South |
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769 | | Posted: 12:44 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
PPGA,
There are no easy answers here or clear cut right and wrong answers.
Nothing about infidelity is fair.
Married 1998
2 kids under 12,
forced confession by WH 3/27/09
he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10.
I am leaning twds R 9/12/10
He moved back in 9/25/10, We are in R.
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Posts: 3048 | Registered: Apr 2009 |
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210 | | Posted: 12:55 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
The question of what is the most common trigger for domestic violence is quite a bit different from a question of how likely is this to trigger domestic violence. The reason we are saying something quite different from a study on domestic violence is sample bias. They are studying people who have been involved in domestic violence, so 100% of their sample was violent, regardless of how common the violence is.
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Posts: 14306 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg |
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 1:12 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
Good point aesir.
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 6021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South |
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864 | | Posted: 1:21 PM, August 17th (Friday), 2012 | |
It seems to be very common that a WS will use the "the BH is violent" excuse for why he shouldn't be informed of his WW's A. It's also common that the WW will play the "I have a violent BH and that's why I'm cheating" card.
That's sadly a fairly common theme around here, generally, it isn't true. That certainly doesn't mean it can't or won't happen, but look at it this way; generally abused women don't have the time or courage to cheat as the H is pretty aware of the whereabouts of the spouse.
♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥
Posts: 36013 | Registered: Apr 2005 |
| Topic Posts: 34 | |
